Relapsing boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Relapsing boyfriend
I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. I have been dating a great guy for a few months. He told me fairly early on in the piece that he was an alcoholic and had been sober in AA for nearly 10 years. I hadn't told him prior to that I was in AA, but he drew the conclusion when he saw the BB in my living room and after I said I didn't mind if he brought booze to my house, but he couldn't leave it there.
He had been relapsing on and off for the last 18 months and when we had the discussion about AA, he said he was committed to getting sober again. He was for a few months, then became unavailable and I assumed he was drinking. He admitted he was and disappeared for a few more days, then texted me today to tell me that he is quitting again. I don't know what his plan for recovery is. He doesn't want to go back to AA and I think it's a pride thing after being sober for so long, running meetings etc.
I know there's nothing I can do or say and that I really have to detach from it, but I feel kind of blindsided and shellshocked. I wasn't prepared for the reality of him to start drinking again. I think he really means it everytime he says he's quitting. It's not just to shut me up or make me happy. He is in the grip of the compulsion to drink whether he wants to or not.
I'm not really sure what to do at this point.
I don't come from an alcoholic home - my parents didn't drink, and I have such an aversion to big drinkers that most of the men I have dated haven't been drinkers or if it became apparent that they had a problem, I'd dump them immediately because I didn't want to deal with the drama. Of course, I was totally in active alcoholism myself all that time.
This is the first relationship I've had when I've been sober, and the first one at all in about 10 years, other than a few casual dates here and there.
He had been relapsing on and off for the last 18 months and when we had the discussion about AA, he said he was committed to getting sober again. He was for a few months, then became unavailable and I assumed he was drinking. He admitted he was and disappeared for a few more days, then texted me today to tell me that he is quitting again. I don't know what his plan for recovery is. He doesn't want to go back to AA and I think it's a pride thing after being sober for so long, running meetings etc.
I know there's nothing I can do or say and that I really have to detach from it, but I feel kind of blindsided and shellshocked. I wasn't prepared for the reality of him to start drinking again. I think he really means it everytime he says he's quitting. It's not just to shut me up or make me happy. He is in the grip of the compulsion to drink whether he wants to or not.
I'm not really sure what to do at this point.
I don't come from an alcoholic home - my parents didn't drink, and I have such an aversion to big drinkers that most of the men I have dated haven't been drinkers or if it became apparent that they had a problem, I'd dump them immediately because I didn't want to deal with the drama. Of course, I was totally in active alcoholism myself all that time.
This is the first relationship I've had when I've been sober, and the first one at all in about 10 years, other than a few casual dates here and there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
And if anyone has the advice 'dump him', I'm not going to. What I need is advice on how to manage myself while he comes back into recovery, or when he relapses again. From what I gather, he's a binge drinker rather than a daily drinker, as in he will go on a bender for a few days, then sober up for a few weeks, then go on another bender.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the other side of recovery!
I encourage you to continue with your Alanon meetings and readings. I have found the Alanon tools helpful in my personal and business relationships. Learning to detach from others behaviors, establishing personal boundaries, and taking better care of myself.
I am known as Pelican, and I am a double winner.
I am a recovering alcoholic (congrats on your personal recovery!)
I am the recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
I am also working on recovering from my co-dependence.
I have a super hero cape in my closet. It is currently collecting dust as I allow other adults in my life to make their own choices, including bad choices with consequences.
I have found that looking at the actions of addicted personalities tells me far more than their words.
Stick around! Read and post as much as needed. We understand.
I encourage you to continue with your Alanon meetings and readings. I have found the Alanon tools helpful in my personal and business relationships. Learning to detach from others behaviors, establishing personal boundaries, and taking better care of myself.
I am known as Pelican, and I am a double winner.
I am a recovering alcoholic (congrats on your personal recovery!)
I am the recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
I am also working on recovering from my co-dependence.
I have a super hero cape in my closet. It is currently collecting dust as I allow other adults in my life to make their own choices, including bad choices with consequences.
I have found that looking at the actions of addicted personalities tells me far more than their words.
Stick around! Read and post as much as needed. We understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi Tigerlili!
Here's my little bit of ESH... my soon to be ex-husband is a binge drinker too. And honestly for me, I think that makes it so much harder to really "see" the disease. It's cunning and baffling to me because there are times that he seemingly has "control"... when $hit really hits the fan and I was pissed off royally... he could sober up for weeks/months! And I would get the same old, "See! I can control it! I'm NOT an alcoholic!" But the problem was, he couldn't control it. He'd go from dry to "moderating" and before you know it... he was right smack dab in full on bender.
