lillamy

alcoholics, alcohol, having to live with it and deal with it every effing day -- if it's not the X, it's As I work with or socialize with.

And to top it off, I got an invitation to a fundraiser for the local organization that supports victims of domestic abuse: A wine tasting.

That's rich, given that over 90% of the crime committed in my area is alcohol-related -- and I'd guess the rate is even higher when it comes to domestic violence.

The cognitive dissonance is just too big for me. Give me a big pillow and an endless pot of tea. And a blankie to put over my head for a while. Please.

Hollyanne

Fantastic Anvil! lol!
To Lilamy, How effed up is that? Idiots! Tell them!

GettingBy

Awe Anvil... that makes me miss my babies at that age!!! Look at those chubby little baby legs, feet and hands!!!

And Lillamy... it never ceases to amaze me how EVERY fundraising dinner I go to seems to be centered around drinking! WTF?!?! I'm involved in the Children's Consortium... let's get together and drink and raise money for abused/neglected children! Really people?!?!?!

sandrawg

I know what you mean. It's a crazy epidemic and it makes me wonder - why the *(*@(*# doesn't anyone focus on it? Why is there not a Presidents' Task Force on alcoholism?

Why is it ok for people to click "LIKE" when a Facebook friend of mine--someone I knew as an alcoholic 20 yrs ago who miraculously is still alive -- goes on a bender, and posts gobbledygook nonsense messages on his FB wall--something I consider truly tragic and sad? And these other people act like it's a big joke??? Yeah, someone is killing himself slowly-COOL!!!

And tomorrow night is Cinco de Mayo. God, I hated alcohol-focused holidays when I was dating my exabf. There was always an argument. He just HAD to go to the bar, no matter what-St Patty's day, Cinco de MAyo, July 4th..ugh.

Yknow why alcoholism is the silent epidemic-there's too much money in it. I'm sorry if I sound cynical. I think about why my ex never had any extra money. Cuz he was blowing it at the bar left and right. God am I glad I'm not part of that anymore.

laurie6781

Be grateful you don't live in Southern NM 50 miles from the Mexican border and 50 miles from El Paso TX.

Sheesh not only will they start TONIGHT but it will go through the WEEKEND and yes through Mother's day.

Only place I have to go the rest of this week is tomorrow morning to the Pain Clinic for an epidural in my spine and then on Sunday to my daughter's who lives 6 blocks away, roflmao Other than that, I am home to stay until Monday for sure.

I do understand honest. When I was practicing my alcoholism all those years, on 'drinking holidays' I usually stayed home, though, why? because I and my alcoholic buddies called those AMATEUR NIGHTS, go figure.

Our DV center stopped those kinds of 'fund raisers' at least 15 years ago and now has Arts and Crafts shows and Bizarres where vendors display their goods, pay a booth rent and a % of their sales. The other DV center here in town, run by a local Church uses yards, and donations, and a thrift store to help fund theirs.

I also believe at least for me, that I became much more aware of how much our society relies on alcohol for so many things after my sobriety and my issues with other A's in my life. Before then, like many I was blissfully ignorant just how much alcohol is used in this country for so many 'fund raising' events, etc.

Anvil you forgot the teapot and the cup of tea, roflmao but that pic is PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Alone22

Oh I hear ya... crazy isn't it. And if it isn't a fundraiser, it is part of a TV show. Seems like just about everything I have been watching lately has something to do with alcohol or an alcoholic. Talk about the big elephant in the room with AH.

lillamy

Oh I am LOVING that blankie picture!!!! ((((hugs)))) Now I want a blankie AND a baby to snuggle!!!

I've boycotted a fundraiser at my kids school for years because they hold it at a restaurant in order to be able to serve wine.

TakingCharge999

I agree and I am fed up with it and with many other things!!!!!!!

laure imagine being IN Mexico.. LOL...

My only answer to you is : earplugs. The best invention of mankind.

I would love to be a hermit, go live in a mountain far away from noise. I can't STAND loud noises much less full of drunken people. I wish I was born in, say, Greenland...

