4 years lurking... 1st time posting
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
4 years lurking... 1st time posting
Hello all,
I have been lurking here for over 4 years without ever signing up or replying to threads. I have however been reading here on an almost daily basis.
I found this forum sometime in the first 3 years if my own personal ordeal with my alcoholic partner. Like many of you, I endured the insanity of this rollercoaster ride. I too suffered & experienced many similar toxic situations.
Before I give a little background of my own. I really want to say a geniune thank you. Thank you to all of you who have unknowingly helped me over the past 4 years. I have not always agreed with some of the advice given here to others. But I have benefited greatly from what I have chosen to take on.
I am going to attempt the difficult task of compacting my 7-8 year situation in the shortest way possible.
I met my partner at work & started a very romantic relationship. Within a year we were heavily in love despite the obvious red flags that something was wrong. I couldnt figure out what it was at the time. 2 years in, he took a job somewhere else, we were then living together, he was drinking but still very engaged in our lives & in healthy status. 3 years in, everything felt extreme. Either extreme closeness, extreme fighting or extreme distance. 4 years in, full blown but functioning alcoholic. Secrets, lies, abuse & all the ugly stuff (I could write a novel on all the chaos that I experienced) then...I moved out. 5-8 years on, I transformed & took on my own recovery. I struggled with the fallout of my toxic relationship & with my codependance. Today, I feel wonderful and at total peace.
Couple of interesting things though:
1) Al anon simply do not work for me. I tried several different groups over 2 years but it wasnt helpful to me. I understand that Al anon helps many people here so I respect others points of view & support their choice.
2) Since moving out of the house from my partner (3-4 years ago) we have stayed in a relationship together. It hasnt been easy at all but strangely this has worked out well for us. We spend time at each others homes & travel overseas together.
3) He still continues to drink. But the drama, anger & irrational behaviour has gone. Not just with me but with his family & co-workers too.
4) We are more emotionally close & honest than we ever have been since we met. We also seem to finally have a natural respect for each other.
Now I realise that my situation isnt the common outcome. And for all I know, it may possibly change again in the future. But for now, this is how it is. I dont have the answers or reasons for how we've come this far. I certainly wouldnt have imagined it many years ago. I do know however, that my own choice to 'take care of me' was a blessing & a huge step forward for me...and possibly us.
I just wanted to share a very different story to add to the mix in this forum. I still have the odd low day in my own recovery but I feel very grateful to have this unique forum to turn to. Now that I feel comfortable enough to sign up, I hope I too can give others any advice that may help them.
Once again, a long overdue thank you to the unknown folks on this forum who have contributed to my journey & healthy state of mind.
I have been lurking here for over 4 years without ever signing up or replying to threads. I have however been reading here on an almost daily basis.
I found this forum sometime in the first 3 years if my own personal ordeal with my alcoholic partner. Like many of you, I endured the insanity of this rollercoaster ride. I too suffered & experienced many similar toxic situations.
Before I give a little background of my own. I really want to say a geniune thank you. Thank you to all of you who have unknowingly helped me over the past 4 years. I have not always agreed with some of the advice given here to others. But I have benefited greatly from what I have chosen to take on.
I am going to attempt the difficult task of compacting my 7-8 year situation in the shortest way possible.
I met my partner at work & started a very romantic relationship. Within a year we were heavily in love despite the obvious red flags that something was wrong. I couldnt figure out what it was at the time. 2 years in, he took a job somewhere else, we were then living together, he was drinking but still very engaged in our lives & in healthy status. 3 years in, everything felt extreme. Either extreme closeness, extreme fighting or extreme distance. 4 years in, full blown but functioning alcoholic. Secrets, lies, abuse & all the ugly stuff (I could write a novel on all the chaos that I experienced) then...I moved out. 5-8 years on, I transformed & took on my own recovery. I struggled with the fallout of my toxic relationship & with my codependance. Today, I feel wonderful and at total peace.
Couple of interesting things though:
1) Al anon simply do not work for me. I tried several different groups over 2 years but it wasnt helpful to me. I understand that Al anon helps many people here so I respect others points of view & support their choice.
2) Since moving out of the house from my partner (3-4 years ago) we have stayed in a relationship together. It hasnt been easy at all but strangely this has worked out well for us. We spend time at each others homes & travel overseas together.
