My exabf wasn't as verbally abusive as my previous exbf. I sure can pick em, eh?

The previous one was a RECOVERING alcoholic. Talk about walking on eggshells. I mean, he was all charm and candy in the beginning--gradually, he began a slow process of chipping away at my self esteem. It started with my clothes--critizing what I was wearing. Then, my breasts weren't big enough. He hammered that home quite a bit-caused a lot of arguments. Soon, nothing I did was good enough. I didn't clean good enough. I was stupid. Meanwhile he monopolized most of my time at my job to help him with his business. I remember one time, telling him I had an important meeting to go to, trying to get him off the phone, and he barks at me "THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW." OH REALLY? My job isn't important?

He was a classic narcissist. I finally left him when he told me he wasn't attracted to me because of my acne scars. OH and BTW did I mention that I am a model now??

My exabf-he would get verbally abusive mostly when drunk. On his birthday last year I put up with a 4 hour screaming tirade where he called me the c word, shot water out of a squirt gun at me, threatened to have me put away (even tho he was the one acting crazy), and made fun of me when I started crying. The weirdest part was in the middle of treating me like dirt, he was talking about how I was the only one who gave him what he really asked for on his birthday. It was bizarre.

He also threatened to kick me out of his car once (not while drunk), simply because I got us lost trying to use the gps on his iphone.

He was also very critical-would criticize me over little things, like how many times I turned the bacon while cooking.

Yeah, I think about THOSE incidences...and I do not miss him one little bit.

My exabf, when I look back at it, was all about ME making him feel "special."

He said before that he felt "special" that someone who was as mature and put-together (well on the outside maybe) as me, would be interested in someone like him (he is a lot younger than me.)

He has such low self-esteem, he needed me to validate him, I suppose. I was thinking the other day that when he was with me, he ran with the big dogs. My friends are mostly my age..own their own homes, have good jobs, aren't substance abusers...his "friends" (I use the term loosely cuz none of them would even pee on him if his head were on fire-they're all selfish jerks) are all very immature. Emotionally stunted alcoholics and addicts. Now that we're broken up, he's back playing at the children's table.

"He was also very critical-would criticize me over little things, like how many times I turned the bacon while cooking"

Oh yes, the criticism never ended. If I wore a cute skirt or dress out he would tell me I looked like a ****. If I covered up, I was boring and no fun and other girls looked hotter than me. You seriously can't win. He would tell me to go out with my friends more because I nagged him too much, then I would go out with them and then he would send his friends to follow us out and yell "sluts, skanks"! Its actually amusing to me now that I'm writing it all down. How did I put up with all that pull and tug??? I think they feed on the drama. They can't stand to be in normal, calm relationships. As soon as I stopped feeding into his drama and being more mature and detached, he was bored with me and he started looking for other people. God, I hope he burns one day.

duqld- I can't tell you how much that's useful for making the feelings feel better but I can tell you that I know how you feel. What you describe is what I am feeling a lot lately. Not lying to myself anymore is =ing feeling a LOT. I'm not giving in to it and getting sucked back in but boy does it hurt- a lot. All of what you describe really resonated with me. I don't understand why it has to hurt so much and I am trying not to analyze to death what I feel. I am just being honest about how I feel when I feel it and trusting that how this feels must be better than continuing to live with the craziness of alcoholism. Right now that's the mantra I am telling myself. Somedays it's more effective than others... Hang in there... I suspect there are a lot of us around here who either have been or are experiencing very much what you describe. Thinking of you... :grouphug:

This above is so so true. Instead of being annoyed with myself for feeling upset when I feel it, I just tell myself that intellectually I 'get' that what I am doing is the right thing to do and that it is also okay that it doesn't FEEL great. It is what it is. It doesn't have to impact how I act (in terms of whether I stay with AH or not). When I am able to stop beating myself up for feeling upset despite "knowing better" (not always able to do that) it lessens the hurt by a lot.

Hi how is everybody?? ohhh we would have a blast meeting for movies, although I was thinking, the trailer shows its about a man that beats his wife and then the young hero rescues her? SHEESH!

sandra I swear its the same guy we are talking about. Well he didn't use a gun but he used to burn himself with cigarettes. And I also did not clean enough. And didn't look good in a swimsuit. And was not smart enough. So to make him happy I should work 8 hours like him, study another couple of hours to get certified, stop eating and live in the gym all weekend and look like a Playgirl. And keep up with his amount of beers yet STILL have a flat stomach. Right :lmao

Anyway I wanted to tell you all that I had a lot of fun yesterday, and today! I am working, cleaning my apartment, listening uplifting music, eating a Dairy queen Crunch blizzard without any guilt. Yesterday I went to have dinner with a new girl friend, and my best friend's cousin (he is a male and a good example of what a good man is like). They do lots of sports and are funny. I FELT SAFE!! I drank white wine with cherry soda, it was very tasty and wonderful and the place has Indian food which I really enjoy.

