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Old 05-09-2011, 08:02 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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WTBH.....so very similar to my situation.

My RAH got drunk and smacked me when he came home. He was arrested. I did not press charges, but the state did. He and his lawyer tried every trick in the book to get me to go to court and sit by his side in front of the judge and ask for the charges to be dropped. I refused. He pressured me nonstop to be present for his day in court. He said it was what a loving and supportive wife would do. I finally told him I would go, but if asked any questions, I would NOT lie.....I would be telling the truth! He said that was fine. His lawyer had us come in a little early to meet with both of us before we entered the courtroom. The lawyer asked me a few questions....Is he still drinking? YES Has he changed his behavior? NO Are you here today because you want to be here? NO Did he pressure you to be here? YES Lawyer left the room and returned 10 minutes later to say that RAH's courtdate had been rescheduled....he wasn't sure why! Well, let me tell you why. Because his lawyer did not want me, the assaulted wife who was going to be nothing but honest, anywhere near that courtroom. They did not ask me again to appear in court and I didn't. I was in very close contact with the prosecutor, though. I made sure that he knew what I wanted which was alcohol treatment, anger management, and counseling for RAH and that is exactly what they made RAH do.

Do not plead the 5th. Make it clear that if he wants you in court, you will be telling the truth. Most likely, his lawyer will not want you there either after he talks to you. My RAH worked so hard on trying to make me believe that the assault was my fault. It was not. There is nothing to justify a man (who is 100 lbs bigger than I) following me around the house from room to room in a drunken stupor and then smacking me in the face. Nothing.
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:21 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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What you say in court should be filed under "none of his business".

My thoughts would be, that you will answer the questions you are asked truthfully.

You have to live with yourself before, during and after this trial. So, move forward and say what you want to, that way, at the end of the day, you can rest your head on your pillow knowing you said what you CHOSE to say.

His lawyer is HIS, not yours. He is HIS lawyer to defend him for his choices, and his actions.

Call the prosecutor, and explain the situation. They will tell you how to handle the interview.

I hope you had a good Mothers Day...you deserve one!
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Old 05-09-2011, 12:46 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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"what if he loses his job or has a criminal record bc of me".
If he loses his job or has a criminal record, it's because of choices he has made.
I know how hard it is to not take responsibility for his actions (after all, you called the police, right?) but look at it this way: If some random guy came at you and beat the living s*&t out of you on a street corner -- would you be lying awake at night worrying about his feelings and how it will affect his life that he's being prosecuted for what he did?.

NOBODY has the right to assault you and walk away without consequences.
For YEARS, you have been the one suffering the consequences of his drinking and his asinine choices.
It's about GDMN time that he gets to reap a few consequences himself.

And I apologize for my language but as you can tell, this kind of hits a raw spot with me. Because I'm fighting those same thoughts and feelings, babe. And that's the worst part of the abuse they've perpetrated against us. And that's why we need to take ourselves and our thoughts and our emotions back.
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:49 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I just got sucked in and stayed (bc the girls were in bed and I was not about to leave them alone with him) and listened to AH tell me how evil I am, how I contributed to why the girls were hurt a week ago when he broke a promise to them and failed to show up to see them (he told me I obviously snuck out of the house with them early and should have called and told him to hurry up and THEN he would have gotten home to see them as he promised). He told me that his lawyer has asked him to give him any and all dirty laundry on me and that he (AH) will do so unless I agree to plead the 5th. He just went on and on... He told me that the reason he was saying all the nasty things he was, just a day after telling me how amazing I was as a mother and a wife (which got him no reaction) was because he could not take my unstable emotions anymore and my behavior toward him had changed so his feelings had changed. I thought I was going to lose my mind. He was making NO sense... he was smiling as he got nastier and nastier and I am sitting here bawling now that he finally got the hell out since I threatened to call the police if he did not leave.

Thursday was going to be bad to begin with and now it's going to be a thousand times worse. I am sure he is freaking out about it so it is logical that he'd attack me verbally and get me where it's sure to hurt most-- tell me I am the one responsible for the girls being upset- question my mothering...

I hate him right now and I hate myself for letting him get to me...
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Old 05-09-2011, 06:17 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Please don't hate yourself!
You are being bullied. He is still a bully.
He is trapped, about to face consequences and lacking the maturity, or character, or what ever it is that makes honorable people stop, take a personal inventory, and change their behavior. He lacks it. It isn't there. He isn't going to "catch on" right now. He intimidates or terrorizes instead.
NONE of that is about you.

