New and Need Advice

Old 05-10-2011, 01:35 PM
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What's up with those stigmas?? In my case is about being almost 30 and unmarried and single and no kids. Another thing - I just learned some students in University said I was a lesbian! Where did they get that idea? because I was the only woman in my career? because I used to have short hair? wtf..

For mysgonistic societies there will always be something to shame women and make them feel like failures.
Too bad for them as many no longer fall for it, we remember we owe explanations to no one
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:44 PM
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Dez I am glad your mom is with you at this time. Moms want the best for us... I have learned to be more humble and listen to her...

As for new friends, well you got us now and you'll get more in real life.
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:56 PM
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jds I get it.. are you in US? Its sad to think advanced countries still face that kind of thing. I am in Mexico so you can imagine the Macho culture. Although I see a shift in young women's thinking...

An eye opener for me has been sharing home with a family. The mom and older sister are VERY smart, prepared, intelligent, well traveled, etc. The younger brother is a mess and they allow him to do whatever he pleases.

Parties? ok. Midweek? ok.

The guy brings a different woman every night. Everyone knows. Its accepted. HAH! WHEN would I have brought someone home to sleep with me??

They also have a maid that cooks for him everyday. He leaves the kitchen very very dirty and doesn't give a damn about the others that need to cook there also.



I see where the double standards come....... oh, he also "studies", both mom and sister give him money so he can go out almost every day, drink, go to the beach...


Sad, given these are supposedly healthier women, can't imagine how it is like for other households.
No wonder some grow up feeling entitled.

Sorry for hijacking the thread!!
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Old 05-10-2011, 02:32 PM
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Sorry for the hijack! I do think it has some relevance on the thread though...I think the double standard also tells women it is their role to be a "caretaker" for their men and put the "man" first (people may say that's not the case but the underlying societal stigma IMHO is still around), which can be a problem when codependency arises.
We should give this its own thread, because this is a MAJOR component to the struggle I'm having with the family about this. Is anyone game?
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Old 05-11-2011, 05:07 AM
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Yes my mother has been through the same situation as me. She was with my father, also an addict for 15 years with 2 children. She doesn't want me to go down the same path. It is scary because I look at what she's been through and always think to myself how strong she is and i dont know how she did it. Now i see myself going through it as well.
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Old 05-18-2011, 07:29 AM
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How are you today, Dez?
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Old 05-18-2011, 12:59 PM
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Hmmm, I was also a single mom, pregnant with my 2nd child with an alcoholic, first child with non-alcoholic husband and divorced. In the end, I did not marry my 2nd child's father and I'm glad I didn't. I too wanted a perfect family. Sometimes I think that the reason I wanted this perfect family so badly is because my family was messed up when I was growing up. I wanted the one thing I could never have and I wanted to give it to my children. But alas it was not meant to be so far. But I have not given up hope. It could still happen.

An eye opener for me was seeing the effect my relationship with ABF had on my first child. She was about 2 1/2 when ABF came into our lives. The alcoholism only progressed and the battles got worse and I believe even though I stayed until our daughter was 2 1/2, it was affecting both my children negatively. Even after he got sober.

I had to give up the "dream of a perfect family" because honestly the dream never existed in real life. It was only in my head.

I wish you all the strength and happiness in the world. You will make the right decision for you when the time comes. Until then, take care of you and those little ones.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 05-23-2011, 01:01 PM
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Hey I just wanted to update everyone. My fiance was getting worse over the weekend. It was to the point where his withdrawels were worse than ever. He checked himself into inpatient rehab today. He got funding at least for the first 7 days and we will findout how much more they will fund, he is hoping for 30 day treatment. As hard as it was to say goodbye I knew it was what I had to do. It is just very hard because he is the only person I really have and to go from seeing him everyday, to once a week for only an hour and a half is going to be hard but it is only for the better. Please pray for him and for me and my little ones during this hard time. Rehab is the easy part, its coming out that scares me. Hopefully all will turn out well. We deserve a happy life together.
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Old 05-23-2011, 02:05 PM
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Hi Dez,
Just reading your post, and wishing you well with your children. Please take care of yourself during this time in your life. Your children need you, and it sounds like your BF is in a place where he can get the help he so desperately needs. It's up to him where he goes from there.

