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And he lost his job, so I get to support everyone alone again. Great!

Old 05-06-2011, 06:26 AM
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And he lost his job, so I get to support everyone alone again. Great!

My RAH has been doing really well in recovery, and has about 90 days under his belt. He's going to meetings every day and has a therapist that he trusts helping him work through this. We are lucky because my insurance coverage includes addiction treatment in its coverage so he's getting really high quality help. I'm about 6 1/2 months pregnant and starting to get into the uncomfortable end stages of pregnancy. You guys are my Al-Anon because I live in an area where the meetings are few and far between.

I got home last night from a four day business trip I probably shouldn't have gone on -- my ankles were swelling and I'd had a headache for 2+ days, and with my history of preeclampsia I was very nervous. When I got home, my husband was there, not at work. It turns out that while I was gone he'd lost his job.

While he took me to the doctor he revealed that he's been having panic attacks -- something that has been happening since he hit puberty and was self-medicating with the booze. Now with the booze gone, he's been having them more often and more severely, enough so that it interfered with his work and he got canned.

I'm trying to be understanding. Recovery takes time. This is part of his recovery. It's a setback, but it's the kind of setback we can recover from. I can't do anything about it, so I'm trying not to worry too much. BUT I'm 2 1/2 months from having another baby with a guy who is still unstable. RAH doesn't have a plan on what to do next. While I was gone he did nothing in the house -- the laundry was where I left it, but there was more of it. There were dishes in the sink that were there when I left. I was gone for four days, he didn't do anything in the house, and lost his job?

So yes, I'm trying to be understanding, but in the meantime none of my relationship needs are getting met. I need comfort, financial stability, sexual attention, support, partnership in the home, and emotional stability. Right now if these needs are getting met it's because I'm taking care of them myself. I need to talk to him about this, but I'm going to lose my sh*t when I do between the hormones and the stress.

Help!!
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:55 AM
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I feel like I need to reiterate that my RAH is trying and has committed himself to recovery. He isn't abusive, isn't drinking, and it's not like he's trying to ignore me. But I feel like every time I turn around I am saddled with more and more and more responsibility for the well-being of him and the children while he "figures it out". I'm a tough cookie, I'm strong, and this isn't my first rodeo. But I feel like this is a time in my life when I need more support and care and I'm not able to find it.

We lost a lot of friends when RAH quit drinking (I stopped on my own for unrelated reasons last year) because all of our friends liked to party, and our parents are elderly and don't understand. We lean on each other for a lot of things, but he's not able to reciprocate because of everything he's dealing with.

I just need some reassurance that it won't be this way forever. Because right now I don't know that.
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:05 AM
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Florence,

I agree with everything you said.

It's not forever.

You are being supportive, you understand, and you are burdened.

There is fallout - there can't not be.

It's not forever.

I hope your stressful days are short-lived.
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Old 05-06-2011, 09:21 AM
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Perhaps, since right now you are the one with the job (and you are pregnant), you could mention to him about helping more around the house?

My father used to rarely help around the house, because he is not the sort of person who would realize anything needed to be done, but he's always jumped in without complaint when my mother asked him. Guys just don't see things the same way sometimes, and other times they're afraid to get in the way or do things wrong so they just don't do it.

My XABF, on the other hand, took great pride in never doing anything around the house ("I have never even done a load of laundry my entire life! How dare you demand that I help!"), so no guarantees, but it's worth a try?
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Old 05-06-2011, 09:48 AM
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Maybe your husband needs a talk with his Dr. to discuss his panic attacks. Panic attacks are real and can be managed with medication. You need support and he needs to take responsibility.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:23 AM
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He went this morning and had his meds adjusted for the anxiety and panic attacks, and we had a long conversation when he got home about my expectations and the need for him to do more without giving me lip service about how hard he's trying.

I do believe he's doing what he knows to do, but he's got terrible time management and like zero organizational skills. It's almost like the guy that emerged from the alcoholic cocoon has a teenager's life skills. The problem is that I'm a 30-something year old woman with a 30-year-old woman life and 30-year-old woman problems (and then some).
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Old 05-06-2011, 11:26 AM
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hi Florence...

I've been were you are. Almost exactly. I was preggo when XAH lost his job (again), and I supported our family (him, me, his son) until I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with our daughter. During the time where my XAH was home, he did his best to budget for the family, but of course, there was always money for booze and ciggies, and he did cook (but didn't clean). I was SO stressed out I ended up in the hospital several times thinking that my baby had died because she didn't move. Turns out she was just a real chill baby.

