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Is it possible?

Old 05-09-2011, 05:29 PM
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Is it possible?

I read so many posts about what not to do, etc...Does anyone have a success story of any relationship that has survived the past of active alcoholism through the rehabilitation and treatment into successful sobriety?
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:34 PM
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Those people probably don't feel the need to come here and post very much. That said, I know several couples that have done so over a long period of time. BUT, do not cling to this as some kind of reason to stay with your alcoholic. The fact is, even the very best recovery programs have low long-term recovery rates and high rates of recidivism.

If you choose to stay with yours, as I have, know that you are in for a life intimately connected to alcoholism and or recovery programs. There is NEVER a cure.

Good luck,

Cyranoak
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:59 PM
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I've been searching the internet for success stories...talking with RA's and their spouses and significant others...and basically hear the same thing Cyranoak posted. I am still married but live separately. My RAH is about 6 months sober...and it is a looooong journey. Silly me, I thought he could just "quit drinking" and everything would go back to the way I wanted it to be.

Instead I am learning to embrace a lifestyle. I am not sure I want it - so just taking it one day at a time.

To me now, a success story is so much more than people who stayed together. Al-Anon and SR have taught me that.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:22 PM
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To me now, a success story is so much more than people who stayed together. Al-Anon and SR have taught me that.

^^^^THIS!^^^^
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I read so many posts about what not to do, etc...Does anyone have a success story of any relationship that has survived the past of active alcoholism through the rehabilitation and treatment into successful sobriety?
A work in progress but feeling great tonight. I count that as a success.

My wife has been sober for 45 days and is here with the kids and I. We went for a nice long walk with the dog and kids tonight. There are no guaranties lots of failures in the last 4 years. I am proud of her recent hard work to recovery. I know its not long term success but itís a great start. Her recovery is her responsibility I can only support her efforts.

I hope she reads this and knows how proud I am of her.
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:46 PM
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Not alcohol, but marijuana (for both of us) and suboxone/opiates for BF, and we are still madly in love and there to support each other through the difficult process of recovery.
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by jds0401 View Post
One thing I've learned from his short recovery so far: if he relapses I know I'm gone
I said that... now after smelling alcohol on my RAH breathe and his denial of it.. Im not sure what to do... Leave on just a "suspicion"? wait and see because it will be very obvious eventually?... It hasn't affected me yet, right? and i havent finished airing up my spare tire and getting it ready (from another post) But it has Affected me....

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Old 05-10-2011, 01:38 PM
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Lemme hijack this bad boy.

I certainly admire the couples who work it out and keep working on it every day.

That said...

I believe the boards are filled with tons of relationship success stories. What the hell am I talking about?

Oh that's right. How about that relationship with the person called me?

Yes. Skewed but we talk about focusing on ourselves all time and life without alcoholism, then we must surely figure out how to have a successful relationship with ourselves first.

Freedom1990 is a prime example of a success story.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted by FLsunshine View Post
I said that... now after smelling alcohol on my RAH breathe and his denial of it.. Im not sure what to do... Leave on just a "suspicion"? wait and see because it will be very obvious eventually?... It hasn't affected me yet, right? and i havent finished airing up my spare tire and getting it ready (from another post) But it has Affected me....

Well unless your ready to take action you don't need to do anything. I ignored it, pretended his lies were truths for years. I wanted so badly to believe him.
Then one day...it got too much.
I knew he was drinking. I knew if I didn't DO something it would swallow me up...I would live here w/ him forever...miserable, in pain and allowing my children to live in this chaos.
So I ran to walgreens and bought a breathilizer kit, actually came w/ 2 in it.
I told him to take it or I'm just going to assume it to be positive and he could leave w/out taking it.
He took it, said it was defective...I must have dropped it, not followed directions ...you name it he said it.
There was a full minute that I just sat there.
FROZEN.
I had to decide...
so I blew the second test. It was negative, as I didn't have a drink. It was my control. It was the proof...the tests were not defective.
He finally admitted to drinking for the past 6 mos behind my back. EVERYONE knew but me. All his friends, their wives...everyone had been sworn to secrecy...they endangered my children by letting him drive them around while drinking!
I still can't forgive them for that.
I can't forgive him for it either.
Now 10mos in recovery...the pain is still fresh.

But until your ready....you can't take that step.
Only you can decide.
Its as simple as a $15 over the counter test.
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:05 PM
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Silly me, I thought he could just "quit drinking" and everything would go back to the way I wanted it to be.
You know...
It took me 4 years in Al-Anon to work through my own recovery enough to even have the ability to decide what I wanted to do (leave my alcoholic marriage).
Then after I left my alcoholic marriage and the dust started to settle, I realized that it wasn't that easy. That I might have left my alcoholic husband but I hadn't left my coping mechanisms and sick behaviors.