I will send positive thoughts your way.
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Old 05-23-2011, 05:20 PM
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Thank you so much. Positive thoughts are more than needed.
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Old 05-24-2011, 06:17 AM
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Dez! You're back, yay!

While he's gone, try to enjoy the time to yourself and do some things that make you feel happy. Baby feels what you're feeling, so you might as well try to bathe baby in good stuff. I've been getting pedicures every two weeks since I can't reach my feet anymore, and I promise to tip a little extra if they rub my feet and legs longer. I go to the beauty college so they barely cost anything, and just sit back with a magazine and tune out. It's nice to get that human touch.

Also, NAPS. I grab a nap whenever possible. Naps are awesome.

Glad to see you hanging around SR, lady!
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Old 05-24-2011, 12:11 PM
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Yeah sorry I disappeared a bit, it's been a stressful week. I would love to do things for myself but I am freaking BROKE. Thought about a prenatal massage but, no money... I don't even know how I am going to pay the bills this month. He was stealing money while he was here so ... I'm really behind now. Hopefully I'll be able to figure it out.
However, I do plan to try and get myself into some type of routine and do some yoga and reading and what not. It's only day one so I am still a little jumbled up. I am sure each day will get easier.

Kinda worried at the moment because he told me last night (he was able to get a phone call) that he will have to be calling me collect, until I can get him a phone card. I guess cellphones cannot accept collect calls and I do not think he has our home phone memorized. Going to try and call the facility tonight and give them my home phone to give to him... hopefully they won't be assholes about it. What do ya think? :\
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Old 05-24-2011, 12:27 PM
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Hi Dez,

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. Have you read any of the stickies on the top? There is a lot of good info up there.

My thoughts on your above question. He will survive just fine for 7 (or 30) days without a phone. Save your money for you and your kids.

I think different facilities have different rules surrounding phone privileges. I'm sure if there is an emergency they will contact whomever he listed as his emergency contact.

Hang in there and check out a nar-anon or al-anon meeting. They are free.
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Old 05-24-2011, 01:32 PM
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Well what I meant Thumper is that he does get a phone call to me every other day he gets a 10 minute phone call, however being he is in a different area code, he has to call collect, so I was just gonna give him a phone card, this way he can call my cellphone instead of me sitting around the house on those days waiting for his calls.
I just was thinking if I call the facility and give them the house number and tell them to let him know, if he calls me collect to call me on that number until I can get him a phone card... that's all. I am sure they won't be jerks about relaying the message over to him.
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Old 05-24-2011, 01:43 PM
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I wouldn't sit around and wait for his calls.......nor would I give him a phone card. Just me. You are broke (been there, doing that still) so why should you be EXPECTED to pay for a phone card? It might be a good time, by not getting him the card, to distance yourself a bit from the whole situation and get some perspective. Maybe decide what it is you truly want or don't want with him. Just a thought......
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Old 05-24-2011, 01:48 PM
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Don't know what kind of financial situation you're in, but I used WIC last time around (and may have to again). They will give you food, juice, formula, baby cereal, etc., and you'll get some now since you have a little one and are pregnant. That might ease up some of the financial burden.

I just was thinking if I call the facility and give them the house number and tell them to let him know, if he calls me collect to call me on that number until I can get him a phone card... that's all. I am sure they won't be jerks about relaying the message over to him.
That sounds reasonable. But I wouldn't bend over backwards to get him the calling card and make yourself accessible while he's in rehab. Hopefully his attention will be focused on his recovery, and not on making sure you're waiting for him with bated breath. You know?
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Old 05-24-2011, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Don't know what kind of financial situation you're in, but I used WIC last time around (and may have to again). They will give you food, juice, formula, baby cereal, etc., and you'll get some now since you have a little one and are pregnant. That might ease up some of the financial burden.