3) He still continues to drink. But the drama, anger & irrational behaviour has gone. Not just with me but with his family & co-workers too.
4) We are more emotionally close & honest than we ever have been since we met. We also seem to finally have a natural respect for each other.
Now I realise that my situation isnt the common outcome. And for all I know, it may possibly change again in the future. But for now, this is how it is. I dont have the answers or reasons for how we've come this far. I certainly wouldnt have imagined it many years ago. I do know however, that my own choice to 'take care of me' was a blessing & a huge step forward for me...and possibly us.
I just wanted to share a very different story to add to the mix in this forum. I still have the odd low day in my own recovery but I feel very grateful to have this unique forum to turn to. Now that I feel comfortable enough to sign up, I hope I too can give others any advice that may help them.
Once again, a long overdue thank you to the unknown folks on this forum who have contributed to my journey & healthy state of mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Pupnut 5,
This is my very first post. I enjoyed reading your post because it did give a different perspective to things. I am in a seven month live-in relationship with someone who drinks to excess many times. I knew this man a long time ago, we were friends, and he drank even back then. Many years later we met quite accidently and the attraction was immediate. I am very happy with him in every way apart from the drinking obviously.
My question to you is: Do you think that living separately made all the difference? I have often considered this as an option as I really do not want to call it quits because as I said, I am very happy otherwise. He is a good companion, loving, attentive, easy-going, interesting and sexually we hit it off very well. He has never been abusive in any way. When he drinks he usually gets very quite and just goes to sleep.
I am fifty- seven years old and never thought I'd find love again.
Thanks.
Thanks.
This is my very first post. I enjoyed reading your post because it did give a different perspective to things. I am in a seven month live-in relationship with someone who drinks to excess many times. I knew this man a long time ago, we were friends, and he drank even back then. Many years later we met quite accidently and the attraction was immediate. I am very happy with him in every way apart from the drinking obviously.
My question to you is: Do you think that living separately made all the difference? I have often considered this as an option as I really do not want to call it quits because as I said, I am very happy otherwise. He is a good companion, loving, attentive, easy-going, interesting and sexually we hit it off very well. He has never been abusive in any way. When he drinks he usually gets very quite and just goes to sleep.
I am fifty- seven years old and never thought I'd find love again.
Thanks.
Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Pelican & Hydrogirl - Thank you both for the warm welcome. I appreciate your time to reply.
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You say you didn't like al-anon but a lot of what you are doing, is exactly what I'm learning in al-anon as effective ways to handle alcoholism and codependency.
Especially the "one day at a time" thing
good luck to you. I wonder how your relationship will play out. From what I know of alcoholism, it is progressive. Taking things a day at a time will help protect you from what might be down the road.
Especially the "one day at a time" thing
good luck to you. I wonder how your relationship will play out. From what I know of alcoholism, it is progressive. Taking things a day at a time will help protect you from what might be down the road.
Originally Posted by pupnut5 
Pelican & Hydrogirl - Thank you both for the warm welcome. I appreciate your time to reply.
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Hi Sandrawg, Thank you for your time to reply.
I dont know what Al anon is like in different parts of the world. But here in Sydney Australia the groups havent helped me at all. I agree whole heartedly that the principles, methods & tools that Al anon teach are essential to anyone wanting assistance. I certainly dont disagree with Al anons overall approach. However, its the 'group' focus that hadnt helped me. It made me feel tremendously judged by others for choosing to continue to be in my relationship. Also I felt that if I (or others) wanted to discuss a progress of recovery instead of 'beat up the drunk' I was quickly dismissed & silenced. I felt Al anons 'group' approach kept me in a place of anger & hurt instead of supporting growth.
My road to recovery may include many methods that Al anon also teach. However there are numerous sources of similar assistance out there that teach the same things without the oppressiveness & strict rules. And some of those sources can be from unexpected places.
Personally Im not too concerned where someone gets their help & support from. As long as they are getting it.
I dont know what Al anon is like in different parts of the world. But here in Sydney Australia the groups havent helped me at all. I agree whole heartedly that the principles, methods & tools that Al anon teach are essential to anyone wanting assistance. I certainly dont disagree with Al anons overall approach. However, its the 'group' focus that hadnt helped me. It made me feel tremendously judged by others for choosing to continue to be in my relationship. Also I felt that if I (or others) wanted to discuss a progress of recovery instead of 'beat up the drunk' I was quickly dismissed & silenced. I felt Al anons 'group' approach kept me in a place of anger & hurt instead of supporting growth.