Then we went to a bar and we met some guys, one of them was friendly and invited us to another party in a few weeks. He was very kind and was drinking plain water... he is definitely good looking. I already imagined our wedding LOL no but really its nice to go out once again and meet new people and laugh and come back home safely! I am happy I am giving myself this opportunity, to go out, have fun, laugh for a while, remember I am young. I am no longer angry with alcohol and I am remembering I can have a couple and have fun with other SOCIAL drinkers and that's it for the night, no drama, no madness.

It gets so much better...... there are new friends to be made..... new days to look forward to. I would have not believed it but honestly I look back and think the ex was not worth all the time I spent crying and mourning.. I in turn, am worth everything that is good...... if he is happy.. if he isn't... if he drinks..if he doesn't... it has NO impact in my life now.. and its so worth it!!!!!!!!!! ahh I am starting to feel more indifference and its wonderful and worth everything. Serenity is worth all the bad times. There's much to look forward to, honest!!!!!

I truly believe HP helps us when we need it and takes away people that is going to drag us down. And I also am a huge believer in karma. I leave that to HP, although I often wanted to go and kick him myself, have had so many opportunities lol

Hope you all feel better and I am so glad we have each other :)

I like this video, it fits the idea of joining the recovered ones in a happier place, ;)
http://youtu.be/zoMYU_nOGNg
Rise up, its time we break the chains ♪♫

Ooh, thanks for posting-your day sounds great! I love Indian food btw.

You aren't by chance in southern California, are you? Cuz if so, I'd love to hang out with you :)

Noo, I am in Mexico! But if you plan a vacation in Punta Mita (a very exclusive beach) Puerto Vallarta, Pacific coast etc, I am in :) I will have a stopover in LA in July though, are you close to LA?

BTW this is totally off topic but I have a friend who is a dancer, a fan of bikram yoga, and now my new friend, and the 3 of us would love to go to a yoga retreat! There are several in the beaches near the city I live (Sayulita for instance) where everything is about yoga and surf. There are some retreats that are only for women, offer vegetarian food, etc... SO, if you'd like to take a break, and have a passport, you are welcome :) !! I saw some publicity in the Yoga Journal so I don't think language would be a problem...
Mexico Yoga Retreats

It will take a while to plan it as we save enough $$ but even if its for later on this year, or next year, its something to look forward to ;) we will coordinate so we all can make it. Join me and lets do Pilates and sunbath and take cool pics of us in surfer attire :) ! I would say "let's surf" but I know I will be making a wet fool of myself trying, LOL

I'm actually in L.A.! Msg me!

My nephew is in south america right now. I beleive he's in Colombia. he loves Mexico and has spent a lot of time there. I keep thinking, if he makes it back up there, I need to meet up with him so he can show me around.

I need to get a passport! :)

Yes start arranging your passport so you can also travel around here. There are many beautiful and interesting places to visit. Traveling is very healing and there are cities here full of color, history, folklore, life, great food (I keep talking about food in my posts lol) in which its IMPOSSIBLE to feel depressed. IMPOSSIBLE!

I'll PM you :)
Sorry duqld you start a thread about PSTD and I am here giving touristic recommendations ... BTW do you have a passport.. ? :D

It does not require that you figure everything out, or have the answers to every question in order to heal your past.
You can set about letting go, and starting over without resolution from another party.

Someone told me once,
"If you came home to your house and it was broken into, you would call the police, sure...You would wonder what happened.
But you wouldnt go running down the street or all over the city looking for the culprit, or seeking resolution. It happened. What you do is start putting things back together, because you still have to live in that house. "

that house is YOU. You have to live there, inside of you.

And sifting through the broken pieces, looking at things, you can decide if this piece is worth keeping, if you can salvage or learn something from it, whether this piece is just old and you dont use it anymore, or dont want to have to.

Its hard work, and it can be painful, but really, you are so young, and you are way ahead of the game, DUQ.

Some people start this healing work after many more years of abuse and pain, and have much more to regret.

You are doing good work, that will create a clearer and happier path for you in life.
Its good work, and you are brave for doing it now, and not just moving onto the next unhealthy mess.