Please make yourself and your kids safe. Love yourself and them.
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Old 05-09-2011, 06:34 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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He is an abusive alcoholic. He will say, and do, whatever he feels it will take to keep you under his control, and under his thumb... and not a person on your own.

YOU have every right to be YOU!

Do not hate yourself. He has had a lot of practice in how to get under your skin. By comparison, you are still extremely new to the art of standing up for yourself and detaching from his insanity. And trust me, he will give you a lot of practice in your detaching, because the more you detach the more he'll try to reel you in. You are getting healthier, and he can't have that.

He is afraid - yes, afraid of court, but he's also afraid of YOU. He's afraid of the person you are becoming, and afraid of what else lies around the corner, because the healthier you get the less control he'll have, and he does NOT want to lose that control.

He is scared to death of YOU.
And he should be. Because every day you spend working on yourself is another day you're not spending worrying about him and his problems, or running around in circles trying to prevent him from experiencing the consequences of his actions.
It takes time, and practice, and determination. There are many opportunities to stumble along the way - just keep picking yourself back up again, and moving forward, and you will get where you want to go.

As long as you keep moving forward, there is NOTHING he can do to stop you, the new you, the you that you want to be, from becoming a reality.

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Old 05-09-2011, 07:28 PM
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He told me that his lawyer has asked him to give him any and all dirty laundry on me and that he (AH) will do so unless I agree to plead the 5th. He just went on and on.

He is desperate! My RAH did the same thing as his court date approached. He would be nicey nice and when that didn't change my mind about being completely honest in the courtroom, he would switch gears and threaten to divorce me if I didn't do everything I could to help him get out of trouble. When that didn't work, he would go back to Mr. Nice Guy. It was crazy (and still is). But, I do not regret for one minute that I refused to lie for him and refused to help him. He did what he did. It was not my responsibility to take care of it for him. I was fully prepared for him to leave me when I didn't lie in court. But he didn't. And actually, now I wish he would have. As time goes on, I have decided I don't want to be with him, but I can't get rid of him. He will not leave. And I am not prepared to leave the family home and uproot my children just yet.
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:44 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Been there in the sense that I am a wonderful mom as long as I am towing the line with AH, but as soon as I let him down in some other area (totally unrelated to the kids) he finds something to criticize about my mothering because that's what is most important to me. You are very obviously doing the best you can with an undesirable situation and I am sure you are doing everything you can to LESSEN the harmful effects of an abusive alcoholic parent on your girls.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:40 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post


He is an abusive alcoholic. He will say, and do, whatever he feels it will take to keep you under his control, and under his thumb... and not a person on your own.

YOU have every right to be YOU!

Do not hate yourself. He has had a lot of practice in how to get under your skin. By comparison, you are still extremely new to the art of standing up for yourself and detaching from his insanity. And trust me, he will give you a lot of practice in your detaching, because the more you detach the more he'll try to reel you in. You are getting healthier, and he can't have that.

He is afraid - yes, afraid of court, but he's also afraid of YOU. He's afraid of the person you are becoming, and afraid of what else lies around the corner, because the healthier you get the less control he'll have, and he does NOT want to lose that control.

He is scared to death of YOU.
And he should be. Because every day you spend working on yourself is another day you're not spending worrying about him and his problems, or running around in circles trying to prevent him from experiencing the consequences of his actions.
It takes time, and practice, and determination. There are many opportunities to stumble along the way - just keep picking yourself back up again, and moving forward, and you will get where you want to go.

As long as you keep moving forward, there is NOTHING he can do to stop you, the new you, the you that you want to be, from becoming a reality.

has to be said again!
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:41 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Thank you everyone-- I need to just accept that even if it means waking the girls and leaving with them that's what I need to do bc last night sucked a lot of life out of me and I can not function at work or with the girls in this state....

He went to a meeting and then came back and was talking quietly/calmly so like a moron I agreed to sit and listen to what he had to say... Magical thinking I guess on my part-- thinking maybe his antics earlier were a momentary lapse and he really isn't an much of a jerk as he acted like.

So, I got told
1. It's "his" issue and he can't expect me to change myself but he needs calm and peace and I give him neither

2. He just can't deal with my antics anymore

I told him I was sorry I made him so unhappy (just to peacefully end the conversation) and said that if we were in agreement about the divorce that would make it a lot easier and that it sounded to me that we were.

Of course that resulted in "well, I don't know what I want-- I love you but I just need you to do x, y, z differently".

