tinabanina

So, I just (stupidly) called my AP's "best friend" because he texted me wanting to know what was happening. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but being someone that likes to keep everyone happy, I wanted to keep him in the loop. Of course this backfired and he had the audacity to say that my AP's family and I are "pathetic" and "not helping him at all".

I have never been so angry in my life. How dare he.

I don't care that he lives 4 hours away, he had how ever many weeks/months before he moved to try and offer some of this so-called "help" and he never did. If I remember correctly, you used to encourage each other to drunk until paralysis. All he did was cry about how "he never even came to see me before I moved! Why should I help him.." wah wah wah, he knew where my partner lives, why didn't HE go and visit my partner? He only wanted to be there for the good times, and not endure the bad ones.

I mean fair enough, he's probably smarter than I for cutting ties... but don't act like you have all the answers, and everyone should just know them and be able to help.

He came down to our city a few weeks ago to visit and didn't even ATTEMPT to contact my partner. Excuse me, my partner has a disease, what is YOUR excuse?

What's worse is he starts asking me why I would still stay with him, then I say because I care/its too hard to let go, and then he continues to ask "Well if you care about him, why aren't you there with him now? How come he's sitting alone by himself drinking.. you should be with him, stopping him!".. uh, so I'm supposed to leave him, but I'm still supposed to run to his aid at the same time?! What. The. Hell.

"Why don't you get him to rehab? Why don't you get him to AA?".. YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT!!

I tried to ask him to do some research about alcoholism, to which he replies "I have more experience with alcoholics, than you've had hot dinners.." wow, really? Doesn't seem like it. If he knew so much about the disease, he wouldn't be saying any of this to me right now. He wouldn't be saying anything about his parents.

If he had to endure the verbal abuse and the manipulation, he wouldn't be saying any of this.

If he had see every single day, the way my partner's disease is his destroying his own life and affecting other peoples, he would not be saying this.

If he was there every time my partner was aggressive towards his own mother, he wouldn't be saying any of this.

If he had to sit at the police station to wait, then still be told you don't do anything to help, that you're never there for them.. he wouldn't be saying any of this.

He gossips about my partner's disease like it's news to be spread around. He is not a real friend.

He is so lucky he doesn't have to feel the full effect of this disease. While I sit here every day feeling low, feeling defeated and feeling like I've failed someone that I care about so much because I couldn't help them. He's lucky he wasn't standing there, I would have knocked his ass out.

He baited me and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker... I wanna punch holes in my wall. I let him derail me and I am all over the place now.

So now I'm done with it. Cutting that one out of my life.


I'm really sorry everyone. I know this is a negative post, but it needed to go somewhere. But I think I learned a good lesson here.

PurpleWilder

My XH had a sponsor that once told me, "There are people who get it and people who don't. Don't waste your time with the people who don't." It is really easy to judge from a distance. I think at that point I would have driven this drip over to your AP's place, booted him out of my car and said, "Put your money where your mouth is!"

It can take awhile to figure out who doesn't get it but as time goes by you will probably get better at figuring it out sooner.

And notice he said he had experience with "alcoholics" - not with recovery.

kudzujean

Sounds like it might be a good idea to go NC with AP's "best friend." Why do you need texts from someone who blames you and aggravates you?

Sylvie66

Tsk. toxic stuff... absolutely let this rudeness be his problem, not yours. Only one person tried that noise on me, and fortunately I was having a good day; I could say, 'Well, but he's not an alcoholic.' (Meaning, my ABF doesn't see that he has a drinking problem. I have a problem with his drinking.) It baffled Mr. Rudeness and he went away.
People who personally attack when you're struggling are not people to talk to if you can help it. Now you know he's one of them.

- Sylvie

StarCat

This is why I love all the blocking features that come with technology today.

You are not "falling short." You're not "pathetic."

You are a strong woman, who is working towards a better life, and learning all the skills she needs to succeed at it.


Many warm wishes heading your way!

Buffalo66

This person wants you to do all the work and sit back and judge
It isnt his work, its not yours either, it is your APs work.

He isnt doing it, and this best friend is a jerk, who wants to have good intentions while passing judgement.

Its like a monday morning quarterback.

If he has so many big ideas of how to "get" his best friend into rehab, then he can suit up and get on the field and try it out.

Block this persons calls, etc. He is only complicating an already painful and difficult road.

Carol Star

Too bad since you are both people who care about him you can't get on the same page. This person may not understand detaching with love or enabling. Like someone said some people don't get it. Take care of yourself.

LaPinturaBella

This guy is behaving like a judgmental, holier than thou a$$hat. Don't talk to him anymore. He's not doing anything to "help" so he doesn't need to be "in the loop." It sounds to me like he "gets off" on being superior...so let him go. All he's doing is destroying your peace of mind and adding fuel to an already difficult and confusing situation.