New here - My story in small bites

Old 05-14-2011, 07:17 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
New here - My story in small bites

I have been lurking here for a while, wanting to post but feeling like I should tell my story first. This feels like a painful and daunting task, but here goes...

1997 - Married my AH, not knowing he was an alcoholic. We were both social drinkers, but nothing serious. Everything is great. Great marriage, great job, he's a great father, etc. for many years.

2004 - We have many deaths in our family. AH starts anti-depressants but they don't seem to work. He starts self-medication with brandy. Drinking alone in the garage after the kids and I have gone to sleep. THIS WAS A HUGE RED FLAG FOR ME! My father was an alcoholic, I knew the signs, and I chose to ignore it.

Drinking gets progressively worse. He gets drunker, less of a father, less of a partner and I get angrier and angrier. Still only drinking in the garage at night, so we both still delude ourselves into thinking we are all "ok".

June 2008 - Starts to have real trouble at work. I put my foot down, "Rehab or leave." So he goes to a 30-day program. He gets out of rehab and goes to a meeting every night for almost a year. (At this point, our kids are 6, 8 & 10) I'm angry and resentful and lonely and bitter. (He stays sober for 2.5 years.)

Fall 2009 - I find out about 6-month affair he had back in 2007. I am destroyed. Completely fall apart. Have never felt such complete despair in my entire life. No remorse from him. A few mumbled "I'm sorry's". Finally decide to find an Al-anon meeting, knowing I cannot go on alone any longer.

I continue to go to Al-anon as often as possible and read, read, read. As my recovery gets stronger, his seems to slide. He's going to 3 meetings a week, but not "walking the walk".

Nov 2010 - AH starts drinking again. I knew the moment I saw him. but instead of getting angry I hugged him and told him that I knew. Our conversation went something like this,
Me: "You're drinking again?"
AH: "Why do you think that?"
Me: "You know I can tell. I love you and will support you whatever you are going through."
AH: "I'm doing okay with it."
Me: I know, the problem is that when you get to the point that you aren't doing okay with it, and I tell you, you won't believe me."
And we left it at that.
(Hooray for Al-anon!!! I'm still proud my myself for this!!)

So anyway, here we are, 6 months of drinking later. Finding him in the morning asleep at the kitchen table or asleep on the toilet. Not taking the time to take food or coffee to work even though he knows we can't afford for him to eat out. (And can't afford the booze either.) Spending all of his free time front of the TV or computer. Angry with the kids and me all the time.

I've left many, many details out of course, but thanks for reading. This is fantastic board and I'm looking forward to being a part of it.
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Cyranoak (05-15-2011)
Old 05-14-2011, 07:27 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Welcome-- I'm pretty new myself.

Are you wondering about whether you want to stay with him still? How are you doing day to day? How are your kids?

Your story sounds so familiar-- hope, a period of change, sliding back into the drinking, you have kids and are worried about finances (that's been a big one for me too) and your AH just doesn't or can't care about the ways his drinking is impacting everyone else... I'm not planning to stay with my AH but when I was, I was really stressed constantly about the money he was spending on food, cigarettes, coffee and alcohol-- we couldn't afford it but he was just doing whatever he wanted without regard for the repurcusions for others...

It must be confusing and sad for your kids and you huh?
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Old 05-14-2011, 08:10 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome... I too am new around here. Our situations are similar, I too am married to an AH and we have 3 kids. My AH also drinks in the garage and sneaks alcohol when we are at other homes. My AH is getting more and more reclusive and less and less involved with the family as his illness has progressed. I reached a point of being so tired, frustrated, and lonely I had to get help for me. I just started going to Alanon a few months ago (really helps but I have a long way to go) and have also been working with a therapist for 8 months. My AH has never had the length of sobriety yours has *sigh* so I can only imagine how difficult and disappointing that is.

Currently I am just working on me and trying to get as healthy as I can so that I can make the best decisions for me and out kids. This site is a real eye opener for me.
The support here is great.
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