Sister72

I am new to this forum because my sister has finally admitted she is an alcoholic. Her life has deteriorated to such an extent over the last 6 years that she now lives alone in a shack with no running water or electricity. We live in different countries and have not seen each other for 3 years. My parents and brother live near her and although they try to keep in regular contact, she keeps them at arms length. Her drinking really worsened when she divorced her first husband of 10 years and entered into a relationship with a guy who turned out to be a cocaine addict who repeatedly left her home alone and started beating her when she had drunk to much and caused an argument. She put up with the beatings as she didn't want to be left alone and even tried doing cocaine to keep up with him and be a part of his world. That didn't suit her in the long term and their relationship got worse and worse as her drinking episodes caused continuous arguing. This guy was also able to get pharmaceutical drugs from a friend and she had access to sleeping tablets and other medication. Not being in her life and only speaking on the phone when she wanted to answer the phone, I have lost touch with how much she has degenerated. She is extremely stubborn and will not take advice. Her motto is : "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" This motto seems to have been pushed to the limits with her and is no excuse for letting her destroy her life. I can go on and on and may add to this later, but my reason for posting is the incredible anger I feel this evening. She has recently admitted that she is an alcoholic but thinks she can deal with it in a week by taking Valium and overcoming the DT's. I have spent the week trying to find local AA groups for her to join even to the point of getting someone to collect her. She has had the number all day and did not call. My brother rang her to check and she sounded drunk, she said she would ring the contact. I txt her to ask if she rang. She lies and says she rang him and left a message. I rang the guy and there is no message. My brother and I had told her during the week we would not offer her help with anything else if she did not start attending AA meetings. The only good thing that has come out of this week is that my mum attended her first AA meeting for family and friends and she feels so much better. I really want to tell my sister that I am not taking any more of her excuses, but worry about upsetting her further. She has previously attempted suicide, the day after my wedding and I don't want to be responsible for more trauma. Do I just keep my mouth shut until she next asks for help?

dreamstones

Welcome to the SR forum, you are not alone, as all of us posters and readers are touched by alcoholism in our life.

After reading your post, it is much like my first post, as well as the experience of attending my first Al-Anon meetings, with a whole bunch of emotions going on out of your concern for your AS (alcoholic sister) and not knowing what to do. My sister is an alcoholic as well and our family has had to watch her deteriorate, recover, relapse, and recover again, this has been going on for over 10 years.

One thing you first need to learn about is the 3 C’s, this is something you will see many of the great friends in this forum talk about. You did not CAUSE her alcoholism, you can’t CONTROL her alcoholism, and you can’t CURE her alcoholism. Once you start the steps to learn how to take care of YOU first and realize that this disease has so many repercussions, the easier it will become in dealing with your sister, whether she is drinking or sober. I also find the 3 C’s apply to so many other aspects of life, you can’t control the actions of others who touch your life, you can only control your actions.

You mentioned that your Mother attended an AA meeting for family and friends of alcoholics, this is Al-Anon. Find a meeting for yourself, as well as using this forum to learn about this disease and how you can help with your recovery. It is as huge a struggle for us (the family and friends of an alcoholic) as it is for the alcoholic in our life, and we have to take steps as well to learn how to deal with the disease. I have to say that I’ve struggled a lot to deal with my AS and sometimes you feel totally helpless, but once you grasp and accept taking care of yourself and what you can control first, it does get easier.

I’m praying for you, your family, and your sister and I hope that you keep coming back here for the support you’ll need, as well as going to Al-Anon for support as well.

bellakeller

I don't know if this helps, but I don't ask my alkie sister questions that she may be able to lie for an answer. I just don't want to hear the lie, so I don't ask for it anymore. Like, I never ask, "Are you drinking?" because I know she will probably lie easier than tell the truth. If my sister starts in on something I think is garbage, I tell her I need to go and I don't offer an explanation. I just go.

We used to be best friends. We are no longer so close and I am grieving that loss. I also know I need to distance myself. Also, remembering that "No." is a complete sentence has helped me protect myself.

Much love.

fourmaggie

Al Alan will help

the 3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure

StarCat

You're not.
And you're not responsible for all the trauma she's already caused, either.
It's her decisions, not yours.

