Newbie..BF is an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2
Newbie..BF is an alcoholic
Hello...
Was online looking for some kind of support or counseling for myself and found this website...thank God.
My story: I'm 38 year old female. I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 2.5 yrs. (living together for 1.5) I myself am a foodaholic and have been struggling with my own addiction my entire life.
As for my BF..he was sober for years but he lost his job and his ex-wife moved his 3 children that he adores 3 hours away from him. He has been spiraling downward ever since. He is not a mean or abusive drinker. He just passes out and sits around in a state of depression.
I come from a very close knit family and while they think he is a great guy, they want him to step up, get himself a job and start helping me support the household. It finally got to the point where he was 'uninvited' from Easter Sunday dinner with my family (their act of tough love cuz i am too sympathetic to do that). That seemed to be when he hit rock bottom. Three days later was his bday. I tried to make it nice for him, took him out for a birthday dinner, but he was sweating and shaking the whole time. I knew he was trying to DT on his own but he kept denying it.
At 2 am the next morning i was woken up to him having a full blown seizure. It was terrifying.. I thought he was going to die. He was taken to the local medical center where they put him on a detox floor where I couldn't see him. They offered him a 28 day inpatient rehab right in the hospital and he accepted it. I couldn't believe he did it. I thought he was going to walk out and just keep drinking. Then after 2 weeks in, they offered him an extended 3 month inpatient which he is strongly considering if insurance pays for it. If he doesn't do that, he will be in intensive outpatient as well as 90 AA meeting in 90 days.
Since I have been away from him for a few weeks, my mind has been on a roller coaster ride. I love him and care about him soo much!!! But I am not sure if I should 1.) make a clean break ('run for the hills', as some of you say) 2.) move out on my own and still be in a relationship with him; or 3.) still live with him and see if this rehabilitation does help him get his life back together.
I myself have met with his counselor. She tells me that he is actively participating in every aspect of this rehab, attends every counseling session available to him and is really working on himself. This makes me feel hopeful. To leave him would completely break my heart. He really is the kindest man I've ever met and I know he cares for me very much.
Any advice would be appreciated. I am having such a hard time with this because I know I have a choice. He is not my father or a brother or child. But leaving seems like the wrong thing to do right now.
Was online looking for some kind of support or counseling for myself and found this website...thank God.
My story: I'm 38 year old female. I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 2.5 yrs. (living together for 1.5) I myself am a foodaholic and have been struggling with my own addiction my entire life.
As for my BF..he was sober for years but he lost his job and his ex-wife moved his 3 children that he adores 3 hours away from him. He has been spiraling downward ever since. He is not a mean or abusive drinker. He just passes out and sits around in a state of depression.
I come from a very close knit family and while they think he is a great guy, they want him to step up, get himself a job and start helping me support the household. It finally got to the point where he was 'uninvited' from Easter Sunday dinner with my family (their act of tough love cuz i am too sympathetic to do that). That seemed to be when he hit rock bottom. Three days later was his bday. I tried to make it nice for him, took him out for a birthday dinner, but he was sweating and shaking the whole time. I knew he was trying to DT on his own but he kept denying it.
At 2 am the next morning i was woken up to him having a full blown seizure. It was terrifying.. I thought he was going to die. He was taken to the local medical center where they put him on a detox floor where I couldn't see him. They offered him a 28 day inpatient rehab right in the hospital and he accepted it. I couldn't believe he did it. I thought he was going to walk out and just keep drinking. Then after 2 weeks in, they offered him an extended 3 month inpatient which he is strongly considering if insurance pays for it. If he doesn't do that, he will be in intensive outpatient as well as 90 AA meeting in 90 days.
Since I have been away from him for a few weeks, my mind has been on a roller coaster ride. I love him and care about him soo much!!! But I am not sure if I should 1.) make a clean break ('run for the hills', as some of you say) 2.) move out on my own and still be in a relationship with him; or 3.) still live with him and see if this rehabilitation does help him get his life back together.
I myself have met with his counselor. She tells me that he is actively participating in every aspect of this rehab, attends every counseling session available to him and is really working on himself. This makes me feel hopeful. To leave him would completely break my heart. He really is the kindest man I've ever met and I know he cares for me very much.
Any advice would be appreciated. I am having such a hard time with this because I know I have a choice. He is not my father or a brother or child. But leaving seems like the wrong thing to do right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
My advice is: don't think about what's the right thing to do for him, think about what's the right thing to do for yourself.
I have a "run for the hills" mentality, but I have to say if my AH would've at least tried to get into rehab and quit drinking, I would've given him a chance. One chance, that's it...cause I believe in the saying "fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice......" So I do believe everyone deserves a chance and I do think you should give him some credit for taking that big step...
