New and over the lies and drama

Old 05-15-2011, 07:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
New and over the lies and drama

Hi, I'm new to the forum and have been looking at posts as a guest for about a month now.

I've been married for 18 years. My AH didn't start out this way. He tended to drink more than me on social occasions which progressed to sneaking alcohol at home. Probably off and on for the last 10 years. Its been upsetting but manageable. The usual he says he realizes needs to cut down "sees the light" Things are good for 2 wks to a month then the cycle starts again.

I reached my breaking point about a month ago. He was completely drunk and I confronted him( a mistake I know). He started punching the walls and car.

I was going to leave at this point. I'm tired of not knowing what I'm coming home to. More empty promises- was going to stop drinking for 30 days we're all he has, etc. Lasted about 3 weeks - came home tonight to him slurring his words, etc.

He was like this on Monday- didn't say anything. I'm at the point of giving up. I didn't sign up for this.

I really have found some peace just reading on this forum. It's nice to know my feelings are normal.

He left tonight. Our 17 year old talks about how drunk he was and how does he think it's not obvious? She told him a month ago that she knows he's an alcoholic, he should go to AA, and she loves him.

Glad there is a place for me to vent. Thanks for listening
ICURN is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 07:53 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
welcome icurn-

glad you found us. if you've been reading for a month, you'll know that there is absolutely nothing you can do to get your AH to stop drinking. he'll stop if/when he hits his bottom.

that said, here, we all try to put the focus back on OUR lives, face our issues, reach for our goals.

it sounds like you've reached your bottom. consider gettting some support at alanon and also, personal counseling.

mine started off punching walls. then he started throwing things like full cups of coffee. then he started blocking exits. then he attacked me. i moved out. six months after, when i was making new friends and beginning my independent life, he showed up at a party, drunk, and threw me down a stairwell and broke my shoulder.

leaving is a dangerous time. i never thought he'd do what he did, but it happened to me. be safe.

naive
naive is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:10 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome. I am pretty new around here too. I would highly recommend alanon if you have not yet gone. Although my AH continues to drink I feel that I am handling me better with it. What will happen to our marriage in the long run I am not certain, but at least I feel I am on my way to finding some peace.

Like you I feel like I did not sign up for this either. I really hate where my marriage it at right now and I really wish my AH would wake up and get better, but as we know them finding sobriety or not is not our choice.
Alone22 is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:16 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
I'm glad you got away. I admire the strength that must have taken for you to leave.

My AH has told me countless times he's "hit bottom" then it seems like the hole is getting deeper.

I am generally a fun person to be around. I have spent all this energy worrying and it has gotten me nowhere.

I start to get independent and then AH starts to get a little better which gives me brief hope.

I'm going to find an alanon meeting and a counselor. If the boards are so much help just by reading, then Alanon might help me feel more grounded.

Thanks so much for saying what I needed to hear.
ICURN is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:20 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eight Ball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Welcome to SR ICURN,

I am pleased that you have found us and this is a great place to vent. You will find many on SR who can empathise with you because we have been exactly where you are, including me. I would like to share my ESH (experience, strength and hope)

My AH of 23yrs (on 28th May) admits he is an alcoholic but still drinks. I have spent the past 18months at Al-anon learning and trying to detach from my AH drinking and behaviours but havent been very successful. I still notice him drinking, hiding smoking and the money coming out of our bank account and it upsets me a lot. I have been verbally abused for the past 22 years, so my self esteem had taken a battering. I have been going to therapy for the past year and this has helped a lot.

My youngest DD was 17yrs old when her dad started bullying her. She was tired of walking on eggshells and didnt feel safe in her own home when she was alone with her dad. She moved out and is much happier being away from that unwanted stress in her life. She too, knows that her dad is an alcoholic. When I spoke to my AH about our daughter leaving due to his bullying, he said that she would have left anyway eventually. He doesnt get what he has done and is lucky that he still has a relationship with her at all.

