Repairs.........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Repairs.........
Hi, the heater and the washing machine in our house have had problems in the last week. I had repair people to the house for both machines on Friday. I also tool one of our cars into the shop for brakes today. Hubby gets so overwelmed when we need to have things repaired because he is certain that people are riping him off. So when the heater went out again on Sat he went crazy and refuses to let the repair men come into the house when I am not there to handle it. So last night at 7:30pm I am out in the yard talking with the heater guyes and they will be back on Fri to do some additional maintenance. Today I have to have my son stay at home so that the washer machine person can come in and replace the part.
What is my point you wonder? I am frustrated that he is unable to function in this simple way. We had a small fight about the washing machine issue. Later after the repair men left he asked me what they were going to do and he was almost in tears about it. It is scary because he seems to be breaking down somewhat. And we seem to be further apart than ever.
What is my point you wonder? I am frustrated that he is unable to function in this simple way. We had a small fight about the washing machine issue. Later after the repair men left he asked me what they were going to do and he was almost in tears about it. It is scary because he seems to be breaking down somewhat. And we seem to be further apart than ever.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rose
Do you suppose it might be because he feels "out of control". I know I do when things keep going wrong. My husband lost the transmission in his car last weekend and had to take my car this week (he works out of town during the week), and I was a little overwhelmed at the cost to repair the car or worse, the cost to replace it. I just cannot afford it right now. And today I have an interview about a half-hour away and have to take a taxi, which will cost me close to $100 with tip. All the car rental places are empty because we had a huge storm last week and the cars are out to people with insurance claims.
My point is that if this overwhelms ME, how would an active A see it.
I think you are doing a great job, just working around his anxiety and getting things done. He will probably calm down once the repairs are finished.
I don't know if this helps, but I could just relate to the feeling of "powerlessness" that these situations can bring.
Sending Hugs and Warrantees
Ann
Do you suppose it might be because he feels "out of control". I know I do when things keep going wrong. My husband lost the transmission in his car last weekend and had to take my car this week (he works out of town during the week), and I was a little overwhelmed at the cost to repair the car or worse, the cost to replace it. I just cannot afford it right now. And today I have an interview about a half-hour away and have to take a taxi, which will cost me close to $100 with tip. All the car rental places are empty because we had a huge storm last week and the cars are out to people with insurance claims.
My point is that if this overwhelms ME, how would an active A see it.
I think you are doing a great job, just working around his anxiety and getting things done. He will probably calm down once the repairs are finished.
I don't know if this helps, but I could just relate to the feeling of "powerlessness" that these situations can bring.
Sending Hugs and Warrantees
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Rose
Do you think he feels threatened because he isn't being the "man" and taking care of these things himself? Paranoia is a classic symptom of alcoholics. My mother is constantly thinking that people are ripping her off.
To me, it's pretty simple. When things need to be fixed, I either figure out how to fix them myself, or hire someone who can.
Sorry you are dealing with all this frustration. Hugs to you.
Peace,
Gabe
To me, it's pretty simple. When things need to be fixed, I either figure out how to fix them myself, or hire someone who can.
Sorry you are dealing with all this frustration. Hugs to you.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Yes I think he is both overwelmed and feels like he is not being the man in the relationship. It may not be right, but based on thousands of incidents in the past 20 years, I don't trust him to make good decisions on anything. Sad but true. Maybe I am being unfair, but the fact is I don't trust his judgement.
I feel so impatient today about my recovery. I want so much to make progress and seem instead to be standing still. But I have a quote on my white board to help me:
Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well.
Orin L. Crain
I feel so impatient today about my recovery. I want so much to make progress and seem instead to be standing still. But I have a quote on my white board to help me:
Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well.
Orin L. Crain
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rose
It can be a part of our codependency that we feel a need to be in control of everything, and that can truly rob those we love of their own learning experiences.
Just a suggestion, but next time you have a decision to make like those you discussed, perhaps you could say to your hubby "Here's what I think needs to be done, and Mr. Jones has been recommended as a reliable and trustworthy repairman, but I'd like your input on what you think". That not only includes him in the decision, but it allows him to learn from your experience so that one day he may be more capable of doing it himself.
It may sound manipulative, but done with the right motive it is not. My husband is wonderful at some things and just terrible about home repairs. I do most of the minor repairs myself, but I try to include him in the decisions, or ask his opinion, or talk about what I did, and hopefully one day he too will be Mr. Handyman.
Does this make sense? I hope it does at least a little.
Hugs
Ann
It can be a part of our codependency that we feel a need to be in control of everything, and that can truly rob those we love of their own learning experiences.
Just a suggestion, but next time you have a decision to make like those you discussed, perhaps you could say to your hubby "Here's what I think needs to be done, and Mr. Jones has been recommended as a reliable and trustworthy repairman, but I'd like your input on what you think". That not only includes him in the decision, but it allows him to learn from your experience so that one day he may be more capable of doing it himself.
It may sound manipulative, but done with the right motive it is not. My husband is wonderful at some things and just terrible about home repairs. I do most of the minor repairs myself, but I try to include him in the decisions, or ask his opinion, or talk about what I did, and hopefully one day he too will be Mr. Handyman.
Does this make sense? I hope it does at least a little.
Hugs
Ann
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((((((Rose)))))))
I can relate to your having to deal the anger your A shows....It seems to me that the anger comes out when they can't handle or aren't able to fix even a small thing . I've been told well it's easy for you to handle this... If we have a job of authority we go to sometimes, we forget others simpley can not do what we can ...I believe the anger on the part of my husband comes from HIS inability to deal with it..
Ann , suggestion of you including your husband atleast verbally is a very good option.....Just as I like to feel a part of my family, my Al-Anon group, my circle of friends, I believe our spouses do to...especially if they see us growing in a program of recovery and they don't have one yet...It's easy for me to believe if I can do it easily anyone should. I have learned in Al-Anon that isn't so whatsoever... It helps me to be a kind more loving person to remember the things my spouse can do today.
Take care and hope that helps.
I can relate to your having to deal the anger your A shows....It seems to me that the anger comes out when they can't handle or aren't able to fix even a small thing . I've been told well it's easy for you to handle this... If we have a job of authority we go to sometimes, we forget others simpley can not do what we can ...I believe the anger on the part of my husband comes from HIS inability to deal with it..
Ann , suggestion of you including your husband atleast verbally is a very good option.....Just as I like to feel a part of my family, my Al-Anon group, my circle of friends, I believe our spouses do to...especially if they see us growing in a program of recovery and they don't have one yet...It's easy for me to believe if I can do it easily anyone should. I have learned in Al-Anon that isn't so whatsoever... It helps me to be a kind more loving person to remember the things my spouse can do today.
Take care and hope that helps.
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