therapist visit
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
therapist visit
I saw my therapist today (yes, the one who is also seeing my ex.)
Come May 9th, I'll be contacting a therapist I had from many years go-she's on vacation now-about seeing her. She's covered by my health insurance.
It was reassuring and helpful..he told me I am OCD about my ex, and the girl he's seeing now (who is HIS ex, who undermined our relationship.) Whenever the girl's NAME got brought up, my whole expression and demeanor changed and became really sour.
The therapist told me, my ex is at the very least chemically dependent on alcohol but probably an alcoholic. It's comforting to me that he recognizes that. He said that the ex is with his pothead doormat ex because she doesn't "judge" him or put any boundaries on him, enables his drinking, and doesn't care if he treats her like dirt.
He said if there is any hope of me and the ex getting back together it is in remaining no contact with each other. But I told him I don't even CARE about getting back with the ex.
I feel like, how could my ex have been claiming to love me, meanwhile hooking up with his ex who he knew he could turn to as a "backup"? And knowing that he's just using this girl so he doesn't have to be alone...it turns my stomach. I have no respect left for my ex. And he could be the best AA sober person in the world--that is a big stretch to imagine at this point--I still would have major issues trusting him.
So, I don't feel it's going to happen.
My problem is dealing with the obsessive thoughts of what I feel HE did to me, which I can't seem to let go of. I can't even do the "he's got a disease so I need to detach with love." I still see him as a jerk.
Anyway, I was all anxious and an emotional wreck before I saw the therapist and felt a lot better afterwards, and was able to move forward with some pleasant social activities, so I felt the visit helped a lot. Tomorrow is another day, another al-anon meeting...recovery is very time-consuming..lol
Come May 9th, I'll be contacting a therapist I had from many years go-she's on vacation now-about seeing her. She's covered by my health insurance.
It was reassuring and helpful..he told me I am OCD about my ex, and the girl he's seeing now (who is HIS ex, who undermined our relationship.) Whenever the girl's NAME got brought up, my whole expression and demeanor changed and became really sour.
The therapist told me, my ex is at the very least chemically dependent on alcohol but probably an alcoholic. It's comforting to me that he recognizes that. He said that the ex is with his pothead doormat ex because she doesn't "judge" him or put any boundaries on him, enables his drinking, and doesn't care if he treats her like dirt.
He said if there is any hope of me and the ex getting back together it is in remaining no contact with each other. But I told him I don't even CARE about getting back with the ex.
I feel like, how could my ex have been claiming to love me, meanwhile hooking up with his ex who he knew he could turn to as a "backup"? And knowing that he's just using this girl so he doesn't have to be alone...it turns my stomach. I have no respect left for my ex. And he could be the best AA sober person in the world--that is a big stretch to imagine at this point--I still would have major issues trusting him.
So, I don't feel it's going to happen.
My problem is dealing with the obsessive thoughts of what I feel HE did to me, which I can't seem to let go of. I can't even do the "he's got a disease so I need to detach with love." I still see him as a jerk.
Anyway, I was all anxious and an emotional wreck before I saw the therapist and felt a lot better afterwards, and was able to move forward with some pleasant social activities, so I felt the visit helped a lot. Tomorrow is another day, another al-anon meeting...recovery is very time-consuming..lol
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Give it time Sandra, and fill up your time with nice things. You know you are well-rid of him, but yea, it is annoying, all the cr@p he pulled.
"Better your own company, than bad company"
"Good riddance to bad rubbish"
Repeat.:ghug3
"Better your own company, than bad company"
"Good riddance to bad rubbish"
Repeat.:ghug3
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Sandrawg, I feel your anger and anxiety leaping off the screen. And I truly understand that unrelenting need to scream. I too got very deeply fixated on the "how could he do this to ME". Nothing my family or support people said helped me even though their advice was correct. I wish I could give you the steps that helped me out of that anger laced obsession but I honestly dont know how it passed. One thing that did help greatly though was monitoring my anxiety by getting good sleeps, avoiding caffeine etc. It definately decreased my fixations intensity when I actively lowered my anxiety. I wish you the world of good luck & hope that a change in therapist helps you refind peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
In my experience, the anger can be channeled to get a good result. I've found that it's usually ME telling ME to take care of myself and to treat myself as I deserve to be treated. So I take that anger, I feel it, and I go out to a quiet place and scream what I'm angry about and THROW ROCKS as hard and as far as I can. I may sound silly, but it releases the emotion and keeps the anger from festering and then coming out in ways detrimental to me.
