Having a really rough time
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Having a really rough time
this week. Nothing major. *laughs sadly* because it doesn't feel minor, but there have been no run-ins, no interaction with XAH, his family or GF lately, I don't know what is setting this off. I don't know why.
Yes, I'm having issues with A and T of the HALT rule but, I've been forcing myself to eat meals, and fairly healthy ones at that, been accepting invitations to see friends for coffee, kids-playing, etc. I've been sleeping about the same as always (so not great, but better than it was several months ago), and trying to work out being p-ssed as h-ll at XAH and his family and GF (enablers) about the drinking, abuse and past r*.
For most of the day so far, I've been sitting at work today with my door closed while I cry and cry and re-type the same stupid work, which I should have no problem with, because I've done the same type of document a million times. I can't get my head on straight. I can't stop crying. And I can't seem pull out of this. I've now given myself a major frickin' headache....
I met with my T yesterday after not being able to see her for 2 weeks (she was on vacation) and felt 100% better after seeing her. Suddenly (not that earlier this week felt great), but I run into what feels like the emotional equivalent of a sugar-crash. WTH?
Yes, I'm having issues with A and T of the HALT rule but, I've been forcing myself to eat meals, and fairly healthy ones at that, been accepting invitations to see friends for coffee, kids-playing, etc. I've been sleeping about the same as always (so not great, but better than it was several months ago), and trying to work out being p-ssed as h-ll at XAH and his family and GF (enablers) about the drinking, abuse and past r*.
For most of the day so far, I've been sitting at work today with my door closed while I cry and cry and re-type the same stupid work, which I should have no problem with, because I've done the same type of document a million times. I can't get my head on straight. I can't stop crying. And I can't seem pull out of this. I've now given myself a major frickin' headache....
I met with my T yesterday after not being able to see her for 2 weeks (she was on vacation) and felt 100% better after seeing her. Suddenly (not that earlier this week felt great), but I run into what feels like the emotional equivalent of a sugar-crash. WTH?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I know what you're going through. I'm just a couple of months away from having given my exabf an ultimatum about his drinking, and I'm still struggling.
I thinkt he "I feel great" moment and then maybe an hour later, you're on the floor crying, is just part of the healing process, as confusing as it can be.
I get sad, then angry (at him and his enablers, just like you), then fine. Then sad then angry-it can cycle throughout the day on any given day.
I thinkt he "I feel great" moment and then maybe an hour later, you're on the floor crying, is just part of the healing process, as confusing as it can be.
I get sad, then angry (at him and his enablers, just like you), then fine. Then sad then angry-it can cycle throughout the day on any given day.
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
this week. Nothing major. *laughs sadly* because it doesn't feel minor, but there have been no run-ins, no interaction with XAH, his family or GF lately, I don't know what is setting this off. I don't know why.
Yes, I'm having issues with A and T of the HALT rule but, I've been forcing myself to eat meals, and fairly healthy ones at that, been accepting invitations to see friends for coffee, kids-playing, etc. I've been sleeping about the same as always (so not great, but better than it was several months ago), and trying to work out being p-ssed as h-ll at XAH and his family and GF (enablers) about the drinking, abuse and past r*.
For most of the day so far, I've been sitting at work today with my door closed while I cry and cry and re-type the same stupid work, which I should have no problem with, because I've done the same type of document a million times. I can't get my head on straight. I can't stop crying. And I can't seem pull out of this. I've now given myself a major frickin' headache....
I met with my T yesterday after not being able to see her for 2 weeks (she was on vacation) and felt 100% better after seeing her. Suddenly (not that earlier this week felt great), but I run into what feels like the emotional equivalent of a sugar-crash. WTH?
Yes, I'm having issues with A and T of the HALT rule but, I've been forcing myself to eat meals, and fairly healthy ones at that, been accepting invitations to see friends for coffee, kids-playing, etc. I've been sleeping about the same as always (so not great, but better than it was several months ago), and trying to work out being p-ssed as h-ll at XAH and his family and GF (enablers) about the drinking, abuse and past r*.