Now, what I don't recommend doing at all, is assuming a parenting role in the relationship (paying the bills, taking up responsibilities that are his, worrying more about his well being than yours, etc.) Not only you do NOT help him at all by doing that, but especially and most important, you are not helping yourself at all. I don't think that is what a relationship is about and I think we all deserve more than that. So honestly, moving on your own sounds like a good plan from my perspective...
Now, whatever decision you make, remember to think of yourself first, second and third. You are the most important person in your life, so love yourself and take care of your self before and above anyone else!
Good luck with whatever choice you make! :o)
I have a "run for the hills" mentality, but I have to say if my AH would've at least tried to get into rehab and quit drinking, I would've given him a chance. One chance, that's it...cause I believe in the saying "fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice......" So I do believe everyone deserves a chance and I do think you should give him some credit for taking that big step...
Now, what I don't recommend doing at all, is assuming a parenting role in the relationship (paying the bills, taking up responsibilities that are his, worrying more about his well being than yours, etc.) Not only you do NOT help him at all by doing that, but especially and most important, you are not helping yourself at all. I don't think that is what a relationship is about and I think we all deserve more than that. So honestly, moving on your own sounds like a good plan from my perspective...
Now, whatever decision you make, remember to think of yourself first, second and third. You are the most important person in your life, so love yourself and take care of your self before and above anyone else!
Good luck with whatever choice you make! :o)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2
Thank you for that... I went to bed after i posted that thread and was thinking to myself, you are still in that mode of protecting him. So I guess I do act like his parent bc i am constantly, even while he is in rehab, trying to make sure everything is in order in 'our' life when in actuality, MY life is in shambles. I am going to a counseling session with him and his counselor on Weds,
In the meantime, am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I didn't think it was something for me, but reading all these posts has given me a new perspective and I am so thankful for that. I have felt so alone and depressed lately, dealing with my family and friends....each one of them having their own 'two cents' to give me. Finding this site was a godsend. Thank you again..
In the meantime, am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I didn't think it was something for me, but reading all these posts has given me a new perspective and I am so thankful for that. I have felt so alone and depressed lately, dealing with my family and friends....each one of them having their own 'two cents' to give me. Finding this site was a godsend. Thank you again..
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Hopeful
Yes me too, busy fixing others' lives while mine was in shambles. That is codependency.
I recommend "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Excellent book.
Now I am taking time to know myself and do the stuff I need to do for ME. I feel great.
And I have got lots of clarity of who is who in my life, who needs to stay, who brings great things, and who I have to let go.
It all starts when we start taking care of US. Its about US now. I used to think that sucked, but now I realize "this side" is about: my favorite music, my favorite food, going to spa's, to trips, laughing a lot, hanging out with real friends, exercise, looking good, feeling healthy, feeling grateful, finding joy and peace and an inner foundation, capacity to live and enjoy the present moment even when not everything is OK... having clarity, presence, personality, humility, strength, honesty, purpose, clear goals, HOPE, faith......
I had NONE of that when I was busy seeing someone else´s problems! I am glad I woke up! I was not living then. Its like my soul just arrived and I am loving it! lol
BTW I never fixed anything anyway. We are just not that powerful. No one can change anyone else. It all starts within.
Glad to be in this journey with you!
Yes me too, busy fixing others' lives while mine was in shambles. That is codependency.
I recommend "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Excellent book.
Now I am taking time to know myself and do the stuff I need to do for ME. I feel great.
And I have got lots of clarity of who is who in my life, who needs to stay, who brings great things, and who I have to let go.
It all starts when we start taking care of US. Its about US now. I used to think that sucked, but now I realize "this side" is about: my favorite music, my favorite food, going to spa's, to trips, laughing a lot, hanging out with real friends, exercise, looking good, feeling healthy, feeling grateful, finding joy and peace and an inner foundation, capacity to live and enjoy the present moment even when not everything is OK... having clarity, presence, personality, humility, strength, honesty, purpose, clear goals, HOPE, faith......
I had NONE of that when I was busy seeing someone else´s problems! I am glad I woke up! I was not living then. Its like my soul just arrived and I am loving it! lol
BTW I never fixed anything anyway. We are just not that powerful. No one can change anyone else. It all starts within.
Glad to be in this journey with you!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
PS I forgot to say I also had an Alcoholic ex and after 2+ years he still drinks and is a jerk. I work with him. I hope your loved one recovers for good, but I mention my experience just so you know that peace does not depend on anyone but you, its all in your hands 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
