Encountered this?

Old 05-12-2011, 03:40 PM
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Encountered this?

My RAH's therapists and case workers seem to be really into the "don't quit don't quit" thing. Rah hadn't talked to his therapist in three weeks. She had sent me an email so I responses with what was going on and she wrote back with "here is an old aa-ism .. don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens." When he was in rehab his case worker also told me "don't go until you have given him a chance and given it everything you have got." Both of these statements made my codie brain go crazy. Anyone else run into this/know where it might be coming from? His therapist has even alluded to him being dry drunk so I am not sure where it is coming from.
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Old 05-12-2011, 03:45 PM
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That sounds totally unethical to me. Inappropriate on the therapist's part at minimum. His therapist has no business discussing AH's therapy, progress or emialing you to "coerce" you into doing what AH wants, not what's best for you.

YOU decide when you quit...not AH, not HIS therapist. It also sounds like the therapist may be being manipulated by AH to go from telling you AH is a dry drunk to expecting a miracle any moment now.

Just my initial thoughts.
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Old 05-12-2011, 03:53 PM
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Ditto Bella exactly. I had a serious talk with AXH's therapist when he cited me statistics of chances of recovery when an A had the support of their family and when they didn't. I told him my XAH no longer had a family so his recovery was none of my business.
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:58 PM
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I wonder if this is along the same lines of what I've gotten - the 'wait out the first year before doing anything drastic' line. That the first year in recovery can be life-changing. 6 months in and I see not much changing except that he is sober (so he says), which in itself is a miracle. But no real behavior changes and a whole lot of anger (especially at me). Makes me wonder what he was so damn angry about before I came along?!

And therapists can be just as sick or sicker than their clients. I take what is said with a big dose of "take what works and leave the rest"
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:59 PM
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I've typed three answers to this and all three got dropped by a crappy wireless connection today.

I don't see how RAH therapist has YOUR best interest at heart.

My new friend - if you're done - you're done.

We codies tend to place far too much importance on what others tell us we should
do/think/ feel

and never take the time to learn how to determine what it is WE want.

maybe it's time for these questions:

why is the therapist worrying about YOu sticking out
a recovery your RAH isn't even attempting to do?

I mean, we can't make them well
on a GOOD day....
we sure as heck can't make a difference
if they aren't even going to try.

here's the questions that changed my life.

"Do I want this to be the rest of my life?"

"If not me, then who?"

"If not now, then when?"

Those questions will rock your world.

And if this one doesn't post -
then it's the will of the Infinite will that I say nothing.
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:02 PM
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"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle".

I started hearing this about 20 years or so ago in AA. I believe it came from some rehab but not sure. It was being used by sponsors to sponsee to 'not quit AA and go back to drinking 5 minutes before the miracle happens.'

As to HIS therapist telling you that and emailing you, sheesh totally not ethical in my book.

If in fact your RAH is just dry and NOT working a program of recovery and in the process is still the same in your book and still giving you all the problems, then it is entirely up to you what YOU choose to do.

You have choices today.

Why not do what is BEST for YOU?


Love and hugs,
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
here's the questions that changed my life.

"Do I want this to be the rest of my life?"

"If not me, then who?"

"If not now, then when?"

Those questions will rock your world.

And if this one doesn't post -
then it's the will of the Infinite will that I say nothing.
Thank you for posting this! I really needed to read that right now.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:45 PM
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I agree with the others here... his therapist in no way shape or form should be discussing his process with you, and it is a huge conflict of interest professionally. Imagine how you would feel if YOUR therapist starting talking to your husband behind your back. Pretty nauseating. And as far as anyone telling you when you should or shouldn't "leave", well, that's codependancy at its finest. I should know. No one can make that decision, or even have an opinion about it, but you.

We do tell people in Alanon to try and not make any life changing decisions the first 12 months of recovery, simply because everything changes when we begin to work the steps, and discover new information about ourselves. Feelings go up, down, and around on a regular basis, so jumping to conclusions and making big decisions can be regretted later. As far as making a big decision based on someone else's recovery, I find that to be an extremely co-dependant mentality as well. Basing a decision about my life upon the status of someone else's life, waiting for things to change. Nothing says if you make a change for yourself during this time that you won't be able to go back to it later. If his recovery is genuine, he will appreciate the time to work on himself if you decide to put some space between the two of you.

Take care of you!
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:55 PM
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That comment on not giving up was meant for those addicted, not those who are at the end of their tether coping with the fallout from the addicted ones.

If you have had it and don't want to be in the poo anymore, then you can walk anytime.
Let it all go, after all it is not your place in life to make yourself miserable, or hand your life over to someone else's addiction problems.

Be a QUITTER, it is a good thing to be in some circumstances.
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