Manipulation or Controlling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Manipulation or Controlling?
My husband was just in jail for a DWI (2nd this yr) in one car of ours with no interlock and not our other one with the interlock device. I set the boundary that he can not come live with me and the boys. He had just came home from 5 months in rehab and relapsed within a couple of days...hence the 2nd DWI. I am working on boundries. Both cars are in my name as well as the insurance. I have been telling him for two years I would put one of the cars in his name but he never would. I have often wondered if he didn't get around to doing it because then it would be his responsibility and if i said no to him using it he would be able to blame me. Now he wants me to give him the car with the interlock device on it because he needs a vehicle, If I even try to talk to him he's always "accusing me of controlling this/controlling that" which happens to be one of my triggers and am trying to avoid having conversations like that. I am not keeping the vehicle from him to punish him. I just feel that since it is in my name and on my insurance that I would be taking a huge gamble to trust someone who obviously can't be trusted at this time. So am I just being controlling or is he trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
You have a reasonable boundary; he calls it controlling. He IS going to do that, because he doesn't like your boundary.
In answer to the first part, no, you are not "just being controlling;" yes, he is "trying to manipulate" you, and with regards to the last part, he can't "make" you feel anything without your consent--so turn off the guilt-meter and stick to your guns!
So am I just being controlling or is he trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
This is class A Alcoholic behavior.
His logic is Whack.
He is just hoping you get tripped up by it.
Dont.
And seperate the cars by legal document, so that he is responsible for his own, and if he wont comply, then he is not allowed to drive your vehicles.
Sound like what you might have to do if he was a teenager?
Well, guess what? He is acting like one, so he can just deal with it.
If he uses one of the cars in your name, and he cannot be a responsible person, report it stolen.
This is someone who clearly wont use the interlock car, because he wants to drive Under the Influence. That is dangerous to him, and OTHERS.
Make this stand. Too bad if he doesnt like it, he is acting like a teen.
I know, easier said than done, just giving you a potential stance to take, or a mental leg to stand on.
His logic is Whack.
He is just hoping you get tripped up by it.
Dont.
And seperate the cars by legal document, so that he is responsible for his own, and if he wont comply, then he is not allowed to drive your vehicles.
Sound like what you might have to do if he was a teenager?
Well, guess what? He is acting like one, so he can just deal with it.
If he uses one of the cars in your name, and he cannot be a responsible person, report it stolen.
This is someone who clearly wont use the interlock car, because he wants to drive Under the Influence. That is dangerous to him, and OTHERS.
Make this stand. Too bad if he doesnt like it, he is acting like a teen.
I know, easier said than done, just giving you a potential stance to take, or a mental leg to stand on.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He is manipulating, blame-shifting and desperate. He will say and do anything to get his world back to the status quo (use and abuse while taking zero responsibility)
Welcome to the SR family!
We understand living with addiction.
You have found a wonderful resource for information and support.
I was married to an active alcoholic for 14 years.
I became concerned about our family finances and legal issues of my AH drinking and getting behind the wheel of our cars.
I couldnt control his behavior and get him to *see* the risks he was taking with our family resources.
I decided to remove myself and children from the chaos.
By filing for divorce, I was able to protect myself and children's interests from any fall out of his addictive behavior. Almost......we lost our family home to foreclosure after the divorce.
I am not suggesting you divorce your husband. I will suggest that you ask for a free consultation with a family law attorney. Find out what your rights are as the spouse of an addict - according to your state laws. Most lawyers will schedule a free consultation.
I went prepared with copies of our mortgage, car loans, bank statements and credit card statements when I consulted with an attorney. (I knew I was ending the marriage and wanted to know what I was financially responsible for). My first consultation was a disaster (phone consult with employer assistance program), my second consultation with an area lawyer was right on target. I got the answers I needed and that removed my doubts and fears of the unknown.
In your situation, if there is an outstanding loan on the vehicle with the interlock device, and the loan is in your name, you can not cancel the insurance. If he wants the car, he can get a loan and insurance. Period.
You don't need to feel guilty about that boundary. You are not a rental car service with liability insurance.
If he takes the keys to either of YOUR vehicles, call the police and report him.
Protect yourself from the legal consequences of his irresponsible actions.
Welcome to the SR family!
We understand living with addiction.
You have found a wonderful resource for information and support.
I was married to an active alcoholic for 14 years.
I became concerned about our family finances and legal issues of my AH drinking and getting behind the wheel of our cars.
I couldnt control his behavior and get him to *see* the risks he was taking with our family resources.
I decided to remove myself and children from the chaos.
By filing for divorce, I was able to protect myself and children's interests from any fall out of his addictive behavior. Almost......we lost our family home to foreclosure after the divorce.
I am not suggesting you divorce your husband. I will suggest that you ask for a free consultation with a family law attorney. Find out what your rights are as the spouse of an addict - according to your state laws. Most lawyers will schedule a free consultation.
I went prepared with copies of our mortgage, car loans, bank statements and credit card statements when I consulted with an attorney. (I knew I was ending the marriage and wanted to know what I was financially responsible for). My first consultation was a disaster (phone consult with employer assistance program), my second consultation with an area lawyer was right on target. I got the answers I needed and that removed my doubts and fears of the unknown.
In your situation, if there is an outstanding loan on the vehicle with the interlock device, and the loan is in your name, you can not cancel the insurance. If he wants the car, he can get a loan and insurance. Period.
You don't need to feel guilty about that boundary. You are not a rental car service with liability insurance.
If he takes the keys to either of YOUR vehicles, call the police and report him.