For most of the day so far, I've been sitting at work today with my door closed while I cry and cry and re-type the same stupid work, which I should have no problem with, because I've done the same type of document a million times. I can't get my head on straight. I can't stop crying. And I can't seem pull out of this. I've now given myself a major frickin' headache....
I met with my T yesterday after not being able to see her for 2 weeks (she was on vacation) and felt 100% better after seeing her. Suddenly (not that earlier this week felt great), but I run into what feels like the emotional equivalent of a sugar-crash. WTH?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
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I so hear you. You think after we have finally made the decision that we will be fine and be able to move on. I am finding it is not that easy either. I had the same crying bout at work in my bosses office. Thank god she is so understanding and went through a divorce before.
Let's start a support group on getting through the ups and downs of our split from our A. I really feel it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in life and there is no manual with it either.
Hang in there sweetie and PM me whenever. I KNOW exactly how you are feeling.
:ghug3
Let's start a support group on getting through the ups and downs of our split from our A. I really feel it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in life and there is no manual with it either.
Hang in there sweetie and PM me whenever. I KNOW exactly how you are feeling.
:ghug3
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
I thinkt he "I feel great" moment and then maybe an hour later, you're on the floor crying, is just part of the healing process, as confusing as it can be.
Honestly, I do not feel like there is any healing going on right now. Just a pile of toxic sludge...
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Posts: 626
I'm about 6 weeks out from breakup with my XABF. I feel you. I think it's all a part of the grieving process. And it's learning to be away from the drama wheel that we were a part of. Having things being peaceful is sometimes difficult to get used to - especially as a codependent. That's one of the things I am working on - is my part of this insanity.
Being a codie, it's hard for me to function if I'm not "reflecting" off of somebody, even an A. That was tough for me to accept, but if I'm going to move forward, I have to understand my part in the tango.
Being a codie, it's hard for me to function if I'm not "reflecting" off of somebody, even an A. That was tough for me to accept, but if I'm going to move forward, I have to understand my part in the tango.
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This is one of my favorite readings from The Language of Letting Go. It still comforts me when I am going through one of those rough times I can't seem to explain.
Hugs,
L
May 9th Mediation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie:
Life is a gentle teacher. She wants to help us learn. The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry, frustrated, confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that the formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand and we have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so EASY...now.
Life is a gentle teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated, confused, angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come. It shall.
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
Life is a gentle teacher. She wants to help us learn. The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry, frustrated, confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that the formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand and we have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so EASY...now.
Life is a gentle teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated, confused, angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come. It shall.
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
L
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Normal! Fighting it myself. It comes on suddenly. I cried all the way home from work yesterday. And today I am almost manic happy (WTH?) sometimes I feel as crazy not living with him as I did when I lived with him.
Luckily, as everyone here says, I am being reassured this too shall pass. And each day it does get a little better. Hang in there!
Luckily, as everyone here says, I am being reassured this too shall pass. And each day it does get a little better. Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
.......
It comes on suddenly. I cried all the way home from work yesterday. And today I am almost manic happy (WTH?) sometimes I feel as crazy not living with him as I did when I lived with him.
.......
It comes on suddenly. I cried all the way home from work yesterday. And today I am almost manic happy (WTH?) sometimes I feel as crazy not living with him as I did when I lived with him.
.......
Hugs, HG
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I met with my T yesterday after not being able to see her for 2 weeks (she was on vacation) and felt 100% better after seeing her. Suddenly (not that earlier this week felt great), but I run into what feels like the emotional equivalent of a sugar-crash. WTH?
