Linkmeister

I agree with Tuffgirl. No one can gauge "the right" time, only you will know when this time comes and you are ready.

My "time" came about a month ago when, in yet another drunken conversation (by phone), that it was my smoking that was killing his sexual desire for me (not the 2 anti-depressants he took, meds for high blood pressure combined with the onset of diabetes and 30+ years of drinking), along with telling me that I would never quit smoking, would never finish school because I was a quitter.

It was that moment when the light bulb came on and I knew that enough was enough, that nothing would ever change. It was his admission to me that he had been drinking steadily since Christmas (his last so-called relapse) that was the final straw and when I hung up the phone, I felt at peace with my decision to end things.

Just my 2 cents here-hugs and prayers coming from me to you.....

Sylvie66

There it is ~ the boundary within yourself. Since you crossed that boundary, what happens next? Are you willing to do it again? (that's a real question; btdt). How do you want to be, not just with her, but with anyone?

Are you banging up against the same wall when you talk to her? What life do you want, and what can you do today to work towards that? I ask myself that question every morning. The answer, for me, is always "Move forward with love".

- Sylvie

Shellcrusher

It's good to be back here today. I think things should be quiet at the office so I can get those documents scanned and backed up.

There's some repeated concepts spoken by several of you so I'm going to lump those together. I'll also respond to a few specific posts.

Yes. My biggest concern was she was passed out with a toddler in the house and alone. I dread what could have happened. She always said I was the one who didn't know how to raise my son but, well, we can all see how's she's projecting on me. She's a teacher and has about a month left. My DS will be out of daycare and I'm not okay with that. I'm trying to figure out a way to set a boundary here. I don't want him home with her all day while I'm at work. She screwed this one up last summer and I got her admission on video camera. I need to find the strength to simply tell her, no. DS will remain in daycare over the summer. The question is, do I tell her it's because I don't trust her enough to maintain safety for my son?

The light bulb visual helped me. I'm a visual thinker. So for all you light bulb people, my hand is on the switch. I'm just not there. I actually look forward to the moment when I turn it on.

The timing thing is pretty important. We have a large refund coming from the Feds. Based on how sneaky she is, i don't want her to assume control of that as it will help tremendously during the divorce process. I have access to the money but I'm patiently waiting. She'll be out of school for the summer so it would be easier for her to hopefully live with her parents while we process the divorce, which at this point, will probably happen this summer. Also, her parents are out of the state. They get back in a few weeks from their winter home. I really want them around because regardless of their enabling attitude, I believe they're half decent and I can only hope their presence will help keep the AW a little bit more under control. Not by me, but by mommy and daddy. I know it's about making things easier on her but that's actually not my intent. I know these are support mechanisms that could be in place for her which really means, things would be easier on me. Again, that is my hope.

Regarding the house and possessions. There's something I do or have been doing for a long time now. I daydream about life without my AW. I see myself taking a hit financially. It's going to happen. I will probably loose money on the house. It's a price I'll have to pay. The daydream is one of a simple life. One where I have a tidy little home. It's clean. It's organized. It's mine and my sons. Depending on parental time, it will be a good time for him and for me and it won't be heavy with huge mortgages and tons of stuff. (I'm keeping my tools!)

Yes, I am trying my best to look at this optimistically. Finding out the wine is now water is actually liberating. Sure it's self justification but every time she screws up, it makes it easier for me to move towards life without her.

Now for the specifics:
Learn2Live - Regarding the basis of detachment on a persons actions. My comment to find sobriety or I will file a divorce was not a reaction. I didn't say that last night. It was something I said a few weeks ago. She was sober, we weren't fighting. I just felt a responsibility to tell her what my plan is. I know it doesn't matter. The same can be said for the day the light goes on. I will tell her right then and there that I will be filing for divorce. I don't believe in just showing up with papers in hand. I needed to let her know what I will do. I understand your point completely. I just wanted to clarify that I didn't say this to her last night in a reactionary manner. It was pro-actively stated a few weeks to a month ago.

littlefish - Back in roughly December, I tried to lay down that no drink policy. She quacked about it. I learned a few things here. Primarily that I can't control it. So I just backed down. I really detached from that one. She also got support from her mom so I just grew quiet. For me, I don't drink around her. I don't buy booze. I don't have cocktails when I'm out, which I never am. The only person boozing in my home is my AW.

nodaybut2day - Yes, it's documented. I keep a daily journal per my lawyers guidelines. I wrote in my journal before I posted this message last night. It might not be conclusive but in the courts eyes, I show up with a long documented journal and she shows up with nothing. I also have over 30 minutes of video where she admits to a ton of stuff and she was hammered. This video actually stretches over a few days with a long time between the dates. This shows consistency in her drinking. I only wish I recorded things last night but I wanted to get the boy to bed and I really don't care to fight with her anymore. I may consider getting a voice recorder seeing as how the AW hid the battery charger for the camera and it's dead right now...

Thanks again everyone. I feel a big storm is brewing in my house.

