NGall29

I posted yesterday. My husband relapsed on Wednesday after a year of not drinking. He's been drinking every day since then...he calls me and has moments where he sounds slightly more sober, but then he is back to being totally out of it. He has his own business and he is supposed to work tomorrow. i just got emails from him asking me to come home...he can barely type he's so drunk. I am so very worried. His family is all in England so they can't help me AT all. They can't even call him because he broke his phone this morning. I am so scared that he's going to over do it and end up dead. I don't know if I could live with myself, even though it's his fault. I feel like I should go and see if I can get him to stop. I think if I was there he might. But then again, he is unpredictable when he drinks, he was violent the other night. I have to think about my unborn baby. I have no idea what to do. I'm staying with my parents and I can't even tell them because I think they've totally given up on him this time. If I tell them I'm going to see him they won't understand. I just feel like he's my husband and he's sick, and I don't want to abandon him.

What do I do? I know I'm unhealthy too, I probably shouldn't care anymore. But he's the father of my children and he's still my husband. He has been a good husband for the last year. Why does he have to do this.

wanttobehealthy

Do you have a therapist? I really really get how you're feeling-- I've been there exactly. At my mom's, her convinced I should not go back and I went back anyway-- several times and it got worse each time... and not immediately.

I am sorry you are hurting and the "why does he have to do this?"-- boy, if I had a $1 for everytime I said that I'd be a gazillionaire-- Why is he doing it? He's an alcoholic. That's why. No matter what he promises, until he gets some help for his alcoholism and does some work (if not AA-- you said he thinks it's too religious right? There's SMART recovery... or therapy...) he's going to keep doing what he does...

I posted on your other thread about what I wish I'd been told when I was pregnant with my youngest and in a very similar situation. I don't know that I would have been ready to hear it or do anything differently than I did things but you never know...

If you don't have a therapist it might really help, given all you are going through, to find one... Can you go to al anon in your area? That might help too?

suki44883

I hope you don't go. There is nothing you can do for him. You say he is drunk and he is violent when he drinks. You are pregnant. I believe it would be a bad decision to go.

Sylvie66

Here's my suggestions:
1. Do the four steps:
- get a hug
- and a cup of tea
- and a bath
- and a good night's sleep

2. Call the domestic violence hotline in the morning while your folks mind your son.

3. Tell your folks how conflicted you're feeling. If no one knows, no one can help you.

4. Make small plans:
- can you stay with your folks? If not, where can you go?
- do you need a babysitter? Can your folks help out?
- do you need a doctor? This stress is huge on the baby, and on you.
- NONE of these things need to be decided right away. Right now, you are safe, dry, warm, fed, and loved. Be okay with that.

5. If you have to, manage your life in 20-minute, or even 5-minute, increments. Remember to breathe.

6. Of course you love him - but it's just not safe for you to have any contact with him right now. None. No emails, no phone calls, no stopping by. Love is patient. Be patient.

- Sylvie

fourmaggie

the 3 C's

you did not cause this
you can not control this
and you can not CURE this

this is all his doing...not yours...please go to AL ANON meetings and start regularly, they will help....

if you remember the 3 C's....and that is all you need to remember up to this point...your HP will see you through....but i sure did love ^^^^the above!! and that is what i will do for me today...How do you take you Tea?..

~god bless you and the unborn child

kittykitty

You are risking your life and the life of your unborn child by going home right now. He is a big boy, and got himself into this situation. Give him the respect and dignity as an adult to deal with his consequences. He chose to drink, he chose to break the phone, he chose to put his hands around your neck the other night. He is very very sick. Do you feel that his well -being is more important than your own and that of your children?

Please keep us posted. You may not believe us, but you can't save him from this. If you do, he'll just do it again, and Lord only knows what will happen to you in the process.

Fandy

he is so immature to risk his business and his family....he is violent and abusive.

please do not go there alone....he's had all day and then some to work himself into a violent rage and might just have made some mad insane reasons in his own drunken head that you deserve "punishment" for calling the police....he thinks he is being coy...in this mindset he does NOT care about you and the unborn baby you are carrying.

be smart and let him get himself out of the mess he created so selfishly....you cannot "fix" anything...most likely he will just pass out soon....if you are worried, call the police to check him.

you might want to contact your OB-gyno. in the AM and tell her about your stress....you could be risking your health with all of this trauma/stress to your body....

Babyblue

He is also violent when drinking.

So please take care of yourself and your kids FIRST. You will be walking into a mine field. It also isn't healthy for your kids to see their dad in such a state.

