tinabanina

Tonight, for the first time since I realised my partner is suffering from this disease, I actually got to sit down with his mum and speak to her about it, how long its been affecting the family, her experience with Al-Anon...

She told me tonight that she is truly at the end of her tether and that come tomorrow he is out of the house. She would have done it tonight, but as usual he has drank himself into a paralytic stupor, and if/when he does wake up and people try to say anything to him.. he is going to lash out in aggression.

I know he has no phone and no money whatsoever now. The last time I saw him was last night. Even though I have made it a point not to stay with him when he has been drinking, but I didn't know until I got to his house and since it was late, I was just going to stay the night and try and ignore him/hope he was going to just pass out. Of course I couldn't sleep because he was quack, quack, quacking away, so I left.

I made the choice to not see him again tonight, but now I think I am kind of regretting my decision. Like I said, he has no phone and no money, since he's being booted I kind of feel like last night will be the last time I see or hear from in in a very long time... and for my own selfish, stupid reasons, I just wanted to see him, even for a moment. Despite everything I still love and care for him.. thinking about it tonight is going to make it a tough one.

I'm not ready for it to be the end right now... things are really bad, but I'm not at that stage where I can let go.. and I feel like I am just going around in circles with myself. I feel sick in my stomach, because I'm imagining the worst right now...


So moving on to the conversation I had with his mum, I learned a lot.

When my AP and I first started seeing each other, he spoke about how he had an addiction to marijuana and pills, but said that alcohol never interested him. I now know that's a lie and I can't say that I'm surprised, I just feel stupid for believing him when he said that in the first place.

His mother told me that she had no idea how he was able to hide his alcoholism from me so well for so long, I had no idea either. I can honestly say he seemed normal, would like to go out and have a few with his mates, but would go to work every day and was just... normal.

It made me said to see and hear her say how she feels responsible for her son being like this. Me, being in my position, I feel helpless and depressed but I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in her position.


I don't know how they are going to keep him away from this house this time, they told me he has gone to the extremes of taking roof tiles off the roof and jumping through the air conditioner vent to get in the house... and I don't know how I am going to deal with it if he comes knocking at my door. He has never met my parents and hasn't stayed at my place, but I feel like I am in a really weak frame of mind right now.

kittykitty

His family could always call the police, if there son is breaking and entering into their house. But some people just won't stick to the boundaries they set, which just makes everything worse.

Do your best to stick to your boundaries. You know what is best for you, and you're the only one who can put you first.

Try not to worry about the fact that he has no phone, no money, and no place to live, those are HIS problems, not yours. Try to give him the dignity and respect that all adults deserve, and let him deal with the consequences of his own decisions. You're actually helping him by doing so. But be prepared, because he will come to you, and do whatever he can to convince you to take care of him. A's need enablers to continue with their addictions.

Good luck to you, keep your head up, you are doing the right thing, for everyone involved.

MyBetterWorld

First of all, I know that you are not ready for this to be over, but I don't think you are ready to open your door to him either. Be very careful, once you let him in, depending on the laws where you live, it could be really hard to get him out. In my humble opinion (and umm, from plenty of experience) I would not let him in. Don't answer the door or whatever you have to do, but don't let him in. Next it will be your roof tiles he is removing to get in.

Good luck, stay strong, know your boundaries and hold to them. A's are very manipulative to get what they want, but like others have said, if you really want to help him, you need to let him fall.

StarCat

I second this!
My "relationship" with XABF took a steep nose dive when he decided to move himself into my apartment, and I let him.
I am fortunate that he did not get his name on the lease, change his legal address, or explore the law on this regard (which would have been especially a mess, with two lawyers in his family).

Living with him wasn't living in any sense of the word.

sandrawg

Amen to that. I'm very glad I didn't live wiht my xabf. He would've never gone for that anyway because I refused to keep alcohol in the house, once I realized he had a problem.

OP, one thing I don't get. You said that he admitted to you that he had a problem with pot and pills. Why is alcohol any worse, that you seem surprised and disheartened that on top of everything else, he's an alcoholic?

tinabanina

I guess the way that the story unravelled is what made me really disheartened.