My road to recovery may include many methods that Al anon also teach. However there are numerous sources of similar assistance out there that teach the same things without the oppressiveness & strict rules. And some of those sources can be from unexpected places.
Personally Im not too concerned where someone gets their help & support from. As long as they are getting it.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by pupnut5
Personally Im not too concerned where someone gets their help & support from. As long as they are getting it.
Recovery really is à la carte. "Take what you like and leave the rest" - as long as you're working a program, and it's working for you, it doesn't matter.
That said, my usual Al-Anon group rarely mentions our qualifiers at all, and when we do, it's about the impact it's had on us, and what we're doing about it.
The new member meetings do tend to be more about the alcoholic, because those are people new to the program, but the newcomer meeting I went to there was still an emphasis on the person attending Al-Anon turning their recovery search inward, not outward.
I'm sorry you had a bad group.
There are some really great outs out there. That said, it does sound like what you're doing is working for you, so that's great!
I just wanted to share my experience, for anyone else who was looking for support, and having difficulty with their current Al-Anon group. Each one is different, so there may be a better "fit" out there.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Good morning Starcat & Barb. Thank you for your replies & lovely welcome.*
Starcat - I live at Darling Harbour so quite literally in the centre of Sydneys CBD. Im very lucky to be so close to many of Al anons meetings. If memory recalls there is around 42 meetings within an hours drive from here. I went to 7 of them over 2 years. So possibly I could continue with the rest of those meetings out there. Isn't it really sad though that not 1 of those 7 groups had anything close to the level of support you describe. What a huge shame. Thanks for sharing your experience though, its great to read differing experiences.
Starcat - I live at Darling Harbour so quite literally in the centre of Sydneys CBD. Im very lucky to be so close to many of Al anons meetings. If memory recalls there is around 42 meetings within an hours drive from here. I went to 7 of them over 2 years. So possibly I could continue with the rest of those meetings out there. Isn't it really sad though that not 1 of those 7 groups had anything close to the level of support you describe. What a huge shame. Thanks for sharing your experience though, its great to read differing experiences.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Welcome to SR.
I am intrigued by your story.
Things are much easier for me and my RAH since he left, too...
But there is still so much drama on his part, and he is not a good dad to our son.
Thanks for posting, keep it up!
I am intrigued by your story.
Things are much easier for me and my RAH since he left, too...
But there is still so much drama on his part, and he is not a good dad to our son.
Thanks for posting, keep it up!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Thanks for your post pup. There are many ways to handle the A's in our lives. I'm a 'whatever works!' type of person. You seem to be able to maintain some great boundaries. I do sometimes, then I don't so al-anon helps me keep loving boundaries. I also have very few people in my life who 'get' what my experience is like, I mostly go for the connections.
I know of people that do have very interactive and functional relationships with an active drinker. Again, boundaries and expectations are probably something they work on a lot. I often thought that I could have a relationship with the RABF if he did resume drinking because he is a gentle person, even when drinking, but for me the idea of knowing what he is doing to his body is something I'd struggle with. That is where alcohol doesn't differentiate, the cumulative toll it takes. It is kind of like smoking, I doubt I could deal with that on an ongoing basis as well.
As far as the emotional stuff from the BF when drinking, I think I could (and have) handled it pretty well myself. I wanted to be like you but in my situation, his life fell apart due to the drinking. He could never be a functioning drinker again. His guilt is really the hardest part, wasn't his actions while drinking at all that bugged me, it was the self loathing and shame he berated himself with.
Again, that is only my perspective. I do get where you are coming from though and I admire your ability to live in the present with the man you love!
I know of people that do have very interactive and functional relationships with an active drinker. Again, boundaries and expectations are probably something they work on a lot. I often thought that I could have a relationship with the RABF if he did resume drinking because he is a gentle person, even when drinking, but for me the idea of knowing what he is doing to his body is something I'd struggle with. That is where alcohol doesn't differentiate, the cumulative toll it takes. It is kind of like smoking, I doubt I could deal with that on an ongoing basis as well.