I've been in Al-anon for 6 years now. And with the help of Al-anon, I've learned how to detach from him and his behavior. We lived a fairly happy life for about 4-5 years. Things were good. I was doing my thing, letting him live as he chooses. And generally all was okay, but the drinking never went away. The binges weren't as frequent ("See, honey? I'm better than I used to be!?!?") but they were more severe... and the consequences greater (we have two kids now... DWI means loss of job, loss of job means, etc)... yet he continued on. Along with the binges came some new behaviors - verbal abuse, and lastly physical. Alot of that, I believe, stemmed from his anger and frustration... with his inability to control the drinking, and my inability to just shut up and tolerate it.
I don't know if you stay or go... that's for you to decide. Either way, Al-anon is a really good place to go to give you the tools you are going to need to love an alcoholic.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Here's my little bit of ESH... my soon to be ex-husband is a binge drinker too. And honestly for me, I think that makes it so much harder to really "see" the disease. It's cunning and baffling to me because there are times that he seemingly has "control"... when $hit really hits the fan and I was pissed off royally... he could sober up for weeks/months! And I would get the same old, "See! I can control it! I'm NOT an alcoholic!" But the problem was, he couldn't control it. He'd go from dry to "moderating" and before you know it... he was right smack dab in full on bender.
I've been in Al-anon for 6 years now. And with the help of Al-anon, I've learned how to detach from him and his behavior. We lived a fairly happy life for about 4-5 years. Things were good. I was doing my thing, letting him live as he chooses. And generally all was okay, but the drinking never went away. The binges weren't as frequent ("See, honey? I'm better than I used to be!?!?") but they were more severe... and the consequences greater (we have two kids now... DWI means loss of job, loss of job means, etc)... yet he continued on. Along with the binges came some new behaviors - verbal abuse, and lastly physical. Alot of that, I believe, stemmed from his anger and frustration... with his inability to control the drinking, and my inability to just shut up and tolerate it.
I don't know if you stay or go... that's for you to decide. Either way, Al-anon is a really good place to go to give you the tools you are going to need to love an alcoholic.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
Your situation sounds much like mine. I am in a fairly new relationship (7 months) and we are now on the recovery side of his alcoholism (only 4 weeks). I too was single for 10 years until I met him. I am so new at this not sure I can give you helpful advise. I should read and post on here more. I have been to two al-anon meetings that I have found helpful and lots of reading on the situation. I am trying to focus on me more and being healthy while he is doing the same for himself. It has been good so far, different than it was while he was drinking, he is quieter and not so passionate about things, but he is going through a lot of changes right now. I am hoping we can grow together and continue to grow. All I can offer is to work on yourself so you are strong mentally to deal with whatever happens. Best wishes for you and him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hi Tigerlili!
Last fall I experienced the RABF relapsing (after seemingly doing 'great') for 7 months. It was very hard but I did put up some strict boundaries. I was supportive and understanding but didn't do a darned thing for him. This was his war to fight. He had been there before, I had not so he knew what he had to do and that is what folks on SR were telling me. They were right. He made his way back to treatment but it broke my heart to know he was flailing in his disease.
All I can say is, it is painful. If you can find a way to detach, the better off you will be. I am not saying leave him if that isn't in the plan. I hung in there but I stayed waaaaaaay back and lived my life and kept my fingers crossed for him. We stayed in contact but it was intermittent. I never tried to track him down or put any expectations. I told myself the 'relationship' was on pause until he got better.
Just take care of yourself first and foremost.
bb
Last fall I experienced the RABF relapsing (after seemingly doing 'great') for 7 months. It was very hard but I did put up some strict boundaries. I was supportive and understanding but didn't do a darned thing for him. This was his war to fight. He had been there before, I had not so he knew what he had to do and that is what folks on SR were telling me. They were right. He made his way back to treatment but it broke my heart to know he was flailing in his disease.
All I can say is, it is painful. If you can find a way to detach, the better off you will be. I am not saying leave him if that isn't in the plan. I hung in there but I stayed waaaaaaay back and lived my life and kept my fingers crossed for him. We stayed in contact but it was intermittent. I never tried to track him down or put any expectations. I told myself the 'relationship' was on pause until he got better.
Just take care of yourself first and foremost.
bb
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Harrisburg, PA
Posts: 46
I am in a very similar situation to you as well, my abf is currently in recovery. He just relapsed last weekend after having 2 months of sobriety. He is also a binge drinker, and goes on benders. This one only lasted the weekend, but there were times that they lasted a week or more. It is really hard to see someone you love suffering, and I have a hard time ignoring it when it is happening. I just got home from an alanon meeting (he was at AA), and it does help to talk to the people there. I appreciate that you said you didn't want the advice to be "leave him", because I have gotten that advice and it just shut me down. I am now focusing on learning how to react during the hard times so that I can be at peace, and still take a caring, loving, and supportive role in his life.
Sober Recovery is great, it is nice to have feedback that you won't always get at alanon. Just take what you want and leave the rest.
