things I wanted to say...

Old 04-30-2011, 12:22 AM
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things I wanted to say...

My exabf's last email to me was just nasty. Mean. And full of denial.

For my own purposes, I went through all the BS he said in his email and addressed it. Said what I felt and what I wanted to say, and typed it up.

I know there is no point to sending it to him. It's not going to change anything. Anything I say, he probably realizes on some level that it's the truth, but he chooses to keep being in denial.

If I did send it to him, he'd probably just call the therapist and accuse me of harrassing him, etc. I'm sure it would just make him angry and I need to stick to NC.

It just gets to me that I had to end contact with him being able to spew all of his lies, and I can't even counter them.

I know I have to just let this go. It's hard for me tho. I tend to be argumentative and hate letting people get away with lies. Any tips on how to handle this, internally?
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Old 04-30-2011, 03:34 AM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
My exabf's last email to me was just nasty. Mean. And full of denial.This is why I stopped opening emails.

For my own purposes, I went through all the BS he said in his email and addressed it. Said what I felt and what I wanted to say, and typed it up.He wins! He's got you dancing!

I know there is no point to sending it to him. It's not going to change anything. Nope. It won't change a thing except to prolong the drama and nastiness.

Anything I say, he probably realizes on some level that it's the truth, but he chooses to keep being in denial.No, he will not realize on some level it is the truth. Denial is not really a choice for alcoholics and addicts, it's a very fundamental and vibrant part of the disease and disfunction.

If I did send it to him, he'd probably just call the therapist and accuse me of harrassing him, etc. I'm sure it would just make him angry and I need to stick to NC.

It just gets to me that I had to end contact with him being able to spew all of his lies, and I can't even counter them. Who the hell cares about his lies!? Give him the gift of having the last word. So what? It'll drive him nuts that you don't respond and that's so much better that spewing anger. Taking the high road is good practice for Life.

I know I have to just let this go. It's hard for me tho. I tend to be argumentative and hate letting people get away with lies.Today you get to choose (respond) differently!! "Behold! I do a new thing!!"

Any tips on how to handle this, internally?This visualization has worked like magic for me on numerous occasions: Imagine that you and xbf are walking along a beautiful path in a sunny meadow. Up ahead there is a hilly ridge. You come to a fork in the path and you have chosen to take the one to the right and he is going left. You stand at the fork for a short while, express your love and gratitude for the lessons and love he has shared. You give him a gentle hug, and in your mind you ask HP to bless him. You say goodbye and part ways. You look back and wave once....and then you move ahead, quickly now, with your face turned up to the sun. The gentle breeze is kissing your hair as you move over the ridge to see what awaits on the other side.
Life is good.
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Old 04-30-2011, 04:41 AM
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I know I have to just let this go. It's hard for me tho. I tend to be argumentative and hate letting people get away with lies. Any tips on how to handle this, internally?
How about changing your email settings so that any emails from him go straight to your junk (spam) folder and you delete without reading them?

You already know his emails are just garbage, and garbage goes into the trash.

Your recovery is moving along!!!! This is just another step in 'letting go.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-30-2011, 04:46 AM
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sandrawg, so sorry you're hurting....

I have to agree with tjp613 100%!!! Know that you're not alone, your pain and feelings are understood.

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, you can do this.

Good for you for writing the letter! For me, I get great satisfaction from writing and then releasing--usually burning it in the fireplace or backyard grill. Or, sometimes a shredder does the trick. Either way I get to express what I want to express and move on...and all the while not counting on a particular response from anyone else. That way I've created and strengthened a relationship with myself.