Congratulations on getting out of that mess

I think the difference would be, if the robber was a friend of yours. If it was someone who could put up a front of being someone who actually cared about you-someone who you found out later, not only robbed you but lied many times to get your trust and love.

But yes, you're right. We do need to seek resolution and closure WITHOUT contacting the alcoholic, because if they're not in recovery, we'll get no amends. Just more lies and denial.

Looking back he was on the level of a sociopath or narcisist or something in that same group. Seriously.

This sounds horrible but I have never admitted this before. I feel like he was a male escort to me not a boyfriend. I paid for everything that we did and he came along for the free ride, he was mentally and emotionally absent, no extra love, distant and he was basically free to come and go as he pleased. I would put up a fight but it never mattered. I labeled him my "boyfriend" but he was no more than a stranger that I financially supported and took care of like a child. He was in my life but it came at a high price-I had to give give and give some more. Whether that was money and just plain caretaking, I had to give to pay him off. For what? Simply his presence. And if I didn't give, well the bottle would be right there for him to run to. He got drunk and I had to be the boyfriend and girlfriend in the relationship. I was alone and I was the only one out of the two of us that cared. If I didn't care then who would because he didn't do anything to keep us afloat? He was as good to me as a peice of furniture or a plant-he was useless. I didn't mean anything to him but a warm body that he used to avoid hitting his bottom. Writing that makes me want to cry.

Duq,

I know we are in the same city, and I know its not possible, based on your details...but,

It sounds like we are dealing with the same person!

My RAH could have been this person years ago.
He was just the same, and had so many girls he treated this way.

It was sociopathic.

Just know this: YOU were not infected by him. You are an openhearted person.

One of my first posts on here, at SR was the question,

"alcoholic, or Sociopath?"

that was back in 2007.

I know things will get better for you, and I cannot stress enough how one thing you can be grateful for is that you are seeing this, and deciding to address the issues in yourself,and heal from it now, getting this hairball out, now, while you are still so young.

Keep moving, you are doing great!

Sandra,

The truth is, We may not ever get amends. Whether they are in recovery or not. That is a sad but honest truth, and hard for me to face.

Many of these painful things are blacked out for my RAH, many of them he has put into a box labeled, "wasnt that bad..."

I have to move on and get on with it, with no expectation of amends.

Thats true with most wrongdoings in our lives. Its healthy to really detach from the expectation that someone will finally, at long last realize they did you wrong.

They may never.

Yeah, that is when I struggle too.

Buffalo,

I feel as though a lot of men in our city treat women with disrespect because "they can". So many of my girlfriends have to support their guys. They just have that lazy mentality. The only difference is that their guys treat them a little better in return and aren't Alcoholics. Since our city is very sports oriented and everyone drinks a lot all the time, it is very easy for an A to blend in with the crowd here. I feel many women have to drink with their guys because that's all guys do here. Especially in the area that I live-thats all people do and if you aren't drinking, well, you are just an odd ball. So, my A chastized me for wanting him to stop drinking because so many others around us drank, its just that he took it to a whole other level than other people. There's always an excuse to drink bc there is sports 24\7. So that's where all the abuse came from bc he saw no problem drinking all the time bc of the area he lived in. It made it acceptable. And if I wouldn't put up with him, there were 20 other beer drinking girls that would. He is very sociopathic and I've seen him use many girls as well for whatever reason and dispose of them. It sounds like our A's are cut out of the same cloth. Probably bc they grew up with the same lazy mentality.. I feel like our city is an Alcoholics paradise like I said before.

I live in L.A., and I've felt the same thing about here. I'm trying really hard to find a guy who doesn't drink or smoke pot here, and it's very hard.

I was just chatting on facebook with a guy I met a month or so ago I WAS interested in. We'd been trying to hook up but have been so busy. He tells me this morning that he went to a bar Sat night and ended up getting so drunk, he slept in his car til Sunday morning.

Now I know better, because of my exabf, and will just walk away from that guy. NEXT!

I think unfortunately, alcoholism is an epidemic. It's not just your town, D. also, it could be the age range you're dating in. Are you in your 20s? you might wanna try for an older guy..

I am 25. However the XABF was 34. Mine as well dated a 14 year old because I had so much responsibility. I can say dating him really aged me emotionally. I had to take on certain tasks that a young person just should be made privy to yet until they are married with children. But yeah, guys are guys everywhere and Alcoholics are the same. My town there is just nothing else to do but drink so its hard to get away from the constant drunkeness.

Yeah, here in L.A. there is plenty to do besides drink but there certainly are more bars per capita than we need...people in their 20s especially seem to be all about "clubbing" or "happy hours" or whatever.