Something I just typed into my journal
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Something I just typed into my journal
Thought I would share it here too, apparently I am feeling a lot of anger today.
"I want to take the 12 pack of beer he put in the entryway, I want to take it, break open each can, and while I'm breaking each can, yelling what it has ruined."
"I want to take the 12 pack of beer he put in the entryway, I want to take it, break open each can, and while I'm breaking each can, yelling what it has ruined."
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It's okay (to be angry that is). And it's okay to have whatever thoughts you have. I'm way less angry at AH than ever before but I have found that I am far angrier at alcohol and addiction itself for stealing what I loved from me.
When a relationship ends or we accept it's not going to be what we thought it would, we have a grieving process to go through. My sponsor likened it to the Elisabeth Kubler Ross stages of grief around dying-- anger, bargaining, denial etc... When I'm feeling something and I start telling myself I "shouldn't" feel that way, I remind myself of this grieving process and remind myself it's normal.
I am so sorry you're hurting... Alcoholism sucks and steals a lot from us all doesn't it?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I think you should do that! It's like in that movie When a Man Loves a Woman, when Andy Garcia and the little girl break all the booze bottles into the trash can in front of the house. Sounds like a great idea to me.....just sayin!
M
M
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Yeah, but then it would go back to the whole "dumping alcohol doesn't help anyone" he'd just go spend another $20 on a case of beer then. Plus, the codie in me wants to do it in front of him, to try and maybe get him to see how much he's hurt everyone with his actions. And I am smart enough to realize that would benefit no one.
he got arrested again last night, this time for a missing license plate( I had been told he had a work permit, apparently not otherwise he wouldn't have been arrested). His solution was to take back the car("fixing" the broken seatbelt first) and giving me his SUV, with the missing license plate, because at least I won't get arrested, just a ticket. A ticket I can't afford to pay. But I need to get to work too, so now I have no choice but to drive it. And then I've had to spend an hour already today, and I'm not done yet, cleaning the filthy thing. He used to make fun of me, call me filthy and many other names, for how I kept my vehicles, when his was 10x worse than any vehicle I ever owned.
So, that's where my anger is coming from at the moment.
he got arrested again last night, this time for a missing license plate( I had been told he had a work permit, apparently not otherwise he wouldn't have been arrested). His solution was to take back the car("fixing" the broken seatbelt first) and giving me his SUV, with the missing license plate, because at least I won't get arrested, just a ticket. A ticket I can't afford to pay. But I need to get to work too, so now I have no choice but to drive it. And then I've had to spend an hour already today, and I'm not done yet, cleaning the filthy thing. He used to make fun of me, call me filthy and many other names, for how I kept my vehicles, when his was 10x worse than any vehicle I ever owned.
So, that's where my anger is coming from at the moment.
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I remember the level of anger/frustration with situations like the one you describe.
I'm sending you some peaceful vibes to get you through. Stay focused on you and your plans. It was like a miracle when those sorts of situations were gone from my life.
I'm sending you some peaceful vibes to get you through. Stay focused on you and your plans. It was like a miracle when those sorts of situations were gone from my life.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thanks-I needed this post today. I, too, am feeling a lot of anger, but it's towards my EXabf, and it makes me realize how grateful I am that he's an EX and I no longer have to watch him destroy himself and our relationship with booze.
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Ah ended up coming home, he was supposed to have drill today, but apparently someone failed to tell half the soldiers that today was cancelled. So, he sat on his butt while I cleaned out the entryway(spring clean up) and get everything ready for the crappy couch out there to be thrown out. Which he and DS were supposed to do while I was at work, and they didn't. And I didn't get the phone call made. Is there some alkie sense that they have, clues them in to when we're trying to better ourselves?
I did yell at him this afternoon, I tried and I tried to ignore my thoughts, and I just couldn't. I feel like ****, I'm so tired of being so angry. I spent the shower, the drive to work, and half of work in tears(great thing about working on my own like that, I can do that).Then I come home, he's playing video games, kids are still awake, nothing was done, and there's dog **** on the bed(at least with that, I don't have to sleep on it, I sleep on the couch now, but I still had to do the laundry from it) yeah, I lost it a bit again, I did reign myself back in though.
The only good thing about tonight is that 15yo isn't mad at me, because he didn't have to babysit. Because you know, heaven forbid a teenager have to stay in on a Friday night. Well, two good things, no alcohol use either.
the marker thing, while a decent idea, is a no go, it would just **** him off. Quite frankly, I've done enough of that with my mouth today.
I did yell at him this afternoon, I tried and I tried to ignore my thoughts, and I just couldn't. I feel like ****, I'm so tired of being so angry. I spent the shower, the drive to work, and half of work in tears(great thing about working on my own like that, I can do that).Then I come home, he's playing video games, kids are still awake, nothing was done, and there's dog **** on the bed(at least with that, I don't have to sleep on it, I sleep on the couch now, but I still had to do the laundry from it) yeah, I lost it a bit again, I did reign myself back in though.