Hugs,
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Old 04-30-2011, 05:29 AM
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Sandrawg, Imo, I think letting go is different for everyone. You said yourself that letting go & not reacting is what you need to do. So thats a good start just identifing that. But I understand that having a tool & utilising that tool are very different things. Getting your inner self to follow whats coming out of your mouth is so incredibly difficult. If you're anything like me, you'll probably be getting frustrated with yourself for not letting go quickly enough. For me, I needed to exhaust myself physically & mentally each day with positive (sometimes selfish) things. It left me with little to no time or energy to react to his drama. Id get a text filled with lies & other triggers. But by the time I read it, I was too damn exhausted to deal with it. Over time the importance of his drama dropped. The importance I put on reacting dropped. My negative care factor dropped. Eventually (and without consciencely realising) I had finally let go. Go easy on yourself. Letting go will come in time.*

On a side point, have you ever written yourself a letter? To sandrawg from sandrawg? Writing to yourself is an amazing way to bring your focus back on you. Its a very personal experience that reminds you how much you've starved yourself from your own love. I wrote one a few years ago when I was very anxious & angry with what Id been 'subjected' too. I attached a stamp & gave it to my mum to post. She posted it a few weeks later. I was still very caught up with my anger & my pain. I remember opening it on my way to the front door & collapsed into tears before I even had my keys out. It really hit home hard where I had misguidedly been wasting my energy.
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Old 04-30-2011, 05:55 AM
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I like the idea of marking his emails so that they go straight to junk or spam so that you don't even have to deal with them.

I feel very much like you in that when lies or distortions are thrown my way I have a VERY hard time not defending or arguing to "prove" the truth. It's stupid of me and at the end of the day leaves me 10 x more upset than I was to begin with. Recognizing what you are inclined to or tempted to do is a definite sign that you're moving fwd though, right?

I think it's good that you wrote out a response that you won't be sending to him but that allowed you to get out what you were thinking/feeling... I think that's something that gets recommended a lot in therapy as a way to deal with feelings that are swirling around and I find that when I do this (write but don't send) it helps me let go of the feelings...

Oh and you're right (IMHO)-- I think that most of the time, people who spend lots of energy spouting half truths, distortions and lies, like your ex bf or my H or whomever, are fully aware on some level that they are misrepresenting reality and they hope that you or I or whomever will respond and give credence to the lies/denial etc...

I think that silence is the loudest message you can send. I've certainly been told this same advice plenty and don't always do a good job of applying it, but I'm trying!
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Old 04-30-2011, 07:38 AM
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Someone here gave good advice that I've been (basically) following since. The advice was something like this:

1) Is there a question? If yes,
2) Does the question need to be answered? If yes, walk away, think about how you want to answer it. If no, file in your archives and forget about it.

I would advice against having his e-mails go straight to trash and delete without reading -- instead, I would set up the rules to have them go to a special archive folder. But that's because I'm dealing with an abusive stalkerish AXH. Just a thought.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:41 AM
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Perhaps you feel you can cure him...?

sandra I DID send an email, with all my hurts and real opinions

It felt good to share my views but it also sucked to realize he wouldn't give a damn anyway.

XABF response was "you should not have sent that letter"
And I was like "what about you shouldn't have DONE X or Y??"


By then I was already in SR and had read about the "the best defense is a good offense" and "attack the attacker" mechanisms of protection. It was an eye opener hearing him quacking. And I also realized I was entangled in a fantasy of him having a heart, memory, ability for introspection. THAT was hard to let go of..

I realized the guy I wanted to interact with was far gone. The guy next to me was someone else. OR maybe, he was no longer going to take anything from me, so he was able to show his real self as he didn't see payoff by acting nice. (Makes my stomach turn!)

I think if the guy was able to "get it" it would show some humanity and honesty and things wouldn't have been so horrible in the end. But he can't do that. He is not that person. I stopped trying to cure him.. I can't.

The only way to win is not to play... burning the letters helped me, I no longer want to convince or cure him anymore, he can believe whatever and do whatever, as long as its not with me, I am FINE
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:18 AM
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Hi sandrawg,
I'm a big fan of the Godbox, or burning them like TC said. I like to do something tangible, makes me feel like I am doing something instead of just sitting there and taking it. I also have my sponsor from alanon read things. That way I feel better knowing that someone got to see it, even if it wasn't him.

It's so hard to avoid the temptation of reading emails and listening to voice mails when you know you shouldn't. Even knowing that nothing good is going to come of it, I still find myself so curious that I have to see what is being said. Now, I think to myself, "whatever I find in this email, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to respond? (no- been no contact for a month now) Is it going to change anything? (no-it's all the same stuff he has told me time and time again, and never followed through on) Am I going to give him another chance? (no, absolutely not). Is it going to upset me, or steal my serenity? (YES, the answer is always yes.) So why bother looking at it?

