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Old 05-06-2011, 04:46 PM
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Trial

My AH's trial for assaulting me is next Thurs. I am freaking out. I am scared, I am anxious, I am going to al anon, exercising, talking to friends and right now NONE of it is helping. I feel like crying, I am panicky and am freaking out.

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Old 05-06-2011, 04:49 PM
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If you feel like crying, cry.
You can do this.
You are very very brave and strong, I know others with experience will be coming along soon.
HUGS from me and my cats.
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Old 05-06-2011, 05:34 PM
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Oh I've definitely let myself cry... I just don't know what to expect and am scared. I anticipate H's attorney trying to make me out as the one to blame and I can't get it out of my head. I wish it was Thurs already...

Any advice?
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:10 PM
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Try to meditate....and do some visualizations where you are cool, calm & collected. Do you know yoga? Do some deep breathing exercises. Pray. Listen to a progressive relaxation podcast. Take a hot bath. Color with your daughters. Do these things as often as necessary.

You can do this WITHOUT freaking out. Just do the best you can and let the cards fall where they may. Practice acceptance. Don't get attached to the outcome. Stay in the present moment.
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Try to meditate....and do some visualizations where you are cool, calm & collected. Do you know yoga? Do some deep breathing exercises. Pray. Listen to a progressive relaxation podcast. Take a hot bath. Color with your daughters. Do these things as often as necessary.

You can do this WITHOUT freaking out. Just do the best you can and let the cards fall where they may. Practice acceptance. Don't get attached to the outcome. Stay in the present moment.

I have tried yoga so so many times. I truly think I have adult ADD bc I can not for the life of me figure out how to clear my head. Running is my respite but I am not allowed to right now since my hospital visit and heart problem diagnosis... So, quite frankly I feel like I have a sense of how hard it is for my AH to kick an addiction to alcohol bc I am struggling without my running fix (I'm not being sarcastic here at all! I am dead serious).

I'm much much better during the day, particularly when I am with the girls. Once they are in bed, the house is quiet, and I am alone with my thoughts-- that's when it gets tough...

I will work on staying in the present moment-- thank you. Good advice. I have gotten very focussed on the what if's and what will happen and I can't control it so I may as well try and let it go, right? Damn this is hard...

Thank you!
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:32 PM
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You can't control it at all. Just tell the truth and ONLY answer the specific question you are asked as succinctly as possible. DON'T offer information, give explanations or try to clarify. Keep it short and sweet and the lawyer will look like he's trying too hard to "pin the blame" on you instead of AH where it rests.
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Old 05-06-2011, 09:42 PM
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You are strong and you will be okay. I get the same way with anything that is unknown. If you have tried everything to be calmer but you still feel like it is not helping then go see your doctor and get some anti- anxiety meds. I have only taken them a few times but they really have helped get me through and to get a good night sleep.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:16 PM
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I had a representative with Project Safe go with me when it was time for court. It really did help ALOT to have the support. The police had brought me to project safe after he went @peshit on me because he took off so I couldn't go home. They found him the next morning and once he was in jail I returned home. I don't know if it would help you or not..but it really was a comfort to me.
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Old 05-07-2011, 03:08 AM
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I wish I could help you deal with the what ifs - I've still to be able to completely stop 'borrowing trouble'. I've found that deep breathing exercises can help with the anxiety. You are strong. You can do this. One step at a time.
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:23 AM
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I thought I was more okay than I am with the trial. With it looming, it's definitely a challenge. Seeing that my marriage is unhealthy and how that impacts my D's and I; that I am having an easier time letting go of than the what if's of this trial bc as much as I "shouldn't" think this-- all that is running in my mind right now is "what if he loses his job or has a criminal record bc of me".

I KNOW that's insane thinking and I am reminding myself of that frequently, but it's the feeling deep in me that's tearing me up right now.

Why did I EVER get involved and stay involved with him? Why didn't I leave when it would have been sooooo much simpler years ago?