Also, re-frame the anger (after you've felt it and expelled it.) He's doing this to HIMSELF! It's no reflection on you in any way, shape or form. He's just not capable of being a caring, loving, responsible adult because of the addiction. After you release the anger, take yourself out on a really nice date. Treat yourself the way you should be treated. We have to treat ourselves well before anyone else will.
You are a wise, good, talented, fun, beautiful, intelligent woman. Treat yourself like the beautiful soul you are. If he can't see this, his loss for sure. And while you're living your life and treating yourself with dignity and respect, remember he is checking out of life lost in a bottle while his "GF" is sitting next to him checked out by being high. Doesn't sound like so much fun to me!
You will get through this! And soon he'll be a small bump in a road you've left behind.
Also, re-frame the anger (after you've felt it and expelled it.) He's doing this to HIMSELF! It's no reflection on you in any way, shape or form. He's just not capable of being a caring, loving, responsible adult because of the addiction. After you release the anger, take yourself out on a really nice date. Treat yourself the way you should be treated. We have to treat ourselves well before anyone else will.
You are a wise, good, talented, fun, beautiful, intelligent woman. Treat yourself like the beautiful soul you are. If he can't see this, his loss for sure. And while you're living your life and treating yourself with dignity and respect, remember he is checking out of life lost in a bottle while his "GF" is sitting next to him checked out by being high. Doesn't sound like so much fun to me!
You will get through this! And soon he'll be a small bump in a road you've left behind.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sandrawg 
My problem is dealing with the obsessive thoughts of what I feel HE did to me, which I can't seem to let go of. I can't even do the "he's got a disease so I need to detach with love." I still see him as a jerk.
"He's not doing it TO YOU, he's just doing it."
It's okay to see him as a jerk. Perfectly fine and based on reality actually. Just remember that his jerkiness has absolutely nothing to do with you.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by sandrawg
I saw my therapist today (yes, the one who is also seeing my ex.)
My problem is dealing with the obsessive thoughts of what I feel HE did to me, which I can't seem to let go of. I can't even do the "he's got a disease so I need to detach with love." I still see him as a jerk.
My problem is dealing with the obsessive thoughts of what I feel HE did to me, which I can't seem to let go of. I can't even do the "he's got a disease so I need to detach with love." I still see him as a jerk.
I still don't buy 100% into "it's not being done to you" bc I think a little too logically at times and that doesn't always mesh with al anon. If an alcoholic commits a crime against a stranger and is brought to court for it the court doesn't care that it was bc of the disease and wasn't about the person who the crime was committed against. Whether behavior is "about" us or not, you have every right to be hurt and confused by it.
When I stopped trying to not let AH's behavior hurt me and just accepted that it DID hurt, THAT was when I found myself able to not be consumed by it.
When I felt I was being told (last year when I started al anon and T) I had to accept it was a disease and that I shouldn't take it personally I was stubborn and resentful. I didn't want to give him an "out" (that's how I viewed it). I kept going to T and to al anon and I had to figure it out myself and reconcile how I felt with what I knew intellectually (2 different things) and when I did I was able to say "yes AH's behavior hurts BUT I can CHOOSE to take it personally or I can choose to see it as his issue". I am not always able to do the latter -- especially when I am tired or stressed-- but I can do it a lot more often now than ever before and it makes the hurtful things that used to consume me have soooooo much less power and presence in my life.
