GettingBy

My AH is going to drag his feet on this whole divorce (reason No. 1 why picking up his attorney fees is a REALLY bad idea!). He came to me last night and said, (and I QUOTE!!)...

"My attorney wanted me to have my statement of net worth done by tomorrow but I don't know any of that information. You completed one for your attorney, so can I just get a copy of yours?"

Um.... seriously? Mine is a statement of MY net worth... not his. But, like everything in our lives over the past 10 years... he can't be responsible for one single GD thing.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING... gets dumped on Shannon. And yet he wonders why I would rather be single over being married to him. Uh, I give and give and give in this marriage... and get nothing but GRIEF back... so, if I can cut my to-do list in half (by lopping off a dead limb!), that's more time and energy for ME, and the things I want.


Yup... sounds like I'm on the right track with a divorce.

LaTeeDa

So, basically, he doesn't want the divorce, is mad at you for initiating it, wants to punish you for it, but expects you to help him with his homework?

Hahahahahaha. Sounds soooooooo familiar.

L

Seren

My xH wanted me to do his tax return for him AFTER the divorce was final!

What a maroon!!!

GettingBy

Yeah, I imagine he'll want me to do his laundry and taxes after the divorce too!!!

He doesn't want to have any input or responsibility for anything in our life, but then complains that I am "too controlling"!!!

And god forbid I say a word about anything that bothers me... because then I'm trying to CHANGE HIM.


As for an update on me... I've been running some numbers... with the child support that he will have to pay (as obligated by law) and my income from the business... I should have enough income to qualify for my own loan to keep the house we are in! I have to meet with my bank and see what they think... but it seems doable to me. I will have as much income as we had combined when we originally bought the house! I didn't think I would be able to afford it before because I was wayyy underestimating how much money he would have to pay me....

the only thing that is nagging at me....

is what if he does something to screw me out of the child support (ie. he decides to take a "pay cut" - well within the realm of possibilities as he owns his own business). In that case, my income would be cut... then what would I do?

Well, I have options... I could work that much harder on my business and earn the money I needed (very possible, though might be extra stressful, on top of everything else!)... or I could go get a job at an engineering firm and make all the money I need and then some (plus I'd get health insurance benefits!). I'd prefer to keep my business, but I could put it on "ice" if I need to.

Either way... I think I would like to try as hard as I can to keep the house... it is the kids home, and having them stay here would minimize the disruption to their lives.

barb dwyer

don't go off into 'what if' land ... stay here with us!

'if' something happens (or doesn't) there will be a step to take.

right here and now - you got your 'net'!

You're going to feel so LIGHTENED you'll have to tie rocks to your feet!

PurpleWilder

Meh - during my divorce my XH forced me to go with him to look at possible apartments for him to live in after he left.....dumbass.

He tried to tell me it had to do with us both agreeing on one that was good for the kids, but from his attitude it was clearly a "all your fault so you take care of it" thing.

GettingBy

A small price to pay for serenity, I think!!

I will probably end up helping AH set up a new home/apartment too... purely for the sake of getting a safe and comfortable place for the kids when they are there.

GettingBy

I know I should avoid the "what ifs"... but finances are a big hot button for me. I like to have emergency plans in place so that I don't get into too big of trouble!


I am already feeling so enlightened I was just sitting here developing a new business plan on how I can make more income without over-burdening myself. I have not gotten my WBE (women's business enterprise) certification yet... and all the local "big" firms have been asking me to do so b/c all of their contracts have WBE requirements (10% must get spent on WBE contracts!)... untapped money/work for me at higher margins that what I do now!! Just gotta get the application finished (started a year ago, and then put off b/c of stress and life). Plus, I think I may consider raising my hourly rate... I've been told I'm too "inexpensive" (well, some have said CHEAP!).


I'm going to be okay... heck, I'm going to be more than okay. I'm going to be great!!