I'd going to repeat the 3C's:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

She is going to make the decisions that she is going to make.
The best gift you can give her is to allow her the privilege of experiencing the consequences of her own actions.

And yes to Al-Anon, it helps me so much, I strongly advise you to find a meeting, you'll be glad you did!

Sister72

Thank you for all your comments. I had read up quite a bit on various forums relating to alcoholism, which is why I had been pushing my mother to join a group for so long. Knowing that she is getting comfort from her new group has made me feel so much better. I have so many thoughts running around in my head relating to my sister and I wish to share them with her (good and bad). She is 43 now and I am increasingly worried that she may not be around forever. Do you think it is worth putting pen to paper and sending her my letter or am I being selfish wanting to get these feelings off my chest? I do feel that our family has not been honest with her about what we think of her situation and maybe she needs a jolt. My father lost his Dad through alcoholism (his father was very violent throughout his childhood, so there was no love lost there) consequently my father has not been a very loving father to us and has refused to get involved with my sisters situation as he knows what the outcome will be.

dreamstones

Sister72,

Putting your feelings down on paper is very theraputic, even if you don't give the letter(s) to your sister, you also have to focus on you. I see many parallels to our situation (even age of our sisters) and I've been on a long journey myself trying to find peace. I know when my AS was in her 30 day treatment, we had a family session in which we had to write a letter to my sister. I think it helped on a couple of fronts, one that she was sober for close to 30 days at that point, so you could let them know how much their addiction was hurting us. The second reason I think we were asked to do this was to help ourselves in dealing with the pain we felt because of her drinking.

I've been writing in a journal this past year, a resolution I made to myself to start writing again. If anything, this has been one thing that allows me to get all my feelings on paper, whether it is dealing with sister or other issues going on in my life. You may want to try it, just to help with your sanity. Just a suggestion, but I really do understand what you are going through and this is a journey for all of us and we have to travel it.

OklaBH

I'm an alcoholic and yes I lied constantly when I drank. My sister cut me out of her life and said the meanest things to me and about me. It hurt so bad. It didn't make me sober up though. This is not a disease that you can save her from without help. Goto an al-anon meeting or sit in at an open AA meeting. Confronting her the wrong way could throw her deeper into it. Trust me. Good luck. Pray for her and love her. Do not enable her, just love her.

cmc

Hello Sister72, welcome to SR.
Coming here is a good first step and you've already received some excellent replies- especially regarding the 3 C's of Alcoholism.

I hope you will try some Al-Anon meetings for yourself and perhaps attend some open AA or NA- where you will also learn more facts about this disease.

When I first started out on this journey of witnessing a loved destroy themselves....I found that by going to lots of meetings- I was more able to accept the kind of help that _I_ needed and I began to learn ways to change my own attitudes and beliefs.


All the love, help and good intentions never changed the other people in my life but it surely wore me down to a very low point. I learned that it doesn't have to be that way.

In my life I've found that things can get so much better when I learn to redirect my emotions, energy and attention in more productive ways.


There's hope and things can improve...at least for you....and hopefully for your sister as well. When she's ready and only then will she even think about changing her life. Until then...we are here for you.

Please check out the sticky threads at the top of this forum page, and the ones in the Friends & Family Members of Substance Abusers too.

I'm so glad you found us.

dreamstones

cmc, this statement you made is so profound and true, you nailed "it" right on the head!!!

coffeedrinker

Welcome to the SoberRecovery forum. This is a really terrific site, one in which you will always receive replies to your questions, and support for taking care of yourself.

Here's my own 2 cents:

1. You don't need to handle her with kid gloves. She has taken a ton of abuse - mostly self-inflicted - and there is no reason (in my opinion) to think that she can stand all sorts of hardships but you telling her how she makes you feel will send her over the edge.

2. You have a right to your anger. Do what you can to work through it.

3. I believe in sending them messages that we are hurt and that we cannot be in their lives (if that is the intent - replace with whatever YOU wish). BUT!
That is not the same as trying to tell them what to do, how to get better, where the AA meetings are, etc.
That is caretaking, and the results it yields is more anger for you, and less ownership (of their problem) for them.

Stay connected to us. There is peace.