Hope something in what I've said is useful...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My problem is dealing with the obsessive thoughts of what I feel HE did to me, which I can't seem to let go of. I can't even do the "he's got a disease so I need to detach with love." I still see him as a jerk.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Something popped in my head while reading your post
and I'm passing it on to you -
okay.
we're just going to hurt ... until it heals.
that's just ... being in a body and how it goes.
and like someone else said -
i 've been this way too -
and I also don't remember exactly WHAT
made it diminish
I only know that it finally ...did.
There's your 'hope' right there.
it DOES ... diminish.
MEANWHILE _
we get BUSY!!!!
ok -
so here's the thing -
I think
maybe think about one thing
ONE thing
that you always WANTED him to do
but he never did for you
and get up right now
and go do it.
It may have been flowers
(how many of us NEVER even got flowers for now reason?)
maybe it was we wanted to get a nice meal served to us
or maybe a trip to the spa
whatever.
That 'thing' we always 'waited for but never got.
Get up and go to /get it FOR YOURSELF right now.
Go buy yourself some flowers to plant in the yard
or to put on the table
take a long bath and use every smelly oil in the house
get your hair done
SOMETHING.
IT's going to help you get started.
and I'm passing it on to you -
okay.
we're just going to hurt ... until it heals.
that's just ... being in a body and how it goes.
and like someone else said -
i 've been this way too -
and I also don't remember exactly WHAT
made it diminish
I only know that it finally ...did.
There's your 'hope' right there.
it DOES ... diminish.
MEANWHILE _
we get BUSY!!!!
ok -
so here's the thing -
I think
maybe think about one thing
ONE thing
that you always WANTED him to do
but he never did for you
and get up right now
and go do it.
It may have been flowers
(how many of us NEVER even got flowers for now reason?)
maybe it was we wanted to get a nice meal served to us
or maybe a trip to the spa
whatever.
That 'thing' we always 'waited for but never got.
Get up and go to /get it FOR YOURSELF right now.
Go buy yourself some flowers to plant in the yard
or to put on the table
take a long bath and use every smelly oil in the house
get your hair done
SOMETHING.
IT's going to help you get started.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Oh wonderful, new look!!
sandrawg I feel I am reading a post from TC999... lol..I feel exactly the same way and have realized jerks are jerks, and alcoholized jerks are even worse, and I don't want to be around them anymore. I felt sadness and longing for a long time. Then anger. I am now in the 60% anger - 40% nausea stage. LOL. I LIKE IT. I am looking FORWARD to100% nausea, I feel indifference comes right afterwards.
I love this thread, all the posts help me, too.
I realized I have been a doormat and what I did was get to kickboxing and box lessons. I even bought my gloves! I love them. I still feel the need to punch the guy and the gf, so I imagine they are right there and its MY turn to express what their actions made me feel... note, this is also very normal and human, and is a long shot from victimhood. For me if I was still a victim I would still be there swallowing my opinions and being disrespected with words and actions everyday and still think that is all I am worth. So I no longer judge myself nor compare my mourning to anyone else, I just go "I am angry due to X. OK. FINE. How will I get it out of my system??" then do it. We have feelings, period and as we always say, actions are the ones that speak the truth, and we are no longer trying to get bread from the HW store, so in my view we have left the victim role and are just processing things so we can be prepared for what comes next.
Taking care of myself is also talking to myself with love so I can go "how could he!!" and another loving voice answers "all those things he did are EXACTLY why you left... they are the past now, you are FREE now, you are the BEST, strong and brave.. look how you made decision Y for your benefit.. look at all the great things YOU have done by yourself" and well kind of try to give myself SUPPORT. Then I start liking it and go on and try to obsess about my own achievements, or about the times I have had lots of fun, when those characters were not part of my life.
Thinking of "them".. well I have done that for YEARS.. but I have worked on the inner child thing and when I torture myself with such thoughts I think of myself as a very small girl and it is clear to me that girl is innocent and deserves care and attention. And remember its Modus Operandi of addiction, the need to have enablers so when the GF stops being a doormat someone else will be right there after two winks. Its what he needs to keep addiction alive. Love? LOL! nothing in that dance has to do with love. It has everything to do with need and self destruction.
