Same old, same old....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
I agree with that Anvilhead, I really do. And in that regard, I have compassion for my AH... up until he twists the situation around and accuses me of "controlling him." I'm not managing all our finances because I want to control him... I'm doing it because if I don't... no one will.
That's one of the biggest downfalls of our marriage... he doesn't want responsibility for anything (it confuses him, he doesn't like to pay bills, blah-blah-blah)... but it ALWAYS (and I hate to use words like always and never)... but it ALWAYS gets thrown in my face. He accuses me of not letting him spend HIS money. Truth be told - he gets to spend willy-nilly. He is an avid hunter and spends more money than you can imagine EVERY year on new guns, gear, trips, etc. .
That's one of the biggest downfalls of our marriage... he doesn't want responsibility for anything (it confuses him, he doesn't like to pay bills, blah-blah-blah)... but it ALWAYS (and I hate to use words like always and never)... but it ALWAYS gets thrown in my face. He accuses me of not letting him spend HIS money. Truth be told - he gets to spend willy-nilly. He is an avid hunter and spends more money than you can imagine EVERY year on new guns, gear, trips, etc. .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
So, I just went through the whole child support thing. In the paperwork (wisconsin) it stated, clearly, that the payor was not to quit a job unless it was for one that earned MORE money. I believe, if they try to do that, they can be held in contempt and get into some trouble. I also believe though, that you would have to keep the court up to date on that information.
I for one, don't expect to receive a dime. But I will let the court handle that.
M
I for one, don't expect to receive a dime. But I will let the court handle that.
M
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Kids adjust far easier than we give them credit for.
Trust me. I am a military brat and my kids have also moved around a bit and we're all doing fine. I actually think I am far more independent and can handle transitions and evolutions as well as I can because change was a constant in my life from the beginning.
My humble suggestion would be to plan for what you can afford today, on only your salary. CS is never a guarantee. Future planning is never a guarantee.
Trust me. I am a military brat and my kids have also moved around a bit and we're all doing fine. I actually think I am far more independent and can handle transitions and evolutions as well as I can because change was a constant in my life from the beginning.
My humble suggestion would be to plan for what you can afford today, on only your salary. CS is never a guarantee. Future planning is never a guarantee.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
WOW...We must be sharing the same hormones today...
"Sister's in Hormones"
Here are my thoughts & my experiance from a past divorce with kids...
#1 - My x husband, the father of my kids, omg..we fought like crazy over child
support, visting hours, holidays. He wasnt even a drinker! Swore he wanted
the best for the kids. He didnt want to pay child support. He said he would
even buy them food, he got right down to the nitty gritty of promises..
So, I allowed lower child support, because he said he was going to have them
everyother weekend, every Wednesday, spilt holidays, would help pay for
medical, clothing, school stuff.
And he did, for the first 3 months..UNTIL THE OTHER LADY came out her closet...
Then it was all what SHE SAID...He has no balls & she was the ring leader.
So guess, who suffered....The kids
So guess, who worked their ass off, trying to make up the difference that
their dad promised to do...ME...Not him or her
They get a little peice of poontang..and their head/brains is now in their pants!!!
Ask around....ALOT of them do that...
SCHOOL..is a major word in divorce papers!!!!!!!!!!!!
Make sure your lawyer specifys what school is...Elementary, Middle, High School or College...When it effects the money, that he is to pay or help with and even Taxes.
My X had a great lawyer, didnt miss nothing...except he used the word SCHOOL.
Instead of the word "College"...Which was good for me, he had to pay child support
until the kids were in 18 years old & in school....My son started college when he was 17, so it was still considered "school". So I got child support for his 1st year of college/school....To say the least he was not happy about the word school!!!
Plus..when your kids get in high school sports..Its not cheap!!
They have locker fees, parking fees, fashion clothes, book rentals, dual college credits,
sport clothing, trips... And guess, who they always ask for money? Mom or Dad..
If Dad, gets that poontang, he will say I dont have no money, you will need to ask your mom...There ya go, back to working double time to make sure your kids get it, and trying to work off the guilt of divorcing him and taking this away from your kids.
(That is what I did, big time)...
So dont let a A pull the wool over your eyes...His mind is sick/pickled. Yours is not!
Do what is best for the kids today and tomorrow...
If its not the bottle today, it will be his poontang tomorrow...
#2 - Moving from the house with the kids. I worked for a home builder at the time.
Custom designed my own home, outstanding speciality marble counter tops, river rock fireplace, had the perfect 5 acres, horse barn & corals, little ducks & bunnies.
Even planted that special tree, hoping that when the kids got older, they would
have a tree to swing from.
--- I remember standing in the driveway, and he yelled at me "What about the house?"