One day, after seeing my doctor, I thought that I could end up dying due to my husbands alcoholism. I was stressed, depressed, suffering cronic migraines, am overweight with high collestorol and I have an AH who continues to choose alcohol over me and our family. It was at this point that I decided that I matter and I am important. I matter to me, my health matters to me, my life matters to me and so I told my AH of 23yrs that he has chosen to carry on drinking and thats his choice but I had a choice too, whether to stay and live with an alcoholic or leave. I chose to leave.

Currently we are cohabitating (in seperate rooms) whilst I look for somewhere to move to on my own. We are talking about a 50/50 split due to the fact that we both work and earn equal amounts. Even my husbands pride and joy(his boat) that he has waited at least 6 years to own is going to be sold. It is stressful living in these circumstances but I feel as though a huge load has been taken from me. I still get stressed when I see beer purchases coming out of the account but I tell myself its not for long and do something nice for myself instead. My AH is going to lose me (and I am great!) our 23yr marriage, half our savings and his boat and all so he can have a beer.

Sometimes I think what a waste of a good marriage and then I remind myself that the marriage cant be that good if it comes second to beer. Beer is pretty low in the contest stakes!

Stick around, keep reading. Look into Al-anon. You will find your own way.
Eight Ball is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:23 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
Thanks alone, you're right! I can't convince him to quit drinking- he has to figure it out himself.

I would rather he just tell me he's not quitting- instead of the constant lying and hiding.

I think I'm going to end up walking away before he finds his bottom.
ICURN is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:25 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by ICURN View Post
I'm going to find an alanon meeting and a counselor. If the boards are so much help just by reading, then Alanon might help me feel more grounded.
I would suggest when looking for counselors, ask for one that has experience in addiction or those affected by addiction. It does make a difference, because addiction is complicated, and having someone experienced in that already understands the conflicting emotions that go along with the problem.

And I am so grateful to Al-Anon, I have grown so much just by attending a meeting once a week. I have been to four different Al-Anon groups while trying to find one I liked. Some were alright, some I hated, and my Tuesday meeting feels just like home. If you have options for multiple meetings, keep "shopping" until you find the meeting that fits. Feel free to locate more than one you like, too.
StarCat is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:31 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
Sorry eightball, I so understand the anger you're going through. It seems like such a waste for a marriage to be thrown away because alcohol is so appealing.

There are so many things in life I want to do, and it sounds like you do too.

As far as a counselor- where should I look?
ICURN is offline  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:46 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eight Ball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
As far as a counselor- where should I look?
As Starcat suggested - do look for a counselor/therapist with alcoholism experience, it really does make a huge difference.

I started by going to my doctor who recommended a psychotherapist at the surgery. I went to six sessions with him but he kept telling me to leave and at that stage I certainly wasnt ready to. He offered me very little in the way of working on myself. I stopped going.

When things got bad again with AH, I searched online for therapists and read up about them and where they have experience in and found one who had a lot of experience working with alcoholics.

She has been great. She cant relate but she knows the alcoholism talk, so I feel that she at least understands a little of what I go through. I told her about my previous sessions and being told to leave all the time, so she stayed clear of discussing that with me other than in coversations about putting me first etc. For instance, I was talking about how my husband behaviour really upsets me the most when it is directed towards our daughters. She told me thats because my daughters are so important to me but that I am important too. That stuck. In fact lots of things we have talked about have stuck with me and I now feel like I am too worthy of having an alcoholic in my life and I can do so much better!