Like they said in the Heroes series .. "you can have sex to get you out of your misery, but afterwards you are still miserable"..for some reason this was very healing for me... jerks are always themselves no matter who is around or where in the world they live. I stop suffering when I realize they don't change, the only thing that changes is the emotional/financial cost that gladly I won't have to pay. And for the need of revenge, I remember Ex already lost an outstanding woman, who is very spiritual, generous, intelligent, warm, well-traveled, artistic, and has a ton of other qualities, and will never get her back again. He has already been punished with the absence of such a wonderful person. LOL!! the great thing is that I really believe this now... I have a less distorted view about myself now.
I wrote my qualities in a huge board in my room and have to read it everyday, I advice for you to do the same, put colors, paste pics, make it fun..
All the best in your journey
sandrawg I feel I am reading a post from TC999... lol..I feel exactly the same way and have realized jerks are jerks, and alcoholized jerks are even worse, and I don't want to be around them anymore. I felt sadness and longing for a long time. Then anger. I am now in the 60% anger - 40% nausea stage. LOL. I LIKE IT. I am looking FORWARD to100% nausea, I feel indifference comes right afterwards.
I love this thread, all the posts help me, too.
I realized I have been a doormat and what I did was get to kickboxing and box lessons. I even bought my gloves! I love them. I still feel the need to punch the guy and the gf, so I imagine they are right there and its MY turn to express what their actions made me feel... note, this is also very normal and human, and is a long shot from victimhood. For me if I was still a victim I would still be there swallowing my opinions and being disrespected with words and actions everyday and still think that is all I am worth. So I no longer judge myself nor compare my mourning to anyone else, I just go "I am angry due to X. OK. FINE. How will I get it out of my system??" then do it. We have feelings, period and as we always say, actions are the ones that speak the truth, and we are no longer trying to get bread from the HW store, so in my view we have left the victim role and are just processing things so we can be prepared for what comes next.
Taking care of myself is also talking to myself with love so I can go "how could he!!" and another loving voice answers "all those things he did are EXACTLY why you left... they are the past now, you are FREE now, you are the BEST, strong and brave.. look how you made decision Y for your benefit.. look at all the great things YOU have done by yourself" and well kind of try to give myself SUPPORT. Then I start liking it and go on and try to obsess about my own achievements, or about the times I have had lots of fun, when those characters were not part of my life.
Thinking of "them".. well I have done that for YEARS.. but I have worked on the inner child thing and when I torture myself with such thoughts I think of myself as a very small girl and it is clear to me that girl is innocent and deserves care and attention. And remember its Modus Operandi of addiction, the need to have enablers so when the GF stops being a doormat someone else will be right there after two winks. Its what he needs to keep addiction alive. Love? LOL! nothing in that dance has to do with love. It has everything to do with need and self destruction.
Like they said in the Heroes series .. "you can have sex to get you out of your misery, but afterwards you are still miserable"..for some reason this was very healing for me... jerks are always themselves no matter who is around or where in the world they live. I stop suffering when I realize they don't change, the only thing that changes is the emotional/financial cost that gladly I won't have to pay. And for the need of revenge, I remember Ex already lost an outstanding woman, who is very spiritual, generous, intelligent, warm, well-traveled, artistic, and has a ton of other qualities, and will never get her back again. He has already been punished with the absence of such a wonderful person. LOL!! the great thing is that I really believe this now... I have a less distorted view about myself now.
I wrote my qualities in a huge board in my room and have to read it everyday, I advice for you to do the same, put colors, paste pics, make it fun..
All the best in your journey
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by sandrawg
He said that the ex is with his pothead doormat ex because she doesn't "judge" him or put any boundaries on him, enables his drinking, and doesn't care if he treats her like dirt.
