barb dwyer

As everyone knows it's finals bla bla bla.

well -
as I approach the big two exams tomorrow
I was getting closer and closer to dry drunking
and self pity
and just generally
breaking all the guidelines
the HALT thing
the 'care for the self' thing

the whole nine yards.

I've a friend
who's really been getting on my nerves lately
I think she's passive aggressive striking back at me
because I've been so busy with school
she's not getting the 'attention' she thinks she wants.

she's my best friend here in Butte
and we usually spend a lot of time together
but I've just not been well enough
to be around much in the last two months.

anyhow-

she got a pacemaker a year ago
(I should point out here I guess that
she's fifteen or eighteen years older than me)
and ever since then
she's done little but
sit on her couch and smoke cigarettes.

she's afraid of the pacemaker.

the only time she goes out
is if someone goes and gets her
and takes her.

if you suggest anything
she won't do it.
stubborn-er than a mule.

but it's ornery
because she's afraid.
I'vce tried being gentle
I've tried being patient
(I think a year proves that)
I've tried just telling her what I think

and she fights me every time.
SO!

I'd had enough
and had some time yesterday
and wanted to blow off some steam
and like I say
being angry at her for killing my friend
has been building
and since I' know I'm a 'build and blow' personality
I decided to 'vent' physically - at her place.

so I went over to her house
and we went to the mall
(one of the things she WILL do)
she won't go walk
she won't go back to physical therapy

and I see her walls getting browner and browner
every time I go over there....

She's got this dog
that is like fifteen
a Belgian Teruven or Malanois one or the other
and although she loves this dog like a child
she doesn't groom it (herself)
doesn't do her claws
(she leaves that for me or takes her to have it done)
butr she doesn't take the dog for walks
doesn't take her for rides

just gives her treats like six times a day
at specific times of day....
the dog is overweight
and old and half blind

but if I say anything
she (the woman)
just crawls into her ornery shell
and no progress is made.

so yesterday I was feeling a 'blow' coming on
and this woman has been calling me to come over
but I couldn't for weeks cuz of all the stuff
(illness then school then illness AND school)

so I went over there to 'blow'

I got her pooper scooper
and did about an hour's worth of work in her yard
just picking up the dog poo
(shje never does she always hires someone)
and if she wanted to talk to me
she had to come outside.

it worked!

she was out in the sunshine
picking up trash
and peering at the rose bushes
if anything
I shamed her into being outside.

So I managed to kill about three or four birds
with one 'do something positive for someone else'
even though I was angry with her.

nOW I'm not angry at her
I see that it's only fear
not obstinance
and she's literally paralyzed
and defensive as hell about it.

her husband was abusive
and I SEE that her life
is now the abuser.

I can help her with that.
by arranging things
so that it appears that she's the one helping me.
because she is.

I post this
as an example of how getting ourselves
out of ourselves
by doing something for someone else
can help in more than our own approach to life.

barb dwyer

I didn't get any studying done
but I wouldn't have anyway
because of the tidal wave building up.

So I just went around the yard
(it hasn't been done sincce... july of last year geyah)
picking up poo, pushing the wheelbarrow
jabbering like a magpie
about everything and anything
that wasn't about her smoking her life away
on her couch
watching tv.

it worked.

for both of us.

StarCat

Thank you so much for sharing that, barb!

You always have amazingly insightful ways to view things, and I always benefit.

What a wonderful way to deal with all those pent-up emotions!

Tuffgirl

As always, I bow to your greatness!

Needed this tonight...spending too much time sitting on the pity pot this week.

Thank you!

Impurrfect

((((Barb)))) - what a great way of dealing with that!!! I need to try that with my stepmom.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Jadmack25

You handled it all beautifully. I lost my cool with ex neighbour here, who behaved as if her second chance of life was full of danger. Treated her new pacemaker as if it were a time bomb, due to explode if she moved a muscle to do anything but moan.

Mea Culpa.

BeProactive

what a great way to handling the situation. You sound amazingly wise, Barb. I should try this instead of getting lost in my issues all the time (have a tendency to do this)

good luck for the finals!

newby1961

Good luck w/finals been there done it in the 90's in MSLA Mt. I really miss those days although I never did graduate because I returned to drinking in my 3rd year of SW.

I have a friend much like yours and she just lost her husband and so she is a tad overbearing. She also hacks up a storm but chain smokes like crazy.

I feel bad for her and I give her rides to meetings but she has control issues like I don't? Lol

She has been sober for 31 years so she is way stuck on how AA used to be " When I was getting sober we did it like?"

It feels good though to help her out but I find myself backing away from her because I just can't be around all the time.

Anyway I was thinking if this is our biggest problems in life we have it really, really good.

barb dwyer

Newbie -

I hope to head over to UM this summer
to discuss their art /writing program
and my advisors and the dept head over here
gave me their blessings
because they think that's where I oughta be.

I know you can't swing a dead cat in missoula
without hitting a self described writer
all bright lights
and no city.

it may be too yuppified for me at first
but I think I'm finaly 'mature' enough to just get my head down
and do the work.
also I already know a lot of characters
in the Program over there.

an amazing blessing of AA
you've got instant friends and support
wherever you go in the world.

we even had a guy posting here
who was literally in the serengeti.
amazing.

Shellcrusher

For a moment I read that she got a peacemaker and settled in for an epic post.
I learned to read and it's still an epic post.
Way to walk the high road!