The stories about his addiction to pot and pills never bothered me before (and to an extent, even now) because they were problems I never had to deal with directly. When we met he was not an active drug addict.

He did smoke pot a couple of times in front of me in the very early stages of our getting to know each other (I used to smoke pot occasionally as well, but stopped almost over a year ago as it was making me depressed). Again, this was before I had any idea of how complex his addiction is. Luckily, the pot smoking stopped, however, unluckily, the drinking didn't.

Like I keep saying, and as is with any new relationship, in the beginning I had no idea about how complex his past with addiction was... or that there was a past to begin with (he's never been much of a talker, and at this stage I understand why). Slowly in time, he would tell me how it was always illicit drugs that he had the biggest problem with and that he never had an interest in alcohol.. that he really only started to drink "socially" in the recent years.

I must have met him during one of his infamous bouts of "living clean" (and I use that term VERY loosely).

When his alcoholism really started to become apparent, at first I honestly thought it was a new development. I thought "oh, he had an addiction to drugs... he got over that and now he's recently become an alcoholic.."

He would even say that to me. That alcohol was never a problem, only the drugs, but NOW (as in around the time I had realised) it was the alcohol he was having trouble with. It was just really disheartening to find out that these problems had been occuring long before (YEARS before) we had started dating.. because yet again I had believed another lie.


And don't get me wrong, I think addictions of any kind are equally as harmful... it was more just feeling like I should have known better, or feeling like I should have been smarter.



Thanks to everyone that has posted so far. It helps to hear from people that have been in my predicament... I keep noticing the mention of boundaries, so I think in my road to recovery that is one thing I really have to make myself clear and firm on... what my boundaries are.

Last night was rough, I think I cried up until I fell asleep. I also had another episode this morning and was so close to driving to his house to just see him before he got the boot... but I just went to work. The day has gotten better so far, but I am still really trying to resist the urge to try and contact/find him. Lucky work is busy today.


kittykitty - Especially the "dignity and respect that all adults deserve", really hit home. I'm worried sick about what is going to happen to him, but I think every day, slowly but surely, I am truly starting to understand that my helping really wasn't helping at all.

Also, speaking about giving respect that is deserved, I continually have to remind myself that being an alcoholic doesn't automatically mean that all his basic rights as an adult, or even as a human, get revoked. This is also why I stopped snooping through his room, through his phone, through his mail and bank statements (yes, I know... this was all very wrong of me to do, and I am very ashamed for intruding on his personal space like I used to).


I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight then meeting up with some friends to keep me occupied for the time being.

kittykitty

You're halfway there already...YOU GET IT. You are way ahead of where most of us were when we decided to cut things with our ex A's. It's like you've already conquered step one.

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

Becoming Aware of our situations is the first step. Stopping the train of denial. You could say that about both of those thoughts up there. You became aware that he could do whatever he wants, and you became aware that you were doing things you weren't comfortable doing (you had become unreasonable without knowing it, my favorite quote from the alanon opening). Acceptance is next, and you seem to have come to terms with both of those quandries, realizing that what's done is done, and admitting fault where your side of the street wasn't clean. Now Action, on both counts, where you've decided to leave him to his own devices, as well as change your behavior that you were ashamed of. I wish I got it as quick as you did.

Believe me, it DOES get easier. Every day, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. My mentality toyed with me horribly, which is why it took me three times to finally leave my ex, but that third time, I was ready. No more wondering if I was abandoning him, if I was letting him down, if I had tried hard enough. Third time was the charm.

Meetings, readings, and SR, will work wonders during this time. I couldn't have done it without all of those things. Even if things on here don't look like they apply to your situation, hit up some threads from months ago, even years ago, and see more of what you need to see. The reminders are everywhere for us, if we choose to open our eyes and hearts and look.

:hugs:

smashleybell

i am finding it very hard to reply to this post without delving deeply into my own situation. i have actually sat here for close to an hour--typing and deleting what i want to say. I signed up on this site because of your post, Tina.

