It's like fishing
 

So my AH still says crazy **** to me that makes no sense. Told me recently not to rage at our son if his homework isn't done, which is bizarre because that's what he does. Not me.

Before coming here and finding you guys, when he would accuse me or blameshift or project like that, I would take the bait and run. I thought about that this morning. It's just like biting on that hook and taking off in the other direction.

Of course the line eventually jerks taut when the line runs out. Injuring me severely, just like a fish with a hook in her mouth, and then I have no choice but to come back to the source of that pain. Wrestle with the hook in my mouth. Try to figure out how it got in, how to get it out.

Now I see the bait AND the hook. I can eyeball it warily, and swim away. No thank you.

Thank you to SR.

There is a skill I learned in Alanon called the Alanon "oh?"...........you don't engage in the crazy stuff......just say........... oh.........you heard them but you will not argue or react.....:)

Thanks. I need this imagery lately and will use it.

I was ashamed at myself for ALMOST taking the bait yesterday when he said, "I paid EVERYTHING last month" to which I wanted to say, "Oh, yeah? You mean everything except the mortgage, our cars--yours and mine, the electric and gas, the difference we have to pay between the tenant's rent and the mortgage on YOUR mother's house, our health insurance, two of YOUR business loans, $10,000 to the IRS, and the credit card payments that were incurred as a result of us moving YOUR mother into the house next door. So what did YOU pay?"

Those words were jumping as if they came from a springboard out of my throat but my son stopped us saying, "OK, it's Mother's Day, let it go."

One of the things I'm so afraid of is giving my kids a picture in their heads of their parents being like George and Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf... the irony is I am a SUPER laid back person, extremely non-confrontational, but I have a special button hidden away that he gets to every time--so thanks--I'm going to try to see that bait for what it is, and as you said, swim away.

Your welcome, Solo. And likewise, I needed to hear your words today. My children are so damaged from seeing two parents-for the duration of their short little lives-who cannot resolve conflict peacefully or respectfully. They fight, all the time, and replicate what's been taught them. Now it's my job to pull my head out of my codie ass and help them.

Your son casually stopped the argument, and you listened to him, and let it stop.
That is more than my parents would do growing up. Once my mother feels the need to start, there is no stopping her, and everyone is going to hear about it.

Progress, not perfection.
You aren't perfect, no. That said, you're closer than you think you are. :)

There's a reading from March 29th in "One Day at a Time in Alateen:" that says the very same thing about fishing, taking the bait and swimming away. It's posted by my computer, a copy by my phone and in my purse.

It's been a lifesaver for me as I do love to fish and get a visual of me as a nice fat bass looking at a tasty bait, taking it once, feeling the sting of the hook and knowing to swim past it the next time.

Great visual. I love the visuals - thank you for sharing. I have one where I actually see xah casting the line - this is a good ending, a good reminder about what awaits if I bite.