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not anymore...i have nothing left

Old 05-11-2011, 09:44 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Back in February, after we'd broken up but when he was still trying to get back with me, my exabf was sending me emails saying "maybe things will turn around. Maybe things will change for the better"...making me think he is putting off whatever recovery efforts he knows deep in his heart he needs.

Yknow what? Sometimes tomorrow never comes. If my exabf was really serious about acknowledging his problem, he would not have let me walk away in the first place, when I said "stop drinking or lose me." At that point, I'd had enough of empty promises with no corresponding action.

Procrastination is nothing more than a manipulation tactic to keep us on the hook. It's funny, alcoholics are so incapable of thinking longterm that they don't even consider..well, what happens when you tell me "I'll do this Friday", then Friday comes, and you haven't done it?

They don't seem to care about that-they just think moment to moment. I'm sure they think, it's cool, I'll come up with something on Friday. And unfortunately, we codependents will probably fall for it on Friday, too.

Unless and until we too are in a solid program of recovery, our disease makes us highly susceptible to the alcoholics' denial, deflection, and manipulation.

Originally Posted by dancingnow View Post
I was always second guessing myself on whether I gave AH enough time, acted considerately, etc., etc., etc. and drove myself insane.

My AH will seek recovery if and when he wants to and he will follow up what he says he is going to do if and when he wants to.

In the meantime, I don't need to listen to what he says he is going to do as it takes up too much of my brain space and makes it more difficult for me to do what I want and need to do and a lot of the time my brain is just trying to figure out what I want to do.

And yes, things could get worse than they are. My AH got a DUI two months ago, DS was in the car but than asked to be taken home and thankfully DS was not in car and no one hurt. Insurance went up though and I am in process of getting AH to separate our policies.

He got his license back. Still not in true recovery. I don't want to pay any more consequences if he gets another DUI. I believe AH is focused on me paying consequences for speaking my mind and being strong.

I hate what alcohol does to a person and I hate that there is nothing I can do to take it away from AH but I can take what it does away from me and my kids as best I can.
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:57 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Wonderful wisdom from experience on this thread!

I hope you are seeing Sweet that this is not at all unusual in recovery. We climb a ways out of the hole we've dug for ourselves over the years and then one slip leaves us plummeting. It is the nature of addiction and for us the addiction to the love we thought we were receiving from someone, the validation, the completeness and yet it always turns out the same, we end up realizing it's the same old bottom of the same old hole.

Please stay and keep working on you. This is why we seek support so we can break the cycle. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It just takes time, patience, and courage, and we are here to support you.

Get back to work on you. Cut off contact outside of business over the child and leave his recovery, or lack thereof, on him. If he truly wants it, he'll just go do it, he won't need you to endorse it.

Hugs,
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:58 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I guess that is why I was so mad when he kept saying "by Friday" because he kept saying that he just chose to go into rehab on Sunday and that I am impatient and want him to do everything at once. I felt like the first time we separated was in August of 2009 and for the first year he was even in denial he had a problem. Then he did an independent alcohol program where he went from work there, he had written homework, weekly counseling sessions and random testing along with daily therapy. He went 30 days and it was hard on him to work and go. He didn't see our daughter much but it was worth it to him to get help. I was proud of him for going through with that program and stopping drinking in an instant which he doesn't have problem stopping drinking. He just doesn't know how to communicate properly because he has been drinking since he was a teenager. Then after he completed that program he was to continue on to AA and then just dropped the ball on an individual basis even though we were going to couples counseling and anger management together. So to him, he is thinking it's only since Sunday and I am not giving it a chance to make some steps, but to me I feel like he's been in and out of my home since August 2009 and then he's had plenty of time to figure out what needs to be done and do it and follow through. I feel like he still doesn't understand the damage he has caused to himself, me and our family and if he did, he would be doing all of these things ASAP. I guess I have no faith in him that he will do what he says by Friday and unfortunately, that is the consequence he suffers for lying to me so much in the past. I don't know how to cut out the contact if we have a daughter who is 3.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:16 AM
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Good insights in this post. How many more chances does one give these guys?

Only you can decide when you've done enough. Took me 3.5 yrs to get to that point.



Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I guess that is why I was so mad when he kept saying "by Friday" because he kept saying that he just chose to go into rehab on Sunday and that I am impatient and want him to do everything at once. I felt like the first time we separated was in August of 2009 and for the first year he was even in denial he had a problem. Then he did an independent alcohol program where he went from work there, he had written homework, weekly counseling sessions and random testing along with daily therapy. He went 30 days and it was hard on him to work and go. He didn't see our daughter much but it was worth it to him to get help. I was proud of him for going through with that program and stopping drinking in an instant which he doesn't have problem stopping drinking. He just doesn't know how to communicate properly because he has been drinking since he was a teenager. Then after he completed that program he was to continue on to AA and then just dropped the ball on an individual basis even though we were going to couples counseling and anger management together. So to him, he is thinking it's only since Sunday and I am not giving it a chance to make some steps, but to me I feel like he's been in and out of my home since August 2009 and then he's had plenty of time to figure out what needs to be done and do it and follow through. I feel like he still doesn't understand the damage he has caused to himself, me and our family and if he did, he would be doing all of these things ASAP. I guess I have no faith in him that he will do what he says by Friday and unfortunately, that is the consequence he suffers for lying to me so much in the past. I don't know how to cut out the contact if we have a daughter who is 3.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I will do my best. I woke up this morning feeling like I had been through a war. I will try to understand that I did fall yesterday and today I will get back up. It literally is hard for me to get up today. I am the kind who gets up at 530AM everyday and showers right away and starts my day, etc...Today I slept in until 8AM and even when I woke up I just lay in bed. My daughter had to ask me to make breakfast and usually I give it to her without asking. I feel disappointed in myself but I guess I cannot dwell on it. I am just going to try and get through the day.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:36 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Yes, I felt so embarassed because I was feeling strong and empowered and then I gave him a chance and to speak and all of my "strength" went out the door. He is actually telling me he knows he needs help and will go to an AA meeting this week, find a counselor (we printed out therapists covered by his insurance specializing in alcohol dependency) and he will email enabling mistress by Friday and cc me to let me know its been done. But to me, I feel like he should have done all these things yesterday if he was really serious about getting his family back. He said the hardest thing is to face the consequences of his behavior and it makes him uneasy and anxious and want to drink and I guess that's the part I don't understand because I am not an addict. Maybe I'm being unreasonable and should give him time to complete what he says he's going to do? I don't know why I was so adimate that he needed to do these things yesterday. Maybe because of all he's done to me I will never have faith because of the past? I'm not a grudge holder on the outside but maybe subconsciously I want him to pay for the damage he has caused?
I can relate to this feeling. I don't have to look very far back in my own relationship to see that putting trust in my AH to do the right thing doesn't make any sense. I also struggle with feeling guilty for wanting to SEE results when he says he's making an effort. That said, intellectually I know this: Nothing changes unless nothing changes. Until I see real changes in the way my husband behaves, I don't trust him. I have to honor that and wait until more is revealed.

Not sure if that helps. Thank you for posting...I can really relate to your feelings.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:48 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I was doing really good and I made the mistake of letting RAH back in for a talk Sunday and he said he was going to go to inpatient rehab, even called his insurance asking what he is eligible for, completed the intake application, etc..he was going to do whatever he had to do to get me back.

Now...its 2 days later and he's already back to being the old mean, angry person he was and said I am trying to control him because I am asking when he intends to follow through on the things he said he was going to do.
This is identical to what I went through with my AH this winter. Except I wasn't wise enough to post here and talk to anyone. Instead I tried to plead, reason, argue, etc... with AH to get him to do what he'd promised. He made and broke the same promise (had a date set up to go to inpatient rehab and everything) 3 times and on the morning of the 3rd time he assaulted me when I told him he could choose to not go to rehab but he would not be staying at our house any longer.

You're NOT being controlling by asking when he intends to do what he said. It's normal to ask questions and to expect people to keep their word. Except normal doesn't apply when it comes to alcoholic's promises (in my experience). The problem is not you. The problem is that he is an alcoholic and is behaving like one.

You can't love him or support him into rehab anymore than you can get angry enough to get him to go. You aren't pathetic at all. You are a mom, a wife, at the end of your rope. Like me you wanted to believe in him and make it work and I'm guessing felt a bit hopeful when he made calls and promises about rehab? And then he goes back on all of that and it hurts like hell bc you are seeing that he really isn't changing and that there's nothing at all you can do about his recovery.

I am an idiot. I have no self esteem. I am good for a few days and then I get sucked back in. I have no family that loves me and I am just damaged and I don't think things will ever get better. I am ashamed for going so many rounds with him. I have alienated the small friends that I did have by giving in so many times to this relapsing AH.
You are none of the things you describe. I know how you feel and I am sorry. I too alienated friends, was ashamed to tell anyone what was happening, have a pretty wacked out FOO so they're not of much use etc...

Ive been trying for 2 years and we share our 3 year old and so we can never make a clean break. When I try to make a clean break, I just get harrassed for trying by him. When we are apart he uses every insecurity and bit of knowledge about me over my head to coerse me into getting along.
Your AH is scared that you are trying to change and do what's best for you and your 3 yo and will pull out all the stops to get you sucked back in. What he's doing (what you're describing) is what so many of us have been through. I've written what you wrote above and have read others who wrote it too. It doesn't make it suck any less when it's occuring but you really are not alone. You are living with an alcoholic and it's too much for any one person to deal with without a lot of support. Do you have a therapist? Can you go to al anon?

I really feel like I have nothing and cannot recover because I have been down so long. i think this will be my last post on SR because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am so pathetic.
I have felt similarly in the past... please please don't disappear from here... No one is judging (well, speaking just for me-- I am not judging and I can't imagine others are either)

You are leaps and bounds above where I was in Jan when I was facing the same broken promises about rehab. You have reached out, you can see what he's doing. I was in denial and told no one. It probably feels like you are alone and not doing well, but you're here, posting and aware and want life to be different than it is and that's quite a lot...
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:05 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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If we all quit posting when we fall off the codie wagon, there would be no F&F forum.