So whether you stay or leave, the journey of recovery is not something you schedule during a 15-minute coffee break. It'll be part of your life for a while regardless of what you choose to do about staying or going.

Edit to add that if that sounds negative, it's not. You can work on your own recovery even while being married to an actively drinking alcoholic. So whatever your choice is for right now, you can choose to take care of yourself. That was the point I was trying to make.
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Lemme hijack this bad boy.

I certainly admire the couples who work it out and keep working on it every day.
That said...
I believe the boards are filled with tons of relationship success stories. What the hell am I talking about?
Oh that's right. How about that relationship with the person called me?
Yes. Skewed but we talk about focusing on ourselves all time and life without alcoholism, then we must surely figure out how to have a successful relationship with ourselves first.
Freedom1990 is a prime example of a success story.
Well said, Shellcrusher. Freedom1990 is a role model for me and for a lot of us.

At the beginning of my journey, I looked for the relationship success stories as well, trying to mimic their success in my situation. That never worked out and I felt myself getting resentful of "others" who managed to continue their relationships through recovery.

Once I started in AL-Anon and with a counselor, I realized that the relationship with myself was just as damaged, if not more damaged than the one with the A in my life. While EXABF and I are finished, I am working on getting to know myself, learning to trust myself but most of all, learning to accept who I am.

Before I go down the relationship path again (if I ever do), I have to be comfortable with me before I can share me with someone else.
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Old 05-13-2011, 06:12 AM
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Man, I agree with you wise folks who are talking about redefining success once we get here. Some of us come to see how to get the A sober--and then the tide turns on us.

God, grant me the serenity to
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
To me success=achieving serenity, acceptance, courage and wisdom.
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Old 05-13-2011, 07:04 AM
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I think the longer the relationship existed during active use/drinking, the less likely it will survive sobriety. I had a 15 year relationship that ended in 2006, met my current GF in Sept 2009, went into rehab Dec 2009 and we (new GF & I) are doing really well.

I don't know that it would have been possible to overcome the years of neglect that I inflicted on the earlier relationship. I was never abusive, but alcohol was my first love/priority and though we still stay in touch and did separate very amicably, I suspect that I had poisoned the well of our relationship beyond repair.

I have a question that relates to this - will post in a separate thread so as not to hijack...
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Old 05-13-2011, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle View Post
I don't know that it would have been possible to overcome the years of neglect that I inflicted on the earlier relationship. I was never abusive, but alcohol was my first love/priority and though we still stay in touch and did separate very amicably, I suspect that I had poisoned the well of our relationship beyond repair.
You know Eddie... I think that's just about where I am with my marriage right now. After 10 years of consistent neglect and verbal abuse, and now recently physical abuse... the relationship is beyond repair. I see it, my AH does not. In his mind it still boils down to - I need to just deal with his drinking and everything would be fine. Too much hurt and pain on my side though to ever go back to denial-land though.

It's so sad... so unbelievably freakin' sad.

Time to move on to the life I want for me.
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Old 05-13-2011, 07:34 AM
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I am working on my success story and always will be. We will celebrate 10 years of marriage June 22 while I went through stage III alcoholism, 3 years of trying to quit and finally a good treatment program. It is her 3rd marriage and my 2nd. We love each other dearly and do not want to fail. She has stood beside me all the way even when this drove us both nuts. I would do the same for her. I would have no life without her. I probably would be dead. We have seen the states and parts of the world together while building a good business even in my drunkeness. Our faith in our religion and committment to our marriage kept our faith alive enough to go through this although my spirit was almost gone at the end. Now I am better one day at a time and we have our joy back and we have hope.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:57 AM
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The thing is it's been 10 mos. It has sucked most of the time BUT I can say a RAH is easier to deal with than a AH. For ME at least.

Now I can't imagine living the way we had been. I am seriously stuck at the 3rd step. I am stuck in my guilt and anger over allowing my life to be taken from me.

This week has been super stressful w/ Finals and my RAH is playing his martyr game again and I'm expected to drop everything and soothe his ego. I'm just not doing it.
I have other things that need done.

So....have I ever heard of a happy ending?
Not to many to be honest.

To me....well I just think I've done my time. 20 yrs w/ a AH is plenty. I'm going on 1 yr w/ my RAH, and while they don't compare...I know that I'm just fed up w/ the drama and crap that comes along with this disease.

I want MY SERENITY!!!!!!!!!
I want to know that there won't be a new drama daily.
I need to feel comfortable in my own house.
I graduate in August...I will despite the trauma/drama and then I need to decide.
I know if I continue in school I HAVE to leave. He damn near broke me this semester w/ all his drama crap, there is no way I want to even TRY to do that again.
AGGGGGH!

I just wish it were easy.
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
.Some of us come to see how to get the A sober--and then the tide turns on us.
I really like this statement.
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