ONEinaMILLION

Hi, I'm new to this site. I saw this forum and thought maybe I've landed in the right place (I hope I have!)
I separated from my ex after being married for only 8 months (no kids, thank God). Ever since we started dating (we dated for over 3 yrs) I kind of knew he had drinking issues but always thought it "wasn't that bad" or that my prayers and my love and support would eventually make him "control" his drinking habits. Well... once we got married I realized it WAS THAT BAD! His behavior at home freaked me out, he was constantly drinking, sometimes he would pass out in the couch until the next day, he would drink behind my back, bla bla bla...
So I separated eight months ago now, but haven't gotten a divorce and he keeps making promises, saying he is doing better now, begging me to come back...but I know it is all ********. This happened before (all the begging and promising) when we were going out and I did get back together with him, just to find out that nothing had changed... so this time I'm positive I'm not going back, but I don't seem to have the guts to kick him out of my life for good. I'm kind of desperate...I thought by this time I would have moved on with my life, but I seem to be stucked here full of resentment, pain, regrets, etc. Any advice?

StarCat

Everyone's situation is different, so we can only share what we have done.
There is a lot of ES&H (Experience, Strength, and Hope) on this forum. You have found a great place!

For starters, I would recommend attending Al-Anon. The forum is great, but no substitute for face to face support. Al-Anon is an anonymous organization for those affected by someone else's drinking.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico


Welcome to the forum.
You're in the right place.
You're not crazy, and you're not alone.

ONEinaMILLION

Thanks CAT. I've been to few Alanon meeting, the thing is that where I live (I'm not from the US) there are not a lot of meetings available, so I don't have much of a choice.

StarCat

I am lucky, my area has too many Al-Anon meetings to count, although of course some are better than others.


It's good that you're recognizing that his talk is nothing but that - talk designed to reel you back into the insanity. It has nothing to do with reality.
On this forum, we call that "Quacking."

It's difficult to let go completely, even if we want nothing more to do with the relationship. It takes time to let go of the dreams, and we actually go through the five stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance), sometimes repeatedly for different details, before we can fully let go.

Living with an alcoholic in the household has a tendency to make the household revolve around the alcoholic, such that everyone else's needs start to suffer. One of the first steps of recovering is to start taking care of yourself, first and foremost. Do things you enjoy - get your hair done, buy the little things you've always wanted, pick up hobbies you had / want to have, join groups with common interests as you, take a class in something that always interested you, talk to friends you've lost contact with - whatever you want to do for yourself and your own sanity, whatever makes you smile.
It seems silly, or selfish, at first - believe me, though, it really and truly does work.

I have decided this summer I am growing roses on my balcony. They're arriving in the mail today, and I'm so excited - I keep refreshing the UPS Tracking Information page, waiting for the status to update as "Delivered".

MyBetterWorld

I don't have anything inparticular to point out, but good for you for recognizing it! And yes, I think you are definitely in the right place! It still affects us to a degree, even after we have seperated from the A......I absolutely still have my days! I just say.....read and post and keep coming back!
M

putmeontheair

Thank you for this post. I am a 09/2010 wedding girl, so the thought of divorcing him already is totally terrifying. Sad but happy to know someone is in the same shoes.

No real advice since I don't have the guts (today) to do what you did. It is coming though. I hope.

Thinking of you.

GettingBy

Hi Oneinamillion and Welcome!

I was right where you are about 6 years ago... Married less than a year, and the drinking got WAY out of control. We separated but I ultimately caved and went back (I believed his promises that things would be better and that he would control his drinking). And honestly, I think he believed them too. 6 years later and two kids in tow... the drinking is raging again, and has brought with it a whole host of new symptoms. And yet, my AH still believes that he has control over his drinking and that it's not a problem.

And maybe for him, it's not. But for me, it is. So I'm now focusing on doing what's best for me.

Al-anon and SR have been a tremendous help to guide me to clearer thinking. To help keep myself focused on me and making decisions that honor me.

Recovery takes time... and there is no finish line... so be patient with yourself!

