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Old 05-14-2011, 02:40 PM
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Pendulum Swings

This may seem pitty or selfish of me to worry but i just want to see what others thought about it...

My RAH husband has went from being an alcoholic to "very religious". I'm a believer also but him and I are on a different levels with religion. My husband left last September and relapsed but before he left his behavior started getting erratic, restless and bizarre which included walking three hours on the beach talking to his "Father" (HP) and demanded that we couldnt listen to any other music in his truck except gospel and that i was repeatly called a "Heathen" for listening to other music... He left, drove 16 hours straight to return to his hometown where he drank and drank..
Anyways....
he came back in Nov and just recently i smelt alcohol on his breathe twice. But the bizarre disconnected and religious behavior is back in full force and im back to being judged that my beliefs aren't good enough. I can understand religion and seeking out a relationship with HP but its a package deal to me. Why cant there just be peace for awhile... no drama..
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Old 05-14-2011, 06:43 PM
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Sorry to report. There will be no peace or lack of drama until he and only he decides. Your husband is in control. Not you. Oh, he'll talk about change and say all the things you need to hear.

But deep down, he won't really change. Most likely.

Mine hasn't. Still brags daily about how "good" she's doing. And how AA is really helping. Yet, with ZERO effort on my part I continue to find wine, smell it, and observe her behavior exactly as if she had been drinking. Even a HINT of me suspecting her drinking results in a tantrum any 3 year old would be proud of. Followed by more lies, and more accusations. Sound familiar?

It doesn't change.

No apologies for being the resident cynic in our midst. I was drinking the koolaide of her change for while. But the reality is even faced with losing everything, she can't stop. Can't change. Lies, lies and more lies.

Perhaps they only way they ever change is when we finally pack up our crap and leave. Then it hits them. They change. And become the person we fell in love with. But they spend the rest of their life with someone else. That is how I see it.
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Old 05-14-2011, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Perhaps they only way they ever change is when we finally pack up our crap and leave. Then it hits them. They change. And become the person we fell in love with. But they spend the rest of their life with someone else. That is how I see it.
Possibly. This is part of the whole fiasco that bothers me the most.

But the other alternative is they die an early and lonely death and everyone around them is secretly relieved to see them go.

FL - your husband sounds crazy. If he's an alcoholic and he sounds crazy - he's probably hitting the booze pretty hard. Or maybe he is sober and you are seeing the uncovering of a mental disorder. Either way - does this sound rational to you now that you have typed it all out?

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 05-14-2011 at 06:56 PM. Reason: forgot to respond to original post!
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:45 AM
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My RAH was weird like this for months right before he went in for rehab.
He once spent several days telling me that he was concerned for the soul of our child, because I did not go to church, because I integrate buddhist and metaphysical ideas into my spiritual path.
Mind you, HE has never set foot in a church, but was raised to believe he would go to H*ll for that.

I was nervous that when he came out of rehab, he would become as you have described your husband. Only because he is extreme and is as yet undiagnosed with whatever personality or mood disorder he does have.

The judging is common for a dry drunk.

The extreme thinking and black and white views are also.

The walking on the beach talking to his father sound like borderline mental issues to me.

PEople do this when they are going through spiritual awakenings, no doubt, but, it sounds like it is ungrounded.

Bottom line, he is not recovering, but stagnating, and relapsing.

If he is out of your life, and out of yur house, thank your lucky stars, because the chaotic world that that would bring is unworkable for people in the real world.

Keep posting.
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:46 AM
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Here is a link to some helpful reading for you. I think you will find some familiar behaviors listed...

Dry Drunk Syndrome
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Old 05-15-2011, 08:44 AM
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Perhaps they only way they ever change is when we finally pack up our crap and leave. Then it hits them. They change. And become the person we fell in love with. But they spend the rest of their life with someone else. That is how I see it.
Well, here's the thing: If that's what it takes for them to become the person we fell in love with, and they spend the rest of their life with someone else, then we've done them the biggest favor of their lives. And we get to chalk that up on the side of "good" for ourselves. Because staying with them so we can both drown together isn't good for either of us.

Mine also got religion in a big way. I've been the one taking the kids to church for 20 years (he said people judge him in church and he doesn't want to go). Now all of a sudden, the mainstream Protestant church we've been attending isn't fundamentalist enough for him, and he's told the kids that if they don't start going to his church full time, they get to join Mom in hell when they die. Nice.

I think in my AXH's case, the church is a place full of loving, well-meaning codependents who will listen to his story and believe it and help him -- and also that when his world fell apart, he needed something to hold onto, and a church that's hard-core fundamentalist gives him that framework.

I recognize a lot of what you're saying -- my AXH was furious that someone had given the kids this book "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief" because it talks about Greek gods... told them they'd go to hell if they didn't burn the book. I really think the sticking-to-the-rules thing is just something that makes them feel safe and in control.
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:22 AM
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Oh yes, the religion thing. I remember posting on here back in late January/early February, because AH ordered a Bible not long after he threw a major tantrum at me. I was concerned at the time that he would find bible verses, etc to use against me, to further "put me down".

