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Illusions That Have My Mind Twisted & My Body Numb

Old 05-09-2011, 10:18 AM
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Illusions That Have My Mind Twisted & My Body Numb

Most of you know my story. If not you can read my previous post.

This weekend, my body went numb along with my feelings & emotions.
My mind got twisted and I sit here today in a fog. Wondering
how to handle the illusion's that were put on my plate.

My daughter tells me:
My RAH, for years had been going in her room
crying to her in the middle of the night, of how much him & I loved her.

My RAH, didnt just buy her one drink at the bar, it was 4. He also patted
her rump, kissed her on the cheek, that is why he got beat up. (Her
story matches the guys at the bar, AH has a story of his own)


My RAH, had been meeting some lady out of town at a bar, of course just
to talk too.

She also filed a police report on him, and the police did call him, to tell
him that all of his mean texts to her, was considered herassment. And
charges would go forward if he did not stop.

He had been calling me a "F" bitch to my daughter

My mother & brother tells me:
My RAH & mom & her husband went to a bar about 75 miles from home.
The bartender knew his name & normal drink. (When I thought we had
only been there once together)

My friend tells me:
She was wondering what was going, because she would see him
over in another town at a bar, all summer long.

I have never heard these things until this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My God, I sit here, wondering...after 13 years of marriage. I thought I
knew this person. This reminds me of something you see on Tv.

I dont know what happen, but I feel like my head snapped.
Illusions....



Divorce papers will served to him on Saturday.
Our 13th wedding anniversary day...

Thank God, he doesnt live here...But I do fear the day he comes back.
Im taking every precaution, just in case.
The lawyer did write it up, that he cant live in the house, while it
is being sold, only I can live there. Locks are changed.

Im trying & learning to understand the alcoholic behaviors.

But is this part of them?

I feel like Im dealing with 3 different people.
The husband, The alcoholic husband, The physco

How am I ever suppose to trust another human being...

I am just completely numb...This is like a really bad dream
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:29 AM
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All I can say is "time" - You have to giv eyourself time
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:31 AM
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You can stop listening to people talk about him. Just tell them that you would rather not know these things. Do you attend alanon meetings? They can help.
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:33 AM
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Something I learned about trust here at SR:

"It's not about trusting them,
It's about trusting yourself"
"Do you trust yourself enough to walk away if needed?"

I believe that wisdom was posted by SR member LaTeeDa
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:50 AM
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I don't know what's hurting you the most, his behavior or the fact that people in your family have not told you this stuff earlier.

As far as he goes -- alcoholics lie. They lie and drink. Drink and lie. That part, while hurtful, is not really a surprise.

As far as the family goes -- I can tell you about mine. My family knew I was married to an abusive alcoholic. Even though we don't live in the same state and only see each other at holidays, they knew. I went through a phase where I was pissed off that they hadn't done anything. And then I realized that if they had told me before I was ready to hear it, I would have broken off contact with them. And they were afraid of that. So they played nice until I was ready to leave.

I am so sorry you are hurting. And let me just tell you that even though it feels impossible right now, you will get to a place in your recovery where you are standing firmly enough on the ground that trusting someone else isn't scary anymore. Because if they prove to be not trustworthy, you're still standing. In your own strength.
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:00 AM
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Big hugs, BobbyJ.

I am sorry you are going through this. Someone here has a tag line that says "If you are going through hell...keep going". Feels appropriate to your situation right now. Ha Ha its lillamy above with that quote! I love that one...

I agree with Suki. You don't have to listen if it upsets you. But if you are anything like me, I need the truth, even if it hurts. And it sounds as if all this stuff you are hearing is just validating your position. That's a positive thing, albeit painful...

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers today...
~T

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 05-09-2011 at 11:01 AM. Reason: more info to add...
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:04 AM
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I have had 3 years of un-answered questions regarding
my daughter & husband.

Since he has been gone the last few months, my daughter & I are just now
beginning to talk.

Just now trying to figure out why she cut all of us out of her life.

So as painful as it is, we have to talk about these things.

It is part of her recovery, and I guess part of mine.

I dont want to hear them. But I feel like I needed to know
if he did anything to her physically and not just mentally.

The big (bar) deal happen to her, when she was 17.

3 Years later, she is beginning to open up...

I asked her, why didnt you tell me this before?
She said, she didnt want to cause a fight or be the cause
of your divorce. She said she wanted to, but was afraid.

Mental or sexual abuse, I "NEVER" thought my AH would
ever make my daughter feel that way... I dont have one
thought of my dad, ever making me feel scared sexually...

Im in alanon, and not one person in my f2f class can relate to this story.

I realize they lie. cheat steal....But is this beyond lying? To me its like
a 3rd personality...
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Old 05-09-2011, 02:36 PM
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Anvilhead...Once again, you wrote the perfect words.

He was in rehab the month of Jan. I told the psychiatrist
how I felt & what I have seen.
She dinged him with...A slight case of depression.
I just shook my head.
I have told his family the same thing & asked them to help.
Everyone just thinks its the alcohol.
But he hasnt been around his family for 30+ years. They only
see him 2x in the summer for a weekend.

But I will tell you right now, Im feeling like this is becoming fatal
attraction...
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Old 05-09-2011, 03:37 PM
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I agree with anvil on this one - be thankful it was ONLY 13 years and you are getting out now. This guy sounds very sick - and not just with alcoholism. He cannot be trusted. He has made you sick.

You will have to force yourself to stop thinking and obsessing about him. I physically have to force myself to NOT think about certain things. I talk to myself; go for a walk/run; turn on the TV or grab a book - anything to stop the stinkin thinkin.

Who cares if he is depressed? This guy was inappropriate with your daughter. Every time I think of that I just cringe. I am hoping you do, too.
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Old 05-09-2011, 03:58 PM
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Just remember, his actions are his...his choices, his sickness, you do not have to feel any responsibility for what he has done. That is not your fault.
Take care of yourself. Take these truths as gifts to strengthen your resolve and build your relationships that are worth it, like the ones with your daughter and grandbaby.
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:02 PM
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Not only are you not responsible for his choices and actions, you're also not responsible for not knowing them.
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
But is this part of them?
The lie is the language of active addiction.
Both verbally and behaviorally.

How can you trust another human ever again?

By your posts you trust us.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:15 PM
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It's not wise to worry about 'ever again'
when you're up to the eyes in a crisis situation.

Finding out your partner is a perv is horriffic.
I know.
I've been there.

DOn't expect his family to do anything that even hints
like being on your side
because if they treat this with anything BUT denial
'
it means they had a hand in making him what he is.

They will never do that.

See -
they're not protecting him
they're protecting themselves.

Stay here in the moment.
Stay right here.
WHat needs to be done right now?

Let ever again take care of itself.

Be right here.

I you would do well
to find a support group
of some sort
whether Alanon
or a support group
for survivors of sexual abuse
(believe it or not they exist -
you can find out by contacting the local mental health center)

It reads to me
as if you need to change
your resource circle.

You've had to rely on his family for a long time
and now it's time
to find a healthier circle of support and guidance.

Seeking out one of these groups
(your closest alanon meeting will probably prove beneficial
because =- recovery people are the most 'connected' people
I've ever witnessed!)
needs to become one of your commitments
to yourself
like buying the 'right' lotion or razor
because we can't get 'better' if we don't
take care of the problem right here and now.

I tried to go through my own 'discovery' alone
and it made me crazy.
I'd hate to see you go through that darkness alone.

Please.
Make time for the meeting.
I wish I'd have known then what I know now.

I'm glad you posted.
There's way more of us than you might think.
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