I'm going to side with Anvil on this one: you are pregnant and it's time for you to slow down not speed up. IMO, it should be clearly outlined for your RAH what he should be doing everyday, seeing as he seems incapable of figuring it out for himself. Make him lists of chores that need completing on a daily basis, on top of putting together a resume and looking for work. He's a husband and a father; it is his responsibility to step up.

I supported my XAH for 4 out of the 6 years of our relationship...and I was also the one who looked for work for him, wrote his resume, found him contracts etc. It left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I now refuse to consider partnering with anyone who isn't independant/responsible, financially and logistically. No way, no how.

IMO, it's time to put your preggo foot down. It can be done lovingly, but if he doesn't get off his butt and get moving, the hormones are going to get the better of you and you'll bite his head off.
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Old 05-07-2011, 07:00 AM
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I supported my XAH for 4 out of the 6 years of our relationship...and I was also the one who looked for work for him, wrote his resume, found him contracts etc. It left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I now refuse to consider partnering with anyone who isn't independant/responsible, financially and logistically. No way, no how.
Lost it last night.

After reading and ruminating on this thread, I kept thinking back to this paragraph and the word "sabotage" and the likelihood that this is exactly what happened. I have an old friend who worked in his department who told me that yes, he was a hard worker and they were so disappointed to see him go, but that he's been clocking in late more often than not and had five "occurrences" within 90 days. That he'd called into work while I was out of town and, I found out, blamed it on a "sick kid" (who was with my mother), AFTER being warned by his boss that he was skating on thin ice, I am furious.

I've tried so hard to maintain a do-it-yourself boundary. I won't be the one to write the resume, I won't be the one to peruse the jobs section of the paper, I won't be the one to pat him on the back and reassure him while I'm drowning. (He was unemployed late last year, which makes this a double disappointment.) But in my eagerness to congratulate him on his successes I've let him slack in the Everything Else department. We have no money in the account and I have no idea how we're paying bills this month. A new baby is coming in three months. I'm furious.

This weekend, I'm putting my swollen feet up, reading a lot of the SR stickies, and trying to find a way to enjoy my Saturday and Sunday before going back to work on Monday.

If anyone else has advice or stories of their own, please complain with me. It's helpful to know I'm not alone in the world.
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Old 05-07-2011, 07:07 AM
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Sounds like a good plan Florance.
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Old 05-07-2011, 08:13 AM
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hi florence-

i'm going to try to talk from my own experience here. when i was living with my xABF, i often times felt resentful because he had put us in a situation where i was always trying to put a fire out, trying to keep the electricity on, the car maintained, meals, laundry.

xABF did very little to nothing. i recall going on trips and coming home to the place a mess. it would take me about 3 days to scrub the whole house and get on top of HIS laundry.

as the resentment grew, i began to keep a daily journal. i wrote down things like what chores i had done and what he had done, what food i had bought and what food he bought.

it was eye-opening. it went something like this:

naive: did the laundry, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen floor, called for A's insurance, went grocery shopping, tended the garden, submitted A's timesheet. bought milk, bread, oranges, laundry detergent, two lightbulbs, eggs, soap, quiche, etc.

xABF: came home with a pint of milk. made 150. gave me none.

after a few weeks of recording such details, it became painfully clear that he was contributing nothing except for extra work for me and hassle.

i moved out. it's great without him underfoot.

his clothes are dirty? - not my problem.
his losing his job AGAIN? - not my problem
he's hungry? - not my problem
no milk for tea? - not my problem.

i'll agree with anvil. why bother going to work when you will support him? why bother doing HIS OWN LAUNDRY when you'll do it when you come back from your business trip.

the best solution, for myself, was to let him take care of himself and the only way that i could accomplish that was to get my own space. this level of incosideration and lack of respect will not be sorted in the near future, imho.

mine actually never changed. i had to visit his home the other day (some last business with him). he's living in an apartment that has been gutted, dirty mattress on the floor, flies flying inside, kitchen sink blocked, overflowing ashtrays, old food on plates on the floor, all the rubbish piled up in another bedroom...

try journaling these types of details...the true picture will emerge...

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Old 05-07-2011, 07:42 PM
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He was supposed to be at meeting tonight. After he got home, I tried to talk to him about what his plans were to find a new job. He was really nasty, blaming me for him losing his job, etc., when I smelled vodka on his breath. When I called him on it, he denied it and then blamed me for that too. Called me a martyr and said I should enjoy my special spot in heaven. Just mean. MEAN.