As far as the emotional stuff from the BF when drinking, I think I could (and have) handled it pretty well myself. I wanted to be like you but in my situation, his life fell apart due to the drinking. He could never be a functioning drinker again. His guilt is really the hardest part, wasn't his actions while drinking at all that bugged me, it was the self loathing and shame he berated himself with.
Again, that is only my perspective. I do get where you are coming from though and I admire your ability to live in the present with the man you love!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
[QUOTE=pupnut5;2949855]I went to 7 of them over 2 years. So possibly I could continue with the rest of those meetings out there. Isn't it really sad though that not 1 of those 7 groups had anything close to the level of support you describe. What a huge shame.[QUOTE]
Hi Pup!
I agree with you about Al-anon as well... while I do agree that they are a great support group for those that "fit" into it, it certainly is not a one size fits all group.
I am on the other side of the world than you and had the same experience. My group size was always around 8 - 14 people so everyone always had a chance to say something.. we kind of went around the circle... and I always felt "bad" about saying something positive about my RA/A... I was always the odd one out. I had nothing to complain about and no bad experiences since I've always been with my RA since he's been in recovery. I didn't know him when he was actively drinking/using...
I went about 7 or 8 times but every time I left the meeting feeling so depressed that I realized it wasn't good for my health anymore...
I actually find I get more out of attending the occaisional AA meeting with my SO (significant other). Is this an option for you? Does he even attend meetings? Although you could probably go by yourself and no one would say anything. The AA meetings I've been to here are generally much larger than the Al anon meetings. Usually about 40 - 80 people, so not everyone is expected to say something and it's easy to decline if you're asked.
I'm so glad that you have found a way to make things work though... and this is actually a great recovery tool as well... I'm the same as you... I lurk and read but don't post much for many of the same reasons I don't attend Al-anon... I don't really have many (or any) problems or issues with my RA and since I haven't lived through the tough times I don't have much advice to give... all I can offer is support...
Hugs to you,
T
Hi Pup!
I agree with you about Al-anon as well... while I do agree that they are a great support group for those that "fit" into it, it certainly is not a one size fits all group.
I am on the other side of the world than you and had the same experience. My group size was always around 8 - 14 people so everyone always had a chance to say something.. we kind of went around the circle... and I always felt "bad" about saying something positive about my RA/A... I was always the odd one out. I had nothing to complain about and no bad experiences since I've always been with my RA since he's been in recovery. I didn't know him when he was actively drinking/using...
I went about 7 or 8 times but every time I left the meeting feeling so depressed that I realized it wasn't good for my health anymore...
I actually find I get more out of attending the occaisional AA meeting with my SO (significant other). Is this an option for you? Does he even attend meetings? Although you could probably go by yourself and no one would say anything. The AA meetings I've been to here are generally much larger than the Al anon meetings. Usually about 40 - 80 people, so not everyone is expected to say something and it's easy to decline if you're asked.
I'm so glad that you have found a way to make things work though... and this is actually a great recovery tool as well... I'm the same as you... I lurk and read but don't post much for many of the same reasons I don't attend Al-anon... I don't really have many (or any) problems or issues with my RA and since I haven't lived through the tough times I don't have much advice to give... all I can offer is support...
Hugs to you,
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Buffalo66, Babyblue & Tatertot. Thank you all for your replies. Its great to be here at SR.
Buffalo66 - good to hear you're finding some benefit from living apart too. Im not sure if Id have the courage to continue contact at all with a child involved. Being a mum is something I admire a lot. But Im curious if you saw an obvious difference in your sons level of peace?*
Babyblue - his physical health concerns me too. But like most things, Ive had to try & let go of 'taking care of him'. I could met a non drinker who smokes cigarettes, drives recklessly, eats too much or has a risky job. All the same to me, its still me having concerns over the physical health of a grown man. Ironically this has also made me take a good look at myself a few years back. As a result, I quit cigarettes, not only for myself but to ease any concern my parents might have had.*
The self loathing & berating sounds heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you...thats so sad. Im not sure Id have the strength to walk away. At his worst (many years back) my fella was the opposite, self glorifying & abusively arrogant. Its a little easier to walk away from that. I havent seen this in him for a very long time.
