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Grrr! Had to play snoopdog tonight

Old 04-27-2011, 08:01 PM
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Grrr! Had to play snoopdog tonight

I'm very angry right now. I've been suspecting an increase of drinking on the sly. I've mentioned before that my AW is not an in your face drinker. She sneaks it and hides it. In social events, she'll drink and put on a good show of it being normal. I had a feeling when I walked in the door that she had been drinking. I accused her. She denied. I dropped it. Sometimes it's very hard to tell but I always know and in hindsight discussions, she always admits to it. Never when she is. Being duped, I thought she was stressed out...
On nights like this, I practice single parent skills. I make diner, I clean, etc. I had guitar lessons tonight. It was her night to put the boy to bed. I returned an hour later. He was laying in our bed. TV on. Wife passed out. He was up watching TV. It took a bit to wake her up. All kinds of details are messed up and she was slurring. I always read to my son at night before bed and I'm good at getting him to sleep. He's hitting terrible 2s and is kinda difficult sometimes. Anyway, I read him his favorite 4 books. That's our routine. The AW told me she only read 2 books because reading 4 books is ridiculous. Way to go! Reading to your son is ridiculous? Wow! I shook my head and walked away and put the boy down. He's sleeping now. She's out like a light as well. Go figure.
So before I came to my office to tell you guys this, I checked the fridge. Last weekend her friend and her picked up a bottle of wine. I didn't say anything. Typical habit I mentally checked the level. Tonight is was slightly off. I looked closer. I opened. I sniffed. I drank. No wine. It was water. So she's back to her old tricks again and once again, I was not wrong in my suspicions.
I needed to get this down and hear from you guys. I'm so upset. I told her that she needs to find sobriety or I will file divorce. I have an attorney. I have the money. I don't have all the paperwork. We haven't lived in this new house for 2 years yet. There's a ton of excuses as to why I don't run to the lawyer tomorrow and file. I know what I said to her but I don't like the timing. It's not working the way I want it to. I wanted to keep things tight, work my plan, get my act together and wait for the right moments. Now, since I'm not committed to file tomorrow, I feel like I've quacked to her. She knows I'm not filing yet. Perhaps all those times I've thought she was drinking, she thought she was sly enough and even if I did know, I didn't file so she must be able to keep drinking because I'm not really going to do it.

For those that know me enough, I accept the fact that you may have some stern words or harsh feedback for me. I feel like my back is broken but the damn timing is not good.

I hated playing snoopdog tonight. It's not part of how I want to deal with her. She's going to drink anyway.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:22 PM
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I think your discovery was enough of a gut punch. I'm not delivering another blow on top of that tonight.

Sorry.

I know it hurts. I know it sucks to realize you have been manipulated and deceived AGAIN......

Tomorrow you can make a choice that is in your best interest.
Stick with your initial reaction, your choice.
Change your mind, your choice.
Wait for another option to reveal itself, your choice.

You still have my support, encouragement and understanding.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:38 PM
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Oh I'm sorry. I've been in that spot.

When deciding what is best for you don't worry about what you said before, what her perception is, what she thinks you might or might not do. Try to banish that stuff from your thoughts and just concentrate on the next right thing.

The time is never right. That doesn't mean you have to do anything tomorrow morning by 10am, it just means that you move forward with the next right thing - for you and your son. You can take the time you need to make those decisions and take any actions you wish, just don't get stuck in waiting for the right time.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:39 PM
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Great advice from Pelican. I agree, trust your intuition, you don't have to do anything right now, but you will know when you are ready.