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It maybe, WTBH. It just doesn't feel like we really did much but 'catch up' on what's been going on with me. Angry, lost, still just thinking about taking the LSAT or buying a home, haven't done anything about either...same old. I'm actually afraid to bring up other stuff with her because the stuff I've already talked with her about feels kind of overwhelming.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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Man, there must be something in the air. Today was a rough, rough, rough day for me. I swear I was crying more than I wasn't. I'm hurting, and sad... and made some stupid decisions that ended up with my hand on the stove... and surprise, surprise... I got burned.
I'm so sad about the loss of my marriage. I am struggling today with the whole letting go part. I know our marriage is toxic, I know it's unhealthy... but the image of AH with another woman HAUNTED me all day. I know I was a tough wife to be married too... and today I was beating myself over my flaws. It did me no good but chip away at my self-esteem that I've worked so hard to build back up.
I just want to feel loved today...
I'm so sad about the loss of my marriage. I am struggling today with the whole letting go part. I know our marriage is toxic, I know it's unhealthy... but the image of AH with another woman HAUNTED me all day. I know I was a tough wife to be married too... and today I was beating myself over my flaws. It did me no good but chip away at my self-esteem that I've worked so hard to build back up.
I just want to feel loved today...
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Sounds like you are dealing with a lot or at least thinking about dealing with a lot of future action items and some present ones too,
When I feel overwhelmed by action items and future decisions I remind myself that I don't have to decide right now if I don't want to or sometimes I just pick something and pick a day/date in the future and tell myself I will deal with it then or just deal with a part of it.
You may even do this already but what WTBH said it could be the session with your T may be contrasting more with your past two weeks and getting you out of whack.
I know I am getting into a more even flow that I ever was in between my T sessions and sometimes they get me all worked up again.
Hugs to you.
When I feel overwhelmed by action items and future decisions I remind myself that I don't have to decide right now if I don't want to or sometimes I just pick something and pick a day/date in the future and tell myself I will deal with it then or just deal with a part of it.
You may even do this already but what WTBH said it could be the session with your T may be contrasting more with your past two weeks and getting you out of whack.
I know I am getting into a more even flow that I ever was in between my T sessions and sometimes they get me all worked up again.
Hugs to you.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
When I get like this - totally overwhelmed by my emotions - I seem to make it worse by fighting it. I hang in till I can have a little 'me' time and just sit with how I'm feeling. I bawl my eyes out. I punch pillows. I try and let it all come out. Journalling is good for this too.
Remember we're only human. We've all been through a lot. We've made it this far - which is an achievement in itself. We're doing good, one step at a time. We have a right to feel angry, sad and weepy. This too will pass.Be patient and be kind to yourself.
PS Cyranoak, love you too! :ghug3
Remember we're only human. We've all been through a lot. We've made it this far - which is an achievement in itself. We're doing good, one step at a time. We have a right to feel angry, sad and weepy. This too will pass.Be patient and be kind to yourself.
PS Cyranoak, love you too! :ghug3
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
this week. Nothing major. *laughs sadly* because it doesn't feel minor, but there have been no run-ins, no interaction with XAH, his family or GF lately, I don't know what is setting this off. I don't know why.
I know when I am having a pretty good stretch, there is always this nagging thought in the back of my head that I am missing something - that something is looming and I just can't figure it out.
I have to try really hard to work with the idea that I am screwing with myself. If I keep that up, no time will ever be peaceful. If something isn't happening, I will be worrying about something happening so what's the difference? Then I have to concentrate hard on "One Day at a Time". I was raised as a worrier so this is really hard for me. Maybe that is what is happening here?
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Thank you guys, so much for your help. I'm sorry for checking out on you for a bit. I stupidly checked my e-mails and had a fr-ckin slew of cr-p waiting for me from XAH. So what do I do when I KNOW I'm already feeling like sh-t on a hot sidewalk? Yep, I read them. Each one. How incredibly stupid can a person be? Right?