She also added
"Later in life these women arrive to my office DESTROYED"
And I believe her, because it happens I rent a place next to her home, and I meet her other patients in passing, and I see their faces, and I meet some of them in group therapies, and I meet their children (many of them addicts themselves), and I realize my suffering is NOTHING compared to what these people go through... I realize I missed the bullet and all I am is THANKFUL active addiction is no longer part of MY life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Some of the wisest words I ever read on this site:
"He's not doing it TO YOU, he's just doing it."
It's okay to see him as a jerk. Perfectly fine and based on reality actually. Just remember that his jerkiness has absolutely nothing to do with you.
L
"He's not doing it TO YOU, he's just doing it."
It's okay to see him as a jerk. Perfectly fine and based on reality actually. Just remember that his jerkiness has absolutely nothing to do with you.
L
That is the part I get stuck on though: He may not be doing it TO ME or because of me but if that is the case, why am I the one feeling badly?
Not highjacking the thread, I get caught up in the things that make no sense and can't let them go easily as well.
Practice practice practice!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It's okay to see him as a jerk.
L
L
Gladly I no longer even think so much about XABF! YAY!
I agree with the thought that it just "happens" but I also agree that there is a lot of inner work involved, perhaps forgetting them is easier but you don't want the next guy to be the same person in a different body. Hell NO...
After XABF I went out with the Nth jerk and THAT my dear SR fellows was MY bottom.
(Thank God I have now a support system to keep me in check from now on.. sheeeshh... pass the "Codependent no more", please...)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Thank you so much! Is that you in the photo???? YOU ARE GORGEOUS!!
That guy is an idiot.
So is my ex!!!
IDIOTS.
Yknow, I've already been thinking about kickboxing, actually..I did it for a little bit, a while ago, and I loved it!
Right now I am at 90% anger 10% nausea but the nausea part is growing..
That guy is an idiot.
So is my ex!!!
IDIOTS.
Yknow, I've already been thinking about kickboxing, actually..I did it for a little bit, a while ago, and I loved it!
Right now I am at 90% anger 10% nausea but the nausea part is growing..
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Oh wonderful, new look!!
sandrawg I feel I am reading a post from TC999... lol..I feel exactly the same way and have realized jerks are jerks, and alcoholized jerks are even worse, and I don't want to be around them anymore. I felt sadness and longing for a long time. Then anger. I am now in the 60% anger - 40% nausea stage. LOL. I LIKE IT. I am looking FORWARD to100% nausea, I feel indifference comes right afterwards.
I love this thread, all the posts help me, too.
I realized I have been a doormat and what I did was get to kickboxing and box lessons. I even bought my gloves! I love them. I still feel the need to punch the guy and the gf, so I imagine they are right there and its MY turn to express what their actions made me feel... note, this is also very normal and human, and is a long shot from victimhood. For me if I was still a victim I would still be there swallowing my opinions and being disrespected with words and actions everyday and still think that is all I am worth. So I no longer judge myself nor compare my mourning to anyone else, I just go "I am angry due to X. OK. FINE. How will I get it out of my system??" then do it. We have feelings, period and as we always say, actions are the ones that speak the truth, and we are no longer trying to get bread from the HW store, so in my view we have left the victim role and are just processing things so we can be prepared for what comes next.
Taking care of myself is also talking to myself with love so I can go "how could he!!" and another loving voice answers "all those things he did are EXACTLY why you left... they are the past now, you are FREE now, you are the BEST, strong and brave.. look how you made decision Y for your benefit.. look at all the great things YOU have done by yourself" and well kind of try to give myself SUPPORT. Then I start liking it and go on and try to obsess about my own achievements, or about the times I have had lots of fun, when those characters were not part of my life.
Thinking of "them".. well I have done that for YEARS.. but I have worked on the inner child thing and when I torture myself with such thoughts I think of myself as a very small girl and it is clear to me that girl is innocent and deserves care and attention. And remember its Modus Operandi of addiction, the need to have enablers so when the GF stops being a doormat someone else will be right there after two winks. Its what he needs to keep addiction alive. Love? LOL! nothing in that dance has to do with love. It has everything to do with need and self destruction.
