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Okay...NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD MY HAND!!!

Old 04-28-2011, 12:11 PM
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Unhappy Okay...NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD MY HAND!!!

Just got off the phone with RAH, or so called AH....

He lives 2000 miles from me. Promised to send house payment. No divorce was discussed.

I know he has been drinking for the past 3 months he has been gone. Says he hasnt...

Tells me he has only had 2 beers with his brother.

I find that UN-ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having the bills pile up on ME, then adding $10 GRAND to the debt for rehab. NOW BROKE!!! and its okay to have 2 beers? WTF??????????????????

He laughed at me and said..OMG..Are you kidding me, I cant sit and have 2 beers with my brother. We were sitting here in the house, we werent at the bar...You need to go see a mental doctor and have your head checked..You have major problems...

I have heard that story for years, as he sat at the kitchen counter getting fricken plowed...I use to beg, cry, scream...for him to stop!!!

I told him....2 Beers...1 Swallow DOES NOT WORK FOR ME anymore!!!

He accused me of sleeping with a preacher..I told him NO I am sleeping with ALANON and I like it!!!

I no longer have to accept 2 beers....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I told him I am going to the attorney, I AM [email protected]! like a piece of fricken burnt toast...I am DONE...

No recovery, with 2 beers does not work for me.

So he says: bring it on B**tch...I am no longer going to help with any money...And you better talk to your straight A college kid about the beer he drinks and oh, dont forget to call your mom who drinks too. Oh and dont forget to call of your friends who drink..You have lost your mind. You need to go see a shrink..

WHY CANT I HANDLE HIM DRINKING 2 BEERS!!!!!!!!!

Throws me over the edge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


IS it okay, if I dont except this CRAP anymore?????????????????

IN PUT PLEASE!!!!!!! hold my hand....Im falling to pieces right now!!!

Am I the one who needs a shrink????????????????????
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:22 PM
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Im at work, and just falling to pieces..have my courage to change book right here in front of me, cant even find a stupid page to read, that makes sense to me...

Its letting go with love, but it freaking hurts so bad.....

And the part where he laughed at me and thought 2 beers was okay..Behavior
that i can no longer swallow to hear...
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:25 PM
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Oh yeah, deep breaths.

I know all too well how you feel right now. The adrenaline rushing through your veins... fight or flight is full on. It's nauseating to have those discussions. It's so sad how quickly serenity is lost when we get sucked into the dance.

As Anvilhead said, it's not about having two beers... it's about the whole pattern/cycle of alcohol abuse. I danced that dance for years and years with my AH. The whole - Binge, I'm sorry, Abstinence, then Moderation... then right back to full on Binge. It's tiring. And I stepped back and SAW the cycle - and saw - "Yeah, it's only two beers... " right now... but at any moment, it slides down that slippery slope to a place neither of us likes being.


It's OKAY to want what you want. It's OKAY to not want active drinking in your life. What he's trying to do is persuade you into accepting something that's not acceptable to you... and guess what? It doesn't feel right to you... because IT'S NOT RIGHT.

Time to let go of the conversation with him... go outside, take a deep breath and smell a flower or two. Get the focus back on you, and put things back into perspective. Dive head first back into your program!
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:27 PM
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It's OK.
Breathe.
You're done, you're done.
Don't try to solve all your problems at once.
You're done, sit with that. You're done. Then when you can breathe again and say "Hi, I'm Bobby" without crying, you can start thinking of what the next step is.

One step at a time, right?
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:27 PM
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Anvil is right...it's not about the beer anymore. It's about his treatment of you and his lack of respect. You deserve better, hon. (((HUGS)))
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:29 PM
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2 beers seems to be the standard line it seems... I know it doesn't make it less infuriating to hear your own A saying it but does it help at all to know that the lines he threw at you - right down to the get your head checked, who are you sleeping with and pointing out that others in my life drink are ALL quack quack quack.

What do you need to do to stay in your house presuming he will not be sending any $ as he claims? (if his name is on the mortgage and you aren't divorced he doesn't have that option though). If you can't afford it yourself I'd call the mortgage co asap and see if they are willing to let you be late on payments or pay partial payments for a while. I don't really know if that's realistic but I have decided that I will ask anything once-- it never hurts to ask and lately it has helped me quite a lot to do so...