I yelled back..."Without a family, it is only a house, NOT A HOME..Nothing more than a big pile of lumber"
------ We sold it, I cried, but bought myself & the kids a 1100 sq' home. It was MINE,
the kids loved it. We were at peace. My son was about 8 years old, and he helped me fix a leaky sink. It was quiet the chore, we had water spraying all over the kitchen. And we still laugh about it today...A year later, I met my AH, and moved into another
one of those big freaking fancy house's....Guess, where I am today????
Cant wait to find ME another 1100 sq' HOME!!!
I hope I made since on all of this, Im typing as fast as Im thinking...lol
And I hope I was not too blunt.
I did not sugar coat it..
Just shared my thoughts & experiances from the past..........
"Sister's in Hormones"
Here are my thoughts & my experiance from a past divorce with kids...
#1 - My x husband, the father of my kids, omg..we fought like crazy over child
support, visting hours, holidays. He wasnt even a drinker! Swore he wanted
the best for the kids. He didnt want to pay child support. He said he would
even buy them food, he got right down to the nitty gritty of promises..
So, I allowed lower child support, because he said he was going to have them
everyother weekend, every Wednesday, spilt holidays, would help pay for
medical, clothing, school stuff.
And he did, for the first 3 months..UNTIL THE OTHER LADY came out her closet...
Then it was all what SHE SAID...He has no balls & she was the ring leader.
So guess, who suffered....The kids
So guess, who worked their ass off, trying to make up the difference that
their dad promised to do...ME...Not him or her
They get a little peice of poontang..and their head/brains is now in their pants!!!
Ask around....ALOT of them do that...
SCHOOL..is a major word in divorce papers!!!!!!!!!!!!
Make sure your lawyer specifys what school is...Elementary, Middle, High School or College...When it effects the money, that he is to pay or help with and even Taxes.
My X had a great lawyer, didnt miss nothing...except he used the word SCHOOL.
Instead of the word "College"...Which was good for me, he had to pay child support
until the kids were in 18 years old & in school....My son started college when he was 17, so it was still considered "school". So I got child support for his 1st year of college/school....To say the least he was not happy about the word school!!!
Plus..when your kids get in high school sports..Its not cheap!!
They have locker fees, parking fees, fashion clothes, book rentals, dual college credits,
sport clothing, trips... And guess, who they always ask for money? Mom or Dad..
If Dad, gets that poontang, he will say I dont have no money, you will need to ask your mom...There ya go, back to working double time to make sure your kids get it, and trying to work off the guilt of divorcing him and taking this away from your kids.
(That is what I did, big time)...
So dont let a A pull the wool over your eyes...His mind is sick/pickled. Yours is not!
Do what is best for the kids today and tomorrow...
If its not the bottle today, it will be his poontang tomorrow...
#2 - Moving from the house with the kids. I worked for a home builder at the time.
Custom designed my own home, outstanding speciality marble counter tops, river rock fireplace, had the perfect 5 acres, horse barn & corals, little ducks & bunnies.
Even planted that special tree, hoping that when the kids got older, they would
have a tree to swing from.
--- I remember standing in the driveway, and he yelled at me "What about the house?"
I yelled back..."Without a family, it is only a house, NOT A HOME..Nothing more than a big pile of lumber"
------ We sold it, I cried, but bought myself & the kids a 1100 sq' home. It was MINE,
the kids loved it. We were at peace. My son was about 8 years old, and he helped me fix a leaky sink. It was quiet the chore, we had water spraying all over the kitchen. And we still laugh about it today...A year later, I met my AH, and moved into another
one of those big freaking fancy house's....Guess, where I am today????
Cant wait to find ME another 1100 sq' HOME!!!
I hope I made since on all of this, Im typing as fast as Im thinking...lol
And I hope I was not too blunt.
I did not sugar coat it..
Just shared my thoughts & experiances from the past..........
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Isn't it so amazing how much they lack any sense of rationality or understanding of OUR feelings?
They are so illogical. Sorry, you treat your partner like cr*p, she's gonna wanna leave you.
Funny thing with my exabf-he got so angry when I questioned whether or not he ever really loved me. Yet he went from "I love you so much and always will" in an email in mid-February, to a long final email about "I loveD you, I really did, but I can't do this anymore."
Really? You basically went from loving me to not loving me in 2 months, yet you can't understand why I'm wondering if you ever really loved me in the first place?? They are NUTSO.
[QUOTE=GettingBy;2966562
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING... gets dumped on Shannon. And yet he wonders why I would rather be single over being married to him. [/QUOTE]
They are so illogical. Sorry, you treat your partner like cr*p, she's gonna wanna leave you.
Funny thing with my exabf-he got so angry when I questioned whether or not he ever really loved me. Yet he went from "I love you so much and always will" in an email in mid-February, to a long final email about "I loveD you, I really did, but I can't do this anymore."