-Shannon

ONEinaMILLION

Thank you ALL for your posts, it feels really good talking to people who know what I've been through and what I'm still going through.
Starcat, thanks for the tip on "doing something with my life", that is definitely something I have to start doing. I'm gonna give it some thought and try to figure out what I want, cause part of the issue I've been having is that I feel a bit lost and not know what I want...so I should probably start by that. I'm also not sure if I've gone through the whole grieving process. I think I've been wanting to pretend that nothing happens and maybe that is why with time, I feel like I'm doing worse instead of better... :oS
Gettingby, I'm glad you shared your story with me, because that reassures me that I'm making the best decision by not falling for the promises, the begging, etc. I try to tell myself sometimes "don't listen to him, it is his addictive personality speaking, not him". But I have to admit it is hard. I'm sure that as your husband, he also believes his promises, but the thing is, he doesn't realize that he is powerless over the addiction, he keeps thinking he can control it even though it becomes more obvious everyday that he can't. And another thing you said to which I related a lot is that, even if for him his drinking is not an issue, for me it is...so I have to think of myself and what I want for my life, and I know that is definitely not it!
...Putmeontheair...I totally know what you're going through. From what you said, I'm assuming you've been married for 8 months, just like I was. I separated in September so so far I've been separated for the same amount of time I was married, and I can say with total confidence that though this whole separation process hasn't been easy at all, these past eight months have been much better than the eight months my marriage lasted. Maybe I had a lot more "I'm the happiest person in the world" days when I was married (cause some days I felt like that), but I definitely had three times as many days filled with fear, misery, anger, dissapointment... So if you're where I was eight months ago and you decide to take that step, all I can tell you is that the road ahead is tough, but never as tough as the road of living with an addict. Anyway... if you'd like to tell me more about your story, I would love to hear it. It's definitely comforting to know there's someone out there going through the same thing...
THANK YOU ALL!! Hope to hear more from you soon! :o)

StarCat

My XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) was also controlling and abusive.
As a result, I let go of all the things I enjoyed, all the hobbies I used to have, and tried to take on the ones he wanted me to have. Now that he is no longer in the picture, I have been trying to discover who I am, exactly, because I have truly lost myself in the process. It's been frustrating, but also exciting.

Take your time, just rediscover yourself one day and one moment at a time.
Sometimes it feels like it's always Christmas, I just get to unwrap a new wonderful thing about myself that I had forgotten, every single day.


I'm glad you feel welcome here.
This forum has been a lifesaver for me.

fourmaggie

I learned once i changed my attitude...so did he...

dunno just saying...AA and AL ANON do work together...

love my al anon group...would not change it for the world...

zrx1200R

My standard reply:

Run away. Life is too short. It is very unlikely he will have long lasting permanent change.

If you doubt it, search through the posts here and find a success story that started off like yours. And then ends with the alcoholic giving it up forever and living a wonderful life.

I haven't found that one yet.

But I do know some people who have made happy homes together. The secret: Neither one have an alcohol or drug abuse problem. BOTH parties are loving, kind, selfless, and most of all honest. Alcoholics have none of these qualities. And I'm not sure if they can ever truly acquire them all.

sandrawg

There actually are some success stories if you go to the alcoholics' forum. Many alcoholics have actually succeeded in getting off drinking with rehab and/or AA. I know quite a few personally.

This does not mean anyone should stay with an alcoholic, however. I firmly believe the alcoholic has to find their bottom, get help, and be sober for quite some period of time, before they are capable of being in a healthy relationship.

zrx1200R

You have answered a question not asked. Perhaps there are some families with success stories. I've not heard of those. I've not heard any family members with an alcoholic bragging about the success of their alcoholic. Hence my firm position that younglings should run away fast, not look back, and never question their decision. It is the only rational decision.

I have, much like you have posted above, met quite a few SINGLE "recovered" alcoholics. And a few others who have found sobriety and a NEW family.

My position is the alcoholic generally ruins the first family, they have enough of the act, then remove the alcoholic from the family. And finally, after 20+ years of dealing with all his baggage the alcoholic decides the original family was the problem, finds a way to get and stay sober with a different person or family. Sometimes.

I've not read the success post on this forum section devoted to friends and family. I don't visit the alcoholics forum any more than I visit the Prius forum. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drive a Prius. I don't aspire to be one or own the other.

However, I do read a bit more crankiness in this reply than usual. I can not explain. But rather feel relieved to dissipate a wee bit of this pent up frustration. thanks all.