I am so sorry you spent the money and worse, the emotional energy on intensive rehab for him. I am grateful to those who told me harshly that spending serious $ on AH on rehab this winter would be a waste. I wanted to believe that would be the magic cure all and if I'd spent 10 k I didn't have and he were drinking even a sip or 2 beers or whatever, I'd lose my mind too.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

When I have been at the "I can't take it anymore or I will lose my mind" point I hear in your post I turn my phone off and have nc with AH for as long as I need to get my head on straight. Can you do that?
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:34 PM
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It is hard to give ourselves permission.

Give yourself permission to no longer accept his crap. You do not have to accept 2 beers, his behavior, his attitude, the way he talks to you. None of it.

If he was being a model adult up there you still have permission to tell him to kiss off if you want. History alone is real and we can make decisions based on history, current practice, our needs and desires, what we can accept and not accept, even as they change with time.

Give yourself permission to make the choices that are best for you. While you are working on that, quit talking to him for awhile. He is being emotionally abusive and manipulative by changing the focus, shifting the blame, pushing buttons he knows are there, and confusing you. The circular conversations will keep you in a confused and painful place. They create confusion and doubt about issues that are both irrelevant and false.

That was my experience and I could not get out of the fog until I stopped with the circular conversations. They also got worse and worse.
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:36 PM
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2 beers, 10 beers, no beers. It really doesnt matter mate. When you've hit your limit, you don't have to take on more. Perhaps its time to make your own inner peace your number one priority. Focus your energy and hope inward for awhile until you're ready to make big decisions.
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:48 PM
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Agreed...2 beers or 12. You've been pushed to your breaking point and now you're overcome with anger/rage/frustration/sadness/ARG! I get it. Been there.

As for his tactics...
"Oh it's only two beers"
"YOU'RE the one with the problem"
"You're probably screwing around with x, y and z"
"Bring it on, I can take you"

...well, these are just commonplace...so much so in fact that he's boring me. Would you mind if I yawned?

Ok, sorry. Trying to lighten the

Perhaps take some time to write things out so whenever you have a low moment of feeling sorry for him, you can re-read your words and get some resolve.

Now, what's the next step for you?
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Old 04-28-2011, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
IS it okay, if I dont except this CRAP anymore?????????????????
Bobby, he's trying to make this out to be right and wrong. Resist the urge to take up that particular song and dance.

His drinking is unacceptable. No right or wrong attached to it - it's simply unacceptable for you to be married to him under those circumstances. He chooses to drink, and you choose to divorce. End of story.

That's not to say there is no emotion attached to it, of course there is. But clearly he's throwing (and will likely continue to) everything at this in hopes something sticks because he can't or won't accept that for you his drinking is unacceptable. There are none so blind as those who won't see.

You are in control of your destiny, and he of his. Leave it at that.
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:03 PM
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It doesn't matter if it were 2 or 2,000. You deserve a partner who is willing to work on themselves as much as you are. A partner who is invested in himself becoming a better person. You have been doing wonderful things for yourself, you have been given the gift of a new relationship with your daughter and your grandchild. Keep growing, keep recovering, your life has wonderful adventures in store for you. Trust your intuition. Do the next right thing, one step at a time, as they say!
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:49 PM
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It's unacceptable to you.
That's the beginning and the end of it.
You are allowed to say that.
It's okay.
You're done, and that's where you're at, and you're allowed to feel that way.


That said, "2 beers" for an alcoholic is very rarely truly 2 beers, anyway.
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:58 PM
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I'd agree with all the others, BobbyJ. It's not about the number of beers, it's about how he treats you - his commitment or lack thereof to you. He's failed to hold up his end of the bargain and he's trying to distract you and throw you on the defensive. Kind of the Wizard in OZ - Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. No, no, don't look at the fact that I haven't sent you or done some of the stuff I've promised you I would do, don't look at the fact that I lied about drinking, look at the fact that it was only *2* beers (that hour), oh wait you must be sleeping around because I'm not there to watch you, oh wait, I saw your sister have a beer once, so she's an alcoholic too..... blah, blah, blah, quack, quack, quack....