Progress, not perfection. Be careful you aren't too hard on yourself. Your A was hard enough on you. You don't need to do the same to yourself.

Keep posting and reading here. This place is a lifesaver and full of wisdom and experience.
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:11 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I would like to thank everyone who has posted in response to my episode last night. Honestly, if I didn't have SR, I do not know where I would be. All of you make me feel a little less crazy and a little more hopeful.

Thank you so much. Words cannot express the support I have been given on this site.
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:07 PM
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All of you make me feel a little less crazy and a little more hopeful.
Amen. That's what this site does for me, too. It makes me feel like if I'm crazy, at least I'm with people who understand my brand of crazy.

Big hugs to you.
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:23 PM
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Here's the good news.
We know exactly what you're feeling. You're not alone with these types of setbacks.

I'm a big strong willed man and sometimes I feel like the biggest Nancy boy because my AW has broken me down time and time again. Recovery takes time and sometimes you just have to work on it minute to minute. Speaking of time, do you want some more good news?

Roughly 13 hours have passed between your first and most recent post and you're already writing with more strength. That is progress and I know for me, I sometimes get so overwhelmed with the problem that I'm not seeing the progress. So I want you to know that I see your strength. A day hasn't even passed yet.

So keep up the good work.
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Old 05-11-2011, 01:16 PM
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Whatever happens, you always have choices. And you can change your mind as often as you like.

A short quote from the Al-Anon closing, it really is true, for Al-Anon and for here.

Whatever your problems there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
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Old 05-11-2011, 05:20 PM
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"Yes, I felt so embarassed because I was feeling strong and empowered and then I gave him a chance and to speak and all of my "strength" went out the door."

Because we want to believe that they finally get it. It's also conditioned. He speaks, you give hm another chance. Making a change is scary. Staying were you are, giving him another chance to get it right is comfortable, even if it stinks to high heaven. It's what you now. There's a reason the following saying is a cliche...it's true of most people..."The Devil You Know Is Better Than the One You Don't." We are comfortable with the Devil We Know because we can pretty much predict that devil's behavior. The unknown is highly fear based because we have no idea and our imaginations tend to go to the worst possible scenario.

Healing from all of this, changing our world view, doing the work necessary to change and get healthy is hard AND it takes time and a concerted effort. It's one step forward, two steps back. At other times it's three steps forward and one step back. It gets easier but it takes a while. And we need others to help us. So PLEASE do not give up on yourself. You are too valuable. This is why we are all here on the planet...to GROW!
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Old 05-11-2011, 05:36 PM
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Just wanna add my personal 2 cents. Now that I am on the other side, away from the Devil I know...I gotta say, any Devil I don't know that comes up, I feel WAY more prepared to handle because I don't have a death grip on my exabf's alcoholic train that's careening off a cliff right now..much easier to handle all the problems life throws at you, alone, on your own 2 feet, wihtout someone who's sinking dragging you down into their muck.

Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella View Post
"Yes, I felt so embarassed because I was feeling strong and empowered and then I gave him a chance and to speak and all of my "strength" went out the door."

Because we want to believe that they finally get it. It's also conditioned. He speaks, you give hm another chance. Making a change is scary. Staying were you are, giving him another chance to get it right is comfortable, even if it stinks to high heaven. It's what you now. There's a reason the following saying is a cliche...it's true of most people..."The Devil You Know Is Better Than the One You Don't." We are comfortable with the Devil We Know because we can pretty much predict that devil's behavior. The unknown is highly fear based because we have no idea and our imaginations tend to go to the worst possible scenario.

Healing from all of this, changing our world view, doing the work necessary to change and get healthy is hard AND it takes time and a concerted effort. It's one step forward, two steps back. At other times it's three steps forward and one step back. It gets easier but it takes a while. And we need others to help us. So PLEASE do not give up on yourself. You are too valuable. This is why we are all here on the planet...to GROW!
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:13 PM
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Oh, and because you asked....yes, you can have no contact when you have a child together. The no contact applies to these discussions over his seeking recovery or not. Discussions between you should be about daughter and her needs and not about his addiction. Let him discuss that with other addicts in the halls of AA as they are qualified to offer support. You keep your recovery to yourself. Study and practice boundaries and let the nature of your interaction with him be guided by those boundaries.

I lived with my XABF during the first 7 months of my finding SR and seeking recovery. In that time, I studied boundaries and learned I can accept or decline contact from him even residing in the same house and managing a household that included him. It took time, but I learned to live with him in keeping with my boundaries and kept our contact comfortable for me. Now, keep in mind he was active in his alcoholism and was spiraling down at the time so between my boundaries and his determination to overstep them, we spent less and less time together, but I lived with the confidence that those were his choices and I stopped the demands that he change.

Hope this helps

Alice
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