He made the choice

Old 05-15-2011, 08:19 AM
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Location: South Texas, USA
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He made the choice

My ABF,-who was a no-program-do-it-on-his-own RABF since 01/04/2011, is now officially ABF, possible XABF at this point.

Update on story: Thanksgiving last year, he bailed on me and child, too drunk and depressed to handle 'family' for the holidays. He spent time at his parents, locked in his room and drinking. During Christmas, he stayed at our house while child and I were out of town for two weeks. He spent the entire time drinking by himself. He was incapable of appearing at friends' or family's get togethers at that time.

Finally, on 01/04/2011, he quit. I sat with him for 5 days at his parents while he went through some scary DTs.

While he was sober, he talked about how hard it was to be sober. He refused medical evaluation and meetings. He said he was determined. He said life was not better now that he was sober. He stayed at our house with us for two weeks in February before a friend of mine came to stay with us so she could relocate to my state from California.

He came to visit quite often but would get frustrated that there were people in 'his house'. He stomped around angrily. A lot.

I was hospitalized for a few days at the end of April for hypertensive crisis. He came to visit me in ICU once. For an hour. That was too much for him to handle. He was helpful in getting my child to/from school, though.

My friend moved out last weekend. He came back, presumably to stay. We had talked about a better future when he came back, sober. He was here one day, and I noticed he was stalking around like a caged animal. I didn't feel we were a couple. I felt that he had emotionally shut me out completely. He slept on the sofa.

I asked him about it.

He admitted he had started drinking again. His parents found his bottles and had asked him to leave. He had no where to go. I told him he couldn't do that here, either. He rationalized that he could drink in moderation with no problems. He said it was my problem that it was a problem and not his problem. He wanted to be able to drink and for me to accept it. I couldn't. I told him it scared me to travel that same road with him. He told me I have serious problems.

He left that night, but he called very early morning hours begging me to come get him. He was parked in front of his parents' house and was sleeping in his car. I told him to stay there, that I could not come get him. I had a final to complete that next morning, plus I had my child here in bed asleep.

The next day, he emailed me that he'd talked to his parents who had agreed to allow him to rent a property they own. He said, "sober or not, I'm not coming back this time."

I wrote back wishing him the very best, let him know that I still love him, of course, and that I'd help him pack his things to have ready for him to move.

That was 5 days ago.

I feel lost and weird and empty, but peaceful.

I know this is the right thing, and I know this is best for my child and me. In my head, I know this is right. In my heart, I'm still struggling.

I have finished this semester with surprisingly terrific grades, and my future looks bright. My finances are too tight for me to even look at with an objective eye, but I have faith they will work out, too.

I am reaching out today because I think I need that extra push to do 'normal' things with my day.

Thank you.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:44 AM
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Good for you! And yes, the head and the heart often don't match. That is my struggle, too. FindingPeace wrote on her thread today - just keep swimming, just keep swimming. I remember that line from the movie - Finding Nemo - and how appropriate it is for all of us here. Just keep swimming.

I am going through the motions, walking the walk so to speak. I hope my heart catches up soon.

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:44 AM
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You're gonna be OK.

Congrats on the grades, and you are right, the finances will work out. Sometimes it is a pinch for awhile, but good things are on the horizon.

Now, go out and do something good for yourself today. Only you know what that might be.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:50 AM
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Chaotically Peaceful
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WTG! You put the needs of yourself and your child first and you should feel proud. Keep this feeling in your pocket so you can pull it out when you are feeling less than strong.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:19 AM
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My ABF became my EX about six weeks ago and while my head says "Yes, Yes, Yes," my heart is still saying "No, No,No." Still waiting for the two to start talking in harmony.

Having faith and hope that things will work out is helping me survive. My finances are tight but with the help of a very loving mom, I am getting by.

In the meantime, I'm going to school as well, looking forward to working, going to Al-Anon, posting and reading here and being grateful for the people in my life who love and accept me for who I am, not who I was supposed to be.

Hugs from puppy dog and I coming your way....
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:39 AM
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The road can be windy and some days we put our head down and just look at the step behind the next, other days we can look up and see the expanse of where we have yet to go, and on those rare days, we can turn around and see the enormity of our success thus far.

You have come such a long way in such a short span, and to do so holding up your school work, raising a child, and keeping your sanity is no small trek indeed!!!

You have let him go so he can see that those "problems" he was so convinced you have are actually his own. It is what he needs if he is to ever find recovery from his addiction. You have done the very best you can for him and with that the best for you and your child. It takes great strength and courage. He may one day see that, but until then find solace in the fact that we see it and think it's amazing!

When life seems too big and overwhelming, I find it helpful to pick a small tangible task to complete and focus my energy there, even if it just a thorough vacuuming of a rug, or a good scrub of the tub. Lets my mind rest as I expend some energy and in the end I can step back see my result. I often feel more energized to move on to the next thing. Let the big stuff like finances go for a while.

Hang in there!

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