GettingBy

So, the kids and I are heading out of town for a few days. We're heading to B'more for my nephew's first communion. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and away from AH. He's mad that I'm not letting him come with us, but I need this time away from him... and the kids need time to go play with their cousins.

And to be honest, I'm kind of pissed at him for even thinking he should come along. He hasn't respected one of MY family gatherings in over a year now, why the hell should I let him participate now?!?!


I'm flip-flopping between sadness and anger the past day or so. One minute I'm so pissed that he just doesn't GET IT, then the next, I'm SAD that he doesn't get it. I want to be married to him... but I won't as long as the drinking is going on... that's not going to happen. I haven't spoken to him, at all in about a week. We are co-habitating, and getting along fine.... as roommates, I guess. And the divorce is moving forward.... but last night, I really didn't want it to happen. I really, really want him to just stop drinking.

I talked to a friend about the whole situation yesterday. He thought I was being unreasonable... he said, "Geez, it sounds like if you'd just let the drinking go, you guys could work through all the other stuff." I said, "But, the problem is... as long as the drinking is going on, you CAN'T work on the other stuff!" And then I said, "Are you really asking me to accept unacceptable behavior? Would your wife stick around if you got drunk and grabbed her by the throat? Would she stick around if you got drunk on your anniversary and screamed at her in front of the neighbors... all because you wanted to stay and drink instead of taking her out to dinner? What would your wife do in those situations?" He said... "She'd kill me. And I wouldn't pull those stunts... and I guess if I did, I'd say I'm sorry." Well, the problem is... my AH DOES pull those stunts, and he DOESN'T say he's sorry.


I gues that's it in a nutshell this morning... I feel myself backsliding, slightly. So I'm here venting it because it's a safe place. I am going to miss my home meeting because I'm heading out of town... and I'm kind of panicky about that.


I just want my AH to get it. I read a post on here from a lady who's husband got in a car accident, went to rehab, and now they are back in love again... and I burst into tears. Why can't I have that?

I'm glad I'm going out of town for a few days. The change of scenery will do me good.

Thanks for listening.

XXXXXXXXXX

I know what you mean when you say "Why can't I have that?" I get caught up in the mindtrap all the time of asking "Am I not a good person? Do I not deserve some happiness?" and then my mind goes into wondering what is wrong with me.

I know what it is like to want something so badly, and reality hits you hard in the face that it may take some sort of miracle for that to happen, and in the meantime, I am forced to keep on moving.

Hang in there.

By the way, read that same post, and felt bad because my jaded mind kept saying "yeah rght honey, it's not that easy and you are fooling yourself right now". I hate to wish ill wil on anyone and that's not what I'm doing, but I have lived in a dream world during a honeymoon phase too.

I am a mess today. I heard the princess saying her vows on the radio today and it smacked me on the face that I should be a newlywed right now. I was driving and crying.

I am making the 5 hour trip back down to get the rest of my things this weekend. His mom is going with me. It is agonizing.

Hang in there, you aren't alone.

kittykitty

Deep breath here, and try to relax. I think bad days are common, especially in the beginning. Change is never easy, even if it's for the better, and realizing that things aren't the way I want them to be is something I struggle with alot. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that if the drinking stopped, everything would be peachy. But I know from extensive reading on here that the alcoholic has other problems than just drinking. There are other things that would need to be addressed, and granted the removal of alcohol consumption from the equation would help, it's not a cure all.

There's a reading in the ODAT about surrender, i'll see if I can find it, I think you might get some guidance from it.

wanttobehealthy

I hope that being with your family will help. Even if I don't talk to my family about what's going on with me in the moment, I find that being around them (some of them!) helps ground me and get my head back in a good place.

What you are describing feeling sad, confused, angry etc.. about all sounds very normal to me. I know I am not jumping for joy and feeling thrilled about my marriage being over and when I read your post I felt twinges of what you are describing as well.

You've said in the past you are not discounting the possibility of reconciliation in the future if things change with your H's recovery. So while it's probably not wise to cling to the hope that that will happen (I don't mean to suggest you are), maybe reminding yourself of that will take away a bit of the feeling of sadness?

I guess I am not full of good advice-- I just feel for you and know the sadness you describe. Don't beat yourself up for feeling it. I think you are aware of and willing to do what you need to do but that doesn't change how you feel. You can be simultaneously sad about the end of your marriage and still do what you need to. Sometimes it seems like people expect that these are mutually exclusive and I don't think they are...

On a side note- I have my nephew's 1st communion two weekends from now and AH obviously is not coming but hasn't stopped making comments about how unfair it is that I am keeping him from seeing his nephew. Our H's could be twins!

LaTeeDa

Aw, GB. I know what it's like when what you WANT and what life decides to give you are two entirely different things. It hurts. There is no way around that. You are handling it with grace and dignity, and that says a lot about you.

I hope your trip will refresh your mind and give you some peace to ease the pain, even if only temporarily.

There were times when I felt like the universe was conspiring to destroy me. But, from where I sit now, I see that every lesson it gave me was one I needed to learn. And, the grass really is greener over here.

Have fun on your trip.