Tatertot - your name reminds me of an old Ron White joke hehe. I never thought of going to AA instead. I might have to take a look this weekend. Thanks for the suggestion. I know that my fella wouldnt go. He could recite all AA literature including the big book word for word. He could probably chair a meeting himself. But...unfortunately education isnt enough for him.
Thank you all for sharing. Its gratefully received & gives me more to ponder*
Buffalo66 - good to hear you're finding some benefit from living apart too. Im not sure if Id have the courage to continue contact at all with a child involved. Being a mum is something I admire a lot. But Im curious if you saw an obvious difference in your sons level of peace?*
Babyblue - his physical health concerns me too. But like most things, Ive had to try & let go of 'taking care of him'. I could met a non drinker who smokes cigarettes, drives recklessly, eats too much or has a risky job. All the same to me, its still me having concerns over the physical health of a grown man. Ironically this has also made me take a good look at myself a few years back. As a result, I quit cigarettes, not only for myself but to ease any concern my parents might have had.*
The self loathing & berating sounds heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you...thats so sad. Im not sure Id have the strength to walk away. At his worst (many years back) my fella was the opposite, self glorifying & abusively arrogant. Its a little easier to walk away from that. I havent seen this in him for a very long time.
Tatertot - your name reminds me of an old Ron White joke hehe. I never thought of going to AA instead. I might have to take a look this weekend. Thanks for the suggestion. I know that my fella wouldnt go. He could recite all AA literature including the big book word for word. He could probably chair a meeting himself. But...unfortunately education isnt enough for him.
Thank you all for sharing. Its gratefully received & gives me more to ponder
*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by pupnut5
Pelican & Hydrogirl - Thank you both for the warm welcome. I appreciate your time to reply.
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
I am sorry I have taken so long to answer. I had some minor surgery done a couple of days ago and I am only just feeling well enough to sit at a computer.
i have often thought that living apart will help me retain my sanity. Before I met him, I was fiercely independent, having lived alone for many, many years. Love might and companionship may have been absent from my life but I did at least have peace and quiet. And I was very involved in local affairs and very creative.
All that is gone now. Every day is stressful. Every day he drinks. It's all making me very sick. Like you said, I need to dfo something to protect my heart and my peace of mind.
we have broken up many times and eash and every time I felt terrible afterwards. I missed him so. Whenever will I be ready to call it quits?
I am very confused. They do that to you, don;t they? Living with an alcoholic is like living with a madman.
I am glad things are working out for you. Maybe that's what I need to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
hello to popnut and zaire! welcome to you both. Popnut, it's great o hear that you are doing great with your situation. I'm sorry to hear that you has such a bad experience with alanon, but I love your view of it as well. Not having resentments towards a program that didn't suit you is very mature, thank you for wording it the way you did. I have been so lucky, my home group is very special, and that is a viewpoint that I share with many others who have been around the block to many meetings. It's making it difficult to appreciate meetings that I go to when I'm not back in that town (i moved recently and am now traveling) because the ones I find now just aren't as good as that one. There is so much healthy recovery in my home group. But each time I go to another meeting, I still try to take something with me, if I just open my ears, and heart, I will find something useful in something that is said. I feel the same way about your post, so thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading more from you!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Zaira - I hope you're recovering from your surgery well. And you are so right, living with an alcoholic brings endless confusion. I slowly lost the little things I loved to do as well. I stopped having family & friends over to our house. Slowly lost time & energy for hobbies too. I see now in hindsight that my identity was getting lost amongst the confusing daily drama. And like you, I felt horrible after each time we broke up.
Living on my own was very difficult at first. I struggled to cook for one. I would get anxious with the free time & energy I had. And I missed being cuddled at bedtime. But as I started to recover, I rediscovered old hobbies, found new ones & truly learnt to adore my own space. I have friends & family over for coffee & dinner which is fantastic. Every 3rd weekend, I have a 'treat' night. I camp out on the sofa with dvds, take out food (Im usually a health freak) and completely relax. Put my hair treatment in & a soft face mask, Im in heaven. I have a little dog who happily curls up next to me & I forget everyone & everything outside (including my partner) Even the mobile & laptop gets switched off. For me, this is a major jump from waiting by the phone stressed, worried & angry. Or trying to feel relaxed when I lived walking on eggshells. I feel I have more of everything now. More money, more health, more free time, more joy & more peace. When we do spend time together its great because its limited. We both make real efforts to enjoy what small time together we have. He has definately learnt that I do very well without him so I guess that may in part have some influence as to why he treats me respectfully now. But again, his changes are his to own alone, I take no credit.*
Kittykitty - its wonderful to hear you're happy with your group. And its great that you can get 'something' out of the experiences you encounter. I truly admire that. Its been a very challenging but positive lesson for me to identify whether Im getting something positive or negative from my relationships or experiences. I think I was driving blind in my twenties, just going along with whatever I felt, good or bad. Now in my mid thirties, I try to get 'something' out of each moment too. Id love to hear more about how you came to this point.