Sober Recovery is great, it is nice to have feedback that you won't always get at alanon. Just take what you want and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
I'm a fellow double winner and dated my first alcoholic when I was four years sober.
I won't tell you to dump him but I will tell you this:
Being in the rooms, having achieved and maintained sobriety and knowing some wonderful recovering As (the best people I know) actually did me a disservice.
When you've seen sobriety take for people who are working a program - and you're surrounded by those people, you start to get blase about how "easy" it is to get and stay sober. You just admit how powerless you are over alcohol and work a good program. Doesn't everyone do this?
I had total amnesia - about the sheer hell that active alcoholism actually is and how difficult it is to commit to getting sober. Once you've committed, really committed, you just have to follow the steps - but you already know how tough that journey to being ready is.
I thought I was ideally placed to help, and be understanding for, my XABF.
You can't help him. Your sobriety won't "rub off on" him.
If you've been together a few months and he's been relapsing for 18 months, you're not dating a relapsing alcoholic - you're dating someone who was an active alcoholic the day you met him.
You're dating someone in active addiction and that might not change. Ever.
Nothing you can do about that - what I'd advise is that you monitor how you're feeling. Midway through my relationship, while I was still stone cold sober, I started feeling exactly the same way I felt right before I got myself to AA. The unmanageability was exactly the same, the way I felt physically (in a body-sense way not in a hangover way) was exactly the same, the whole box and dice.
And I didn't want to leave him wither - couldn't. The last time quitting something just hadn't been an option for me, it was alcohol.
I promised myself when I got sober that I'd do whatever it took not to be in the grips of an active addition - to anything - again.
I -never- thought that "thing" would be a person.
All I know now - if this is the only thing that I can leave you with - is that if I'm absolutely adamant that I cannot, or will not, give up something that is hurting me, potentially hurting me or affecting my mental or physical health and well being - then I have to look very carefully at why I'm willing to put my serenity at risk.
I have to look at -me- to know what's going on, and do an inventory.
I worked my *ss off for that serenity - the first time I got sober and again after dating an alcoholic for a year. It was harder the second time and that's the God's honest truth,
I hope never to put any substance, thing or person before my serenity again. Sobriety isn't just about abstinence and for me, being around active alcoholism isn't a sober enough environment for me to stay sane.
Take what you like and leave the rest - I love your posts and you've been full of great wisdom since I joined SR. You have to do what's right for you but I thought it was worth posting honest feedback from a fellow double winner.
Hugs,
SL
I won't tell you to dump him but I will tell you this:
Being in the rooms, having achieved and maintained sobriety and knowing some wonderful recovering As (the best people I know) actually did me a disservice.
When you've seen sobriety take for people who are working a program - and you're surrounded by those people, you start to get blase about how "easy" it is to get and stay sober. You just admit how powerless you are over alcohol and work a good program. Doesn't everyone do this?
I had total amnesia - about the sheer hell that active alcoholism actually is and how difficult it is to commit to getting sober. Once you've committed, really committed, you just have to follow the steps - but you already know how tough that journey to being ready is.
I thought I was ideally placed to help, and be understanding for, my XABF.
You can't help him. Your sobriety won't "rub off on" him.
If you've been together a few months and he's been relapsing for 18 months, you're not dating a relapsing alcoholic - you're dating someone who was an active alcoholic the day you met him.
You're dating someone in active addiction and that might not change. Ever.
Nothing you can do about that - what I'd advise is that you monitor how you're feeling. Midway through my relationship, while I was still stone cold sober, I started feeling exactly the same way I felt right before I got myself to AA. The unmanageability was exactly the same, the way I felt physically (in a body-sense way not in a hangover way) was exactly the same, the whole box and dice.
And I didn't want to leave him wither - couldn't. The last time quitting something just hadn't been an option for me, it was alcohol.
I promised myself when I got sober that I'd do whatever it took not to be in the grips of an active addition - to anything - again.
I -never- thought that "thing" would be a person.
All I know now - if this is the only thing that I can leave you with - is that if I'm absolutely adamant that I cannot, or will not, give up something that is hurting me, potentially hurting me or affecting my mental or physical health and well being - then I have to look very carefully at why I'm willing to put my serenity at risk.
I have to look at -me- to know what's going on, and do an inventory.
I worked my *ss off for that serenity - the first time I got sober and again after dating an alcoholic for a year. It was harder the second time and that's the God's honest truth,
I hope never to put any substance, thing or person before my serenity again. Sobriety isn't just about abstinence and for me, being around active alcoholism isn't a sober enough environment for me to stay sane.
Take what you like and leave the rest - I love your posts and you've been full of great wisdom since I joined SR. You have to do what's right for you but I thought it was worth posting honest feedback from a fellow double winner.
Hugs,
SL
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