90% of the time this works. Sometimes if I am having a bad day, I succumb to the pressure, the curiosity, and always end up regretting it. That's how he sucked me back in the first two times, caught me at a moment of weakness, and I read an email, and believed everything he said. I have to be stronger now, and I know you can be too!

Hope this helps in some way, keep writing those letters, I think it's healthy to get it all out that way. I know people have posted their letters on here before, and received validation and understanding about their feelings from others, which helps, especially because they knew that they wouldn't have received those things from the intended recipient. As you can tell, on this forum we love to read!
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:32 AM
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sandra-I'm like you, I can be argumentative and always want the last word. It's been hard for me to walk away but I have been working really hard and it has helped my serenity level a lot.

This time, I took the high road and did not respond to any of my EX's pleading, begging, angry emails. I use Outlook and set up rules for these emails to go into a folder where I can see that yes, I got an email from him, yes, I can read it, but no, I don't have to respond. Re-reading his helps me to see that anything I could say has already been said and would be used against me.

I have been thrown under the bus too many times, had my own words used against me and this time, I was determined not to respond. It does not mean that I haven't wanted to respond; I would compose emails and then save them in another folder - in fact, I went back and read some of his earlier ones to me, some of mine in response and realize that the only thing that changed was the date in which they were sent. This time, I didn't respond and it felt good. I didn't get back on the merry-go-round and say the same words over and over again, only to have them thrown back in my face.

The EX revived his Facebook page and yes, I looked (we're not friends) and judging from what I see, he is still up to the same old tricks. He's registered on dating sites (2weeks after we split up) and the line of BS he has on there is unbelievable. But, when I see that, it tells me that nothing will ever change with him.

I am moving forward and while I won't deny that there's hurt and anger to process through, I can come to SR, go to an Al-Anon meeting, read through their literature or Melody Beattie's books for comfort, inspiration and hope.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:40 AM
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Hugs, Sandrawg. Lots of good info here already. One quick note: NC = not contacting him and not looking at, picking up, answering the phone, etc., any of his attempts at contacting you. You wouldn't *get* to respond to his lies, denials, and cr-p, because you'd not be reading or hearing it. Ignorance can be bliss.

I've started using the tips that Lillamy posted, because I have to have contact with XAH because we have a son together. Those tips make it much easier.

I took the tip about sending his email to a special folder even further. The email address that XAH, his family and his GF use is now my junk address, used solely for him and his crew of enablers and victims.

I still write *to* XAH often to get out my f- you feelings, anger, hurt, to process through the issues in our relationship. If I hand write it, I burn it. If I type it on my computer, I delete it. I still get to express myself, but I don't set myself up for more cr-p from XAH.

Edit to add: I never type it from my email. I certainly do not want to accidentally hit that send button.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:56 AM
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I took the tip about sending his email to a special folder even further. The email address that XAH, his family and his GF use is now my junk address, used solely for him and his crew of enablers and victims.
Yes! I do this too -- that way, you don't have to even know that he's e-mailing you.
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Old 04-30-2011, 10:18 AM
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Just an FYI, the email he sent me was from a couple of weeks ago. He got around my filter by using a hushmail account. He's done that multiple times when I'd blocked him before.

Of course, now I know it's him whenever I see "hushmail", so I know to ignore it.

When you say "Re-reading his helps me to see that anything I could say has already been said and would be used against me.

I have been thrown under the bus too many times, had my own words used against me and this time, I was determined not to respond"

OMG! That is so characteristic of MY ex. He should come with a disclaimer "anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of debate with an alcoholic"...

Of course, I used his words against him, as well. I made a point of going through old IMs or emails to show where he contradicted himself (ie., LIED). lol

I gotta try to forget about that last email. It was a weird rambling one, anyway. He kept referring to himself as "your 23-yr-old boyfriend" (even tho he's my 27-yr-old EX boyfriend)...he brought in some stuff about his grandparents picking out burial plots (??? wtf, was this to get sympathy?)...he said "I can't be with you at this point in my life, it's too painful and too psychotic" (as if I would be with him anytime in the future) and at the end, leaves off with "figure out where this "I'll Make Him Pay" cr*p comes from and then, MAYBE"

And that's how it ends.

