Do you tell your AH all of your boundaries?

Old 04-27-2011, 08:47 PM
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Do you tell your AH all of your boundaries?

Just wondering if you verbally tell your A all of your boundaries?

Or do you keep part of them locked up inside of yourself,
waiting for the next shoe to fall?

I have boundaries that I havent shared with him
Seems kind of hard, when he lives across the states

Just wondering, if we are suppose to share them all...
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:51 PM
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Good question. I'm finding that it doesn't really matter if you tell them. It may not be the right thinking on my part but I still feel this obligation to let my AW know what's okay and what isn't.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:16 PM
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Your right on that part shellcrusher ((doesnt matter if you tell them))

I shared some of my boundarys with my AH

About 5 months has passed, and now that Im learning more about

me and out of the hot, hot fire. I feel my boundaries are slowly

beginning to change. And those are the ones I havent shared

with him.

He hasnt listened anyways, so I wonder, why bother?
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:21 PM
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Wink Boundaries

Teachers tell students the boundaries.
Government tell citizens the boundaries?

What do you think is Honest and right?
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Old 04-27-2011, 11:13 PM
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The boundaries that affected him, I told him:

I told him I would not have sex with him if he had been drinking.
I told him I was no longer willing to live with an active alcoholic and I would leave him.
Things like that.

Other boundaries were my own, and I would tell him what affected him without explaining that "see I have this boundary that I've set up for myself" -- examples:
I had a boundary that I would not drink with him and his friends. I didn't state that as a boundary, but I said, "since I don't enjoy hanging out with you and Pete and Natasha and drinking and watching sports, I am going to take the kids with me and go swimming on Monday night instead."

I don't know that there's a "right" or a "wrong" way to do these things -- I always saw boundaries as being for me and not for him, so the analogy with government doesn't really work for me. It would if I set up boundaries for him, but I never saw that as my place.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:51 AM
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I used to be nervous about telling him my boundaries. I didnt want them to sound like bossy rules. But at some point in time, you really do have to lay down your limits. IMO I found it easier for us both, if I expressed a boundary before he had a chance to cross it. If possible, I try to keep my delivery of my boundary non personal like, "I don't like being woken at 3am, so I won't accept calls after 10pm. That includes you babe". He seems more willing to accept my general boundaries then those directed solely for him. Im working on those.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:54 AM
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I think whether you communicate them or not depends upon what makes you comfortable.

I don't mean, "I'll tell him my boundaries, that will make him shape up!" but rather "I wouldn't feel confident enforcing this if I didn't tell him about it first."

I discovered that some boundaries I felt better after telling XABF, and others he didn't need to know so I didn't say.
Most of my boundaries were build after he went to rehab, and I didn't get good at enforcing them until after I decided the relationship would never work, so take this as you will. Just my two cents.
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:04 AM
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When I heard about and starting trying to use boundaries last summer I told him all about them. It just created more tension for me and truth be told I wasn't ready to follow through so all I did was show him again that my boundaries meant nothing.

Now I tell him what I plan to do (if it will impact him in any way) but I don't ask permission or tie his behavior or response to what I do.

Ex. If he tells the girls he will be at the house to see them at a certain time and isn't here, I will make plans based on what the girls and I want to do and if we are not here later when he arrives, it is what it is.

Ex. I told him last night that I have told the woman who offered me a job in MA that I am considering it (I have a few interviews coming up here in my state too and am keeping options open). I told him that if I take the job in MA I will be moving there (he talked at me for a few weeks about how I should commute) and the girls will come with me. I did not ask. I am not keeping it a secret but I am not apologizing for my plans either.

Ex. I will not leave the girls alone with him. When I have plans to go out either my mother or a sitter will come over. I tell him when I am going out and who is watching the girls bc it is a courtesy. I let him decide if he likes that but regardless, it's what is happening bc he can't be trusted to not drink when alone with the girls.

These may not be boundaries exactly but I just gave the ex/ to explain what I meant about what I do...

Ultimately do what you are most comfortable with. You don't owe an explanation to anyone about what you do to keep yourself safe/comfortable etc...
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
...It just created more tension for me and truth be told I wasn't ready to follow through so all I did was show him again that my boundaries meant nothing.
This is such a crucial point.
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Old 04-28-2011, 10:36 AM
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No, I don't tell anyone all of my boundaries because I don't necessarily know what all of them are. Also, sometimes they change as I change. Once I figure them out, the kicker is telling myself what they are- it's like I discover them rather than create them. Getting myself to know and internalize them is the tough part.

Once they're discovered and installed solidly, maybe even as I am installing them and pounding them in place... then I do tell someone who violates one, sort of as a confirmation of and for myself, and to just give notice of why I am doing what I am doing. For instance, "I'm going into the other room because I don't hang around to get yelled at or ridiculed." Another favorite- though rarely used- "I'm calling 911 now because I've told you to leave and you haven't."

I guess I announce the action more than the boundary. Usually, I'm so shaky when enforcing one, I have to get away, be alone for a while, because thus far, I am likely to have a shaking crying spell after a boundary attack, and I don't want to expose that.
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