Like they said in the Heroes series .. "you can have sex to get you out of your misery, but afterwards you are still miserable"..for some reason this was very healing for me... jerks are always themselves no matter who is around or where in the world they live. I stop suffering when I realize they don't change, the only thing that changes is the emotional/financial cost that gladly I won't have to pay. And for the need of revenge, I remember Ex already lost an outstanding woman, who is very spiritual, generous, intelligent, warm, well-traveled, artistic, and has a ton of other qualities, and will never get her back again. He has already been punished with the absence of such a wonderful person. LOL!! the great thing is that I really believe this now... I have a less distorted view about myself now.
I wrote my qualities in a huge board in my room and have to read it everyday, I advice for you to do the same, put colors, paste pics, make it fun..
All the best in your journey
sandrawg I feel I am reading a post from TC999... lol..I feel exactly the same way and have realized jerks are jerks, and alcoholized jerks are even worse, and I don't want to be around them anymore. I felt sadness and longing for a long time. Then anger. I am now in the 60% anger - 40% nausea stage. LOL. I LIKE IT. I am looking FORWARD to100% nausea, I feel indifference comes right afterwards.
I love this thread, all the posts help me, too.
I realized I have been a doormat and what I did was get to kickboxing and box lessons. I even bought my gloves! I love them. I still feel the need to punch the guy and the gf, so I imagine they are right there and its MY turn to express what their actions made me feel... note, this is also very normal and human, and is a long shot from victimhood. For me if I was still a victim I would still be there swallowing my opinions and being disrespected with words and actions everyday and still think that is all I am worth. So I no longer judge myself nor compare my mourning to anyone else, I just go "I am angry due to X. OK. FINE. How will I get it out of my system??" then do it. We have feelings, period and as we always say, actions are the ones that speak the truth, and we are no longer trying to get bread from the HW store, so in my view we have left the victim role and are just processing things so we can be prepared for what comes next.
Taking care of myself is also talking to myself with love so I can go "how could he!!" and another loving voice answers "all those things he did are EXACTLY why you left... they are the past now, you are FREE now, you are the BEST, strong and brave.. look how you made decision Y for your benefit.. look at all the great things YOU have done by yourself" and well kind of try to give myself SUPPORT. Then I start liking it and go on and try to obsess about my own achievements, or about the times I have had lots of fun, when those characters were not part of my life.
Thinking of "them".. well I have done that for YEARS.. but I have worked on the inner child thing and when I torture myself with such thoughts I think of myself as a very small girl and it is clear to me that girl is innocent and deserves care and attention. And remember its Modus Operandi of addiction, the need to have enablers so when the GF stops being a doormat someone else will be right there after two winks. Its what he needs to keep addiction alive. Love? LOL! nothing in that dance has to do with love. It has everything to do with need and self destruction.
Like they said in the Heroes series .. "you can have sex to get you out of your misery, but afterwards you are still miserable"..for some reason this was very healing for me... jerks are always themselves no matter who is around or where in the world they live. I stop suffering when I realize they don't change, the only thing that changes is the emotional/financial cost that gladly I won't have to pay. And for the need of revenge, I remember Ex already lost an outstanding woman, who is very spiritual, generous, intelligent, warm, well-traveled, artistic, and has a ton of other qualities, and will never get her back again. He has already been punished with the absence of such a wonderful person. LOL!! the great thing is that I really believe this now... I have a less distorted view about myself now.
I wrote my qualities in a huge board in my room and have to read it everyday, I advice for you to do the same, put colors, paste pics, make it fun..
All the best in your journey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yes, I got my hair redone which makes me feel AWESOME! And I am continuing to just roll along as best I can, and you guys are the BEST! So much wisdom on this forum. I am glad I found it.
I know it's the codie in me that wanted to just MAKE MY EXABF SEE THE TRUTH. Yknow? Why don't you SEE that she is an immature, pot addict idiot doormat and I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, and once you see that, you will want to go to AA and get sober for me cuz you will realize what you lost.