I responded to one - telling him to stop contacting me about stuff not directly related to DS (harassing me about taking all his money for child support is not contact about DS, right?) and to check his texts before hitting send, I do not appreciate getting texts from him saying he loves me, when I'm sure they're meant for GF (note: our names are not remotely similar, nor are our phone numbers).
It all pushed me over the edge. I ended up making myself completely sick - my head felt like some one was drilling a piece of rebar through from each side to the other, I constantly felt like I was going to puke.... Not sure if it was simple nausea or because of the intense pain..... And yet, I went through my whole old routine: found the hockey stick and put it by my bed, closed and locked the window, hid my purse under the bed, charged my cell phone and hid it under my pillow, placed the land line phone in reach along with my pepper spray.... Pile on top of this the intense feeling of "I'm not a good mom because I'm letting this get to me and what would I do with DS if I was not living at my sister's and had this fear and pain debilitate me?" Yesterday hurt more than any day has in a long, long time.
Today, I'm ANGRY. I'm tired of this. I understand the court does not feel it has to protect me because XAH wasn't physically violent (tell me how r*, even if the victim is his wife, is not physically violent?!) because they feel DS needs a relationship with this man. And, yes, DS does need to know his father, but in a safe environment. The protections that the court put in place to protect DS are not working - cannot be working because XAH is still engaging in the same abusive behavior that he always has and is suffering no consequences. Am I missing something here? Is it OK for XAH to continue verbally and emotionally abusing me and can he still be a good dad while he does this? I don't think so.
XAH is blaming me for his only working part time. And yet, with only a part time schedule he is not taking the court ordered abuser's counselling....
The court was afraid he'd teach DS the same abusive behavior. The visit supervisors are supposed to be reporting when XAH engages in abusive behavior or drinks. If they're not doing it for one, what's to say they'll do it for the other? AND if GF reports it, she's in line for the same treatment from him, so why would she?
The last time we (my sister and I) picked up DS from an overnight visit, they didn't know where he was. XAH went into the house to look in his bedroom and DS came running from the neighbor's yard.
No, this is NOT working. I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO LIVE IN FEAR OF THIS MAN. I'm mad as hll. I'm printing out the e-mails. I'm searching for information on 3rd (unrelated to XAH) parties who manage supervised visits even if it costs money. I have an appointment with the attorney who handled my divorce on Monday. I'm considering telling XAH, that from NOW ON all pick ups and drop offs will be handled in front of the police station.
The urge that I had in the past to run from this man is (momentarily?) gone. Today, I'm ready to plant my feet, lift my chin and stand up to keep myself and DS safe. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, because I need this feeling to last! And I'm so afraid that it will pass and I'll be ready to run again.
Thank you again, guys / gals. I love you all so much, you know that right?
I responded to one - telling him to stop contacting me about stuff not directly related to DS (harassing me about taking all his money for child support is not contact about DS, right?) and to check his texts before hitting send, I do not appreciate getting texts from him saying he loves me, when I'm sure they're meant for GF (note: our names are not remotely similar, nor are our phone numbers).
It all pushed me over the edge. I ended up making myself completely sick - my head felt like some one was drilling a piece of rebar through from each side to the other, I constantly felt like I was going to puke.... Not sure if it was simple nausea or because of the intense pain..... And yet, I went through my whole old routine: found the hockey stick and put it by my bed, closed and locked the window, hid my purse under the bed, charged my cell phone and hid it under my pillow, placed the land line phone in reach along with my pepper spray.... Pile on top of this the intense feeling of "I'm not a good mom because I'm letting this get to me and what would I do with DS if I was not living at my sister's and had this fear and pain debilitate me?" Yesterday hurt more than any day has in a long, long time.
Today, I'm ANGRY. I'm tired of this. I understand the court does not feel it has to protect me because XAH wasn't physically violent (tell me how r*, even if the victim is his wife, is not physically violent?!) because they feel DS needs a relationship with this man. And, yes, DS does need to know his father, but in a safe environment. The protections that the court put in place to protect DS are not working - cannot be working because XAH is still engaging in the same abusive behavior that he always has and is suffering no consequences. Am I missing something here? Is it OK for XAH to continue verbally and emotionally abusing me and can he still be a good dad while he does this? I don't think so.