LOL! Maybe WHAT? Maybe you'll get back with me? And maybe pigs will fly out my b*tt!!!

In the same email he says he hated the way I made him feel (yeah, I hated the way he made me feel, too, when he was drinking. So we're even), insulted my career and lifestyle choice, and denied that he walked away from me over drinking. (Funny, I seem to remember in mid-March, he was begging me, asking what I wanted him to do to stay with him. I said STOP DRINKING. He walked. And less than a month after that, I find out he's hooking up with his ex. Oh, but he flatly denies walking away from me to rush into something with her. He's so delusional.)

Ok, now that I got all that out to you guys, I feel better. lol

THANKS!



Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
sandra-I'm like you, I can be argumentative and always want the last word. It's been hard for me to walk away but I have been working really hard and it has helped my serenity level a lot.

This time, I took the high road and did not respond to any of my EX's pleading, begging, angry emails. I use Outlook and set up rules for these emails to go into a folder where I can see that yes, I got an email from him, yes, I can read it, but no, I don't have to respond. Re-reading his helps me to see that anything I could say has already been said and would be used against me.

I have been thrown under the bus too many times, had my own words used against me and this time, I was determined not to respond. It does not mean that I haven't wanted to respond; I would compose emails and then save them in another folder - in fact, I went back and read some of his earlier ones to me, some of mine in response and realize that the only thing that changed was the date in which they were sent. This time, I didn't respond and it felt good. I didn't get back on the merry-go-round and say the same words over and over again, only to have them thrown back in my face.

The EX revived his Facebook page and yes, I looked (we're not friends) and judging from what I see, he is still up to the same old tricks. He's registered on dating sites (2weeks after we split up) and the line of BS he has on there is unbelievable. But, when I see that, it tells me that nothing will ever change with him.

I am moving forward and while I won't deny that there's hurt and anger to process through, I can come to SR, go to an Al-Anon meeting, read through their literature or Melody Beattie's books for comfort, inspiration and hope.
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Old 04-30-2011, 10:20 AM
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What is a Godbox? I heard it mentioned at the meeting I went to last night but wasn't sure what it is.

Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
Hi sandrawg,
I'm a big fan of the Godbox, or burning them like TC said. I like to do something tangible, makes me feel like I am doing something instead of just sitting there and taking it. I also have my sponsor from alanon read things. That way I feel better knowing that someone got to see it, even if it wasn't him.

It's so hard to avoid the temptation of reading emails and listening to voice mails when you know you shouldn't. Even knowing that nothing good is going to come of it, I still find myself so curious that I have to see what is being said. Now, I think to myself, "whatever I find in this email, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to respond? (no- been no contact for a month now) Is it going to change anything? (no-it's all the same stuff he has told me time and time again, and never followed through on) Am I going to give him another chance? (no, absolutely not). Is it going to upset me, or steal my serenity? (YES, the answer is always yes.) So why bother looking at it?

90% of the time this works. Sometimes if I am having a bad day, I succumb to the pressure, the curiosity, and always end up regretting it. That's how he sucked me back in the first two times, caught me at a moment of weakness, and I read an email, and believed everything he said. I have to be stronger now, and I know you can be too!

Hope this helps in some way, keep writing those letters, I think it's healthy to get it all out that way. I know people have posted their letters on here before, and received validation and understanding about their feelings from others, which helps, especially because they knew that they wouldn't have received those things from the intended recipient. As you can tell, on this forum we love to read!
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Old 04-30-2011, 11:13 AM
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I'm not sure what a Godbox is (I haven't heard that term exactly) but have heard others similar enough that my guess is that it sounds like the place you write your response and put it away somewhere never intending to send it-- you just write your response for you (and God). If I'm wrong, someone please correct me!
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:09 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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The trick is to stay busy.
And keep the new focus on the here and now
and the mind in my own circle.

It was a long time before I realized
that truth didn't need me backing it up
to be as real as it already is.

I have a 'no tolerance' liar policy.

I don't abide half-truths
and I don't spread them.