Being an unwilling participant to the chaos is frustrating, I know.
Take care of yourself and your child.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:41 PM
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Darn...
Nothing to say, just remember your not alone...
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:48 PM
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Thanks guys. I took a break and practiced the guitar. I know tomorrow that I can start scanning my insurance policies. At least that part will be done. What's next? Scan investment accounts pre and post marriage. Those will be the next best things I can do. Things I can control and manage to my expectations.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:56 PM
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I don't have much either, but hugs, plenty of those! I will say though, one thing that stuck out in your post, was about wanting to "work your plan... wait for the right moments". Is the time ever really right/perfect to make that big of a decision? I agree with everyone on here, that when it is time to happen, you will definitely know it, and be ready to do whatever needs to be done. But I know from my experience that the timing was not perfect, in fact the timing in so many regards could not have been worse, but it's just when it happened. Expecting everything to go "according to plan" just led to disappointment. I should have left him a long time ago. It seemed the longer I waited, the worse the timing got. But it was what I needed to go through to get me where I am, so I guess it was supposed to be that way...
Hugs to you, you'll know when it's time to go.
I find it helpful to pray for the knowledge of my HP's will, instead of my own. I know that if I am hurried into doing something, it is usually my will taking over (which is what gets me into trouble)
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:57 PM
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No, you're most definitely not alone. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you little guy is OK. Deep breaths.
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:34 PM
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Wow. That completely sucks. I really feel for you. I have been in that very same situation repeated times in the last four years. I feel your pain it sucks feeling that level of betrayal. I have spent countless sleepless nights in that same situation. How do they get so good at hiding things? Is there a website or some book they read?

My experience. I know little will help tonight.

Confronting them when they are drunk has all the wrong effects just ends in a huge fight. Confronting them the next day and they deny everything. Only time I have had any luck was mostly luck right moment right mood but the intervention went really well. I had a gut feeling she was drinking but no rock solid proof. Can’t go find the bottle after she has drank it and got rid of it. My AW liked to buy the little bottles so they were easy to hide. I did go snooping found the booze and I still I waited I had limited options none with a happy outcome. I found something new for a treatment option. Next I happened to walk into the bedroom as she was pouring wine in her coffee cup. Caught red handed. But it was her first drink of the night so was able to listen to me. We have been on a roller coaster of sobriety and drunks for four years. I said she had to leave and I wanted custody of the kids. Did not say divorce just custody? I have lots of witnesses to her behavior and she new I was not bluffing.

Gave her two options. One, go and do as she liked I keep the kids but she had to leave the house. Two, I had found a treatment option that offered three and six week residential therapy programs. I said if she would go for three weeks I would still be at home and she could come back. Private Residential Addiction & Alcoholism Treatment Centre Alberta She cryed most of the night begging not to have to go. I held firm. She had to go somewhere. Her choice. After one week of the program she asked to stay for the full six week program. She has never work so hard on herself in her life. I do not know if it will stick but I truly believe this is the first time she has really made the effort and for the first time has some tools to work with. The program includes individual counseling, 12 step AA / NA health, nutrition and exercise. She can come home in 10 days and the boundary is now sobriety or leave and I have the kids.

One huge step for my wife was to stay for the full six weeks she has had to give full disclosure to her employer to have enough time off. Her employer has been so helpful. The head of HR called me today to ask how she is doing and how I am and how the kids are. Great lady.

The program with her time away has given me time as well to think about how I need to change for myself so I can be happy, a better dad and a better husband. I am broken as well and need work.

Only you can decide what to do next. Take your child and leave. Ask her to leave. Do nothing. Give her a new option but one that protects you.

I was not willing to try the same old but trying something new has appeal.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:05 PM
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Yep been right there too. My AH also sneaks and then lies about it. Drives me crazy. After advise from my T and some Alanon meetings I now don't look and just assume I am right. Why because every time I thought I was right, I was. Since we already know they are sneaking do we need the actual proof? Just irritates us, does nothing to the A because they will do what they want when they want, period. Sucks we have no influence over it. At this point I am trying to focus on me and only address his behavior, not the actual drinking, since I can not control that at all.