LaTeeDa

Just some things you might want to throw in the mix when it comes to deciding about the house. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, there are some things I did that I'm happy I did, and some things I might do differently if I could go back.

I sold the house we shared. This, I'm happy about. Too many ghosts and unhappy memories there.

I bought a bigger, nicer house. This, I wouldn't do if I could do it over. While I can afford my mortgage, it is expensive enough to limit my options financially. (For example, if I want to retire or cut back the amount I work, I will have to sell the house.) This didn't seem like such a big deal 6 years ago, but now that my kids are older and the empty nest is within sight, it matters. We could have easily lived in a smaller, less expensive house. As it is, I have 2500 sq. ft., a huge yard, and two children who won't be living there in a few more years.

Downsizing will be more difficult than I thought because the house is now worth approx. 100K less than when I bought it. So, when I sell, I'm looking at little if any equity to reinvest. I'm lucky that I didn't get in way over my head, like many people did during the housing boom, but even so, I will basically be starting from scratch if housing prices don't rebound.

I know you will make the best decision for you and the kids, based on the information you have to make it, which is exactly what I did at the time. Just wanted to throw out some lessons learned from my experience.

L

nowinsituation

The child support won't necessarily change if he "takes a pay cut". I know of people who have lost their jobs, but their court-ordered child support did not change. Check with your state, but in some cases an income change can result in a change in child support only after a period of 3-6? months, and only if it is expected to be long-term.

But, on the other hand, actually getting the money may be an issue. The courts will enforce it; but he may fall behind? In that case would be able to meet your obligations? Would that cause you additional stress?

LaTeeDa

Yes, I wanted to mention that, too. It seems like depending on him for a necessary part of your income is a recipe for frustration and disappointment. If it were me, I would lean toward planning a future based solely on my own income, and take whatever he pays as a bonus.

L

nowinsituation

Oh, and my ex..... I paid ALL his expenses for over a year after we separated. Paid his attorney fees.... Gave him the house, and let him keep his pension..... and I still have to pay him alimony.... UGH! If you look up pitiful and helpless in the dictionary you will see his picture, LOL. But, I accepted that as the price of freedom; and I am way better off financially now than he is. Go figure!

ONEinaMILLION

Hi, I'm new to this site. I saw this forum and thought maybe I've landed in the right place (I hope I have!)
I separated from my ex after being married for only 8 months (no kids, thank God). Ever since we started dating (we dated for over 3 yrs) I kind of knew he had drinking issues but always thought it "wasn't that bad" or that my prayers and my love and support would eventually make him "control" his drinking habits. Well... once we got married I realized it WAS THAT BAD! His behavior at home freaked me out, he was constantly drinking, sometimes he would pass out in the couch until the next day, he would drink behind my back, bla bla bla...
So I separated eight months ago now, but haven't gotten a divorce and he keeps making promises, saying he is doing better now, begging me to come back...but I know it is all ********. This happened before (all the begging and promising) when we were going out and I did get back together with him, just to find out that nothing had changed... so this time I'm positive I'm not going back, but I don't seem to have the guts to kick him out of my life for good. I'm kind of desperate...I thought by this time I would have moved on with my life, but I seem to be stucked here full of resentment, pain, regrets, etc. Any advice?

Buffalo66

My RAH keeps trying to get me to do his side of the communicating with the CHild Support court.

he feels, Indignantly, that I am wrong for involving the law, it was my intiation, and that it should not be his problem.

HIs employers had incorrectly sent his payments in, and he was not being credited for it for two months, which means they took his money out, but the state did not get it, and neither did I.

When I called the CS office, they told me they had no record of his payments, and that if he was sure they had taken his money out of his pay, that HE waould have to call, and tell THEM that himself, then they would contact the employer and investigate.

HE wanted me to do it. HE just could not seem to hear the part about how they will not take an action on HIS behalf unless he asked them to. Not to mention, I said,"Its not my work to do. Its yours."

Eventually it got done, but if not pushed and inconvienienced by my constant reminders to do it, he would not have.