Your courage is inspiring. I am still mulling through guilt.

I haven't even left him yet...but I feel guilty for even considering it!

But you did it! Your understanding of the insecurities and your overcoming of weakness--that is reinforcing. And yes, you are still struggling. But you recognize that fact. You also acknowledge that you love him. Deeply. Which makes it so much harder.

Thank you for posting. Just reading what you are going through has given me a boost! It is giving me hope that I might be able to overcome this!

tinabanina

Thanks for all of your posts, kittykitty, you (and a lot other people) really help me to see my situation in a different perspective.

This morning before I got a chance to read your post I was contemplating how I was going to start tackling the 12-steps, I guess I started subconsciously. I think I need to be more proactive about doing it, though.. I always hated doing homework when I was at school, but I will make an exception for this. My mental health is too important to not.

I really hope it does get easier.

I spoke to his BIL and he said that my AP and his mother had a talk, then my partner left the house and no one has seen him since. My heart was breaking enough as it is, but after hearing this... knowing that there really is no return now, I feel shattered.

I will be completely honest - I had no intention of leaving him completely. I was creating my boundaries and sticking to it, so this complete separation is forced and to an extent... unwanted. I've been calling his phone at random intervals today, lucky he doesn't have it and its turned off so I really have absolutely no way of trying to contact him to keep enabling MYSELF and my co-dependent ways. I just want to hear his voice... but I should probably stop torturing myself.

Right now I am in a deep state of regret and so angry at myself for not going to see him last night, or at least speaking to him. I feel like people can sense my sadness as well, and I feel really ashamed about it for some reason.

I'm going to try and take a positive out of this and say I am lucky that I cannot just take the easy options and run back to him again and continue to live unheathily... and I keep trying to put that in the forefront of my mind, but at the same time I really need to acknowledge my anger, my frustration, my disappointment and my sadness. I'm scared for him, I'm worried that he thinks he cannot come to me at all (and yes, I realise that is kind of the point... but I can't help thinking that for now)... I just miss him, I really, really miss him. I've probably missed him for a long time... but now PHYSICALLY, he's just not there.

I was speaking with a good friend of mine today, over a year ago the love of her life told her that he was no longer in love with her. Obviously, the situation isn't exactly the same... but understanding the mutual feeling of being forced to let go of someone was there. She said that by the time he makes a reappearance in my life, I may have moved on already and all I could think about was how I didn't want to move on.

I don't know at what stage in a relationship that happens and how it happens... especially in one as toxic as mine and my AP's. You try to be able to imagine someone else, but all you want is them.. how they look, how they feel, how they interact with you (when he they are sober, of course). I guess the mistake I'm making is trying to see myself WITH someone else, when I should just be seeing how I can be okay with me.

Anyway, I've been reading lots of posts... I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I look forward to reaching it. I look forward to the day that I can be grateful for sticking to my boundary and not feeling that guilt, sadness or loneliness. I look forward to the day I can look at where I am today and say, with complete honesty, how thankful I am for the turn of events happening the way that it did.

Again, kittykitty, many thanks and many 's too.

tinabanina

Thanks, smashleybell! You are too kind.

Believe me, the guilt is still there. I still don't want to be in the position I am in... but I am. I now have the choice to be brave and move on, or cling to my hope and be miserable.

Are you in Al-Anon and/or have you considered? If not, please do. It really helped me to get to the stage I am at now.

I'm really glad you joined the board, read as much as you can, post, post, post and ask as many questions as you need. I know it can be tough to recap, but don't be afraid to be open, truthful and honest about your story... you may find the relief of being able to share your story and have people relate to you be a real comfort.

In the end, though, always remember that we all approach recovery in different ways. Its important to do what feels right for you at the time... sometimes your action may be wrong, but there is always a lesson to be learned in that wrong-doing.

Okay, I am rambling now.. but again .. I look forward to seeing you post!

tinabanina

Thanks for this.. I'm going to have to write this one down somewhere.

Living with my AP wouldn't be living in any sense of the word for me, either.