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Emotional Robot?!

Old 05-05-2011, 07:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Here's what it sounds like to me... like you want him to acknowledge that your relationship has been hard on you. Hard, hard, hard, and difficult. You want him to acknowledge that -- from his perspective of being sober. You want him to get to "making amends" and sort of give you your due. Let you know how much he appreciates the emotional hardship you have gone through.

And he's not there yet. And it hurts. And because you're Tuffgirl and you have to keep going because there's so much logistical and other bs to deal with -- you don't get sad, you get mad.

Am I close? (((hugs)))
I don't know how Tuffgirl feels but this sure is close to home for where I have been for a long time -- right now I am not feeling I am there but I know it wouldn't take much for me to get back there-- this is a good analysis and quite applicable to me. I don't mean to hijack Tuffgirls thread but wanted to thank you for saying this so clearly-- it helped me!
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Old 05-05-2011, 09:48 AM
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i think it helps to remember that often when the addict/alcoholic is saying "I just want you/me/us to be happy" that's code for:
I want you to shut up and get off my back and just let me do whatever I want without any consequences - go knit something and leave me alone!"
YES!!! OMG, yes! Thank you for this!
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Old 05-05-2011, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
But what I did hear was these two things:
1. He is NOT RESPONSIBLE for my feelings.
2. He does NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS.
Can you try flipping that around to

1. I am not responsible for his feelings
2. I do not have to justify my actions
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Old 05-05-2011, 05:49 PM
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Anvil - good one!

Thanks again all...I have successfully returned to the place of happy not-caring. I think I just went shopping at the hardware store for bread and got frustrated and instead of taking a walk or doing something else, I picked up the phone and tried to reason with an alcoholic. So technically...momentarily fell off the codie wagon. I need to leave him alone - those conversations are pointless and I do know better.



He did apologize - via text message - about losing his temper and cussing at me.

Ya know what is funny at this point? I don't want amends. I don't need to be acknowledged for how hard it was for me...I just want to feel some sort of connection with this man who is my husband. Something I have not had for a long time and yet I still seek it. I know it will take a long time for him to really "recover" and learn some new ways of doing things. I just miss him - the guy I used to know - before alcohol snuck in and kicked him in the ass. I miss that guy.
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Old 05-05-2011, 07:42 PM
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Old 05-05-2011, 09:53 PM
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Old 05-06-2011, 11:00 AM
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Oh jeeze it didn't end...

I got home late last night from a day trip up north to find another huge pile of my things dumped in my garage.

This time I let him have it - and changed the code on the garage key pad.

Four solid months of having access to "his" house (of course, it was always HIS house) and I never touched anything that wasn't mine. In the course of 4 days, he gathered everything that was left and just dumped it in a pile in my garage. He did have the courtesy of hanging up the $400 prom dress that was in my daughter's room, awaiting a proper dress bag. But he hung it right over an open box of used oil cans that the seller left.

What is left today? A stack of books and some antique glass that needs to be hand packed and carried. I told him no more. I am taking today off to get it all, including sorting through the garage for my tools and DIY items.

He said he was "trying to do the next right thing" by "helping us get settled". I said this was another disrespectful maneuver on his part to exert control. I had asked him to wait until this weekend and I would do it. It's my stuff, my responsibility, my process. I asked him to wait one more week and he couldn't...said he has his own projects to work on. BS. I said no and he acted like the defiant teenager he is and did what he wanted to do anyway, and then got angry and defensive when called on it. Some things never change.

But here's the most amazingly pathetic part of the whole conversation last night. He said (and I am paraphrasing) "No matter what I do or say, you think I am the evil horned ******* who is out to get you and/or screw you over...its been like this our entire relationship".

Wow. He's right on that one. That's called LACK OF TRUST. At that point, I calmly pointed out he had just described what it has been like to be me. This is how I have felt for a number of years, as well. That maybe we had finally reached some common ground of understanding between us and maybe it was time to acknowledge this marriage is over. There is no trust. He never trusted me. I no longer trust him...why bother? Isn't that the foundation of a healthy relationship?

And then I walked out the door. I feel exhausted today, but ready to get the rest of my stuff and take a big step back here and re-evaluate my feelings on waiting for that proverbial first year. I don't think I want to wait. I think I just want this to be over. But first, am going to call in some reinforcements before I go running off on an emotionally fueled escapade and do something that next week I may regret.

I didn't watch the Good Wife last night, but reading the other thread got me to thinking.

Surely there has got to be something better out there than this?!
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Old 05-06-2011, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
...Surely there has got to be something better out there than this?!
Yeah.
Shorts and flipflops. Get some.
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Old 05-06-2011, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Yeah.
Shorts and flipflops. Get some.


Thanks Shell...needed a laugh this morning!
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