New and looking for advice!!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R 
Run faster. Before their are kids. I see absolutely no reason to stay in a marriage to an alcoholic when no kids are in the mix. None.
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Location: minneapolis, mn
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Welcome to SoberRecovery.
It takes time to sort these things out, and to become really ready to move on with a life without someone we thought would be there with us.
You're stuck because you're not quite ready to really move on.
It took me quite a long time, and part of the reason was because I heard a lot of statements about wanting to be a better person, to stay clean and sober, etc. I was very, very patient. You think your husband's lines are ********. I didn't think mine were, and I think a part of him believed it too.
You already know you're getting the B.S. -- you're ahead of the game.
Remove yourself and start acting like you're moving ahead. You can always change your mind a year down the road when he actually HAS been sober for that long. If he isn't, it doesn't matter if angels fly out his arse. He's not sober.
It takes time to sort these things out, and to become really ready to move on with a life without someone we thought would be there with us.
You're stuck because you're not quite ready to really move on.
It took me quite a long time, and part of the reason was because I heard a lot of statements about wanting to be a better person, to stay clean and sober, etc. I was very, very patient. You think your husband's lines are ********. I didn't think mine were, and I think a part of him believed it too.
You already know you're getting the B.S. -- you're ahead of the game.
Remove yourself and start acting like you're moving ahead. You can always change your mind a year down the road when he actually HAS been sober for that long. If he isn't, it doesn't matter if angels fly out his arse. He's not sober.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You're understandably cranky. You're with an alcoholic. I certainly don't take the terseness of your reply personally.
Being with my exabf made me miserable, angry, depressed, frustrated, lonely...everything negative you can imagine. There's peace once you detach.
You're not really getting my message, which I can understand would sound confusing because, on the one hand, I am SO HAPPY my exabf and I broke up. He was an albatross around my neck, as is ANY alcoholic in a relationship. I agree with you there. there is nothing to be gained by staying with an alcoholic but misery.
HOWEVER. You seemed to coat all alcoholic relationshps with a broad brush like alcoholics never find any meaningful lasting sobriety, or are ever able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
A friend of mine stayed with my exabf's worst drinking buddy through all the craziness. One day he decided to get help for his drinking. He's been in AA, and she's been in al-anon, for almost a year now. They are doing well. I'm not saying their relationship is perfect, but he is a totally different person than he was when he was drinking. He's sane, intelligent, cogent, caring, giving, loving..he goes to AA religiously. He's actively working a program and so is she. I think that's what it takes, to be in a rel'ship with someone in recovery. As long as both parties are doing the work, it's feasible.
Being with my exabf made me miserable, angry, depressed, frustrated, lonely...everything negative you can imagine. There's peace once you detach.
You're not really getting my message, which I can understand would sound confusing because, on the one hand, I am SO HAPPY my exabf and I broke up. He was an albatross around my neck, as is ANY alcoholic in a relationship. I agree with you there. there is nothing to be gained by staying with an alcoholic but misery.
HOWEVER. You seemed to coat all alcoholic relationshps with a broad brush like alcoholics never find any meaningful lasting sobriety, or are ever able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
A friend of mine stayed with my exabf's worst drinking buddy through all the craziness. One day he decided to get help for his drinking. He's been in AA, and she's been in al-anon, for almost a year now. They are doing well. I'm not saying their relationship is perfect, but he is a totally different person than he was when he was drinking. He's sane, intelligent, cogent, caring, giving, loving..he goes to AA religiously. He's actively working a program and so is she. I think that's what it takes, to be in a rel'ship with someone in recovery. As long as both parties are doing the work, it's feasible.
Originally Posted by zrx1200R
You have answered a question not asked. Perhaps there are some families with success stories. I've not heard of those. I've not heard any family members with an alcoholic bragging about the success of their alcoholic. Hence my firm position that younglings should run away fast, not look back, and never question their decision. It is the only rational decision.
I have, much like you have posted above, met quite a few SINGLE "recovered" alcoholics. And a few others who have found sobriety and a NEW family.
My position is the alcoholic generally ruins the first family, they have enough of the act, then remove the alcoholic from the family. And finally, after 20+ years of dealing with all his baggage the alcoholic decides the original family was the problem, finds a way to get and stay sober with a different person or family. Sometimes.
I've not read the success post on this forum section devoted to friends and family. I don't visit the alcoholics forum any more than I visit the Prius forum. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drive a Prius. I don't aspire to be one or own the other.
However, I do read a bit more crankiness in this reply than usual. I can not explain. But rather feel relieved to dissipate a wee bit of this pent up frustration. thanks all.
I have, much like you have posted above, met quite a few SINGLE "recovered" alcoholics. And a few others who have found sobriety and a NEW family.