Alone22

I have to agree with ZRX1200R... for all the non married, dating ones.. RUN and don't look back. I know that sounds mean coming from a person married to an AH for 21 years, but more than likely you will be in for a very wild and lonely ride. I would not wish this on anyone and I have what I think is one of the better behaved A's on this board. Chances are better than not that some day you will look back and wish you would have made a different choice if you stay with your A.

LexieCat

Well, my first husband was (and is) a success story--he was a raging alcoholic when we were dating, got sober a year before we married, has been happily sober for 31 years. I know others. (Our divorce had more to do with me than with him.) He is a terrific dad to our boys, and a great husband, both to me and to his now-wife.

So it DOES happen. I think it is the folks who are struggling more who tend to post on these forums. I started posting because I am an alcoholic in recovery, myself, and I miss the Al-Anon interaction I had when I married a second alcoholic (NOT a success story).

I totally relate to the feeling of "losing yourself" in someone else's problems. That happened to me, and I am in the process of making a lot of life changes right now that are both exciting and a little scary.

Keep reading, and posting. Keep going to Al-Anon. Things will become clearer with time.

putmeontheair

What about for the newly married ones without kids? :-)

putmeontheair

One -- yep, married 8 months. We got married at the beginning of September, he quit his job in October. Promised he'd get a new job in November, December, January, February, etc., but he just spiraled into drinking. He went into rehab in February, came out, and has been doing what he needs to do since then (I guess). He does a lot of yardwork ... not much else. He has a part-time job right now but is about to get laid off (it's seasonal) and has 0 prospects at this point. Not walking out and hitting the pavement regarding jobs, not applying to just work at McDonalds, nothing. Very frustrating.

In my head I have a deadline of when I will be done. Was talking to my therapist yesterday though -- it's very hard to walk away from the addiction to the person. I know I love him, but I also know it's an addiction. As an example, I was on a business trip this week, and the longer I was away from the chaos, the more I was ready to walk out the door that minute. Now that I'm back, I see him and the "oh but he's so cute and I love him" and blah blah blah start going back through my head. Very frustrating because I know better.

We talked yesterday and he asked if I'd given up and I pretty much said yes. Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel a little annoyed because I feel like he's given up too, just in a different way. A couple of AA meetings does not a recovering alcoholic make. No sponsor with almost 90 days of sobriety. I'm further into working my steps than he is, etc. Yes, I realize that sounds judgmental.

Yesterday we had a nice normal hour or so of walking to the dog park and hanging out with a few friends ... why can't it always feel like that? It's those bits of normal that make it harder to leave. That and the guilt.

Ugh. Yeah, that's my story. :-) Thanks for letting me share.

ETA: Has your AH become a RAH as of yet? That's one of my struggles too. I look at the label instead of the actions. "But he's recovering ..." yeah right.

Tuffgirl

I have wondered over the last 5 months if marriage was the license to let it all hang out. I mean this because I got married in September and by November he was head first into a bottle of Jack Daniels and it didn't stop. One year rolled by and I couldn't even muster the enthusiasm to get him a 1 year anniversary card. I didn't want to celebrate the longest and most confusing year of my life. 4 months later I moved out. 5 months later I am finally letting go. Oh yeah - he is in AA, but working the steps? I don't see it sinking in yet. I don't see him letting go of the ego yet. I don't see any humility; a whole lot of humiliation yes, but no humility. I have finally accepted there is no room in this marriage for me with his ego in the way.

But to truly let go, I need to get out of the marriage mindset. That has been my struggle. "But we're married!" No, we're not really married. What we have is a piece of paper that binds us legally together. That's all. There was never a marriage in any definition of the term. It never had a chance to get started. The addiction was the priority, not the marriage.

How easily we get sucked back in by a few nice moments. Those are fleeting - and yet like a drug we are hooked again. My RAH helped me move my furniture into my new house. He was here everyday, setting up technology, making some small repairs with me, all the while saying he is "working on doing the next right thing". In the last 2 weeks, nothing. Now he's back to anger and blame. I asked him what is the next right thing to do for his family? He had no answer.

What is the next right thing for you? That is the more appropriate question I need to be asking myself.

What is the next right thing for you, Oneinamillion?

zrx1200R

Run faster. Before their are kids. I see absolutely no reason to stay in a marriage to an alcoholic when no kids are in the mix. None.

zrx1200R

Another example of how they seem to need to move on without us. It is part of the plan, I think.