Shellcrusher

Sylvie66,
I've been banging my head against the wall for several weeks now. I've been suspicious of her drinking. I haven't looked or played detective for a long time because for me, I know what she is and I know she isn't improving.
Back when I first started posting here it was because I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know if I was really seeing what I was seeing. So I held out on my boundary for as long as I could and checking on things last night was something I needed to do for myself. I had to validate myself. It gave me peace to find what i found. I didn't like it but I felt better knowing that I was right and I think it's okay to know you're right sometimes.

nodaybut2day

btw Shell...when I read the title of your thread, I had to scratch my head and wonder which Snoop Dogg song you had played last night and WHY?

ItsmeAlice

Tough nite Shell, and I'm sorry for that.
I wish this part of it were easier, but you are on the cusp of big decisions and when those come along, it's just uphill all the way. You gotta dig deep and find your way one step at a time. You're committed to doing that and that's all anyone, even yourself, can ask of you.

As for playing snoopdog, well validating our feelings and intuition on our own takes time and practice. Sometimes, we still just need that proof to honor what our gut is telling us. So that's what you got.

Of course, you ask the right question, "now what?" Time to hold true to the consequences of this discovery and that's easier said than done. Been there, too. It blows.

My consequence was that I would leave him entirely if I could not sustain healthy boundaries and stay happy in the relationship as a recovering codependent living with a very active alcoholic. I just couldn't make that leap. I kept plotting and planning, saving money, making arrangements. Took 7 mos into recovery to get a plan to leave, but the plan wouldn't come to fruition for 4 mos.

Well, I forgot that "we make plans, and God laughs."

I got a big push from my HP and had 3 weeks to leave the house we were in, find a place for us and all the pets and horses to live, and somehow pull his addiction out of a nosedive long enough to do it and secure he'd have a job when we got to wherever we were going. I realized I could manage the move and the housing, but not salvaging him. Not again. While I packed and planned a place for me to live with the pets and horses. He spiraled deeper into his binging. I went one way, he went another. Shortly after that, I dropped him from my accounts and cut off all contact.

Since then, I have gotten better about seeing consequences of my decisions and accepting them sooner.

We're all a work in progress, Shell. Keep telling yourself that. You don't have to do it all now. Just take a step towards it all each day.

You're gonna be okay. We're here. We've walked the path. We made it and you will too.

Alice

Cyranoak

It's hard where you are right now. She can't be trusted to take care of your boy, and your boy isn't safe with her. I sometimes felt like I was in a trap.

I know you know what to do, I know you are thinking about or taking the steps to do it, and I'll just suggest you may need to do it faster than you'd like. The stakes are fairly high, and she cannot be trusted at all.

Take care my friend,

Cyranoak

barb dwyer

Thank you for writing that.
That was the only part of all of this I didn't understand.

had iot been one of MY sons back in the day -
he'd have been under the water heater taking apart what covers that blue fire
or he'd have gone outside to play with the hose

lying quietly on the bed ... would NOT have happened
unless he'd been given wine, too.

Thanks for clarifying that for me.

pupnut5

The deception truly cuts deep doesn't it... It brings up more questions & more pain to process. I hope you find your peace with or without her. Your son is lucky to have a dad that loves him unconditionally despite his mums unavailablity.

Carol Star

Don't feel bad about snooping. You have to protect your child. Good advice here to detach and make decisions for you and your child only. Document things. Try not to deal or talk with her when you suspect she has been drinking. Try not to react. Videotape . You could do a trial seperation. My therapist who saw both me and AH said he needed to do 90 meetings in 90 days or I should seperate. He didn't do it. So I did. The choice/ball was in his court. He wasn't a responsible parent. He didn't deserve to be a parent. Is her family on board for an intervention? Now 4 yrs. post divorce I am good.

Shellcrusher

I've gotten her parents involved and at first they acted like they cared but in the end, they shut me down and protected her. They're her parents. They're her primary enablers. I don't get them involved.

So I'm 24 hours beyond yesterday. I've made tons of progress. Most insurance documents are backed up. My financials are pretty organized. I've reached out to my lawyer and he's been very helpful. I'm getting ready to move some money around, pay the retainer. My investment adviser doesn't know why but I've called him to action. His purpose is to gather pre and post marriage statements so we know exactly what's considered joint ROI and my own stuff not up for distribution.

As for the home life. The boy is fine. He was very happy today. I haven't said but 2 words to the AW and she's on her very best behavior. This is standard operating procedure for her. That makes it hard and it's what I always refer to as her seduction. She cooks, she cleans, she's sober, etc. I know it will crash and burn in a week. Keep me strong on my resolve. She tried putting him to bed. He was screaming. I could hear him and I'm downstairs playing guitar. He's now quiet. Either he went to sleep or he's now in bed with her because she caved. I'll see about that later.

So here's my question. She's almost off for the summer. The means daycare is almost over. I have to give 30 days advanced notice before terminating the contract. I really don't want him home with her over the summer. I want him to remain in school. I know this will raise hell with the AW. I also want her to know that I'm upset but for now, perhaps my silence is louder than anything I can say. Do I let the termination notice lapse. Do I bring the subject up and simply tell her that DS will remain in school and deal with her fallout?