LOL! It's laughable. He could get sober and go to AA now and I wouldn't even CONSIDER taking him back. I am no longer the ever-forgiving person I used to be, who knew he had lied to me but was willing to give him chance after chance after chance.
I was talking to a guy who used to be my ex's friend and boss-the guy who helped my ex transform himself from a high school dropout whose parents were steering him towards a job in a gas station, to a hotshot graphic designer pulling down $65k a year. That guy was rewarded with a scar on his hand, where my ex bit him during a drunken episode (long story but the guy lived in the apt above my ex and one night, my ex broken down his door, drunk, cuz he forgot his keys. This freaked his friend out who came barreling downstairs to see what was up. My ex started a fight w him, and bit his hand.)
Friend got a restraining order against my ex, and needless to say, they haven't talked in years.
Gave me some perspective-for so long I thought I was the only one who saw that violent drunk side of him and I felt all alone trying to make people see he had a problem. Now I know--he was like that before me, and he's likely to be the same LONGGGG after me. If not soon, eventually, he'll show his true colors to the people left in his life, and one of them WON'T be me! thank god.
Thanks again for all the support and care-you all are the best!!!
I know it's the codie in me that wanted to just MAKE MY EXABF SEE THE TRUTH. Yknow? Why don't you SEE that she is an immature, pot addict idiot doormat and I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, and once you see that, you will want to go to AA and get sober for me cuz you will realize what you lost.
LOL! It's laughable. He could get sober and go to AA now and I wouldn't even CONSIDER taking him back. I am no longer the ever-forgiving person I used to be, who knew he had lied to me but was willing to give him chance after chance after chance.
I was talking to a guy who used to be my ex's friend and boss-the guy who helped my ex transform himself from a high school dropout whose parents were steering him towards a job in a gas station, to a hotshot graphic designer pulling down $65k a year. That guy was rewarded with a scar on his hand, where my ex bit him during a drunken episode (long story but the guy lived in the apt above my ex and one night, my ex broken down his door, drunk, cuz he forgot his keys. This freaked his friend out who came barreling downstairs to see what was up. My ex started a fight w him, and bit his hand.)
Friend got a restraining order against my ex, and needless to say, they haven't talked in years.
Gave me some perspective-for so long I thought I was the only one who saw that violent drunk side of him and I felt all alone trying to make people see he had a problem. Now I know--he was like that before me, and he's likely to be the same LONGGGG after me. If not soon, eventually, he'll show his true colors to the people left in his life, and one of them WON'T be me! thank god.
Thanks again for all the support and care-you all are the best!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
It's laughable. He could get sober and go to AA now and I wouldn't even CONSIDER taking him back.
YAY!!!! THAT is treating yourself with the love and dignity YOU deserve!!!!!! That is channeling the anger to help you see clearly.
I started getting over my AXBF when I started asking myself the following question..."Do I want him in MY life???" I used to ask if he wanted me in his. BIG shift...and my answer to myself was...Heck No.
Huge realization you had.
YAY!!!! THAT is treating yourself with the love and dignity YOU deserve!!!!!! That is channeling the anger to help you see clearly.
I started getting over my AXBF when I started asking myself the following question..."Do I want him in MY life???" I used to ask if he wanted me in his. BIG shift...and my answer to myself was...Heck No.
Huge realization you had.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Babyblue
My best friend just said the same thing to me about the RABF.
That is the part I get stuck on though: He may not be doing it TO ME or because of me but if that is the case, why am I the one feeling badly?
Not highjacking the thread, I get caught up in the things that make no sense and can't let them go easily as well.
Practice practice practice!
That is the part I get stuck on though: He may not be doing it TO ME or because of me but if that is the case, why am I the one feeling badly?
Not highjacking the thread, I get caught up in the things that make no sense and can't let them go easily as well.
Practice practice practice!
L
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I think i'm in the mood for kickboxing lessons... what a great idea. When i settle wherever i finally decide to settle i'll look into it.