I kept my temper, asked him to leave, told him I would call the police if he did not, and got his house key. He left mostly without incident. Within 30 minutes of leaving he emptied half the bank account

So I set a boundary and kept to it but it feels like ****. I'm so scared of what's going to happen next. I have one child from a previous relationship, I'm pregnant with another one who will be here in August. I'm dead broke and so tired of hustling just to pay the bills. I tried to take a shower to calm myself down but I can't stop crying. I'm so scared and I feel so alone. I feel like an idiot for believing in him. And even with all this crap he's laid at my feet, I still love him. I feel so stupid.
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Old 05-07-2011, 07:47 PM
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Ohhhh Florence, I'm so sorry.....
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Old 05-07-2011, 07:51 PM
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I'm so scared and I feel so alone. I feel like an idiot for believing in him. And even with all this crap he's laid at my feet, I still love him. I feel so stupid.
:ghug3

Aw, Florence, I understand your ambivalence towards him.
I had the same feelings with my ex.
I felt stupid for being used and cheated, because I was the one working>
He played at being a residential carpenter, but did nearly nothing when we were stationed in Germany.

There are people who can help you.
Please try to get some distance from him. He has shown what he will do when cornered.
The most difficult part of my recovery was asking for help, but when I did, it was a miracle chain of events that changed my life and my childrens for the better.

It hurts now, but it lessen a little everyday.

Beth
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:34 PM
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I'm personally not a fan of meds for panic attacks, if you're referring to benzos. In fact, Xanax and drugs like them are similar in action to alcohol. They're very addictive. Does his doctor know he's an alcoholic?

And I've read here on SR that alcoholics can get stuck at the age, maturity wise, of whenever they started drinking. My exabf started drinking at 14 and, indeed, he often acted like a 14-yr-old.

Originally Posted by Florence View Post
He went this morning and had his meds adjusted for the anxiety and panic attacks, and we had a long conversation when he got home about my expectations and the need for him to do more without giving me lip service about how hard he's trying.

I do believe he's doing what he knows to do, but he's got terrible time management and like zero organizational skills. It's almost like the guy that emerged from the alcoholic cocoon has a teenager's life skills. The problem is that I'm a 30-something year old woman with a 30-year-old woman life and 30-year-old woman problems (and then some).
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:37 PM
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I'm so sorry this happened, Florence!! Don't feel stupid.

You're a caring, considerate person. This is a cunning, baffling, HORRIBLE disease. Obviously, he doesn't know any other way to handle his problems other than drinking-alcoholics have all developed maladaptive coping skills. IMO I would've done what you did-told him to leave and taken his key.

Do you have friends and family who could maybe go to your place and help you out?

Originally Posted by Florence View Post
He was supposed to be at meeting tonight. After he got home, I tried to talk to him about what his plans were to find a new job. He was really nasty, blaming me for him losing his job, etc., when I smelled vodka on his breath. When I called him on it, he denied it and then blamed me for that too. Called me a martyr and said I should enjoy my special spot in heaven. Just mean. MEAN.

I kept my temper, asked him to leave, told him I would call the police if he did not, and got his house key. He left mostly without incident. Within 30 minutes of leaving he emptied half the bank account

So I set a boundary and kept to it but it feels like ****. I'm so scared of what's going to happen next. I have one child from a previous relationship, I'm pregnant with another one who will be here in August. I'm dead broke and so tired of hustling just to pay the bills. I tried to take a shower to calm myself down but I can't stop crying. I'm so scared and I feel so alone. I feel like an idiot for believing in him. And even with all this crap he's laid at my feet, I still love him. I feel so stupid.
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Old 05-08-2011, 01:31 AM
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hi florence-

good for you for taking a stand. i know it's not easy and empathise with the split feeling of being glad they are gone and at the same time, missing them.

it would be good to take a few moves to protect yourself now, as he just took 1/2 of YOUR money. what kind of man steals from a pregnant woman with a child to support?

please consider moving the rest of the money in your account somewhere else immediately....perhaps go to the atm and withdraw whatever the daily limit is and do the same again after midnight. change the pin number at the atm machine while you are there.

or, use on-line banking to immediately transfer all the money to someone else's account that you trust...

please consider changing all passwords to any on-line accounts you have. if you are paying for his mobile phone, consider calling and dropping his phone.

