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For those of you with RAH/RAW or RABF/RAGF who are separated ...



For those of you with RAH/RAW or RABF/RAGF who are separated ...

Old 05-15-2011, 10:53 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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For those of you with RAH/RAW or RABF/RAGF who are separated ...

What was the final tipping point for you to go? Were you working your program enough to not feel guilt about abandoning him or her when he/she was in recovery?

I'm struggling with the "he's working on stuff but isn't really into it" stuff in my brain and could use some experience stories about it all ...

Quick backstory for those who don't know it ... married 8.5 months, he was drinking before we got married but denial is a beautiful thing. Went into rehab in February. Has had some improvements, but is generally not working his program/not looking for a job (so he's not supporting our family). We still live together -- house is in his name. Essentially a roommate situation. He also has a 10-year-old daughter that I am dealing with the guilt of leaving ... love her. Second divorce for her dad in her young life.

Thanks. And if this has been answered before, happy to be referred to the specific thread and then I can remove this.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:10 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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she went to jail for her 4th dui and had me arrested for assault when she was drunk. i have not seen her since march 7 I still love her but the lies and drinking had to go
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Old 05-15-2011, 12:43 PM
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My life had truly become unmanageable and I was afraid of losing my job and everything I had worked so hard to achieve, plus it was unhealthy for my daughters (his step daughters). I don't feel like I abandoned him - he's a grown man - he can take care of himself. He did before I came along, he's doing now after I moved out.

My choice was to save myself and find my own peace and serenity. I have no guilt over my decision. I have sadness most days and sometimes anger but never have I felt guilty for leaving.

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 05-15-2011 at 12:44 PM. Reason: typos!
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Old 05-15-2011, 01:19 PM
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My ex was not in recovery, but it doesn't sound like yours is either...

My life, too, became unmanageable. On a daily basis I was struggling with detachment, and keeping my own serenity, and being with him bacame toxic to my well being. I put myself first, and decided to leave.

I felt I would have been abandoning myself, my life, and my chance at happiness by staying. I don't look at me leaving as abandoning him, I look at it as getting out of the way. Giving him the dignity to live his life how he wants, not how I think it should be. (any changes, usually temporary, that he made were to placate me, not because he wanted to get better). Do you feel if you weren't in the picture, he would be in 'recovery'? If not, than he's not doing it for the right reasons. That's a recipe for resentment and disappointment.

His daughter has to go through life the way God intends, for her to become the person she will become. I had to go through my parents' divorce, and being raised by an alcoholic stepfather, to get to where I am today, and I'm a pretty awesome person today, I think. I wouldn't trade my dysfunctional upbringing for the world. It was my path. Also, nothing says you can't stay in contact with her, if you do decide to leave.

You'll know when it's time to make a decision. Mine was like an epiphany, an awakening I had one day. I've never looked back. Didn't do it until I was 100% ready, and that's why I have no regrets.

Love and hugs your way!
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Old 05-15-2011, 01:33 PM
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Same story here-after three years of stabs at recovery followed by relapses, it was time to put my interests, my life, my sanity first.

Every time there was a change in my life-in particular, returning to school, taking me out of his sphere of control, he would relapse. I was struggling with him, with our relationship, torn between my love for him, but losing my identity, my sanity and serenity in the process.

So, six weeks ago, after being called a quitter (see the "I quit" thread-guess I am one, a proud one, not what he imagined) during another relapse, I pulled the plug. Went total no contact. It's not been easy but I knew I was ready to do it.

Having a lot of sad moments, tough times with memories of times past both good and bad, but I know it's for the best for both of us. He has the freedom to live his life as he sees fit and so do I.

Had several interesting emails from him, ranging from sad to mad, to plain angry and mean and I haven't responded to any to them. Had to contact him last week about an insurance matter-kept to the subject at hand and I won't repeat his reply except it involved four letter words. It's in the hands of the insurance office now.

All I can says is that you will know when it's time to move on. It's hard to explani, different for everyone, but you'll know.

Hugs coming to you from puppy dog and I.....
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Old 05-15-2011, 02:39 PM
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The parenting is absolutely unmanageable for me.
We are seperated, but I am heading toward making a real break.
Like, no contact, like MOVE the heck out of Dodge.

I vascillate wildly between knowing and wanting that, and falling into illusion.

One thing that keeps me on track, more than other things lately:

I used to say, I know he has a disease, if I could only get him sober...I would never put up wth this sh*t if he was sober! Who would...

Guess what? He is sober. He is a grade A A88hole.

I have to remind myself, that while he has made changes, they are ALL ON HIS TERMS< TIMELINE< COMFORT LEVEL< AND at HIS CONVENIENCE>

MY LIFE has not changed too much at all since he got sober.
He doesnt sleep around. He doesnt call drunk after 10pm. He doesnt call drunk at all.

Honestly, thats all I can say, because even when he was drunk he saw his son occassionally.
Even when he was drunk I got $328/ child support. Same I get now, only he makes a boatload more than he did as a drunk on Unemployment.

So, I try to remember how self centered he is, and think, wow...If I could just grab a small bit of that self oriented mindset, I would just be approaching balance. I am so on the other end, now, with him...all take and no give on his part.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:55 PM
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Things had been slowly progressing worse in the last 2 years. About a year ago he lost his job. It was very rocky last summer and it was 6 months before he got a chance to return. I really thought that things would get better during this period but instead they got worse. I decided in December that I was going to leave him but could not right at the minute as our dd was having a spinal fusion in January. The final tipping point for me was when he could barely make time to come visit us at the hospital because he would rather be at home drinking. When we returned home I told him he needed to find somewhere else to stay I was filing for divorce. He ended up going on a drinking binge and got another dui.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:47 PM
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What was the turning point for me to leave: Too Much On My Mentality, Could not deal with the Jekyl & Hyde Personality.
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