My position is the alcoholic generally ruins the first family, they have enough of the act, then remove the alcoholic from the family. And finally, after 20+ years of dealing with all his baggage the alcoholic decides the original family was the problem, finds a way to get and stay sober with a different person or family. Sometimes.
I've not read the success post on this forum section devoted to friends and family. I don't visit the alcoholics forum any more than I visit the Prius forum. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drive a Prius. I don't aspire to be one or own the other.
However, I do read a bit more crankiness in this reply than usual. I can not explain. But rather feel relieved to dissipate a wee bit of this pent up frustration. thanks all.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Yes, and from my experience of knowing 3-4 recovering alcoholics in my life, do you know why this is? Because usually the alcoholic has caused so much damage with the first wife, that even if and when he gets sober, she can't be with him. The trust has been destroyed.
A friend fo mine who's been sober and in AA for 6 yrs now, lost his marriage, and it was the divorce that led to him reaching his bottom. Sadly, he wanted to try to wokr things out with his wife, but she couldn't trust him anymore. He had to move on. He has partial custody of his kids and is an excellent father, and just an upstanding person in general-one of the best, salt of the earth, amazing people I know. I feel bad he lost his marriage, but hey..consequences. He accepts it and just works his program and does what he has to do.
A friend fo mine who's been sober and in AA for 6 yrs now, lost his marriage, and it was the divorce that led to him reaching his bottom. Sadly, he wanted to try to wokr things out with his wife, but she couldn't trust him anymore. He had to move on. He has partial custody of his kids and is an excellent father, and just an upstanding person in general-one of the best, salt of the earth, amazing people I know. I feel bad he lost his marriage, but hey..consequences. He accepts it and just works his program and does what he has to do.
Originally Posted by zrx1200R
Another example of how they seem to need to move on without us. It is part of the plan, I think.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
As long as both parties are doing the work, it's feasible.
So few alcoholics find sobriety, sadly.
Those that do, and work a good program, are some of the happiest, most stable people I know. (Imagine that! What a life-changing difference!)
The person who helped me decide to attend Al-Anon and dig myself out of that mess and into recovery is an RA. So is his wife. She actually started drinking after she gave up trying to get him stop. She got sober "shortly" after he did - I am not sure how long it took, all he'll say is "not too long," but he'll also talk about how difficult it was to stay sober around her when she was active, and how he leaned on his sponsor a lot, who was helping him build up the courage to leave her if it started to threaten his sobriety.
Finally, he bribed her into attending an AA meeting with the promise to drop her off at her favorite bar on the way home if she didn't like AA, but the agreement that she would have to find a new place to live if that was the case. She hated the AA meeting, but was jealous of the conversation and attitude he was sharing with their AA neighbor in their car riding home together after the meeting, so she never drank again.
I'm sure it was a lot more difficult than that story makes it sound, but nonetheless it worked. I met her, too, and I'll tell you what, that pair is so happy together than can rival the sun for sunshine.
Sometimes people stay together. Sometimes it works out for the best.
In their case, though, neither one drank when they first got married, so I'm sure that helped - at least they knew the "real" identity of the other, whereas when getting involved with an active alcoholic, there's a very good chance that you won't be able to recognize the true, sober version, should the alcoholic/addict ever achieve that point.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Posts: 380
Well, I think we are saying the same thing essentially.
yes, some do find recovery. But of those few who do, very few find long term recovery with the family they abused. I've simply not seen or heard of it.
Call me in 5 years and see if your couple friend is still together. I'm a cynic for sure. I say they won't be.
Bravo to those who can recover. Mine seems unable to get there.
yes, some do find recovery. But of those few who do, very few find long term recovery with the family they abused. I've simply not seen or heard of it.
Call me in 5 years and see if your couple friend is still together. I'm a cynic for sure. I say they won't be.
Bravo to those who can recover. Mine seems unable to get there.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R
Another example of how they seem to need to move on without us. It is part of the plan, I think.
I hate to break it to you, but some people really DO recover. I can't say a bad thing about the guy (well, personality quirks sometimes got under my skin, but nothing objectively bad). I knew a lot of people in AA that I greatly admired, way before I joined the ranks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
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So good to see so many replies!!
I have to say I agree 100% with those whose advice is "run as fast as you can". I should've ran from my relationship when I saw my ex smoking pot for the first time. But no, I decided to stick to the relationship because "half of it" was worth fighting for...but didn't realize that the other half was stronger and was going to end up draining me. I know that feeling that putmeontheair talks about. That feeling of wanting to leave one day and wanting to stay the next. it never ends. Don't know if it is a common characteristics among alcoholics, but mine has the ability to take you from heaven to hell in 60 seconds, and back to heaven the next day, and back to hell two days after that. And that emotional rollercoaster never ends. And it drains you...