The only good thing about tonight is that 15yo isn't mad at me, because he didn't have to babysit. Because you know, heaven forbid a teenager have to stay in on a Friday night. Well, two good things, no alcohol use either.
the marker thing, while a decent idea, is a no go, it would just **** him off. Quite frankly, I've done enough of that with my mouth today.
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((((Pixi)))) I wish I was there to give you a real one. You have friends here and we care about you. I pray today is better. Find a way to call the counselors today, OK? You need to hear the reassurance that there IS a way out.
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LOL, but then I'd have to clean it up.
It's just all hitting me at once it seems. And then he was supposed to go get 3 old, expired carseats from his mothers house yesterday, I know they are there. They were all originally my kids', purchased by me. My Kohl's is working with Safe Kids today, and doing an expired, crashed carseat collection today. For every one turned in, I could get a $10 gift card. With the 3 seats there(plus one I have in my attic) I could've had $40 to spend on summer clothes for my two older kids(youngest has plenty, as last years mostly still fit). but, of course she says they aren't there. And that even if they were, I wouldn't get them. So that's setting me off too.
I know there's a way out, I know there is. I did forget my paycheck at work last night, so I'm going back in today quick to get it, I'll see if I can't have my sister watch the kids for a bit so I can go make the phone call in private.
It's just all hitting me at once it seems. And then he was supposed to go get 3 old, expired carseats from his mothers house yesterday, I know they are there. They were all originally my kids', purchased by me. My Kohl's is working with Safe Kids today, and doing an expired, crashed carseat collection today. For every one turned in, I could get a $10 gift card. With the 3 seats there(plus one I have in my attic) I could've had $40 to spend on summer clothes for my two older kids(youngest has plenty, as last years mostly still fit). but, of course she says they aren't there. And that even if they were, I wouldn't get them. So that's setting me off too.
I know there's a way out, I know there is. I did forget my paycheck at work last night, so I'm going back in today quick to get it, I'll see if I can't have my sister watch the kids for a bit so I can go make the phone call in private.
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Originally Posted by pixilation 
he'd just go spend another $20 on a case of beer then.
Originally Posted by pixilation
Plus, the codie in me wants to do it in front of him, to try and maybe get him to see how much he's hurt everyone with his actions. And I am smart enough to realize that would benefit no one.
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Join Date: May 2008
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I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but why don't you think you deserve better than this?
Originally Posted by pixilation
Ah ended up coming home, he was supposed to have drill today, but apparently someone failed to tell half the soldiers that today was cancelled. So, he sat on his butt while I cleaned out the entryway(spring clean up) and get everything ready for the crappy couch out there to be thrown out. Which he and DS were supposed to do while I was at work, and they didn't. And I didn't get the phone call made. Is there some alkie sense that they have, clues them in to when we're trying to better ourselves?
I did yell at him this afternoon, I tried and I tried to ignore my thoughts, and I just couldn't. I feel like ****, I'm so tired of being so angry. I spent the shower, the drive to work, and half of work in tears(great thing about working on my own like that, I can do that).Then I come home, he's playing video games, kids are still awake, nothing was done, and there's dog **** on the bed(at least with that, I don't have to sleep on it, I sleep on the couch now, but I still had to do the laundry from it) yeah, I lost it a bit again, I did reign myself back in though.
The only good thing about tonight is that 15yo isn't mad at me, because he didn't have to babysit. Because you know, heaven forbid a teenager have to stay in on a Friday night. Well, two good things, no alcohol use either.
the marker thing, while a decent idea, is a no go, it would just **** him off. Quite frankly, I've done enough of that with my mouth today.
I did yell at him this afternoon, I tried and I tried to ignore my thoughts, and I just couldn't. I feel like ****, I'm so tired of being so angry. I spent the shower, the drive to work, and half of work in tears(great thing about working on my own like that, I can do that).Then I come home, he's playing video games, kids are still awake, nothing was done, and there's dog **** on the bed(at least with that, I don't have to sleep on it, I sleep on the couch now, but I still had to do the laundry from it) yeah, I lost it a bit again, I did reign myself back in though.
The only good thing about tonight is that 15yo isn't mad at me, because he didn't have to babysit. Because you know, heaven forbid a teenager have to stay in on a Friday night. Well, two good things, no alcohol use either.
the marker thing, while a decent idea, is a no go, it would just **** him off. Quite frankly, I've done enough of that with my mouth today.
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I think it's the 15+ years that he's been working to beat me down. Made me think everything is all my fault. I do believe WE deserve better than this, ie:the kids, but I guess I'm still not convinced about myself personally. Some days I believe I deserve better, some days I don't.
Nice calm day today, although almost half my paycheck is already gone. Kids needed haircuts, lunch, and paying the oldest for babysitting for this week and next week.
Nice calm day today, although almost half my paycheck is already gone. Kids needed haircuts, lunch, and paying the oldest for babysitting for this week and next week.