BTW - I dont really feel angry or sad at the moment. (just a little) I feel empowered to move on with my life and looking forward to the challange.
Eight Ball is offline  
Old 05-16-2011, 01:59 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Icurn I hear you on the just tell me you are not quitting and stop hiding and lying about it. My AH always hides and lies, period. He will fully admit he is an A, goes to AA meetings etc, but still continues to drink. I have stepped back and asked myself if in fact I would want him to openly drink and not hide? The answer was nope, I actually like it better if he doesn't drink in front of me because I know it would really upset me if he did. So now I just accept the fact the he is playing this game of hid and go drink then lie about it. The difference for me at this point is that now I am not part of the game, the only person that is still playing it is him. If he wants to lie and hid and continue to fool only himself then so be it. I know what he is doing and dwelling on it doesn't do a thing to change it. I am taking time to heal me and through the healing process and letting go and letting God I believe the right answers for me will come in time. For me to find true happiness and serenity I may need to leave my marriage of 21 years, but maybe not. I just know right now I don't have to make any long determine decisions. I am done being mad about his drinking, now I just focus on his behavior.
Alone22 is offline  
Old 05-16-2011, 02:55 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I am in the exact same boat as you. Married 23 years and mine does the stop and start thing too. I am finally done and still living with him because our house is on the market. He does not understand because he feels that he can stop for periods at a time. He thinks I am being totally unreasonable and throwing our great life together away. You see, in his eyes he provides finacially and always has (very hard worker) and can stop drinking for a month or so at a time. He thinks that he is fine and can control it. I see it completely different and I am ready to move on. I have had enough of the rollercoaster ride and am getting off.

Hugs to you and keep posting. It really does help and if not for the people on this board, I do not know how I would have make it through all this.
JACKRUSSELLGIRL is offline  
Old 05-16-2011, 05:26 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
Yes, my AH is a hard worker too. I came home last night from working and he was drunk and of course denied it. He took our 17 yr old out paddleboarding and fell twice cause he was drunk. Of course it was because the fin got loose. Yeah right!

Anyway, my 17 yr old said he was drunk all day and she saw him get at nonalcoholic beer out of the fridge just before I got home and she was thinking that was pretty dumb to think that would cover his slurred speech.

So of course he said, "What have you got to complain about- I made a nice dinner!"

He left last night and I texted him and told him not to be here today. I must say the house is peaceful and my normally quiet 14 yr old girl seems much happier tonight.

I'm still really stressed and panicky but I figure I can do anything one day at a time.

My next step is to find an Al Anon meeting to go to and a counselor. Just need to make the time to do that for myself.

After a few days of fighting I usually take him back. He says he realizes he has a drinking problem etc. I go back before he's hit bottom and all I'm doing is pulling him back up before he gets there.

I used to be afraid of being alone and having him leave then get sober and find someone else. Now I'm more afraid of the insane life I feel like I'm living.
ICURN is offline  
Old 05-16-2011, 05:48 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
lightseeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
ICURN,

I just wanted to welcome you. I work in the ICU's too but am a P.T. Your work is stressful enough without having to come home to an unsure environment.

The push/pull is really difficult. It's hard when there is a glimmer of hope because that is so what we want to believe in (that things will get better). My husband is sober (almost 6 years) but unfortunately has not worked a recovery program. I am in the process of disengaging and leaving and it is extremely difficult to do. He has become very emotionally and verbally abusive at times - then apologetic...the entire abusive cycle. Again and again. I am finally doing something about it but it is really really difficult.

I think that the advice to go to Alanon meetings and to find a counselor that understands addiction is really on target. That is what I have done and it has been incredibly helpful.

Glad that you have found our forum. It is a great resource. Sending you warm thoughts.
lightseeker is offline  
Old 05-16-2011, 08:59 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eight Ball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by ICURN View Post
I used to be afraid of being alone and having him leave then get sober and find someone else. Now I'm more afraid of the insane life I feel like I'm living.
Al-anon and councelling will help. I felt axactly like this for a long time.
Eight Ball is offline  
Old 05-17-2011, 01:22 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
That's what's so great about this forum. You feel like you're going crazy and when you come on this forum, you realize your feelings are completely normal.

My AH won't go to meetings or get help either. I can't count the number of times he has tried on his own and is still failing. What's worse he admits he has a problem. Then when he doesnt drink he mourns when he sees other people drinking in their back yards, etc. He had about 2 weeks sober. I came home once and he was drinking and totally detatched. When I came home later that week and he was drunk while having the kids, I reached my breaking point.

Yeah my job is stressful enough. I'm in charge so I have a whole team to be responsible for. I see the alcoholics with cirrhosis in their 40's going through withdrawal and I think about how that could be my AH in a few years. Luckily I love my job and my coworkers. Work is a great outlet for me right now.
ICURN is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:01 AM.