Thank you both for taking the time to reply
Living on my own was very difficult at first. I struggled to cook for one. I would get anxious with the free time & energy I had. And I missed being cuddled at bedtime. But as I started to recover, I rediscovered old hobbies, found new ones & truly learnt to adore my own space. I have friends & family over for coffee & dinner which is fantastic. Every 3rd weekend, I have a 'treat' night. I camp out on the sofa with dvds, take out food (Im usually a health freak) and completely relax. Put my hair treatment in & a soft face mask, Im in heaven. I have a little dog who happily curls up next to me & I forget everyone & everything outside (including my partner) Even the mobile & laptop gets switched off. For me, this is a major jump from waiting by the phone stressed, worried & angry. Or trying to feel relaxed when I lived walking on eggshells. I feel I have more of everything now. More money, more health, more free time, more joy & more peace. When we do spend time together its great because its limited. We both make real efforts to enjoy what small time together we have. He has definately learnt that I do very well without him so I guess that may in part have some influence as to why he treats me respectfully now. But again, his changes are his to own alone, I take no credit.*
Kittykitty - its wonderful to hear you're happy with your group. And its great that you can get 'something' out of the experiences you encounter. I truly admire that. Its been a very challenging but positive lesson for me to identify whether Im getting something positive or negative from my relationships or experiences. I think I was driving blind in my twenties, just going along with whatever I felt, good or bad. Now in my mid thirties, I try to get 'something' out of each moment too. Id love to hear more about how you came to this point.
Thank you both for taking the time to reply
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Pupnut,
Thanks for your well wishes. I have fully recovered and am elated with the results. I like the way you think. Your descriptions of face masks, hair treatments and friendly get togethers made me smile. This is what my life used to be like. Of course, I did not have the love and attention of a man, a body to cuddle up to, someone to talk to feel and feel warm and fuzzy inside. There were many lonely nights but generally speaking I was peaceful and quite happy.
You sound like a very "together" person with a healthy, positive outlook which I find very captivating. I also like the way you attempt to solve your problems using reason and sound judgement.
There are times when I yearn for my past life although truth be told I am happy to have A in my life in so many ways. I;m not ready to give up just yet. Like I said, it's only been seven months.
He does try but the relapses kill me. He doesn't want to live apart. I suggested it. I;m not sure I want to either.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks and express my admiration.
Z
Thanks for your well wishes. I have fully recovered and am elated with the results. I like the way you think. Your descriptions of face masks, hair treatments and friendly get togethers made me smile. This is what my life used to be like. Of course, I did not have the love and attention of a man, a body to cuddle up to, someone to talk to feel and feel warm and fuzzy inside. There were many lonely nights but generally speaking I was peaceful and quite happy.
You sound like a very "together" person with a healthy, positive outlook which I find very captivating. I also like the way you attempt to solve your problems using reason and sound judgement.
There are times when I yearn for my past life although truth be told I am happy to have A in my life in so many ways. I;m not ready to give up just yet. Like I said, it's only been seven months.
He does try but the relapses kill me. He doesn't want to live apart. I suggested it. I;m not sure I want to either.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks and express my admiration.
Z
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Ugh-I went to a couple of meetings like that years ago, when I was with a RAH. It turned me off to al-anon in general. Which is a shame.
When I found myelf in a rel'ship with an ACTIVE alcoholic, I went to al-anon out of a sense of emergency. I have now been to a bunch of meetings all with their own feel and characteristics, but I've found that the meetings that WORK FOR ME, do NOT focus on the alcoholic.
In fact, they encourage us to not talk about the alcoholic at all. And I think this is a core principle of al-anon. We do not talk about the A, because the focus needs to be on US and our healing.
