looking for advice

Old 04-28-2011, 04:39 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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looking for advice

I won't go into the long details but about two months ago my girlfriend and I had a fight about her drinking. She drinks about 3/4 to a bottle of wine a night and does it usually within an hour to 1-1/2 hrs. She says she does it to cope and she says she doesn't have a problem. The next day she called and said all this stuff about having a problem, not knowing when to stop, having friends that drink a lot and it is causing problems in our relationship. She said she was going to stop, and I was happy but skeptical because this has happened before. Well she did stop, but for four days. Then she said that it was okay if she had a drink now and then. then it was back to her normal drinking. She says it is okay because we don't fight. But when she drinks I don't talk to her because her disposition changes and sometimes her common sense goes out the window and because I am just frustrated about the whole thing.

My question is: does she have a problem or is it me. I think I know the answer but I guess I need some reinforcement. I don't know what to do. I know I can't make her stop. I am thinking about alanon too. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:42 AM
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She says she does it to cope and she says she doesn't have a problem.

I said the exact same thing. Oh and by the way...Im an alcoholic.

Have you gone to alanon? Ever consider breaking up with her? If shes making excuses about her drinking it will only get worse from here...guarantee!
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Old 04-28-2011, 05:45 AM
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My husband said all those same things. For the past 10 years we have gone round and round... his drinking gets out of control, I get upset, he apologizes, acknowledges the drinking isn't good, he says he'll cut back... he "dries" out for a while, says - "See I can control it!", so he starts having "one or two", and then it creeps up on him... suddenly... massive binge, $hit hits the fan... and the merry-go-round starts all over again.

My AH isn't going to stop. Getting married didn't motivate him. Buying our first house didn't do it. Having two beautiful children didn't. Two months ago (after he crossed a BIG boundary and laid a hand on me), I said, "Enough. I'm done." I filed for divorce... and guess what?

Even that isn't enough for him to stop. He's adamant - "I can control my drinking. I DON'T have a problem." But he can't, and I'm not willing to give him anymore of my precious life.

Nothing you say or do is going to get your girlfriend to "see" what is going. You can't control her, or cure her. All you can do is take care of you, see how living like this has affected you, learn from it, heal from it.

You need to decide what you want your life to look like, and what you will and won't accept. And if I could make a humble suggestion... don't try and get those answers right away. They will come in time.

Going to Al-anon is a wonderful idea!

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Old 04-28-2011, 05:52 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR!

These are some steps that helped me:
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:18 AM
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"I can stop any time I want."
"I only drink so I can cope."
"I drink so that I can understand when my manager talks to me, because drinking brings my intelligence down to his level."

These are all things that my XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) told me, to justify his drinking.
From there it went into:

"I know I have a problem, but I can't stop right away, I have to just drink less tomorrow."
"I drank because you didn't remind me not to."
"You have a lot of power over me, you can make me stop, why haven't you?"

And it was a downward spiral from there, to the point where I wasn't taking care of myself at all because I was so fixated on trying to "help" him fix his problem. But it wasn't my problem to fix! And the more work I put into fixing it, the less effort he put into it. It was a setup doomed for failure.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
I absolutely recommend attending some Al-Anon meetings, you can meet some great people, and learn some great skills for working on yourself.
From there, you can figure out where you want to go in your life.

Welcome to the forum!
You're not alone.
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