Really? You basically went from loving me to not loving me in 2 months, yet you can't understand why I'm wondering if you ever really loved me in the first place?? They are NUTSO.
[QUOTE=GettingBy;2966562
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING... gets dumped on Shannon. And yet he wonders why I would rather be single over being married to him. [/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Honey, I would say, with an active alcoholic, ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN B.
Do not count on them being responsible, trustworthy, productive members of society. Esp since alcohoism is progressive.
Do not count on them being responsible, trustworthy, productive members of society. Esp since alcohoism is progressive.
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Yeah, I imagine he'll want me to do his laundry and taxes after the divorce too!!!
He doesn't want to have any input or responsibility for anything in our life, but then complains that I am "too controlling"!!!
And god forbid I say a word about anything that bothers me... because then I'm trying to CHANGE HIM.
As for an update on me... I've been running some numbers... with the child support that he will have to pay (as obligated by law) and my income from the business... I should have enough income to qualify for my own loan to keep the house we are in! I have to meet with my bank and see what they think... but it seems doable to me. I will have as much income as we had combined when we originally bought the house! I didn't think I would be able to afford it before because I was wayyy underestimating how much money he would have to pay me....
the only thing that is nagging at me....
is what if he does something to screw me out of the child support (ie. he decides to take a "pay cut" - well within the realm of possibilities as he owns his own business). In that case, my income would be cut... then what would I do?
Well, I have options... I could work that much harder on my business and earn the money I needed (very possible, though might be extra stressful, on top of everything else!)... or I could go get a job at an engineering firm and make all the money I need and then some (plus I'd get health insurance benefits!). I'd prefer to keep my business, but I could put it on "ice" if I need to.
Either way... I think I would like to try as hard as I can to keep the house... it is the kids home, and having them stay here would minimize the disruption to their lives.
He doesn't want to have any input or responsibility for anything in our life, but then complains that I am "too controlling"!!!
And god forbid I say a word about anything that bothers me... because then I'm trying to CHANGE HIM.
As for an update on me... I've been running some numbers... with the child support that he will have to pay (as obligated by law) and my income from the business... I should have enough income to qualify for my own loan to keep the house we are in! I have to meet with my bank and see what they think... but it seems doable to me. I will have as much income as we had combined when we originally bought the house! I didn't think I would be able to afford it before because I was wayyy underestimating how much money he would have to pay me....
the only thing that is nagging at me....
is what if he does something to screw me out of the child support (ie. he decides to take a "pay cut" - well within the realm of possibilities as he owns his own business). In that case, my income would be cut... then what would I do?
Well, I have options... I could work that much harder on my business and earn the money I needed (very possible, though might be extra stressful, on top of everything else!)... or I could go get a job at an engineering firm and make all the money I need and then some (plus I'd get health insurance benefits!). I'd prefer to keep my business, but I could put it on "ice" if I need to.
Either way... I think I would like to try as hard as I can to keep the house... it is the kids home, and having them stay here would minimize the disruption to their lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Are you in al-anon?
Originally Posted by ONEinaMILLION
Hi, I'm new to this site. I saw this forum and thought maybe I've landed in the right place (I hope I have!)
I separated from my ex after being married for only 8 months (no kids, thank God). Ever since we started dating (we dated for over 3 yrs) I kind of knew he had drinking issues but always thought it "wasn't that bad" or that my prayers and my love and support would eventually make him "control" his drinking habits. Well... once we got married I realized it WAS THAT BAD! His behavior at home freaked me out, he was constantly drinking, sometimes he would pass out in the couch until the next day, he would drink behind my back, bla bla bla...
So I separated eight months ago now, but haven't gotten a divorce and he keeps making promises, saying he is doing better now, begging me to come back...but I know it is all ********. This happened before (all the begging and promising) when we were going out and I did get back together with him, just to find out that nothing had changed... so this time I'm positive I'm not going back, but I don't seem to have the guts to kick him out of my life for good. I'm kind of desperate...I thought by this time I would have moved on with my life, but I seem to be stucked here full of resentment, pain, regrets, etc. Any advice?
I separated from my ex after being married for only 8 months (no kids, thank God). Ever since we started dating (we dated for over 3 yrs) I kind of knew he had drinking issues but always thought it "wasn't that bad" or that my prayers and my love and support would eventually make him "control" his drinking habits. Well... once we got married I realized it WAS THAT BAD! His behavior at home freaked me out, he was constantly drinking, sometimes he would pass out in the couch until the next day, he would drink behind my back, bla bla bla...
