New and Need Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
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New and Need Advice
Hello everyone. My name is Desiree I am 21 years young and I have been with my fiance for about a year and a half now. My Fiance's drug of choice is meth. When we first got together, I knew he had a drug issue but I guess I didn't really understand the severity of it. I figured he could just clean up and we can move along. The beginning of our relationship was very hard. He was using and getting in trouble. Finally he got arrested and forced into treatment. After that began it seemed like things were getting better, slowly. We have recently moved into a bigger home, I am 20 weeks pregnant with his daughter I also have a 2 year old son of a previous relationship and things have been going great, so I thought. Everything smacked me right in the face last Thursday. He got high, he relapsed. Not on meth, but on a legal substance you can buy around here which is pretty much a meth substitute (either way, i consider it relapsing). All weekend we have been working on the issue. Talking, discussing what we are going to do to get past this. Talking about therapy and counseling. Monday - today, things are seeming to take a turn for the worse. He confessed a secret to me that I'd rather not share on here. I don't consider it a relationship breaker and I really am honestly not even that upset about it. However, I am just scared that he feels I might think differently of him now and want nothing to do with him even though I've made it clear that I am okay with it.
Anyway - I was texting my friend, who is also his friend, Tyler. Tyler told me that my DF and him were texting and he told him that I (meaning me) was at his throat (which i totally havent been I have been completley okay with his secret) and that he wants to get high but he has no money and "doesnt think its a great idea anyway" - I just CANT believe after this whole weekend of him telling me he really wants help and therapy that he is trying to get high AGAIN, ALREADY! I am so scared. I have a 2 year old to take care of and a baby inside that needs me to not be stressed and needs me healthy. Of course everyone thinks I should just leave him but I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this alone. I want my family together and I want him to get better but I feel so out of control because he just lies and lies. I do believe he wants to get better from what he SAYS to be but then as soon as its to someone else, he wants to get high.
I am not sure where else to turn. I am at loss. I feel like my whole world is shattering down right on top of me and I am trying to keep focused with my son and work and bills and school and I just feel like he is ruining my life (even though I know that he isn't and that it is my choice to stay) But even if I left him, I will now have 2 babies with 2 daddys and I just feel like ****. Anyone willing to talk or lend out some support would be awesome. Thanks for letting me vent.
Anyway - I was texting my friend, who is also his friend, Tyler. Tyler told me that my DF and him were texting and he told him that I (meaning me) was at his throat (which i totally havent been I have been completley okay with his secret) and that he wants to get high but he has no money and "doesnt think its a great idea anyway" - I just CANT believe after this whole weekend of him telling me he really wants help and therapy that he is trying to get high AGAIN, ALREADY! I am so scared. I have a 2 year old to take care of and a baby inside that needs me to not be stressed and needs me healthy. Of course everyone thinks I should just leave him but I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this alone. I want my family together and I want him to get better but I feel so out of control because he just lies and lies. I do believe he wants to get better from what he SAYS to be but then as soon as its to someone else, he wants to get high.
I am not sure where else to turn. I am at loss. I feel like my whole world is shattering down right on top of me and I am trying to keep focused with my son and work and bills and school and I just feel like he is ruining my life (even though I know that he isn't and that it is my choice to stay) But even if I left him, I will now have 2 babies with 2 daddys and I just feel like ****. Anyone willing to talk or lend out some support would be awesome. Thanks for letting me vent.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Take a deep breath, and a long slow exhale.
You are not alone, and you have found a source of support and information!
You don't have to have all the answers by 3:00 pm today, right?
Then give yourself time to make decisions that give you peace.
I find it best to stay in the moment and do the next right thing for now. By practicing patience, I have found more options revealed when I have waited for the peaceful choice.
Have you considered Alanon or NarAnon meetings for face to face support? I find encouragement and support from my local group. I am able to express my concerns with others who have been throught the same things I am going through. Just like here.
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I recommend reading in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the pages.
Just a question: If you leave you will have two babies to care for, right? If you stay: will you feel like you are taking care of three?
Take a deep breath, and a long slow exhale.