Protect yourself from the legal consequences of his irresponsible actions.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
Pelican, would like to PM you with some questions but I haven't posted enough yet to send PMs. After reading your post, I'm thinking I should remove my name from my AHs title on his car (we're both on it now). Our insurance is all bundled together presently. Is it necessary to split that as well? No DUIs yet; his record is clean but I have caught him behind the wheel several times. I take the keys when I have the opportunity, but unable to be his mommy 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Buffalo brings up a good point. What would you do if this WAS your kid. Would you let him have the car after a 2nd DUI? Would you ever let him drive again (at least until he was an adult and could buy his own damn car and insurance)?
Drinking and driving was a huge boundary for me, and one the RAH repeatedly violated but to his luck, no DUI. I did, however, not share insurance policies with him nor did I share a vehicle...everything we owned was owned separately. I am glad of that now - it makes it easier to walk away.
I also have the boundary of not living with an active alcoholic or a dry drunk. That's a perfectly reasonable boundary, especially when you have children to take care of.
Alcoholics don't like boundaries.
Mine never acknowledged mine, much less respected them. Hang in there!
Drinking and driving was a huge boundary for me, and one the RAH repeatedly violated but to his luck, no DUI. I did, however, not share insurance policies with him nor did I share a vehicle...everything we owned was owned separately. I am glad of that now - it makes it easier to walk away.
I also have the boundary of not living with an active alcoholic or a dry drunk. That's a perfectly reasonable boundary, especially when you have children to take care of.
Alcoholics don't like boundaries.
Mine never acknowledged mine, much less respected them. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Yes he is manipulating you and he is trying to make you responsible for his life and feel guilty for protecting yourself instead of him.
I think it's safe to say that most, if not all of us have experienced this-- the circumstances are different, but the purpose is the same.
Keep the status quo at all costs.
You're not controlling him. You're being smart and safe and taking care of yourself- all positive things regardless of what he will say.
I think it's safe to say that most, if not all of us have experienced this-- the circumstances are different, but the purpose is the same.
Keep the status quo at all costs.
You're not controlling him. You're being smart and safe and taking care of yourself- all positive things regardless of what he will say.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Onathread: I have dealt with an AH and an adult daughter through their drinking and driving. I do not want them on my policy or on shared titles to vehicles.
My reason is fear based. I do not want to have my name legally attached to their consequences. If they are involved in an accident that causes harm/death to another individual, I do not want to be involved in any of the legal fallout.
You may want to consult with an attorney in your state to find out if there are legal consequences to your being on the same title and insurance of someone charged with DUI. (Your insurance agent may be able to answer that question)
My reason is fear based. I do not want to have my name legally attached to their consequences. If they are involved in an accident that causes harm/death to another individual, I do not want to be involved in any of the legal fallout.
You may want to consult with an attorney in your state to find out if there are legal consequences to your being on the same title and insurance of someone charged with DUI. (Your insurance agent may be able to answer that question)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by onathread 
Pelican, would like to PM you with some questions but I haven't posted enough yet to send PMs. After reading your post, I'm thinking I should remove my name from my AHs title on his car (we're both on it now). Our insurance is all bundled together presently. Is it necessary to split that as well? No DUIs yet; his record is clean but I have caught him behind the wheel several times. I take the keys when I have the opportunity, but unable to be his mommy 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Controlling in and of itself...
...is neither inherently wrong nor inherently right. It's situational. With an alcoholic, when you are controlling to protect yourself or your children it's right. When you do it to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of their actions or do things for them they are perfectly capable of doing themselves (or should be if they weren't drunk) it's wrong.
I put everything through that filter.
Right now what he's being is an alcoholic. He doesn't get access to the cars because he has demonstrated he lacks good judgement and if something happens it will affect you. Game, set, match.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
I put everything through that filter.
Right now what he's being is an alcoholic. He doesn't get access to the cars because he has demonstrated he lacks good judgement and if something happens it will affect you. Game, set, match.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
This is class A Alcoholic behavior.
His/Her logic is Whack.
His/Her logic is Whack.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Controlling in and of itself...
...is neither inherently wrong nor inherently right. It's situational. With an alcoholic, when you are controlling to protect yourself or your children it's right. When you do it to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of their actions or do things for them they are perfectly capable of doing themselves (or should be if they weren't drunk) it's wrong.
I put everything through that filter.
...is neither inherently wrong nor inherently right. It's situational. With an alcoholic, when you are controlling to protect yourself or your children it's right. When you do it to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of their actions or do things for them they are perfectly capable of doing themselves (or should be if they weren't drunk) it's wrong.
I put everything through that filter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL
If he got a 2nd DUI how can he drive? Didn't they pull his license?
Guys thank you so much. Sometimes it is hard (understatement of the year) for me not to second guess my gut instinct. I do still care for him but I am working out MY issues not HIS. I KNOW that if I do what I feel/know is RIGHT for me and the kids then that can NOT be wrong. I am just new at my recovery and trying to do the best I can. I appreciate all your support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
I am going through something similar and when I found out he was drinking/driving and cheating I called the cop bawling and telling him to go get the truck since my name is on it. He came over and told me to let him drive it even though my name is on the title but he has his own insurance policy. Our issue is a little messy because the van I drive is in my name but his grandpa has the lien so I am pretty sure he can come swipe the van.
exA's last DUI was with a vehicle in my name and I got questioned and I asked the cops again if I would get in trouble or anything with my name on the truck and he said no. Sooo hopefully we can go to court soon and get it straitened out.
exA's last DUI was with a vehicle in my name and I got questioned and I asked the cops again if I would get in trouble or anything with my name on the truck and he said no. Sooo hopefully we can go to court soon and get it straitened out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