Sister72

I have found all of your input very valuable. I am fortunate in some respects that I do live so far away from her, as I can only be sucked into the drama from time to time. I take it very seriously for a week and everything else in my life takes a back seat, then I catch myself and realise she is just stringing us along again, so I withdraw. Luckily I do have a very supportive husband and a good therapist who sees me when I need advice or am feeling low. I am going to put my feelings on paper and see how things progress. Thank you all again for your help and thoughts.

newby1961

I relate so much to this topic. My sister is an alky, she also has a very bad weight problem, and is in a very toxic relationship.

We were not close for a lot of years but over the last few years we had gotten close,:ghug3 till just about 3 months ago and now we are back to not talking again.

I have always been the alcoholic/ blacksheep in my family, and my sister & mom would gang up and talk mass s*** about me. My mom passed away on 6/6/09 so she doesn't have that anymore.

The thing that gets me is, she has no clue how sick she is? She sits up high on her judgement chair and points her finger at everyone else, but never at herself.

I live over 3,000 miles away, but I am going home the 1st week in June and I always get panicky before I go, cause the visit is always so fake.

She isn't talking to me now because she found out my dad had sent me some money and she sent me this e mail that said must be nice, and that's all it said. If she was a kid I may understand but she is in her 40's.

To be honest I am sort of glad we aren't talking, because she has so many negative problems going on, and I pretty much try to live a drama free life.

I will have 7 years on the 13th, but she still refers back to when I was causing havoc in the family.

Maybe I should take some of the advice on here and go to Alanon?

I'll go if you go lol

Sister72

Dear "Newby 1961" & "OklaBH", if you don't mind me asking, do you think there was an event or point you reached which caused you to stop drinking? My "older" sister was always the seemingly intelligent one in the family, top of the class at school and went on to get a university degree. She was anorexic in her teens and then had bulimia after that. She was always a fitness fanatic and obsessed with her body and appearance. Her first marriage ended after 10 years and she moved in with the last boyfriend which is where she started to steadily progress downhill. He was/is a violent man and she has although he was the one to eventually end the relationship, she still hangs on. Her philosophy is: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! She managed to buy a small piece of land with the only money this guy would give her as a return for the money she had invested in his house. She managed to get a small shack built on the land, but can't afford water or electricity. She also started smoking at the age of 42 which was so bizarre and her my brother says she has bloated out so much from the drinking. She can barely afford to live and has now sourced illegal valium in her "stubborn" attempt to go cold turkey and stop drinking. My requests to her that she join a local AA group seem to be met with lies about when she is going and no-one really knows what she is doing as she spins us all a different story.

A long story, but I keep wondering how much farther does she have to fall before she decides to surrender?

dreamstones

Your sister hasn't reach her rock bottom yet. Despite living as she is, this is not her rock bottom. Everyone's rock bottom is different when they finally reach out for help, but in some cases, they don't get that far. It took about 10 years for my AS to hit her rock bottom, after many stints in hospital intensive care unit then being forced to live in street after our Mom stopped her enabling of this.

You mentioned the word bizzare in describing some of your sister's behavior, yes, what we would perceive as bizzare does not register when your first and foremost "focus" is drinking, the rest is the after affect of feeding that need. I would ask myself so many questions of how and why sister can do this to herself, it would drive me crazy. Once you realize it is the addiction that drives the behavior and you can't control how they act, you stop asking those kinds of questions. It is not easy to standby and watch, I would compare it to watching someone drown and you were unable to jump in the water and save them, you could only watch. I believe it is human nature to reach out and save someone, but until the A in our lives tries to save themself first, we are helpless in that aspect, we can only focus on things we can control, which is how we react to all of this.

LaPinturaBella

Intelligence, degrees, whatever have nothing to do with this. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. Rich, poor...smart, not so smart. It doesn't matter.

Sounds to me that she's had self-esteem issues from way back. The alcoholism looks to be a natural progression. Anorexia, Bulimia, Alcoholism are are coping mechanisms used to control bad feelings.

None of us will ever know what or when another will reach their bottom. Maybe she'll surrender, maybe she never will. I know you're worried and you care, but she'll surrender when she is ready to and not one moment sooner.

Your sister, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.