But that doesn't mean they're not flying like gnats
all around me most of the time.

I just have other things to do now.

I don't know
it becomes this ... thing
that isn't so necessary for *me* to be the one
following it up.

That was a big lesson for me.
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:20 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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But if you're ever in an argument with a 'last worder'
Ihave a tip for ya -

make sure their 'last word'
makes them look foolish.

Then leave it lying there, looking foolish.

That's why we have to learn
that the last word isn't such a great thing.

So we can let others learn it ... effectively.

Drives them RIGHT over the edge.
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:30 PM
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A god box is where you write things down, problems you are facing, situations that are troubling you, or issues that you are dealing with. You can even just write a person's name on a piece of paper, or a post it, whatever. Then you put it in the box. This is a tangible way of "giving something/someone to God", handing something over. When you drop it in the box, you let go and let God take care of it. At one of our annual retreats alot of people bring their god boxes and at a special ceremony on the last morning of the retreat there is a big bonfire and everyone burns the whole box. Someone brings a bunch of new boxes to the retreat, so everyone can choose a new box. I have a cigar box as mine. It could be a pretty bag, or an old purse, or even a cardboard box. It can be something interesting, like an old jewelery box from a thrift store or something.

Alot of my papers in it only have one word on them, like "future" or "job", or just someone's name. I have a little post it pad in there with a pen, to make it even easier to write things down and toss them in.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
Hi sandrawg,
I'm a big fan of the Godbox, or burning them like TC said. I like to do something tangible, makes me feel like I am doing something instead of just sitting there and taking it. I also have my sponsor from alanon read things. That way I feel better knowing that someone got to see it, even if it wasn't him.
I have a little gift-type box that I keep in my bedroom and I have put EXABF's name on a slip of paper and popped into my God-Box. Just the act of putting something on paper, putting it into the box is for me, a visual reminder of turning him (or whom or whatever) over to their HP.

Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
It's so hard to avoid the temptation of reading emails and listening to voice mails when you know you shouldn't. Even knowing that nothing good is going to come of it, I still find myself so curious that I have to see what is being said. Now, I think to myself, "whatever I find in this email, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to respond? (no- been no contact for a month now) Is it going to change anything? (no-it's all the same stuff he has told me time and time again, and never followed through on) Am I going to give him another chance? (no, absolutely not). Is it going to upset me, or steal my serenity? (YES, the answer is always yes.) So why bother looking at it?

90% of the time this works. Sometimes if I am having a bad day, I succumb to the pressure, the curiosity, and always end up regretting it. That's how he sucked me back in the first two times, caught me at a moment of weakness, and I read an email, and believed everything he said. I have to be stronger now, and I know you can be too!
kitty, I got sucked back into the web so many times after reading a pleading, begging, promising email and each and every time, I went back to the drama and chaos, thinking deep down that things would change. They never did. Like you, I have those weak moments, wondering if this time is "the time" that things will change. Judging from what I have seen, they haven't. It's not up for me to control whether they do change, only accept what is and move on and make the best for what I can control-me, my life and my decisions.

Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
Hope this helps in some way, keep writing those letters, I think it's healthy to get it all out that way. I know people have posted their letters on here before, and received validation and understanding about their feelings from others, which helps, especially because they knew that they wouldn't have received those things from the intended recipient. As you can tell, on this forum we love to read!
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Old 05-01-2011, 02:14 AM
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Yeah, I had so many promises and hollow declarations tossed at me...exabf could be in AA and working the steps 24-7 right in front of my FACE, and I still wouldn't fall for it.

Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
I have a little gift-type box that I keep in my bedroom and I have put EXABF's name on a slip of paper and popped into my God-Box. Just the act of putting something on paper, putting it into the box is for me, a visual reminder of turning him (or whom or whatever) over to their HP.



kitty, I got sucked back into the web so many times after reading a pleading, begging, promising email and each and every time, I went back to the drama and chaos, thinking deep down that things would change. They never did. Like you, I have those weak moments, wondering if this time is "the time" that things will change. Judging from what I have seen, they haven't. It's not up for me to control whether they do change, only accept what is and move on and make the best for what I can control-me, my life and my decisions.


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