The girls are just getting up so I'm going to busy and distracted today-- I hope!
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:28 AM
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WTBH - You are so strong and will be ok. Just try and focus on the truth and breathe. I started to do meditation and it really helps with the racing thoughts.
Anything to do with a court appearance is nerve wracking and normal. I got all nervous when I had to appear at court for his DUI and I didn't do anything. Now looking back it was his lawyer trying to portray is supportive wife to help his case. My point is your feelings are completely normal and will pass. Try and picture your precious little girls in your mind when answering because it really is all about a better life for them.

HUGS to you and keep posting!! We are here for you!!
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:28 AM
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How about looking at it this way..

He has lost his job and has a criminal record because of the choices he made.

His choice, his consequences.

Breath..focus on your daughters, do something fun and silly with them today.

Pray...for the right words, the strength and the serenity you need to move forward.
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Old 05-07-2011, 12:47 PM
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I agree with August.

He has made his bed. He's got to lay in it now.

I, too, had to make decisions that were for my health and the health of my children. And they DID NOT feel good or RIGHT at the time, but with support from my Al-Anon friends and others working the program, I stood behind my decisions.

I am glad that I did.

And I had lots of guilt watching him put the nails in his own coffin, I felt undue responsibility. I wasn't PERFECT either.

But I also wasn't the one abusing my family verbally and emotionally. I wasn't the one getting DUI's.

I was the person taking care of the children as best I knew how, and wanting the best for my family...

When I had to go to court with my XAH, my lawyer told me:
Not to make faces when he talked.
To not roll my eyes in court.
To answer the questions, that is all.

You will be fine, you will do great. Just write down everything and visualize yourself answering questions calmly.
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Old 05-07-2011, 12:49 PM
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I completely agree with ANEWAUGUST. YOU are not getting hm in trouble. You are not jeopardizing his job. YOU are not giving him a possible criminal record. HE IS! If you had been mugged on the street by a complete stranger would you have these guilty feelings?

This sounds to me like misplaced guilt. He chose to hurt you, the police were involved, it's time to pay the piper. YOU have NOTHING to feel the least bit guilty about. The same thing would be happening if the "victim" were a neighbor or friend or some random person.
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:10 PM
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So, I haven't been reading here much lately. Remind me, WTBH, what is going on with this trial date. Are you pressing charges? The similarities to my situation are scary. I remember my "R"AH's court date very well. I am wondering what your particular situation is.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:09 AM
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He assaulted me in Jan. I called the police. The State, not me, pressed charges and his lawyer has tried to get the charges dropped but the State won't allow it.

He's been on a bail order stating clearly he is to have no alcohol whatsoever since the arrest through til the trial. I know he's drank during this time and if I am asked, will say so.

He is in an terrible state of mind right now and even answering the phone to make arrangements about his seeing the girls/pragmatics etc... is stressful right now.

I am ready for it to be Thurs already and to have this done and over with.

He told me his lawyer asked him I'd be pleading the 5th and he told him yes. I told him that I did not know that that was the case and he ought to let his lawyer know that bc I won't be doing so simply bc he wants me to.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:10 AM
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My situation was similar. I had a card with the 12 steps on it and I sat and read in court while waiting for many other cases before me. I just happened to have it in my wallet. This isn't the first rodeo for the judge. They will probably be fair. It is a consequence your A needs to hear. He may get a few anger management classes or something that won't hurt him. God is in charge.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:32 AM
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I just got a call about an interview that same day at 1 pm. That's the day the interviews are happening and I took the interview. So, now I don't know what to do about who to talk to. Do I call the prosecutor and let them know I can't sit in court all day? I'm going to be extremely angry with AH if I have to miss this interview bc I have to sit in court all day.
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
He told me his lawyer asked him I'd be pleading the 5th .
Warning:

Manipulation!

I strongly suggest no contact with AH. He is likely getting desperate, and he will say and do anything to get the outcome he wants. Stay away from the alcoholic!

If his lips are moving, he is quacking!
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:22 AM
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It will be over soon. I haven't been in your situation but I feel for you.

Breath deep and keep reminding yourself that you are simply telling the truth. The consequences are a) his and his alone - a result of his own actions and b) out of your hands. Try not to worry about what those consequences are. You don't know what they are or how they'll play out. I have to always remind myself to worry only about what I can control and about things I know. I get overwhelmed worrying about things I can't control anyway - or things that haven't even happened but "might". If I stay out of those places, life is more manageable.
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