You are not alone, and you have found a source of support and information!
You don't have to have all the answers by 3:00 pm today, right?
Then give yourself time to make decisions that give you peace.
I find it best to stay in the moment and do the next right thing for now. By practicing patience, I have found more options revealed when I have waited for the peaceful choice.
Have you considered Alanon or NarAnon meetings for face to face support? I find encouragement and support from my local group. I am able to express my concerns with others who have been throught the same things I am going through. Just like here.
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I recommend reading in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the pages.
Just a question: If you leave you will have two babies to care for, right? If you stay: will you feel like you are taking care of three?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
I am trying to hard to have patience. It is so hard. I am going to call my insurance provider to see if I can get counseling for myself because I feel like I need it whether he decides to get it or not for himself. As far as leaving and caring for 2 babies and staying and caring for 3 you are right. I cannot disagree with you. I guess I am just being selfish in wanting my perfect family. I mean, who doesn't? Thanks for your support!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Hi honey, sorry you are going through this.
I think therapy is a very good idea. Of course you want a perfect family, but you got into a relationship with an addict. In al-anon, we call this "going to the hardware store for bread" -expecting you can have a healthy relationship with an addict is just that, going to a dry well for water.
Another thing - I was with an alcoholic off and on for 3.5 yrs. Boy do addicts/alcholics talk a good game. They know what to say, to make you convinced they're on the right track; meanwhile doing things behind your back or outright lying.
If I were you, I'd be looking at why you got involved with 2 men who basically weren't emotionally available (I am assuming the 1st baby's father is not involved in your or the baby's life?) Do you not think you deserve better?
I don't know what the drug equivalent of al-anon is, but maybe it's nar-anon? Anyway, I recommend you find it and consider going to some meetings. At the very least, it'll be helpful to meet people who have similar experiences.
I think therapy is a very good idea. Of course you want a perfect family, but you got into a relationship with an addict. In al-anon, we call this "going to the hardware store for bread" -expecting you can have a healthy relationship with an addict is just that, going to a dry well for water.
Another thing - I was with an alcoholic off and on for 3.5 yrs. Boy do addicts/alcholics talk a good game. They know what to say, to make you convinced they're on the right track; meanwhile doing things behind your back or outright lying.
If I were you, I'd be looking at why you got involved with 2 men who basically weren't emotionally available (I am assuming the 1st baby's father is not involved in your or the baby's life?) Do you not think you deserve better?
I don't know what the drug equivalent of al-anon is, but maybe it's nar-anon? Anyway, I recommend you find it and consider going to some meetings. At the very least, it'll be helpful to meet people who have similar experiences.
Originally Posted by Dez2121 
I am trying to hard to have patience. It is so hard. I am going to call my insurance provider to see if I can get counseling for myself because I feel like I need it whether he decides to get it or not for himself. As far as leaving and caring for 2 babies and staying and caring for 3 you are right. I cannot disagree with you. I guess I am just being selfish in wanting my perfect family. I mean, who doesn't? Thanks for your support!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
sandrawg -My sons father is still in our lives and still plays a huge roll in his life. He is not an addict. We were just young when we had our son and our break up was more so my fault than his. He was still a kid and had too much maturing to do.
As far as everything else you've said, I again cannot disagree. I guess I just feel like if I keep pushing him he will eventually realize that he needs to come clean. I am his only positive source of encouragement and I am scared that if I leave him, he will fall back into his old ways and just forget about me and his daughter.
As far as everything else you've said, I again cannot disagree. I guess I just feel like if I keep pushing him he will eventually realize that he needs to come clean. I am his only positive source of encouragement and I am scared that if I leave him, he will fall back into his old ways and just forget about me and his daughter.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Honey, if pushing, cajoling, nagging, threatening, bargaining, etc. worked, none of us would be here. We'd all be living happy lives with our recovering addicts..
Originally Posted by Dez2121
sI guess I just feel like if I keep pushing him he will eventually realize that he needs to come clean. I am his only positive source of encouragement and I am scared that if I leave him, he will fall back into his old ways and just forget about me and his daughter.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by Dez2121
I guess I am just being selfish in wanting my perfect family.