Teenager.

Ponder

I seriously so agree with this. My opinion is to base your income on just what you make period,and think of anything you get from your future ex as a possible "bonus." Because how dependable has he been in the past?

StarCat

I have seen some people on this forum plan to put away any child support into a college fund. This way it goes to good use, but it's not life-or-death whether he actually pays it (or pays it on time!) or not.

GettingBy

I guess in that sense... I'm very lucky. My AH makes extremelly good money and has been reliable with finances. He doesn't go hog crazy with the spending... though, once I'm out of the picture who knows what will happen. That all being said, he has stated (and I believe him) that he will do whatever he has to to support the kids.

I think that's why I wanted to evaluate the "what if" situation... because I wanted to be prepared to do what I needed to do to pay the entire shot. I know that I can do it, easily, but it would mean some changes on my career situation (and not necessarily bad ones).


I would like to happily report... I'm in the process of checking one more thing off of my "separate from AH" list!!! We joint own my car (bought it back when I wasn't working alot and couldn't get my own loan)... and it needs to be resolved! I applied for a loan for a new "just for me!" car (picked out a spiffy used car!) and got approved! I'm going to head to the dealer this afternoon to discuss trade-in/etc. The current car is worth just about what we owe so I won't need to pay AH any money for it!

I'm so freakin' excited to get away from him!!

GettingBy

I agree with that Anvilhead, I really do. And in that regard, I have compassion for my AH... up until he twists the situation around and accuses me of "controlling him." I'm not managing all our finances because I want to control him... I'm doing it because if I don't... no one will.

That's one of the biggest downfalls of our marriage... he doesn't want responsibility for anything (it confuses him, he doesn't like to pay bills, blah-blah-blah)... but it ALWAYS (and I hate to use words like always and never)... but it ALWAYS gets thrown in my face. He accuses me of not letting him spend HIS money. Truth be told - he gets to spend willy-nilly. He is an avid hunter and spends more money than you can imagine EVERY year on new guns, gear, trips, etc. And I have not, in the past 4-5 years, said ONE WORD about it. He works hard, he earned the money... we have it... so why should I complain? I don't. Yet, he STILL accuses me of controlling him... most of which, I am certain, comes from the early days of our marriage when I did try to control him because we didn't have large incomes, and he was spending more than we had.

I love him tremendously... but we really don't belong together. We make a very lousy couple.

lillamy

Oh GOD, I love you people. You make me feel sane.
(Meaning sometimes I think I'm nuts until I hear you guys having gone through the same dang song and dance with your As)

GettingBy

LTD - I have flip-flopped on the house quite a bit lately. The house we have now is probably like the house you have now. 2,700 sf... more than I would need for myself. If we sold it, I'd buy something smaller 1,800-2,200 sf range with a much smaller mortgage. On the flip side, this is my children's current home, I have my office here and exactly the way I want... and it's a price range of house that would most likely take a while to sell in this market.

So, if we list it to sell it - we have to keep living together indefinetely, we take a hit b/c of the listing agent fees (not really a big deal, but something to consider), the chaos of relocating myself, the kids, and a business... and oh, did I mention... we have to keep living together.

The cons against selling it... the kids really like it here, we have AMAZING neighbors next to us.... I dread the thought of moving the kids away from their friends.

So, I could afford it and buying it from "us" would help avoid the long drawn out issue of selling it and continuing to live with AH, and keeps me, the kids and the business put.

The cons against keeping it... it is a bigger mortgage than I would otherwise have and there are a few neighbors that are AH's buddies (annoying, but not a deal breaker). We've only been in the house <2 years so the memories are pretty limited and there aren't too many "ghosts". I'm sure it might be strange at first to live here without AH ... but time would heal that wound.


On a side note, I'm grateful to have this place to talk these things through. I have such a hard time with some of my real-world "friends and family"... because they come from a position that's contradictory to my recovery.