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Just tired of dealing with the same crap

Old 05-14-2011, 08:35 PM
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Just tired of dealing with the same crap

So my ah and I have been living apart for 3 months. He seems to be doing ok in recovery and then he will have a slip up. I am getting really frustrated and I don't know how much longer I can continue this. I have already told him that he cannot come back home until he works on his issues and is actively working on his recovery.

It always seems that a slip up will happen after we have a few really good days. Case in point last night, he sent me a text that said "I can't do this anymore." and then when I tried to call him we would not answer. Well today he called and tried to twist it around and say that he said "I don't think I can do this anymore." and that he was just having a bad day yesterday and wasn't he allowed to have a bad day? I calmly told him that is not what he said and I still had the text to prove it.

I am just really discouraged because I feel like anytime we start to make real progress something happens that sends us 2 steps back. I am not sure if he was drinking yesterday or not, but I would have to guess yes. I guess this is more of a vent and I just feel really lost. I am tired of the uncertainty. I filed for divorce 3 months ago and about 2 months ago we decided that we would try to work on things.

I just feel like I am in rut. I was going to counseling but stopped because I felt that my counselor did not have enough knowledge on alcoholism. I really need to find one that specializes in chemical dependency. I stopped going to him when he recommended that I pay him to attend AA meetings as an incentive for him to attend. I just think that is wacky.
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Old 05-14-2011, 08:51 PM
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Good instincts-paying someone to attend AA is not only wacky but codependent.

Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
So my ah and I have been living apart for 3 months. He seems to be doing ok in recovery and then he will have a slip up. I am getting really frustrated and I don't know how much longer I can continue this. I have already told him that he cannot come back home until he works on his issues and is actively working on his recovery.

It always seems that a slip up will happen after we have a few really good days. Case in point last night, he sent me a text that said "I can't do this anymore." and then when I tried to call him we would not answer. Well today he called and tried to twist it around and say that he said "I don't think I can do this anymore." and that he was just having a bad day yesterday and wasn't he allowed to have a bad day? I calmly told him that is not what he said and I still had the text to prove it.

I am just really discouraged because I feel like anytime we start to make real progress something happens that sends us 2 steps back. I am not sure if he was drinking yesterday or not, but I would have to guess yes. I guess this is more of a vent and I just feel really lost. I am tired of the uncertainty. I filed for divorce 3 months ago and about 2 months ago we decided that we would try to work on things.

I just feel like I am in rut. I was going to counseling but stopped because I felt that my counselor did not have enough knowledge on alcoholism. I really need to find one that specializes in chemical dependency. I stopped going to him when he recommended that I pay him to attend AA meetings as an incentive for him to attend. I just think that is wacky.
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Good instincts-paying someone to attend AA is not only wacky but codependent.
Yes, I was struggling with an issue due to my ah's legal fees (from his recent dui). He has been unsuccessful in finding steady work and has been working part time. I had told the counselor I was really struggling on his lawyer fees. If does not pay them off by July he will go to jail. I have the money and could help him easily but he got himself into this mess and I feel like he should get himself out of it. But I really struggle with the issue if he goes to jail how it would affect the kids. So I asked him guidance on if I should pay them or not and he came up with the wacky idea that I should pay him to attend AA meetings. I have not went back since.
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Old 05-14-2011, 10:11 PM
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Hard on the kids to see daddy go to jail. Harder on the kids to not have daddy face the consequences of his actions, gets worse and dies early. Maybe jail is the wake up call he needs to find real recovery and if you pay his attorney you could be standing in the way of it. It would be VERY hard for me not to pay the fees but I am becoming a firm believer in let go and let God, let the A's face the consequences and keep the focus on your own recovery.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:06 AM
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u live separately? then dont make HIS ISSUES yours....he needs to deal with his own crap....

the 3c's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:34 AM
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Some people just don't want to recover. I do my best to stay out of these people's way, because they will only bring me down with them. Sending a cryptic text and then not answering your phone call is manipulation, plain and simple. That is not "working on things". He wanted to get inside your head, in a negative way, and he did.

If you agreed to work on things, and you're not comfortable with his efforts, you always have options.

Save that money for the kids... he's a big boy, he can take care of his own bills.

Glad you ditched the therapist! Have you tried Alanon?
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
Some people just don't want to recover. I do my best to stay out of these people's way, because they will only bring me down with them. Sending a cryptic text and then not answering your phone call is manipulation, plain and simple. That is not "working on things". He wanted to get inside your head, in a negative way, and he did.

If you agreed to work on things, and you're not comfortable with his efforts, you always have options.

Save that money for the kids... he's a big boy, he can take care of his own bills.

Glad you ditched the therapist! Have you tried Alanon?
I went to Alanon years ago. I have started thinking about going again. They only have one meeting a week here and it is on Tuesday night. I work full time, have a 2 hour commute (round trip) and full custody of my kids. There is no way I would be able to make it to that meeting. I work in a large city that has many meetings and have thought about going to one on my lunch break. I should look into that this week.
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
I went to Alanon years ago. I have started thinking about going again. They only have one meeting a week here and it is on Tuesday night. I work full time, have a 2 hour commute (round trip) and full custody of my kids. There is no way I would be able to make it to that meeting. I work in a large city that has many meetings and have thought about going to one on my lunch break. I should look into that this week.
You should also maybe look into some of the online meetings. They're not as good for the face-to-face interaction, but the meaning is still there. I hit one of those if I can't get into one in person.
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