If you want the perfect family, you can have it!
The issue is, your fiance is a package deal. If you want him to be a part of your perfect family, then you have to accept him for what he is - an addict, who will do what it takes to get the next fix, and blame it on anything and anyone but himself when confronted about it. Do you see this person, flaws and all, lies and manipulations and stress, as part of your perfect family?
Sometimes we cling to people because we think it's easier to change the person we have into the person we want, rather than face the fear of letting go of someone who isn't what we're looking for and search for someone who is.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
And btw I, too, felt like I was my ex's only positive person..his only friend..the only one who understood his problems..but at some point, I had to realize he was dragging me down with him. It's no wonder he didn't have any "real" friends..he chooses to hang out with other alcoholics and addicts. On some level, he knows this. He used to make comments about how none of these people would p** on him if his head was on fire.
Does that matter, when someone is in active addiction? No. The only thing that matters is getting the drug/drink, and who will stick around to drug/drink with them. Or someone codependent (like I was) who will put up with the dysfunctional behavior.
I am in no way shape or form telling you you should leave him, but sometimes that is the best thing for them, so they can experience consequences of their addiction.
Does that matter, when someone is in active addiction? No. The only thing that matters is getting the drug/drink, and who will stick around to drug/drink with them. Or someone codependent (like I was) who will put up with the dysfunctional behavior.
I am in no way shape or form telling you you should leave him, but sometimes that is the best thing for them, so they can experience consequences of their addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
I guess before we got together he was a mess. Alone. Living in a basement of a so called "friends" house and doing horrible for himself. I feel like this is what he will go back to and it scares me. You all make so much sense I just have to get it through my DAMN head!!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You might want to do some reading over on our 'Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics' forum:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Children absorb a lot more than we think they do and from an earlier age than we think they do, and what they absorb they carry into adulthood.
Your 'job' so to speak is to take care of you and your babies, not him. The A will do whatever the A is going to do and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. He will either seek recovery sometime in the future or not.
Please keep taking care of you, as without you those babies have no one.
J M H O based on many many years of my own experiences.
Love and hugs,
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Children absorb a lot more than we think they do and from an earlier age than we think they do, and what they absorb they carry into adulthood.
Your 'job' so to speak is to take care of you and your babies, not him. The A will do whatever the A is going to do and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. He will either seek recovery sometime in the future or not.
Please keep taking care of you, as without you those babies have no one.
J M H O based on many many years of my own experiences.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
Thank you Laurie. I KNOW that I am a good mom. and ya know what, i KNOW that I can do it without him, I have no doubt that I am a strong woman. I am just scared ********. 2 babies, alone? I don't know, it really is because all of this was so sudden when just last week it seems like we were so happy rearranging the babys nursery that might have to be moved to a new home now with no daddy involved. It's so sad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi Dez, welcome! We're in a similar boat, I think. These forums and the people on them have been my serenity.
Welcome to my world, sister. I'm 27 weeks pregnant and am figuring out what to do in my relationship with my husband (so I'm not going to offer any boyfriend advice, I have no idea what I'm doing either 
). But I'm actually feeling pretty zen about being pregnant even if we are fumbling the marriage.
This was an unplanned pregnancy, but this is very much a wanted baby. You'll see a lot of single parents hoofing it on their own with children they had with addicts, and they all have a similar perspective: These children are no less precious and no less loved because they were born into addiction. Yes, it's hard as hell to be a parent on your own, and to explain to your kids why the other parent is unreliable or not there at all.
But ultimately it's our job as parents to protect the children from as much dysfunction as possible. I like how Laurie said it:
You didn't cause this, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. The only thing you have control over is your own feelings, reactions, and (hopefully!) circumstances. I'm really scared about being on my own, too, but I also know that I do have resources I can call on if I decide to exit the relationship: family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and yes, social services.
It's seriously disappointing to see your significant other failing at recovery, whether he's trying or not. And lonely. I've never felt lonelier than those nights I lay next to him in bed knowing that I was helpless to change this thing. This Saturday my husband spent all day painting the baby's room. But on Thursday he'd lost his job and by Saturday night he decided the best way to cope with that and my irritation at the job circumstances was to get loaded.