Take some deep breaths, don't answer the phone and stay with your family. It is a safety issue. Not a marital one.

p.s. Fandy's advice is excellent , stress does also affect the fetus (e.g. behavioral issues, learning delays). It is tough right now but do what you can to stay healthy.

gerryP

NGall,

Back in the day when I drank and was drunk, nothing anyone would have said to me would have registered in my brain.

I think if you go over to 'talk to him' you are putting you and your baby at risk. You wouldn't be going in blind to what could happen to you. Maybe better to get some sleep to take care of you and baby and son. He's a big boy who desperately needs help, but help you can not provide him. I am sorry for what you are going through NGall....

MsCooterBrown

True story from the above poster. I found it an excellent policy not to talk until you are sure he is sober. This conflicted feeling you have..not good. You can't save him ..he has to be willing to quit drinking himself. I understand that feeling. I took my ex husband in for a liver biopsy a few years back and he is STILL drinking himself to death. The conflict comes in because you are thinking of the GOOD side of him. If you read my blog..that was (and I stress the word WAS) my problem as well. But once the violence enters the picture..it makes 2 problems. I wasted many years listening to the mortified "I am so sorry..this will NEVER happen again...I love you baby" bullsh!t. Another good point is let your family in on your secret. You need all the support you can get. PLEASE think this thru..I don't want you to end up going thru what I did..or worse..plus think of the little ones..they have no choice or voice in the matter..they need protecting. I will be thinking of you!!

lillamy

I will just share with you what someone said to me this week:

Not only do you have a right to prioritize taking care of yourself and your children -- you have an obligation to do it.

Among "normal" people -- people who haven't lived with addicts -- the idea that you would jeopardize your child's life in order to see if there might be something you could do for another adult is ludicrous. It would be like parking your child in a burning building while running in to get someone out who doesn't want to get out.

Deep breaths. Remember he's an adult. And you do him no favors by stopping him from experiencing the natural consequences of his actions. (((hugs)))

Fandy

please do not romatisize (sp) that you can *save* him....he has to stand up on his own 2 feet, see his actions and save himslef....if he wants to.

that's what I did,

hope you got some good rest and feel better and stronger.

nodaybut2day

IMO (and this is JMHO) by continuing to rescue this...man, when he clearly doesn't want rescuing, you are modelling extremely unhealthy behaviour to your child. You are demonstrating that it is acceptable for a person to treat their partner the way your AH has treated you. Do you want your son growing up to believe that this is the way normal human interactions should be?

I sincerely hope that you are able prioritize your children over your AH, who A) is a grown man, perfectly capable of calling for help when he decides he's had enough and B) is *dangerous* to you and your children.

As for your family, I know exactly how you feel. I spent years "protecting" my family against the secrets I kept for my XAH. I was petrified that they would find out just how messed up he was and then...they wouldn't like him anymore. HA! I was blind if I thought they didn't already know he was messed up AND treating me poorly. IMO, it would be very helpful to you if your family knew exactly what was going on. It would certainly give you some support and would perhaps give you another perspective on the situation.

I seem to recall that you're in the UK. Here's what I found regarding domestic violence support over there:
Refuge - Domestic Violence Help | Domestic Abuse Charity
Women's Aid - the key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children
NDVH - National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline
24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247

Please call. What have you got to lose?

keepinon

Staying put and keeping safe is breaking the cycle..running to help, putting you and your unborn baby at risk is perpetuating this cycle..he will continue to up the ante to get a response..many A's threaten to harm themselves..it is a form of abuse, designed to get the victim to respond..if you are truly worried about his safety, call the police.if he really was going to harm himself they can put a 72 hour hold on him..

Buffalo66

DOnt go.

He would not let go of your three year old, he is obviously unable to make any good judgements.

He is not in a different "kind" of drunk, now than he was then.

He is on a bender. He will most likely not remember or deny anything that you say, that you do, that he says, or that he does.

Please know this. It can be that bad, and I know its hard for you to take in, because he was doing so well for so long.

This post does not even address the potential physical danger.

Is there a largish male friend? Your dad? Someone who is NOT PREGNANT, and who hhe will feel inhibited by, who can go see that he is not doing any damage to the house or himself?

He will sober up, but he will be in denial of how bad, then he will be full of sorrys, then he will deny again/

Im sorry you are dealng with this, but please do protect your children and yourself.

Tuffgirl

Lots of good responses here - please read and then re-read them and then think of your child and the one on the way. They NEED you. He doesn't, not like this.

Good luck! Stay Strong!
~T