So I separated eight months ago now, but haven't gotten a divorce and he keeps making promises, saying he is doing better now, begging me to come back...but I know it is all ********. This happened before (all the begging and promising) when we were going out and I did get back together with him, just to find out that nothing had changed... so this time I'm positive I'm not going back, but I don't seem to have the guts to kick him out of my life for good. I'm kind of desperate...I thought by this time I would have moved on with my life, but I seem to be stucked here full of resentment, pain, regrets, etc. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please, please, please...
...make every single financial decision that you make from here until the day you die as if you are going to see $0 per month from your soon to be ALCOHOLIC ex-husband. I say with a great deal of caring and experience that to do anything else would be an epic and monumental mistake.
By epic and monumental what i mean is an, EPIC, BIBLICAL, GLOBALLY CATASTROPHIC AND MONUMENTAL MISTAKE.
You have to already know this. You just have to. No more wishful thinking GB. Do not expect him to follow through on anything, ever, and you will be fine (and protected).
Apply your engineer's mind to this. The bridge you would build based on projections about or from him would collapse in short order, crushing you and your children beneath it. And, even prior to the collapse you would have to wonder every single month, "is this the month it comes crashing down?"
For the love of God please count on him for absolutely nothing.
Cyranoak
By epic and monumental what i mean is an, EPIC, BIBLICAL, GLOBALLY CATASTROPHIC AND MONUMENTAL MISTAKE.
You have to already know this. You just have to. No more wishful thinking GB. Do not expect him to follow through on anything, ever, and you will be fine (and protected).
Apply your engineer's mind to this. The bridge you would build based on projections about or from him would collapse in short order, crushing you and your children beneath it. And, even prior to the collapse you would have to wonder every single month, "is this the month it comes crashing down?"
For the love of God please count on him for absolutely nothing.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
My ex is not an alcoholic (at least that I know of) and he hasn't paid child support in 4 years. Had a baby with another woman and that was that. I didn't pursue collection because it just seemed easier to let it go for now. I just got tired of each month stressing out over when that check would arrive and it if would clear. By my records, he owes me over $24,000 now.
I am so thrilled with my 1600sf, it takes barely an hour to clean it and I am on my way to funner adventures! And I have to rely on no one but myself to pay for it all. Such a great feeling. If I ever got child support again - I'd just give it to the kids. I don't want his money. Loser.
I am so thrilled with my 1600sf, it takes barely an hour to clean it and I am on my way to funner adventures! And I have to rely on no one but myself to pay for it all. Such a great feeling. If I ever got child support again - I'd just give it to the kids. I don't want his money. Loser.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
No more wishful thinking GB. Do not expect him to follow through on anything, ever, and you will be fine (and protected).
Apply your engineer's mind to this.
Apply your engineer's mind to this.
I know I am more than capable of flying solo. I'm strong, independent, and honestly, I don't need a man. I've been told, more times than I care to admit, that makes me intimidating, emasculating, and..."good luck finding somebody who wants to feel inferior to all that!!!"
It happens on an almost daily basis.... to the point where I feel "punished" for being so driven and successful. Like I'm doomed to be alone because I so "scary".
I get mad when I think about it too much. I flip between "screw it, I'll be single forever" and thinking maybe I need to be softer and more of a damsel in distress.
Ah hell... you all just got a preview into my mind. Scary in there isn't it?!?! I think being single for a while is going to be good for me. I'm too raw and keyed up now... for my own good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I agree that being single for a while will probably be a good thing for you. And, when you finally do find someone to spend your time with, he will be worthy of such a strong, beautiful, powerful woman--not the least bit scared of her. 
(There are men like that, I know several, and happen to be dating one!)
L
(There are men like that, I know several, and happen to be dating one!)
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Not real men...
...only pathetic Mama's Boys. Men worth having find these characteristics VERY attractive.
C-
C-
Originally Posted by GettingBy
I know I am more than capable of flying solo. I'm strong, independent, and honestly, I don't need a man. I've been told, more times than I care to admit, that makes me intimidating, emasculating, and..."good luck finding somebody who wants to feel inferior to all that!!!"
It happens on an almost daily basis.... to the point where I feel "punished" for being so driven and successful. Like I'm doomed to be alone because I so "scary".
I get mad when I think about it too much. I flip between "screw it, I'll be single forever" and thinking maybe I need to be softer and more of a damsel in distress.
Ah hell... you all just got a preview into my mind. Scary in there isn't it?!?! I think being single for a while is going to be good for me. I'm too raw and keyed up now... for my own good.
It happens on an almost daily basis.... to the point where I feel "punished" for being so driven and successful. Like I'm doomed to be alone because I so "scary".
I get mad when I think about it too much. I flip between "screw it, I'll be single forever" and thinking maybe I need to be softer and more of a damsel in distress.
Ah hell... you all just got a preview into my mind. Scary in there isn't it?!?! I think being single for a while is going to be good for me. I'm too raw and keyed up now... for my own good.
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