That sounds reasonable. But I wouldn't bend over backwards to get him the calling card and make yourself accessible while he's in rehab. Hopefully his attention will be focused on his recovery, and not on making sure you're waiting for him with bated breath. You know?

I have four children and also received WIC last year when I was starting over on my own. It helped a lot.

I'm not trying to beat a dead horse or scold anyone. I actually paid for my xah's cell phone for a long time because it was on my cell plan and I thought it necessary for him to have a phone when he had the kids. He wasn't taking care of it so I did. Hindsight being 20/20 and all I really really regret that. It was money that I should have spent on necessities for the kids and I. I am much more focused on my priorities now (my immediate family) - and I let other adults do for themselves.

Sometimes a bit of space can be a blessing. It allows us to think clearly and without emotional manipulation or confusion.

We talk a lot about boundaries on SR. Do you have boundaries in place for what kinds of behavior or habits you will allow in your home? around your children? in your life?

I struggle with boundaries so I'm not a good one to give advice but there are stickies and lots of threads if you search for them.
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
But I wouldn't bend over backwards to get him the calling card and make yourself accessible while he's in rehab. Hopefully his attention will be focused on his recovery, and not on making sure you're waiting for him with bated breath. You know?
Speaking as someone on the receiving end of constant phone calls from rehab while he tried to force me to wait for/on him with bated breath, I absolutely agree with this.
Only do what you can afford. And if you can't afford to pay for some way for him to contact you, then don't. He needs to spend his time worrying about his own recovery, rather than worrying about calling you. (I don't mean that to sound harsh. The more time he spends trying to call you, though, the less time he's spending on his own recovery.)
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:38 AM
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I am ashamed to share this.

When my last ex bought crepes, I just ordered one ingredient, cheese.
He would ask if he could get what would have been my second ingredient for HIS crepe.

I get a similar impression here that even in rehab he wants you to keep paying. You mention he used to steal? So it is about what HE gets.. and what is he giving you?

I would not pay for anything extra for him. Due to his problems you do not have his support at this time. Due to his problems you are stressed in a stage where its paramount for you to be relaxed and healthy.

I can now see selfishness and I see it here. Please listen to Thumper and all the others. Sorry if my post sounded hostile, it just reminded me of how some people just want to take, take, take. Its up to us to be done, and to have enough clarity to set our priorities straight. Alanon might give you the company and comfort you need, hope you can get to a meeting, so you feel more supported and understood!
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:01 PM
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Hey everyone. No I totally understand where you ALL are coming from about not buying him the phone card. Well at this point, it's irrelevant because he doesn't need one, I guess his calls are free. As far as just not talking to him at all I really don't think I could do that just for my own self because even though he is in this situation, he is the only person that I really have to talk to. :\ I think I just have to work on being more independent or something, sometimes I get so mad at myself.

As for WIC - I already recieve WIC and food stamps and energy assistance (which isnt needed now that its springtime). So I get all the financial help I can get. His dad also mailed me a check today to help out a bit.

I spoke with Ben last night and he sounded MISERABLE. I dont know if its the withdrawing or what. He already is doubting himself and wanting to come home. He is not focusing like I thought he would be and it worries me. I am not worried for HIM or feel bad for HIM but it just sucks that he may be wasting all of this time trying to "get help" when in reality hes just sitting in there whining and moping.

I have gotten myself to a place today where I am more pissed off than anything. If he calls tonight or tomorrow (whenever) - I seriously am going to be like "Listen here motherfxr..." (LMAO!) either your gonna stop whining about being there and feeling sorry for yourself (like most addicts do) or your gonna get the help that you need and do it positively... and if you DONT want to be there, then leave, but when you get home - pack your ****!" - - - This is my mood right now. This is what I want to tell him. LOL instead of worrying about him I am just gonna tell him how it should be.
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