I love Barb's ideas as well, thinking of something you always wanted him to do for you, and go out and do it yourself. I did that, I got a bunch of cute little stuffed animals, beanie thingies, for my car. I call them love tokens, my dad used to come home all the time with cute little things for my sister, me and my mom. Just to show he was thinking of us during the day. I even explained the concept to my ex, and used to get him stuff like that once in a while, even if it was just his favorite candy bar from the line at the grocery store. But he just never got it.
My car is full of love tokens right now. A friend of mine said, "if I didnt know you, I would think you had a three year old child, with all these stuffed animals in here". Some of us never grow up!
I love Barb's ideas as well, thinking of something you always wanted him to do for you, and go out and do it yourself. I did that, I got a bunch of cute little stuffed animals, beanie thingies, for my car. I call them love tokens, my dad used to come home all the time with cute little things for my sister, me and my mom. Just to show he was thinking of us during the day. I even explained the concept to my ex, and used to get him stuff like that once in a while, even if it was just his favorite candy bar from the line at the grocery store. But he just never got it.
My car is full of love tokens right now. A friend of mine said, "if I didnt know you, I would think you had a three year old child, with all these stuffed animals in here". Some of us never grow up!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
man am I tired.. I am here waiting for it to be 3 AM to watch the wedding of Kate Middleton and William!! aww they really look in love... I read Kate said "I am not lucky to be with William, he is lucky he is with ME" and I decided I like this woman!Thanks sandra for your compliment, one of the things I always wanted to do was to take makeup lessons and that pic was after one of those sessions
ohh they were fantastic and putting makeup really boosts my mood! I love to follow youtube videos or try crazy makeups from magazines. When I am done I clean it off and go to sleep I read you are a freakin' MODEL... for God's sakes, how cool is that?!? a beautiful and intelligent lady!!
Hey.. BTW.. XABF's ex-manager and friend ALSO stopped talking to him... one day he told me "you may see we talk but only as coworkers, he is no longer someone I want to be friends with, he HAS changed, he is immature and you don't know how many conversations I have had with him about his drinking" ... I was shocked.. at least its 2 of us, now, that see the truth... because yeahh it gets very lonely when its only you...
Funny, how we live the SAME story..
Ohhh kickboxing, its really great cardio.. I sleep like a baby afterwards.. some days when I was really really angry I even got congratulated LOL.. .so its great.. or box for instance attracts many guys, so often I am the only woman with 5 or 6 young guys punching their sand bags.. and I imagine they are my bodyguards LOL. Ahh, good eye candy. I like a blonde one but am too shy to even say hi, what a loser, lol.
Since I joined that gym I have seen improvements... I used to be annoyed by XABF because I work with him! and recently I got news he will be in my account so we will be interacting more often... and you know what I am no longer THAT angry when I happen to interact with him... sometimes I am mildly annoyed by his presence but it no longer ruins my day... *****!! then I arrive more peaceful to the gym and I no longer get congratulated, quite the contrary I get scolded because I don't show that much energy on the kicks or punches anymore LOL.
They also put very upbeat music.. as it is I befriended the teacher and a peer, two young women, and we are going for drinks on Saturday... YAY, I can go out and enjoy a drink or two, have fun, then come back home safely, put on my Pink Panther pijamas and sleep next to my flurry pillows... er, I meant cats...while I watch "Keeping up with the kardashians" reruns.. or whatever show I like!
then wake up the next morning at whatever hour and have a really nice breakfast (or brunch, or lunch!) ......and well, I had forgotten you can do that: play your favorite music while you are getting ready, get all dressy, get your hair and nails done, put on makeup, laugh, mingle, drink socially, come back home, REST, and continue living a more or less sane, healthy life the next day! I did not know I missed that. No more madness!
Tomorrow I'll go to a bar and already looking forward to it...the friends I am going with are really, really funny, even without drinks we laugh a lot... none of them are alcoholic...
And now I will stop hijacking your thread and boring you with my stories
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