Searching for peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1
Searching for peace
Hello Everyone! I am new to this site, and searched a forum to help me vent and get some perspective.
I am from a family of six kids, 4 boys & 2 girls. Do to financial reasons on my part and some on my parents, I am 43 yrs old & moved back home almost 2yrs ago. The youngest had moved back when our third eldest brother died suddenly from complications from Diabetes back in 2004. Growing up, all of my brothers were drinkers. Mom & Dad didn't approved, but also never put their foot down about them stopping either. Two years ago, we lost my oldest brother to throat cancer, brought on by his heaving drinking. He had not been well for a long time and never told our parents that he was so very ill. Now, the second oldest is drinking more than ever before. Does not have a full time jobs, works as a carpenter -- when he feels like working. He uses every excuse for drinking "Oh, my back is killing me!" "My back is having spasms" or "My knees are so swollen" or "Why did Billy (the oldest) have to die and leave ME!" or he has uses the deaths of family members of his friends. He has a gf that is on steroids for asthma and drinks w/him. When he becomes too much for her to handle, she calls late at night for our mother to come pick him up. This person lives in city with a lot of crime lately, and insists that my 75 yr old mother come pick up her soon to be 50 year old son. And you know what? She goes to get him because she doesn't want the police to pick him up for vagrancy. And tonight, Mommy had to go get him again, and I lost it. Told him I was tired of his drama and I told my mother she enables and I have lost a lot of respect for her. He has ruined numerous family gatherings. My parents have two grandchildren they haven't seen a lot of this past year because of my alcoholic brother. My brother used to have a lot of "good" friends and has been permanently kick-out of bars for starting fist fights. He barely contributes to the household, only doing for himself. Because my parents enable him, he will never stop drinking. I have repeatedly told both of them that when they are gone, I will NOT take care of their son. I don't even consider him my brother anymore, just their son.
I can't really share this w/anyone. Most people I can trust don't really understand what it is like to live w/an alcoholic. Even my sister does'nt want to know what is going on -- she has her husband and my 4 yr old nephew. My brother in law grew up in a very different kind of family.
I am from a family of six kids, 4 boys & 2 girls. Do to financial reasons on my part and some on my parents, I am 43 yrs old & moved back home almost 2yrs ago. The youngest had moved back when our third eldest brother died suddenly from complications from Diabetes back in 2004. Growing up, all of my brothers were drinkers. Mom & Dad didn't approved, but also never put their foot down about them stopping either. Two years ago, we lost my oldest brother to throat cancer, brought on by his heaving drinking. He had not been well for a long time and never told our parents that he was so very ill. Now, the second oldest is drinking more than ever before. Does not have a full time jobs, works as a carpenter -- when he feels like working. He uses every excuse for drinking "Oh, my back is killing me!" "My back is having spasms" or "My knees are so swollen" or "Why did Billy (the oldest) have to die and leave ME!" or he has uses the deaths of family members of his friends. He has a gf that is on steroids for asthma and drinks w/him. When he becomes too much for her to handle, she calls late at night for our mother to come pick him up. This person lives in city with a lot of crime lately, and insists that my 75 yr old mother come pick up her soon to be 50 year old son. And you know what? She goes to get him because she doesn't want the police to pick him up for vagrancy. And tonight, Mommy had to go get him again, and I lost it. Told him I was tired of his drama and I told my mother she enables and I have lost a lot of respect for her. He has ruined numerous family gatherings. My parents have two grandchildren they haven't seen a lot of this past year because of my alcoholic brother. My brother used to have a lot of "good" friends and has been permanently kick-out of bars for starting fist fights. He barely contributes to the household, only doing for himself. Because my parents enable him, he will never stop drinking. I have repeatedly told both of them that when they are gone, I will NOT take care of their son. I don't even consider him my brother anymore, just their son.
I can't really share this w/anyone. Most people I can trust don't really understand what it is like to live w/an alcoholic. Even my sister does'nt want to know what is going on -- she has her husband and my 4 yr old nephew. My brother in law grew up in a very different kind of family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
welcome.
I have a quote on my wall:
Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart.
Other people's troubles are not YOUR troubles.
You can practice and learn to have peace despit other people's crappy choices.
I wish you that peace you are searching for.
Consider reading Melody Beattie's Codpendent No More.
p
I have a quote on my wall:
Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart.
Other people's troubles are not YOUR troubles.
You can practice and learn to have peace despit other people's crappy choices.
I wish you that peace you are searching for.
Consider reading Melody Beattie's Codpendent No More.
p
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Alcoholism is a very hurtful, insidious disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but the people around the alcoholic as well. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I am also glad that you found us.
You aren't alone.
We understand.
It sounds like you're doing what you need to do - detaching from the situation.
Just be aware, just as you can't change his behavior, you also can't change your mother's behavior. She will do what she will do. You can talk to her about it, but you cannot force her to agree with you.
Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? It was founded by the wives of the alcoholics who founded AA, and it's a place where those affected by someone else's drinking can go to work on themselves and their own recovery. In a good group the members spend very little time talking about the alcoholic, and a lot of time talking about their own recovery.
I highly recommend it. It's helped me out so much, and while this forum is great, sometimes there's no replacement for face-to-face communication, as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
NotHappy,
You can always come here.
Welcome to SoberRecovery.
Let me say, that it is my belief that parents "putting their foot down" about a behavior that is proven to have the ability to become a disease, probably doesn't generally do any good. Please try not to assign blame for something that just is.
This is a great site, and we're always open. I hope you find the answers to your asked, and unasked, questions.
You can always come here.
Welcome to SoberRecovery.
Let me say, that it is my belief that parents "putting their foot down" about a behavior that is proven to have the ability to become a disease, probably doesn't generally do any good. Please try not to assign blame for something that just is.
This is a great site, and we're always open. I hope you find the answers to your asked, and unasked, questions.
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