And yes everything is about money.. money for bar owners, beer companies...over here a large beer company is owned by a WOMAN and supposedly we have to be proud because she is one of the few women making good figures. Poisoning people? proud?

Pass the blanket to put over my head!!!! LOL

sandrawg

Let's all get under the blanket! LOL

Tuffgirl

I want to come too!

I am sick to death of alcoholism...sick of having to live it...hear about it...be around it...be affected by it...worry about having my own drink (am I an alcoholic?) hiding it from the RAH in the new house (YES I KNOW THAT IS EFFED UP) because I don't want him to give me a hard time for having a 6 pack in my fridge.

Driving around watching others for those little tell-tale signs of swerving and wobbling in their lanes. Drunk drivers!

Lillamy - I worked that fundraiser once. Got to walk around holding a spit bucket which stayed miraculously empty - go figure! We've talked a lot about this very issue in public health arena's, and one association quit having alcohol at its annual member dinner.

My favorite event for watching drinkers go hog wild is the Beer and Barley Wine festival. I only went to that once - some guy puked on my boots - that did me in.

Today is a day I wish I had never stepped on this crazy train.

StarCat

Yay! There's a use for one of XABF's "collections." Who wants a blanket? I've got at least seven sofa throws around here somewhere (just don't take the cat-hair covered one Peaches has claimed for her own).

What are they thinking, an alcoholic fundraiser? Either they don't think, or they're trying to be really sneaky and get at least half of their money from the abusive men themselves.

There are way too many alcohol-centric "holidays" anymore... New Year's Eve, Saint Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo... I never realized how much revolved around alcohol until XABF came around. Not that he went out and partied on those days - New Year's Eve was typically a non-drinking day for him, at home or out - but I was way more sensitive to it.
I will say that there's a Murder Mystery outfit up this way (they partner with restaurants to have Murder Mystery Dinner Theaters), their actors are pretty decent but I don't particularly care to attend their events because they're always using comments like, "This play will be a lot more fun if you order more wine." They really push the alcohol, and heaven forbid you attend on a night close to one of the major drinking holidays, you won't be able to hear the plot over the drunks, who are constantly interrupting the actors.

It's a shame. But restaurants and bars can make sometimes 2,000% profit off a bottle of cheap liquor, and profits always come first.
*sigh*

Ponder

AMEN!!! I got told an alcoholic "joke" tonight, in the past before living with one, it might have been funny. Now? Not one bit funny, I found it sad and pathetic.

Babyblue

Great thread.

I was invited to a beer food and art show by a friend of mine who is a sad alcoholic. It is amazing he is alive. He is a sweet man but his body is ravaged and his dad died from the disease. So he is part of the show because he is an artist. I want to go to support his work but I now get a real response when people drink around me. I know how destructive it can be and its affects on someone I love.

p.s. TakingCharge.. interestingly enough Cinco De Mayo is not a major alcohol fest in Mexico. It is more of an ameri/mex thing. My mom is from there and was puzzled as to why it was so huge here. Just an excuse to have a party I guess.

lillamy

Yeah, someone sent me a "funny" that a kid had written in school when told to write a short essay about a particular subject (about 2nd grade). This kid had written something like "I really don't care about farm animals because my dad is always drunk and yelling at my mom and hitting me and my sister just found out she's pregnant." My friend thought it was hilarious. I cried.

TakingCharge999

Aww that's so sad lillamy...

XABF watched a SouthPark episode with really thin black characters supposedly African children... and he found it FUNNY. I was shocked.

Lack of humanity and empathy is shocking and I don't want anyone like that in my life....... sheesh..
Thanks for this thread.

lillamy

I have to remind myself, though, that there was a time when I was ignorant of the destruction alcoholism causes. I thought alcoholics were those homeless unkempt guys panhandling on streetcorners. I thought alcoholism was a sh(tty deal for the alcoholic, but that the alcoholic who drank up the family savings sort of died with my great grandfather (who did exactly that).

I'm thinking that if that generation had been a little less stoic and a little more open about their struggles, we might not have forgotten in two generations (of teetotallers in my family) what alcohol can do.