So, from one pregnant lady to another, take Pelican's advice and take your time figuring this out. This is a time in your life when you need to slow down and take care of yourself, your body, this new baby, and the one you have. It helps me to pamper myself with body-centered stuff, so I check out prenatal yoga DVDs from the library and do yoga when I'm extra tense, or take walks and chat with my older child, or I take salt baths (no bubble bath!). I also go to the local beauty school where they give pedicures and massages at extremely discounted rates. When my AH is on an upswing I enjoy my time with him, when he's not, it's not my fault, and I'm not going to carry that baggage.
Good luck! And again, welcome.
I will now have 2 babies with 2 daddys and I just feel like ****.
). But I'm actually feeling pretty zen about being pregnant even if we are fumbling the marriage. This was an unplanned pregnancy, but this is very much a wanted baby. You'll see a lot of single parents hoofing it on their own with children they had with addicts, and they all have a similar perspective: These children are no less precious and no less loved because they were born into addiction. Yes, it's hard as hell to be a parent on your own, and to explain to your kids why the other parent is unreliable or not there at all.
But ultimately it's our job as parents to protect the children from as much dysfunction as possible. I like how Laurie said it:
Your 'job' so to speak is to take care of you and your babies, not him. The A will do whatever the A is going to do and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. He will either seek recovery sometime in the future or not.
It's seriously disappointing to see your significant other failing at recovery, whether he's trying or not. And lonely. I've never felt lonelier than those nights I lay next to him in bed knowing that I was helpless to change this thing. This Saturday my husband spent all day painting the baby's room. But on Thursday he'd lost his job and by Saturday night he decided the best way to cope with that and my irritation at the job circumstances was to get loaded.
So, from one pregnant lady to another, take Pelican's advice and take your time figuring this out. This is a time in your life when you need to slow down and take care of yourself, your body, this new baby, and the one you have. It helps me to pamper myself with body-centered stuff, so I check out prenatal yoga DVDs from the library and do yoga when I'm extra tense, or take walks and chat with my older child, or I take salt baths (no bubble bath!). I also go to the local beauty school where they give pedicures and massages at extremely discounted rates. When my AH is on an upswing I enjoy my time with him, when he's not, it's not my fault, and I'm not going to carry that baggage.
Good luck! And again, welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
Florence Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It feels good to see that I am not alone in this situation, even though I am very sorry that you are also suffering. At this point all I can do is sit back, watch and see what he does to help himself. If he chooses not to help himself, than I am going to have to leave, no matter how hard it is. Within the past 24 hours since posting this I have become kind of numb to the situation. We spoke a lot last night, but it seemed like the same conversation over and over, me telling him that he has to do this for him and him crying on my shoulder upset telling me that he is going to change. I told him I dont want words I want actions because at this point his words mean nothing to me. Like you've said, I have to do what's best for my children because no matter what ... my new baby is coming in September, whether Ben is high or not. He can be high on drugs, I will be high on the coming in of a new life. At this point I do not think I am physically, emotionally or mentally ready to give up hope and leave him. I do not want to make that sudden decision. I am just going to be numb to what he has to say and watch... that's all I can do. In the meantime I plan to get counseling for myself. Hopefully, if he cannot beat this battle, I can within myself.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I started to sound like a broken record w my exabf.
"What do you want from me?" He would ask.
"I want you to stop drinking."
OVER
and
OVER
and
OVER
Until my therapist said, TELL HIM you don't want any further contact with him unless and until he gets sober.
I did, and he walked.
Told me pretty clearly what his priority was.
"What do you want from me?" He would ask.
"I want you to stop drinking."
OVER
and
OVER
and
OVER
Until my therapist said, TELL HIM you don't want any further contact with him unless and until he gets sober.
I did, and he walked.
Told me pretty clearly what his priority was.