XAH is blaming me for his only working part time. And yet, with only a part time schedule he is not taking the court ordered abuser's counselling....
The court was afraid he'd teach DS the same abusive behavior. The visit supervisors are supposed to be reporting when XAH engages in abusive behavior or drinks. If they're not doing it for one, what's to say they'll do it for the other? AND if GF reports it, she's in line for the same treatment from him, so why would she?
The last time we (my sister and I) picked up DS from an overnight visit, they didn't know where he was. XAH went into the house to look in his bedroom and DS came running from the neighbor's yard.
No, this is NOT working. I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO LIVE IN FEAR OF THIS MAN. I'm mad as hll. I'm printing out the e-mails. I'm searching for information on 3rd (unrelated to XAH) parties who manage supervised visits even if it costs money. I have an appointment with the attorney who handled my divorce on Monday. I'm considering telling XAH, that from NOW ON all pick ups and drop offs will be handled in front of the police station.
The urge that I had in the past to run from this man is (momentarily?) gone. Today, I'm ready to plant my feet, lift my chin and stand up to keep myself and DS safe. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, because I need this feeling to last! And I'm so afraid that it will pass and I'll be ready to run again.
Thank you again, guys / gals. I love you all so much, you know that right?
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Rough weekend. XAH showed up on the doorstep and stood there until DS opened the door without ringing the doorbell. He came to the door instead of XFIL, who, recall is 'too old to get out of the car.' He was just going to take DS06 without a word. I didn't know he was there, so I nearly walked into him as I came upstairs. He stood in the open door and let my cat run out. He wouldn't step back from the door so I could chase Sasuke. When they got in the car to leave, they made it as far as the next-door neighbor's house, where XFIL got out of the car and walked up the driveway to the door there to talk to our neighbor.
Another rough day. Met with my lawyer and she said there wasn't enough for the court to consider changing anything. Not the visitation orders, not the no contact order. I walked into her office with a stack of e-mails and notes an inch thick. She said I could file a motion stating that XAH has violated the NC, but the judge would just yell at XAH for not following the order and nothing would change.
She said I 'started it' on one email exchange where XAH berated me for taking all his money and accusing me of being the reason he's only working part-time because I'd sent him the information on the medical bills - as I'm required by court order to do, and which he is required to pay 1/2 of, which of course, he's not. All I said in my e-mail to him, was here are the bills...
She also said not to use the police station as the exchange place because it would be hard/confusing/scary for DS. It apparently doesn't matter that XAH scares me. He hadn't physically hurt DS or me so it's unnecessary.
So it really feels like XAH gets to keep on getting away with his cr-p and there's nothing I can do.... Keep journalling....... yeah it did a lot of good this time....
Another rough day. Met with my lawyer and she said there wasn't enough for the court to consider changing anything. Not the visitation orders, not the no contact order. I walked into her office with a stack of e-mails and notes an inch thick. She said I could file a motion stating that XAH has violated the NC, but the judge would just yell at XAH for not following the order and nothing would change.
She said I 'started it' on one email exchange where XAH berated me for taking all his money and accusing me of being the reason he's only working part-time because I'd sent him the information on the medical bills - as I'm required by court order to do, and which he is required to pay 1/2 of, which of course, he's not. All I said in my e-mail to him, was here are the bills...
She also said not to use the police station as the exchange place because it would be hard/confusing/scary for DS. It apparently doesn't matter that XAH scares me. He hadn't physically hurt DS or me so it's unnecessary.
So it really feels like XAH gets to keep on getting away with his cr-p and there's nothing I can do.... Keep journalling....... yeah it did a lot of good this time....
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