And on the other hand, also, I'm glad that there are people for whom alcohol is just an addition to a festive occasion, not The Main Event. I'm realizing that I'm somehow grieving that I'll never be that person again; that alcohol for me will always be something scary and negative (like Tuffgirl said -- on the rare occasions I have a drink, it's always a big effing deal in my head).

Anyway -- thanks for helping me vent and rant about this.

sandrawg

You're reminding me that some of the stuff my exabf found funny, was really disturbing. I remember feeling a little put off by some of it.

Yknow another thing- he never cried. I probably bawled my eyes out about 50 or more times during our relationship-I never once saw him even come close to crying.

TakingCharge999

Maybe give it more time lillamy, I thought the same but now I am able to go out, enjoy, and not 'go there' mentally at all... I was not even planning or working towards this... one night I just wanted to get out back to my normal word where people drink socially and where others are like me, that they may be a little tipsy but would NEVER be rude, NEVER insist on driving, NEVER punch anyone, NEVER abuse anyone in any way.. just have some fun, dance, laugh... get back home safely.

TakingCharge999

Oh oh - XABF cried one night when we were sharing some "secrets"

By now I am not sure if it was sincere. Maybe it was during his Jekyll times when he still had a heart. That guy had NOTHING to do with the jerk I see today. What incredible madness this is. But my gut tells me he has suffered. His mother died a few years ago. Having dinner with his family reminded me of my own family/ small talk, things going on below the surface. OHHH lightbulb moment... he also hated his dad... maybe that was something else that attracted me to him, he felt abandoned by both his parents... his mom died and according to him his dad was a loser and spent all the time away with his GF (evasion?). Aha! he learned evasion from his dad... and me, well my dad left when I was 3 and I saw him/lived with him very erratically... and he also spent and spends all his time with his wife, treats us as 2nd place. (OHHHH similar feeling to being with an alcoholic!! NEVER feeling like #1 priority)

And my mom well she is alive, I am thankful to her, love her, etc. but she has battled depression and I have felt abandoned by her for many years when she was unable to help herself and didn't take care of my sister or me very much.

No wonder our emptiness inside matched perfectly.

This is giving me some kind of compassion towards him. Thanks... funny, I hadn't realized how similar our backgrounds were....


Some enlightened part of me remembers the Jekyll and hopes he gets better........ but I am still angry and resentful... so much to work with. I have been able to grasp the dimensions of my pain, and how I have "acted out" in many self destructive ways...... in the end its just the same with alcoholics, self hatred, slow self destruction. And I agree most of it was subconscious and I was not out to harm anyone intentionally, I was just in a really BAD place, unable to give anything good.

I feel I am getting slightly more room in my heart for compassion after this post. Thanks so much.
Now I feel sad as I remembered the one he was so maybe I'll cry a little. Oh well. I can only do so much and yes we did have some good times.

Crying is healing. I am glad I am a woman and at least get to cry whenever I feel like it. A therapist had told me that even crying I felt badly, and to imagine how it is like for some males, that can't have that healthy release of their emotions... (at least not in the macho culture I live in where "boys don't cry")

lillamy

TakingCharge, that is one of the hardest things, isn't it? Acknowledging the good in the A. My AXH has always given 10% or more of his income to charities. He won't give money to homeless people, but he often takes homeless people to McDonalds (thinking that they might not only need food but also someone who listens to them, just human interaction). He donates money to shelter for abused women.

So when he was being abusive to me, he was ridiculing me for thinking I was abused. After all, he never beat me. And he couldn't really be that bad of an alcoholic, because he had a job and a home and a family. He wasn't like those homeless guys he takes out for lunch.

He would cry watching people in pain on TV. He'd love to have a job where he fights for the poor, the downtrodden, the orphan and the widow. He just doesn't see his behavior in that light. I have often wondered if his mother drank while she was pregnant, because a lot of his behaviors (including the rigid strict rules for the rest of humanity and the complete inability to rationally judge his own behaviors according to those same rules) look a lot like the fetal alcohol syndrom youth I've met. *sigh* (There we have it again. Alcohol.)