It is so OK for you to be done with this. He will try to distract you, smoke and mirrors, lies, he will (continue to) be nasty because he's losing what control he had over you (and/or over the alcohol).

Hang in there, breathe, treat yourself gently and just remember that you only have to worry about taking the next right step for you.
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Old 04-28-2011, 03:25 PM
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Okay, Im breathing again. I wrote this, then picked up the phone and called a Alanon friend with years of experiance. She came running into my work. We put a closed sign up, and I cried a bucket...

She told me the exact things as you have written....Im okay, & its not just the beer.

Im so mad at him...He just lays there in a bed of diesase, rotting to death, and likes it.

Its sad of finally letting go of my hopes & dreams. Marriage, the family, the husband, all of that crap.....Gone.

I have done alot of quacking myself, but Im done...Your right, when you find your point of "DONE" you and only you will know it...(Im there,it scares the crap out of me)

But I know, the storm has only begun..It wont take him long to be back here, drunk,
making all of his threats and showing his sad tears...

He said he would like to meet alanon friends, they must be a group of dumb asses..

I told him, call your sponsor that you once had, see if he feels the same about
your way of thinking and ask him if 2 beers matters..IM TIRED of listening to your
b.s...

OMG...What a day.....Just want to go home & hide in bed...

THANK YOU GUYS...I NEEDED TO HEAR ALL OF THIS..& I will re-read it all again
when I get home, and again the next day....BIG HUGS to ALL OF YOU!!!
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Old 04-28-2011, 03:29 PM
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Was thinking back, from last summer..

He said he liked to drink beer when it was hot outside. That was the only time
I ever seen him drink beer. Maybe 1 or 2.....

But he forgot to mention to tell me he had a 1/2 of a 5th BEFORE the 2 beers....

Thanks for reminding me...I need my ass kicked, dont I?
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Old 04-28-2011, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Thanks for reminding me...I need my ass kicked, dont I?
Aww - no you don't.

He's taking up all the space in your head. It doesn't matter what he drank today, or last summer.

You have your reality and you know what you know and the gift in the midst of all this pain of letting go of your dream is that you no longer have to think about it. Alcoholism, deception, drinks, etc. There is no reason to.

Let that soak in for a minute because it was huge for me. I no longer had to think about it. Even now, over a year later, I can remember the feeling of the clouds parting and the sun shining down with that realization.
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:14 PM
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BobbyJ... Wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. Just frickin sad that after all of that your AH STILL doesn't get it. I hate what he said to you. You did not deserve it one bit. The others are so wise and said such perfect things to you I don't have anything to add. Letting go of your dream must be a very difficult place to be. Even knowing this all relates back to his illness, all that comes with it and all alanon has taught you, it has to be a major gut wreching experience to go through.

Time to weather the storm and know that better days are ahead of you!
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:21 PM
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Bobby you are absolutely right. The quantity does not mater to us at this point. If they drink they are drinking and one is too much. Boundaries do not tend to include a quantity.

Rehab is not cheap. $10,000 was a huge commitment on your part. All you can do at this point is say you did everything you could to support treatment options and exhaust all the possibilities you could find. It is up to them to work the treatment we can not do it for them. As I said last night in a post I was open to rehab for my wife as it was a new line of treatment. Just like with any illness we keep trying all possible treatments until we exhaust all the options. You have done that and now make your choices knowing you tried everything.

I am so sorry your AH’s treatment did not stand the test of time. You did all you could. Don’t be hard on yourself for being supportive of treatment it was the right thing to do at the time.

I give my wife a great deal of credit here. I am very proud of her efforts in treatment. All I can do is trust in an HP that things will work out as they are intended to.
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:28 PM
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I don't want this to sound condescending and hope it doesn't, but I'm so proud of you, BobbyJ!! Calling, asking for help from a IRL friend! Way to go!

Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
OMG...What a day.....Just want to go home & hide in bed...
Sounds like a good plan for this evening. Some days we just need to spend all our tears and curl up and rest for a while so we can take the next step tomorrow.

Hang in there!
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:38 PM
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LOL, Anvil,

Yup, knowin' when to hold 'em, knowin' when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to RUN.

Dang, hadn't thought of that song in awhile.
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