Originally Posted by Dez2121
Florence Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It feels good to see that I am not alone in this situation, even though I am very sorry that you are also suffering. At this point all I can do is sit back, watch and see what he does to help himself. If he chooses not to help himself, than I am going to have to leave, no matter how hard it is. Within the past 24 hours since posting this I have become kind of numb to the situation. We spoke a lot last night, but it seemed like the same conversation over and over, me telling him that he has to do this for him and him crying on my shoulder upset telling me that he is going to change. I told him I dont want words I want actions because at this point his words mean nothing to me. Like you've said, I have to do what's best for my children because no matter what ... my new baby is coming in September, whether Ben is high or not. He can be high on drugs, I will be high on the coming in of a new life. At this point I do not think I am physically, emotionally or mentally ready to give up hope and leave him. I do not want to make that sudden decision. I am just going to be numb to what he has to say and watch... that's all I can do. In the meantime I plan to get counseling for myself. Hopefully, if he cannot beat this battle, I can within myself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi Dez welcome to this wonderful site.
You already got your perfect family. You and your kid and your baby. Congratulations!! this should be a special time for you.
Its sad to learn his real plans but I think you learned them so you knew what your expectations can be - he does not seem healthy at all and the least thing you need is another baby and another worry and another stress. Remember you can't cure him, its common for them to make us feel like "we are the only ones that get them" and that is not true. Other addicts, doctors, priests, therapists etc are the ones who can help. Its not fair for them to give us that kind of pressure. My last relation was also very toxic because "I was the only thing that gave the ex hope". Well, its not MY role to give anyone else hope, in that controlling way.
My girlfriend had a seemingly perfect wedding,house, husband, well from one day to the other he did something horrible. They split. I went through the pregnancy, divorce with her. Some things hurt but now she lives in a very peaceful home, her baby is healthy and almost 6 months now, and her baby has given her a lot of strength and courage to move forward. But in order to have all this she went to therapy and realized the man was who he was, SHE was not going to change or cure him, and she is fine and has many people that love her.
I hope you can ask for help and support from friends and family, the less you lean on him the better, he can't give anything healthy to you right now. As for having 2 babies of 2 different dads, well that's not enough reason to stay and suffer an active addict. Imagine all the danger and suffering he can put you and your kids under the influence. THAT would be irresponsible. Whoever disapproves of your choices or your life is not worth your friendship. This is year 2011 not the Dark Ages.
You already got your perfect family. You and your kid and your baby. Congratulations!! this should be a special time for you.
Its sad to learn his real plans but I think you learned them so you knew what your expectations can be - he does not seem healthy at all and the least thing you need is another baby and another worry and another stress. Remember you can't cure him, its common for them to make us feel like "we are the only ones that get them" and that is not true. Other addicts, doctors, priests, therapists etc are the ones who can help. Its not fair for them to give us that kind of pressure. My last relation was also very toxic because "I was the only thing that gave the ex hope". Well, its not MY role to give anyone else hope, in that controlling way.
My girlfriend had a seemingly perfect wedding,house, husband, well from one day to the other he did something horrible. They split. I went through the pregnancy, divorce with her. Some things hurt but now she lives in a very peaceful home, her baby is healthy and almost 6 months now, and her baby has given her a lot of strength and courage to move forward. But in order to have all this she went to therapy and realized the man was who he was, SHE was not going to change or cure him, and she is fine and has many people that love her.
I hope you can ask for help and support from friends and family, the less you lean on him the better, he can't give anything healthy to you right now. As for having 2 babies of 2 different dads, well that's not enough reason to stay and suffer an active addict. Imagine all the danger and suffering he can put you and your kids under the influence. THAT would be irresponsible. Whoever disapproves of your choices or your life is not worth your friendship. This is year 2011 not the Dark Ages.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 17
TakingCharge - Thank you for your post. Everything that you have said makes perfect sense. I guess it is going to just take me some time to get everything through my thick head LOL. I do have lots of family for support, not so many friends right now at this point of my life and I guess that is what scares me most. Really all I have to depend on 100% is my mother.
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As for having 2 babies of 2 different dads, well that's not enough reason to stay and suffer an active addict.
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