I told him I wasn't going to apologize for the things that matter to me (honesty, trust etc) and that perhaps I was too black and white in my thinking about these things but that that's what it was and that the best thing for us is to get divorced since we want different things. I said I was sorry I wasn't giving him the peace he wanted and said that we should spend our energy trying to be good co parents instead of partners.

I think he expected me to beg him to stay or something bc he started crying and waffling about what he wants-- he basically wants the marriage we have had for years. Where he does what he wants, I beg and plead and scream and cry and ask him to change and believe his promises and then the cycle starts all over. He doesn't get and I'm done trying to teach him that his finding peace is all within him and has nothing to do with external stuff.

He wants me to stay and wants to have me around to be the source of his misery when it's convenient and a saint when that's convenient. He wants to pretend he is a good Dad when he spends almost no time with the girls but can keep up the facade of a good parent since I am around to do the real parenting work and he can swoop in to be fun dad for an hour here and there...

I want Thurs to be here now and as soon as it's done I am going to do all I can to fast track this divorce. I want him out of the house and my life except for the minimal interactions we need to have over the girls.

I'm exhausted and drained in every imaginable way and just fed up this morning. Its been a long time since fiascos like last night have occurred and I can barely function. I don't know how I've lived with these kind of go arounds for the past 10 yrs... Ugh. I think I'm sicker than he is to have stayed and kept going around this merry go round for so long. Insane.
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Old 05-10-2011, 05:03 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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if you want him out of the house, why not communicate that to the prosecutor in this case? when i was in a similar situation, the court granted me a restraining order stating he could not come near our home for two months and he had to give the court a different contact address for that period of time.

thursday might end up being a good (albeit difficult) day for you. it might buy you some time. those two months gave me enough time to organize myself to move out...

think about what YOU want. you have an opportunity on thursday...
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:43 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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wantobehealthy, I feel for you but I have learned plenty from having to be in litigation. I think I understand the story is that you are divorced or in the process? or separated? and the state is pressing charges for assault.
I might be wrong...but if custody is not already decided or even if it is, remember anything you say can be used in a future custody trial. So, if you lie for him or minimize this or make him out to be a great drunk...it will come back to bite you later should he file for custody or a modification.

The best advice I give for anyone having to testify is LISTEN carefully to the question. Do not give an answer to a question no one asked. Lawyers do NOT ask questions they don't know the answer to. (unless they are stupid or sure they have intimidated you) And, yes, no eye rolling, no sighing etc., try to maintain composure if they try to put you on the defensive. Never feel the need to guess at anything. (a rape victim I know tried to guess at the time she was raped thinking that was helpful, it totally messed up her defense because she was supposedly under the influence of a date rape drug. At trial, she logically estimated the time....was the wrong thing to say) "I don't know" is an answer. Don't feel you need to help by guessing. If his lawyer tries to cut you off its because what you are saying isn't helping his client. If the Prosecutor hasn't talked to you call and ask them if they can give you a summary of what kind of questions will be asked. Good lawyers prepare their clients. He'll be prepared.
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:55 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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He told me that his lawyer has asked him to give him any and all dirty laundry on me and that he (AH) will do so unless I agree to plead the 5th.
I think that would be a good thing to tell the judge. That's blackmail. And in some states, domestic abuse.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:26 AM
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Thinking of you today (((Hugs))) Sending good vibes your way.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:52 AM
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Wanttobehealthy......

Wanted to send you lots of prayers & support today!!!
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:19 AM
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You have the power of SR behind you today. We believe in you. Use that strength and know we are collectively sending you positive vibes.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:33 AM
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wanttobe,

I hope court goes well.
I'll be thinking of you at 1, that you make the interview on time and S H I N E!!!
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:46 AM
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Thinking of you, WTBH, and sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:51 AM
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Me, too. Hoping all goes well (for you) under the circumstances. Stay strong!
~T
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:51 AM
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Update: AH's lawyer negotiated with the prosecutor before the trial. We got there (separately) and the victim witness advocate told me that a plea had been negotiated and I wouldn't be testifying. He has no fine, the case is "on file" without decision for 6 months. He needs to finish outpatient rehab (but not prove it) and not get arrested again and then it will be dismissed. So, not even a slap on the wrist.

The BEST part? He got really drunk last night and was beyond nasty and I took the girls (out of bed) and left and slept at my mother's.

He tried to approach me to apologize today and I am having none of it. I documented it all, even recorded some of his verbal rant.

I'm downright pissed off at him, the court, how a good lawyer can just make things disappear, AH's quacking about how he was "stressed" and needed to do something to relieve it and I ought to be grateful that he only had a few beers instead of as many as he'd intended. Whatever.
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