also consider changing your phone number so that you can get a bit of peace. i would imagine he will begin the incessant texting/phone calling and you would be wise to spare yourself listening to more of his lies/sob stories. you have a soft spot for him and he knows how to push your buttons.

if you go no contact, you will spare yourself a lot of heartache and also gift yourself with a bit of time away from his madness to get your head on straight.

for myself, once i got clear of him via no contact, the fog lifted and i could see quite clearly how much i had been played, manipulated and used. it's very hard to see when the alcoholic is in contact, they are so very skillful at twisting everything around.

hang in there.
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:35 AM
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I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I went through similar things with my XAH. I didn't end up leaving him until a year after our second baby was born. Looking back, I wish I'd gone much sooner because it only got worse. And yes, he had the coping skills of a teenager. He lost his job last fall (after we were separated) and yeah, I found myself writing and editing his resume, keeping him on my insurance (and paying for it!) because I didn't want to leave him without, all kinds of stuff that I still find myself doing even today (and we're officially divorced!) Keep working on removing yourself from the situation. It'll be hard with the baby but it will probably be EASIER to just take care of yourself and your children instead of yourself, your children, AND him. It sounds like you have your mother's help. That's good, too. Accept help from everyone who offers. I'm hoping for the best for you.
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:54 AM
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I kept thinking back to this paragraph and the word "sabotage" and the likelihood that this is exactly what happened.
"Sabotage" is the word I just used in another post, with regard to my AH who, years ago, sabotaged his job because he didn't like his boss (she was a strong woman who wouldn't put up with his cr*p). He was sober at the time, too.

So we had no health insurance for a few months and I wound up getting a job I hated, getting my four kids to their assorted day care/schools, etc. etc., just as you have outlined. He did wind up getting a commission-based job, which sucked, but it did provide him with skills to start his own business, and during the years he was sober he built it up into a very strong business, but when he relapsed it took a serious nosedive and plummeted him (and me) into serious debt.

I know what you mean about the life skills thing, but don't jump to the conclusion that that means he can't/won't get a job. Sometimes the two things are unrelated. While AH was able to patch together a seemingly unstable work life, it did wind up being his own business.... AND he is definitely the homefront slacker that you described (StarCat, my AH had the same attitude as your XABF with the laundry--esp when we lived in an apartment and had to go to the laundromat. He was "too good" for it, leaving me to hump all the laundry, hang around there on my day off, and lug it back home.).

All I can say is, definitely take care of yourself, as you have outlined. Especially since you're pregnant. I can relate to that, too, having been pregnant when AH was "out to lunch" as a provider and a spouse. I gained only 8 pounds with my son with the stress of having a dual-addicted husband who was coke-ing away our home at the time. Everything you have written is a great plan of attack for what do to (for yourself) and what NOT to do (for him). Stick to it!!

I see through your resentment that you want to support his recovery, recognizing that's it's a LONG road. You can ONLY walk that road with a lot of spiritual support for you, so make sure you do what you need to get that support.
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Old 05-08-2011, 06:36 AM
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Oh, Florence...

I feel you handled the situation very well. You are doing wonderful in your program, and it does show. I wish you everything beautiful in life, because you deserve it all.

I don't have anything else to add, the previous posters have said all the useful things.
I just wanted to give you a hug, and tell you that as painful as this is, you are not alone. You are a strong woman, and you can do this! Even with a baby on the way.
You're not parenting a grown man anymore, and babies are so much easier to care for in comparison.

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Old 05-08-2011, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
He was supposed to be at meeting tonight. After he got home, I tried to talk to him about what his plans were to find a new job. He was really nasty, blaming me for him losing his job, etc., when I smelled vodka on his breath. When I called him on it, he denied it and then blamed me for that too. Called me a martyr and said I should enjoy my special spot in heaven. Just mean. MEAN.

I kept my temper, asked him to leave, told him I would call the police if he did not, and got his house key. He left mostly without incident. Within 30 minutes of leaving he emptied half the bank account

So I set a boundary and kept to it but it feels like ****. I'm so scared of what's going to happen next. I have one child from a previous relationship, I'm pregnant with another one who will be here in August. I'm dead broke and so tired of hustling just to pay the bills. I tried to take a shower to calm myself down but I can't stop crying. I'm so scared and I feel so alone. I feel like an idiot for believing in him. And even with all this crap he's laid at my feet, I still love him. I feel so stupid.
Shoot... I missed this post! Florence, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You WILL get through it--as painful as it is you have already exhibited your strength and resolve--I admire you! (((((hugs))))))
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