Now, I went to a counselor specialized in addictions when I first separated and she told me something that got stuck in my mind and I remember it everyday. She said the hardest addiction to treat is actually the addictive relationship. Why? Because people chase each other... if you decide to close the bottle the bottle doesn't open itself up and serves you a drink and tell you "drink me, this time I wont hurt you". The addict does. He goes after you, makes promises, begs, acts as if he had already changed.... etc. So it is really hard not to fall for the relationship again when you have someone who you love or loved so much promising you that this time things will be different, especially when you want to believe it. That's what makes it so hard to stay away and to move on. That is why I keep telling myself that is not him talking but his addictive personality. It is the bottle calling for me and asking me to have one more drink. I won't cause I've opened that bottle many times and have always resulted in the same thing. But even though I'm so sure I won't open the bottle again (I wont get back w my ex), why can't I seem to throw the bottle in the garbage for good?? Why can't I let go of him, why does it freak me out to know that the day will come in which he won't chase me anymore?
I have to say I agree 100% with those whose advice is "run as fast as you can". I should've ran from my relationship when I saw my ex smoking pot for the first time. But no, I decided to stick to the relationship because "half of it" was worth fighting for...but didn't realize that the other half was stronger and was going to end up draining me. I know that feeling that putmeontheair talks about. That feeling of wanting to leave one day and wanting to stay the next. it never ends. Don't know if it is a common characteristics among alcoholics, but mine has the ability to take you from heaven to hell in 60 seconds, and back to heaven the next day, and back to hell two days after that. And that emotional rollercoaster never ends. And it drains you...
Now, I went to a counselor specialized in addictions when I first separated and she told me something that got stuck in my mind and I remember it everyday. She said the hardest addiction to treat is actually the addictive relationship. Why? Because people chase each other... if you decide to close the bottle the bottle doesn't open itself up and serves you a drink and tell you "drink me, this time I wont hurt you". The addict does. He goes after you, makes promises, begs, acts as if he had already changed.... etc. So it is really hard not to fall for the relationship again when you have someone who you love or loved so much promising you that this time things will be different, especially when you want to believe it. That's what makes it so hard to stay away and to move on. That is why I keep telling myself that is not him talking but his addictive personality. It is the bottle calling for me and asking me to have one more drink. I won't cause I've opened that bottle many times and have always resulted in the same thing. But even though I'm so sure I won't open the bottle again (I wont get back w my ex), why can't I seem to throw the bottle in the garbage for good?? Why can't I let go of him, why does it freak me out to know that the day will come in which he won't chase me anymore?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by zrx1200R
Call me in 5 years and see if your couple friend is still together. I'm a cynic for sure. I say they won't be.
I'd say the odds are good they can squeeze in another five.
ONEinaMILLION, I was listening to Sara Evans' "What That One Drink Cost Me" the other day, and I think she sums it up perfectly in the first half of her refrain.
And I lost a good man
To a bad habit
He didn't love the whiskey
He just had to have it
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Ok, I'm confused. I'm missing something no doubt.
you were married to Husband Uno.
There was a drinking problem in the marriage.
I understand Uno had the drinking problem
You 2 split up
Now he is a good dude.
I suppose it is not really important that I have the details. But this statistical anomaly is messing with my whole hypothesis here but I'm not sure how.
you were married to Husband Uno.
There was a drinking problem in the marriage.
I understand Uno had the drinking problem
You 2 split up
Now he is a good dude.
I suppose it is not really important that I have the details. But this statistical anomaly is messing with my whole hypothesis here but I'm not sure how.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by zrx1200R
Ok, I'm confused. I'm missing something no doubt.
you were married to Husband Uno.
There was a drinking problem in the marriage.
I understand Uno had the drinking problem
You 2 split up
Now he is a good dude.
I suppose it is not really important that I have the details. But this statistical anomaly is messing with my whole hypothesis here but I'm not sure how.
you were married to Husband Uno.
There was a drinking problem in the marriage.
I understand Uno had the drinking problem
You 2 split up
Now he is a good dude.
I suppose it is not really important that I have the details. But this statistical anomaly is messing with my whole hypothesis here but I'm not sure how.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Ah, I see it now. Sometimes what is so clear to the writer is lost by the reader. It happens.
Hopefully we can agree the success stories are few and far between. And it sounds like he was one of the few. Bravo to him. I'll attempt to remember and not write in absolutes. No promises though.
Hopefully we can agree the success stories are few and far between. And it sounds like he was one of the few. Bravo to him. I'll attempt to remember and not write in absolutes. No promises though.
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