If the leaders of a meeting are letting people get caught up in their members' personal decisions about whether to leave the alcoholic, then they are not abiding by true al-anon principles, IMO. Sorry that happened to you!
Thankfully we have the internet, so you could learn about and practice al-anon's true principles through online learning and internet meetings!
When I found myelf in a rel'ship with an ACTIVE alcoholic, I went to al-anon out of a sense of emergency. I have now been to a bunch of meetings all with their own feel and characteristics, but I've found that the meetings that WORK FOR ME, do NOT focus on the alcoholic.
In fact, they encourage us to not talk about the alcoholic at all. And I think this is a core principle of al-anon. We do not talk about the A, because the focus needs to be on US and our healing.
If the leaders of a meeting are letting people get caught up in their members' personal decisions about whether to leave the alcoholic, then they are not abiding by true al-anon principles, IMO. Sorry that happened to you!
Thankfully we have the internet, so you could learn about and practice al-anon's true principles through online learning and internet meetings!
Originally Posted by pupnut5
Hi Sandrawg, Thank you for your time to reply.
I dont know what Al anon is like in different parts of the world. But here in Sydney Australia the groups havent helped me at all. I agree whole heartedly that the principles, methods & tools that Al anon teach are essential to anyone wanting assistance. I certainly dont disagree with Al anons overall approach. However, its the 'group' focus that hadnt helped me. It made me feel tremendously judged by others for choosing to continue to be in my relationship. Also I felt that if I (or others) wanted to discuss a progress of recovery instead of 'beat up the drunk' I was quickly dismissed & silenced. I felt Al anons 'group' approach kept me in a place of anger & hurt instead of supporting growth.
My road to recovery may include many methods that Al anon also teach. However there are numerous sources of similar assistance out there that teach the same things without the oppressiveness & strict rules. And some of those sources can be from unexpected places.
Personally Im not too concerned where someone gets their help & support from. As long as they are getting it.
I dont know what Al anon is like in different parts of the world. But here in Sydney Australia the groups havent helped me at all. I agree whole heartedly that the principles, methods & tools that Al anon teach are essential to anyone wanting assistance. I certainly dont disagree with Al anons overall approach. However, its the 'group' focus that hadnt helped me. It made me feel tremendously judged by others for choosing to continue to be in my relationship. Also I felt that if I (or others) wanted to discuss a progress of recovery instead of 'beat up the drunk' I was quickly dismissed & silenced. I felt Al anons 'group' approach kept me in a place of anger & hurt instead of supporting growth.
My road to recovery may include many methods that Al anon also teach. However there are numerous sources of similar assistance out there that teach the same things without the oppressiveness & strict rules. And some of those sources can be from unexpected places.
Personally Im not too concerned where someone gets their help & support from. As long as they are getting it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by pupnut5
Pelican & Hydrogirl - Thank you both for the warm welcome. I appreciate your time to reply.
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
Kaira - Thank you for your welcome & reply too. Living apart has given me a much needed personal escape zone to nurture my recovery & rebuild my identity. In my world (my home) I am safe & free. But living apart wasnt my only saviour. I really needed to understand alcoholic abuse, toxic love & codependancy. I also learnt how to guard my emotional gate. I chose by my actions & words how, when & to what extent I allowed others (not just him) into my hurt zone. I also learnt to be less fearful about possibly dying alone. This has had an overwhelming effect on my entire being. I can not say that living apart or anything that I have done or said has influenced his own change in behaviour. But it has had a life saving experience for me. And as of now, I am happy with this situation to live apart. My fear is that someday we may choose to cohabitat again. I havent allowed myself to address that possibility yet. Hope that helps
It allows us to get the best of each other. And then go home to our separate spaces. I also have 2 kids from a previous marriage and I don't think he handled the stress of step-parenting very well. They are teenagers so almost at the end of the full-time parenting phase of my life. It also allows both of us to feel financially secure having our own assets - especially during early recovery. He knows he won't end up homeless if he relapses, and I know if he relapses I don't have to deal with it in my home.
I am also able to focus more on my own recovery and the space, peace and serenity really help a lot.
I think its awesome that it is working for you. And for those who have questions about it - all I can say is it felt right to me, so I did it this way. I won't do anything different until this stops feeling right.
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