Here is my night.... after dinner I could smell it...walked away, went and did something away from him. I come back into the house and hear our 10 year old D crying loudly at her dad. I called her down to figure out what is up. Something was wrong with the shower and she asked him if it would be fixed by tomorrow. He got mad at her ,yelled and started his oh so fun quacking. Really bent out of shape over a clogged shower head and a simple question, really?! and he continued quacking...trying to make me see his point that he did nothing but ask her to take a shower in the other room. Yeah every 10 year old girl I know gets super upset at that....NOT , I looked at him told him I am not going to argue with you. They get so irrational. You would think when your 10 year old calls you a liar it would get your attention. Alcohol is toxic and tonight I got to see it AGAIN. SO glad he went to an AA meeting on monday... I can see it really helped.

When the time is right to leave you will know it. Don't beat yourself up about how you handled things tonight. Learn from it so next time you will be stronger.
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:04 AM
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Have you two discussed a complete ban on any kind of (her) drinking whatsoever?

I've read your posts before and I had the impression that she has implemented a complete no-drinking policy. I promised my husband no drinking whatsoever.

Sigh, I slipped a lot after promising that. It took me a while to get sober and it didn't help that he continued to bring alcohol into our home despite me begging him not to. So, we have a current program of keeping liquor locked up. He has the combination to the liquor cabinet and when there is wine left over from the weekend or hard liquor left out, I ask him to please put it out of sight and in the cabinet.

If she still drinks socially or "a friend and her pick up bottles of wine"...she is trying to play that impossible game of attempting to drink normally when she never will be able to that.

I understand how you feel. Maybe a strict tightening of rules she establishes for herself (NO DRINKING whatsoever) and her ban on alcohol available to her in the house might be a good next step? My husband is not all that happy with the locked cabinet. But I remind him the inconvenience of using it is a lot less of an inconvenience than identifying my body in the morgue.
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:29 AM
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I hope you have documented this event in your journal seeing as it clearly demonstrates her inability to care for your toddler. Perhaps in the future, as you slowly prepare for divorce, it would be wise to take pictures of her passed out (with time and date stamps).

It's sad to have to come to this, but what jumped out at me is that she was alone, intoxicated, while caring for a 2 year old. Thankfully, nothing happened, but it could have and that is worrisome.

*hugs* to you. When you're ready to file, you'll know.
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:39 AM
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Aw, Shellcrusher... I missed this post earlier.



I'm right THERE with you. We bought a brand new house (our dream house!) less than 2 years ago. We've worked really hard to put in all the landscaping, we have great neighbors... I've painted all the rooms, decorated it... made it home!! I really, really, really don't want to let it go. I can't afford it on my own, neither can AH. It will have be sold... and let the dream go.

It sucks.

But, my love of this house and *the dream* is NO reason to stay stuck living with active alcoholism. It's just a house, and it's just stuff. I filed for divorce - started the process. We will need to sell the house as part of the divorce, and that's okay with me. But I grieve nonetheless... I was driving down the driveway this morning... seeing the daffodils, and the tulips in blossom... all the buds/flowers on the shrubs... damn, it's beautiful. What a great place to live. Except, that's the exterior... the shell of this life.

The "inside", the stuff that matters... is rotten to the core. We don't have a marriage. We are co-habitating, and surviving day to day. And when I see that with eyes wide open... I realize that I can't stay here any longer. I need to move on... find a new place... and make that MY home. I did it once, and I can do it again.


Your son deserves better. You deserve better. Don't stay because of "stuff" and mis-placed dreams. Get your feet back into reality and make your decisions from there.
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:46 AM
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When I found empty bottles a week or two ago in an antique trunk and a handmade quilt from my grandmother ruined bc of the spills from those bottles that was my last straw. So, while it sucked to find once again that my suspicions were right, it was liberating bc I took it as "permission" to do what I'd not yet, deep down inside, been willing to do.

On the outside, to AH nothing changed. I didn't confront him or flip out. I did tell him calmly I was filing for divorce and that was that. And I told him it was BC I was not willing to accept life together as it was and that that was not his fault.

If I hadn't found my trunk and quilt ruined I might still have that glimmer of hope that he'd change and still be mentally stuck waiting for that to happen. I can deal with being around him when I have to be now bc I don't expect a thing from him and am kind of eager in fact to start my own life.