Thanks for the all the support. It helps me so much.

Tuffgirl

Yikes, Shellcrusher - if it were my kid you bet I would keep him in daycare and away from your AW. But hey - I am a Mom and I go into protector mode quite easily. Just the other day I wanted to beat up an 18 yr old boy for being mean to my 17yr old daughter...well...in my fantasy...I may have won, too! ; )

Anyway - this is a huge issue...safety of a toddler who cannot provide that for himself. And I agree with Barb that it is amazing he sat quietly and watched TV. I have girls but my nephews raise holy hell most days. The youngest was a bolter - literally out the door at any given moment. The oldest was the take-things-apart kid. Like the toaster, the vacuum cleaner, the fish out of the aquarium. They've all had stitches before they were all 5. You lucked out.

How do YOU feel about leaving him alone all day - every day - with your wife who is out of control with her drinking?

suki44883

Do what you think is best for your son. Period.

lyssabee

I think your answer depends on what you're prepared to do, in terms of child care. Are you going to keep your kid in daycare no matter what your wife does or says? In that case, I might tell her, but of course I don't know the specifics of your household. I might tell her when he (your son) was not around, so you could get it out in the open, and not be tempted to a) keep him home and b) use it as a manipulation tool (I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds). But if you're going to tell her and then change your mind, don't tell her. Why bother? Because then if he stays home, she'll see that as a victory, as you giving in.

All that said, I wouldn't let him stay home with her, were I you. You're his dad, and you're supposed to protect him. Sad that you have to do so from his mom, but it is what it is. But I know you know all that - otherwise you wouldn't be asking the tough questions. You're doing great.

I wish I had "people" I could call into action

GettingBy

Do not let the daycare lapse. Stand your ground and trust your gut. She may get mad... But I firmly believe your sons safety is far more important. In addition to his safety, Organized daycare is sooo good for kids his age. My kids were home with me until my son was 15 months (daughter was 3). I resisted formal daycare... And know I wonder why I didn't do it sooner!! The schedule and regularity, and socialization they have received has been sooo good for them. Honestly, I think having daycare right now provides them 8 hours of security, guaranteed... 5 days a week.

Stand your ground Shellcrusher.

Carol Star

Daycare please. If she is drinking he may as well be alone. And you know she is hiding it so for your own peace of mind and his safety keep him there.

ItsmeAlice

This may not seem like it relates, but I think it does so here goes.

There was this moment right before I separated from my XABF. His mood was unpredictable to say the least. Drunk daily. Spiraling madly in binges.

He had slowed down long enough one evening to sit on the computer while I was packing and at one point asked me what we would be doing about his money in my account (I had taken over all the finances). I calmly told him I could write him a check or give him cash when I could get to the bank. This led him to ask if our relationship was over (the mind boggles over the idiocy of such a question as that point). I didn't even take a breath and said "yeah" quietly and plainly. He snapped back "why" in classic denial.

My answer, without emotion, total acceptance, looked him right in the eye...."That's the way it is."

For the first time in all the rounds we had there was no wishy-washy room for debate. No apology after I told him something he didn't want to here. No minimizing to protect myself again his moods. No softening the blow or taking the burden of the reality for him. It was what it was and I had accepted it and in that moment I was free. He could do with the news what he wanted. I had already sat with it myself and I had let it go.

I think that was the first time in many years that he didn't roll his eyes when I spoke, but that's another musing all together.

Shell, Not to go balls to the wall with this, but there is no chance that your AW is suitable in her current state to watch your child for the summer. The longest she can hold it together on her best behavior is a week apparently and last I checked summer rages a little longer than a week. Well, in Maine it's two weeks, but you feel me.

Just extend the daycare and let it lie. Sit with it, accept the reality, and when she finds out say it's because that is what is right now. It's just what has to happen. No explanation as to why with her. She freakin' knows why and that's why she's miss domestic goddess today because she ran motherhood up the flagpole again last night and passed out watching a 2 year old.

Shell, forgive me I got a wedge up on that one, I'm sorry if I've offended.
It's your choice, your decision. I'm only trying to inspire.
I support you in this.

Hang in there!! You and the little crusher!!

In friendship,
Alice

pixilation

This, this is why, since November when I found my then 2yo roaming the house, at 3am in the morning, with just a diaper on(I live in a cold state) , door not locked, I haven't left him alone with AH(there were empties sitting around) unless it's with 15yo there too(and even then, that has been for 20 minute or less trips to the store)I stupidly thought I could go enjoy myself for a few hours and see the harry potter opening. I was so very wrong.

I'm terrified about visitation, I really am.

barb dwyer

I think your gut is already telling you.

FindingPeace1

First let me say I TOTALLY understand not wanting to rock the boat.
What do you think she'll do or say?
Is it not wanting to hurt her or set her off?
What is it that you are resisting?

What happens in your mind when you play out you telling her, "I don't trust you. You're not safe to watch our child. I've made arrangements with the daycare and it is NOT an option to do anything else."

What do you see happening and how do you feel about it?