L

Alone22

I too am feeling down today. Some days I can focus on the positive and just enjoy the good in life. I found myself thinking this morning that maybe living without the knowledge I have now was better. At least then I thought or believed that I was wanted and loved some of the time. Now I just feel empty. I long for his touch. Yesterday reading someone else's post on having sex with an AH really got me. She is able to enjoy it and want it even though their relationship is having issues with A too. Part of me wants to be like her, but that is just not me and I have to accept it.

Good for you staying strong and finding a way to show your friend why you feel the way you do. I honestly think until someone deals with an A it is really hard to understand what is really going on.

I wish I could find words of encouragement for you, but they just are not coming today.
Enjoy your weekend. It will be good to have something positive to do.

Fandy

I'm sorry you feel so craptastic....and i'm sorry your *husband* feels so entitled to even ask to be included.

try to put his actions on the back burner for the weekend and enjoy the support of your family and kids...you're right, a change of scenery will do you good...let him wallow around in his own juice and turn off your phone (just a suggestion).

skippernlilg

Oh gosh, I remember having these feelings. What's worked for me is learning to dive right into the moment I'm in. I put myself in safer and safer places as I go and I'm able to taste, smell, see, hear and feel happiness. Now. Today. If a disappointment arises, sometimes, I just try to appreciate even that as a lesson to appreciate the next good thing.

Have a good time with your family. Embrace it.

lillamy

Wow. I couldn't have put it that succinctly but there you have it.
Big hugs to you, GB.

tinabanina

GettingBy, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you.

My ups and downs are unbearable right now. I'm having to run into meeting rooms at work and shed a few tears here and there. After work today I don't think I could have run out of the office fast enough to get to my Al-Anon meeting, where I was a complete and utter mess.. crying and blubbering the whole time.

And I know how you feel when reading or hearing those success stories in which an alcoholic has recovered and made their relationship work with their partner. I was in an AA meeting a few weeks ago and one of the RA's was talking about how he and his wife stuck together through the whole ordeal and came out better on the other side. I just think to myself how badly I want that to be me, which is counter-productive for my recovery.

I don't really have anything very ground-breaking to say, since I'm not in the best headspace right now either... but I think sometimes, remembering to just smile can help.

Enjoy your mini getaway, you deserve some time away to reset.

Jazzman

Reminds me of when I was right where you are. I didn't want to loose the sober Mel, but just couldn't live with the drunk Mel one more day. Impasse, stale mate, just existing, not thriving, horrible environment for myself and my kids and nothing was going to change if I didn't change it.

LTD is right, you are handling this with grace, poise and dignity and providing a great model for others in your shoes. Also, it does get better, in this case the grass is greener.

nodaybut2day

Aww GettingBy...I remember this feeling all too well. What helped me move past it was reminding myself that just taking the drinking out of the equation wouldn't make my XAH a decent person OR the partner that I dreamed of.

I'm sorry your feeling so down in the dumps today.

GettingBy

Stalemate is exactly where we are right now. Thanks Jazzman... I needed that.







And a big thank you to all of you who have posted... I'm going to print this whole thread out and take it out of town with me. I don't feel like a great example strength today (that whole self-defeating, nagging voice in my head that's second guessing EVERYTHING!!)... but it's a phase... and I'm glad to bare all this out there for others to see. Even the seemingly "strong" ones have crappy days!


And this too shall pass.

I love you guys - I really, really do. I think I'd go insane if I didn't have this place as a reality check!

Anyways... I hope you all have a great weekend! I'll check in later and let you know the kids and I made the 6 hour drive okay!

Be well... each and every one of you!

fedup3

I have times when I just want to sit down and cry when my mind will wander back in time where life with AH was so much better before the disease really became full blown. But . . then I remember those times in a better light and discover even the times I thought were good just happened not to be as bad as the really bad times. I'm sure we will all wake up from this fantasy we've lived in for so long.

sandrawg

Your friend sounds like someone who doesn't understand addiction. Unfortunately, few people do - they have to live through it like we did.

I, too, didn't want to break up with my ex. I just wanted him to realize how great I am and wanted him to want a healthy life with me. Unfortunately, he didn't want it badly enough, or recognize his addiction enough, to get help.

They won't change, so we have to do the changing, because we're the only ones we can control. it's that, or tolerate really insane, unhealthy dynamics that cause us trauma, threaten our safety, can wreck our lives and our financial security, and mess with our self-esteem.

LS2

I don't know what it was but those words made me cry!

I'm going through the same stuff, except were not room mates anymore. It's hard.

kittykitty

Here's the ODAT reading I like about the difference between submission and surrender- pg 135. I paraphrased:

"In submission... an individual accepts reality conciously but not unconsciously. He accepts as a practical fact that he cannot at the moment conquer reality, but lurking in his unconscious is the feeling 'there'll come a day...' This is no real acceptance; the struggle is still going on. With this temporary yielding, tension continues.

"But when the ability to accept functions on the unconscious level as surrender, there is no residual battle; there is relaxation and freedom from strain and conflict."

I find this reading very useful for me, when I start thinking about the "if only's" in my life. If only he would stop drinking, if only he would see my point of view, if only he would start to care about himself. Projecting what things would be like "if only" is me not accepting reality the way it is.

Hope you and the kids are having a great weekend!