Oddly I feel less angry now that I have decided it's over than I did when I still held out hope it might last...

So, as much as the discovery of your W's lies sucks, think of it as a gift in a way? I know that sounds nuts probably. That's kind of how I am viewing my final "discovery". If I'd found the bottles anywhere but that trunk and if my quilt hadn't been ruined I might have continued to think a teeny bit that I could keep waiting. But my grandparents who gave me that trunk (it was my great grandparents') were like parents to me. They were the safe haven as a kid and protected my siblings and I when they could. My grandmother made that quilt for me right before she lost her eyesight bc of glaucoma and not long before she died.

I might be reading more into this than I should but I think there's a reason far greater than me that I found what I did, when I did and where I did.

And maybe the same is true for you?

Hang in there...
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Old 04-28-2011, 07:47 AM
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Hows it going this AM? Hope you got some sleep.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:02 AM
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Timing is a hard concept to guage. You've gone through the motions and are ready, but not really. And that's perfectly ok, because only you know when you are ready. And I do believe we reach a point where we know when we have had more than enough...often its over something minor that before we may have ignored. What sent me over the edge was more anger in what should have been a normal conversation about kids. It just sent me over the edge...he called me a passive-agressive manipulator (again) and it was THAT moment that the switch went on and my brain said "this is the time you've been waiting for". And that was that.

Having said all that - I now have to add that I find it so disturbing that she passed out while watching a toddler. Anything could have happened...it is a cringe-worthy moment. I hope you don't leave him alone with her like that again. Poor little guy.

Hang in there!
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:08 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your evening. It is a progressive disease left untreated.......

The decision to file or not is yours entirely, but I ask one question that perhaps should be mulled over:

What if there had been a fire in your home with your just barely 2 year old son and your wife passed out on the couch?

For me, that would be argument enough to at least live with the child apart from her.

Hugs and prayers for you, your precious son, and your wife. HG
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:34 AM
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Shell, I was a constant "snooper" as well. I agree that it is a codie thing to do, but for me it was more validating. EAch time I got closer to leaving, until I finally did. He still drinks and has a new enabler/codie to help him out. But I don't have to live it daily, and neither do my girls. I feel for them that their dad is this way, but there is nothing I can do about it except protect them from it.

Therefore, no judgement from me.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:56 AM
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Shell, Been there myself dude, almost identical situation.

When it was completely unmanageble for me I took the painful decision to move out. I had a ton of reservations but I knew it was the right choice for me because of the feeling of lightness and liberation just the idea gave to me, versus the feeling of heavy misery at the thought of staying. Go on your feelings.

The effect of this on mywife who previous hadn't really suffered any external consequences (even after two residential treatments) it was like a two-by-four around the back of the head the realisation that she could, and probably would, lose her family. That was the wake up call.

It's not about the threat, that is the indirect effect of us finding our peace. Now we see her every day and its mostly harmonious.

Couldn't go back living with her just yet, not until some change has been achieved over time!

Stay strong brother...
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:05 AM
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To me, this is what is key here:
I told her that she needs to find sobriety or I will file divorce.
It's key to me because it tells me that you are basing VERY important decisions regarding your life and your values on someone else's behavior. In other words, you are still Reacting.

When I first got into Recovery, the first thing I worked on was Detachment. The next thing I worked on was Not Reacting. I started with the physical parts of not reacting. When I felt myself getting mad, I told myself to breathe. When something he said upset me, I told myself not to cry. When he would dump all his issues and problems on me, I told myself to keep my mouth shut. I learned to stop rescuing and trying to fix things for people, especially when they did not even ask for help. I went to therapy and Al-Anon meetings to address the emotional stuff. And once I got some practice doing these things, I began to be able to better focus on myself, my life, my values, my wants, my goals, and my desires. I began to make decisions based solely on ME. I did not have to give ultimatums any longer.

And this has given me true freedom.
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