He hasn't touched it since the first day he opened the box. So I have that to be thankful for.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I really think the sticking-to-the-rules thing is just something that makes them feel safe and in control.
I think it's the easy way to them feelings they're "doing the right thing." They just follow this checklist, and nothing else matters, because they'll be okay.
I think too it's easy when you're running from your past to go find a church to hide behind, and the stricter churches seem to fit that bill more because again, all you've got to do is follow the checklist.


...not meaning to be disrespectful to any organized religions or anything, it's just that those sorts of churches do appeal to those sorts of people, regardless of the level of devotion and/or faithfulness and/or spirituality of any of the other members in that church.

When mine was in rehab, he started talking about how he wanted to go to church every week, and I could pick whatever one I wanted, and he'd even go to a Catholic one if I chose that since he knows I'd prefer that. (This coming from a man who always spent at least part of his drunken, abusive tirades talking about how the Pope should be shot for molesting young boys, and how the Catholic Church is the haven for molesters, thieves, and hypocrites.)

It's not the FAITH they're after, it's the FACADE.
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post


If he is out of your life, and out of yur house, thank your lucky stars, because the chaotic world that that would bring is unworkable for people in the real world.

Keep posting.
No, he is still in my home.
I suggested that he call and talk with his children that are in another state about his religious feelings and awakenings or visit and seek out help from the local church where we go. He said that he tried to talk to the church people but they couldnt relate either. He said he must be special and is the only one to have heard the actual voice of God...
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post

It's not the FAITH they're after, it's the FACADE.
that is such a good point

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Old 05-15-2011, 02:22 PM
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Uh..when I packed up my exabf got even worse. I know this cuz he's spending every weekend with his pothead drunky ex. He certainly didn't become the person I always wanted.

Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
Sorry to report. There will be no peace or lack of drama until he and only he decides. Your husband is in control. Not you. Oh, he'll talk about change and say all the things you need to hear.

But deep down, he won't really change. Most likely.

Mine hasn't. Still brags daily about how "good" she's doing. And how AA is really helping. Yet, with ZERO effort on my part I continue to find wine, smell it, and observe her behavior exactly as if she had been drinking. Even a HINT of me suspecting her drinking results in a tantrum any 3 year old would be proud of. Followed by more lies, and more accusations. Sound familiar?

It doesn't change.

No apologies for being the resident cynic in our midst. I was drinking the koolaide of her change for while. But the reality is even faced with losing everything, she can't stop. Can't change. Lies, lies and more lies.

Perhaps they only way they ever change is when we finally pack up our crap and leave. Then it hits them. They change. And become the person we fell in love with. But they spend the rest of their life with someone else. That is how I see it.
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Old 05-15-2011, 02:30 PM
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He said that he tried to talk to the church people but they couldnt relate either. He said he must be special and is the only one to have heard the actual voice of God...

This is a big red flag for mental illness.
My brother is schizophrenic, and his first psychotic break began that way. Many do.
I am not trying to scare you, but the being special and God only talking to them thing is heading into See A Psychiatristville, in my book. /

Take care of yourself
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Uh..when I packed up my exabf got even worse. I know this cuz he's spending every weekend with his pothead drunky ex. He certainly didn't become the person I always wanted.
I have made no predictions of the certainty of outcomes. I did preface my thoughts with a "perhaps". It is right there.

However, bravo for supporting my usual position. Running away seems to have worked, as your Ex was not ready to change. And you were. Glad he is out of your life.

Perhaps your ex will eventually grow and figure out what he's doing is unhealthy for his favorite person: Him. And then maybe he'll set out on a course of real change. Perhaps not.
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Old 05-16-2011, 08:05 AM
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Part Two:
After a few weeks of being in a slumb, restless and bizarre. I had suggested RAH get out do some fishing,ocean,meetings (which he no longer attends) or hang out with Sober friends to get out of the rut and mood he was in..
He decided to go away for the weekend... at first i worried what might happen but then realized i was powerless over him when is he gone and even when he is around.. so i enjoyed a peaceful weekend. Saturday he engaged in some judgemental texts and religion based ones and Sunday he missed me being there.
Sunday when he came home he was in a great mood. We laughed and joked around like old times. We went to bed and i could smell "old wine" on his breath.. At first i wasnt going to confront him but the smell was too much. I said i smell wine on you. This time he said Yes. I said when did you drink. He said Friday night and Saturday. He said thats what i went there for. If it was the "old" me i would of gave him the "show" that he deserved for his actions.. crying, yelling, upset..and then he could have material to use to justify him drinking. THIS time i gave him the "show" i deserved!! i just laid there in silence and fell asleep peacefully.
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