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Well, for goodness sake, I hope you don't let him beat you down another 15+ years..I'm just speaking from experience of, 3.5 yrs off and on with an alcoholic who ALSO blamed everything on me. Honey, even putting a gun in his mouth and threatening suicide became my fault, ok? Because "I got tired of dealing with THIS s**t" --meaning, me trying to "control" him.
Don't buy that cr*p ok? He's a big boy. He makes his own decisions. He just has to blame everything on you so he doesn't have to face his own sick sick behavior.
I also speak w experience of my sister spending 15+ yrs with her alcoholic exh untl her bottom which was...him slashing his wrists, and claiming SHE drove him to it.
Now she is unhappy and alone. Probably has some PTSD. won't get therapy, won't go to al-anon. And her daughter is very messed up from having an alcoholic birth father and an alcoholic stepdad.
I know it's hard to leave. lord knows, I was off and on the whole time, 3.5 yrs, until I realized what I was doing ot myself. Not what HE was doing to me. What I was doing to myself, by not choosing to walk away. I was gonna get CRUSHED and DEMOLISHED if I stuck around--"collateral damage"--and I worked too hard to build myself up from bad things that happened to me 5 yrs ago. Please, take care of yourself.
Don't buy that cr*p ok? He's a big boy. He makes his own decisions. He just has to blame everything on you so he doesn't have to face his own sick sick behavior.
I also speak w experience of my sister spending 15+ yrs with her alcoholic exh untl her bottom which was...him slashing his wrists, and claiming SHE drove him to it.
Now she is unhappy and alone. Probably has some PTSD. won't get therapy, won't go to al-anon. And her daughter is very messed up from having an alcoholic birth father and an alcoholic stepdad.
I know it's hard to leave. lord knows, I was off and on the whole time, 3.5 yrs, until I realized what I was doing ot myself. Not what HE was doing to me. What I was doing to myself, by not choosing to walk away. I was gonna get CRUSHED and DEMOLISHED if I stuck around--"collateral damage"--and I worked too hard to build myself up from bad things that happened to me 5 yrs ago. Please, take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by pixilation
I think it's the 15+ years that he's been working to beat me down. Made me think everything is all my fault. I do believe WE deserve better than this, ie:the kids, but I guess I'm still not convinced about myself personally. Some days I believe I deserve better, some days I don't.
Nice calm day today, although almost half my paycheck is already gone. Kids needed haircuts, lunch, and paying the oldest for babysitting for this week and next week.
Nice calm day today, although almost half my paycheck is already gone. Kids needed haircuts, lunch, and paying the oldest for babysitting for this week and next week.
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Well, he's only been a drunk for half of that time, the rest of the time he was just verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusing me. And THEN came the alcohol.
new apartment listings come out tomorrow, I'll be looking at them very intently, I can tell you that much.
new apartment listings come out tomorrow, I'll be looking at them very intently, I can tell you that much.
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Nothing new jumped out at me from the listings, so I'm just calling a few I had written down from last month.
Middle son came to me tonight when i got home from work, sad. He's sad about having to move(all I told him was that daddy is sick and it can make him scary. And that we're moving after school gets out because of it)I originally told him about moving on Tuesday when I had to make the phone call and get us out quickly.
I think he realizes how much damage he did from that outburst. He bought groceries, lots of groceries(first time in ages my cupboard has been nearly full) he's been washing his own clothes, and he hasn't had a drink since Tuesday. Don't worry, I am under no illusions that he's sober. i know he's not working a recovery program, and based on past experiences, this won't last. i have had to reign myself in from any more angry outbursts(becuase yes, I did give in to a few of them). they wouldn't do anything at this point but break the "peace", and honestly, I'd like the peace to keep until I leave.
I am liking the calm though, I can't lie about that. I just know it won't last. Might last for days, weeks, even months, but it will break, because he(and I) aren't in recovery at the moment(stupid gas prices, I WILL go once I'm in town)
Middle son came to me tonight when i got home from work, sad. He's sad about having to move(all I told him was that daddy is sick and it can make him scary. And that we're moving after school gets out because of it)I originally told him about moving on Tuesday when I had to make the phone call and get us out quickly.
I think he realizes how much damage he did from that outburst. He bought groceries, lots of groceries(first time in ages my cupboard has been nearly full) he's been washing his own clothes, and he hasn't had a drink since Tuesday. Don't worry, I am under no illusions that he's sober. i know he's not working a recovery program, and based on past experiences, this won't last. i have had to reign myself in from any more angry outbursts(becuase yes, I did give in to a few of them). they wouldn't do anything at this point but break the "peace", and honestly, I'd like the peace to keep until I leave.
I am liking the calm though, I can't lie about that. I just know it won't last. Might last for days, weeks, even months, but it will break, because he(and I) aren't in recovery at the moment(stupid gas prices, I WILL go once I'm in town)
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Originally Posted by pixilation
I am liking the calm though, I can't lie about that. I just know it won't last.
Enjoy the calm! You deserve to enjoy it.
Just don't let it lull you into a false sense of security - and it sounds like you already know that.
I am happy for you that he is behaving right now.
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