GettingBy

That all depends on what you want to talk to him about and what you expect to get from the conversation.

If it were me, I wouldn't waste my breath... talking to him to tell him you're moving out isn't going to make him "get it", and it may actually make him more angry. I stopped talking to my AH because it just left me frustrated and emotionally ragged. I want what I want, and I don't need his permission anymore. I'm going about my business, working on my plan... and my AH is going on about his business... he's been out drinking more in the past 2 months than he has in the last year!

pixilation

Well, I guess a little bit, I keep replaying the conversation I want to have with him in my head. I want to tell him that I'm not sorry that I felt I had to call the sheriff the other day, that I am finding it unacceptable for him to drink while the kids are awake, unacceptable for him to not be providing for his children. but I know if I say anything, I'll just get verbally abused like typical for him.

I will NOT be telling him that we are moving out until it actually happens.

GettingBy

Basically what you want to do is defend yourself... let me spare you the verbal assault... he's not EVER going to validate the decisions you made or the boundaries you set. NEVER, EVER. PERIOD. In fact, and you know this, he will only argue with you that he thinks you were wrong, and will say and do whatever he can to confuse you and get you back to sitting down and shutting up.

I know because I had those same conversations just a week or two ago. I wanted to explain why I did x,y, and z. I wanted him to understand why I wanted a divorce, why the things he did were unacceptable... each and every conversation felt short of my "goal." I soon learned that the STOVE IS HOT and if I touch it... I WILL GET BURNED. So, I stopped touching the stove... I sometimes walked NEAR it, but as soon as I felt the warmth.. "Yup, stove is STILL HOT!" and off I ran in the other direction!!


You are doing the right thing. You are SOOOO strong, and on the right path. Keep the focus on you, and put one foot in front of the other. And when you have the urge to touch the stove... post here instead!

pixilation

Yeah, that's basically it. I know, it would be pointless for me to do it. I know he already suspects I'm moving out anyway.

pixilation

You're right, you are very, very right. I guess my subconscious at least wishes he was a normal, rational adult, and that I could talk to him like an adult.

theuncertainty

That's such a hard one to let go. I still find myself expecting XAH to behave like a rational adult. You think I'd learn to expect only angry tirades, lies and manipulation, but, oh, he used to be so understanding....

lillamy

Hey Pixi --
That's what my X said after he threatened to kill the lot of us.
And then again after he threatened me after we were already divorced.

I know we're not supposed to give advice, but here's my 25 cents: You might have an issue with your older one and school if you move out now. But at least you'll all be alive.

lillamy

And I didn't mean that as harsh as it came out. Just that there will never be a good time to move out. There will never be a perfect time. And I can almost physically feel the stress you are under. So I apologize if it sounded like I was telling you what to do.

You know what you need to do when. But please be safe and please don't underestimate how dangerous your situation could be. Hugs.

pixilation

I know there is never going to be a good time, I do. The school situation with my oldest son is what is keeping me here for the next few weeks. And even that, if I have to leave, I will. I would just like him to try and get the one credit that would help him still graduate in 4 years. I think though if I have too, I can get to the shelter and they may help with the schooling there too, or at least transportation.

I behaved myself tonight, I was at work, and my son(he was driving with a friend) calls me "why is Ah's vehicle on the side of the interstate with an orange sticker on it again" I didn't immediately run to text Ah to find out what happened. I did text him(a few hours later) but it was to tell him to get my old, expired carseats from his mother's basement, so I can trade them in for a $10 gift card(each) from Kohl's on Saturday. He brought up the vehicle/arrest, etc. Something to do with not having a front license plate? I didn't react other than "you shouldn't have been speeding" because that's usually what he does(he was sober, unless he's sneaking it).

and I am not in any way underestimating what can happen(there was recently a murder/suicide here, the woman had just sent divorce papers to her estranged husband, who she had a protection order against) I have all my necessary stuff(social security cards, birth certificates, etc) out of the house at my sister's. I have all the important files from the computer burned to DVD and at my sister's house. And, I am calling the crisis center to work on an exit plan with them, I haven't been able to do it because of oldest being with me the last two days while out running around with the school stuff, apartment hunting, and just plain staying out of the house.

I'm going to be ordering youngest's birth certificate tomorrow, I had failed to do it before now. That, and finding oldest's social security card, and getting him a replacement, is next on my to do list, along with the crisis center.

pixilation

And..I am being very protective of my cell phone, it seriously doesn't leave my side now, whereas previously I was getting a bit nonchalant about it. I have a spare car key in the car now too. having to run to the car with my son(8yo was already out there, i yelled for him to get out to the car after youngest was put down) and having to lock us in the car(a 2door escort) to keep him from talking, etc to us while I got youngest in the carseat, reminded me of how important the spare key could be(I did have my regular set on me though)

and if I need an extra reminder I just look at the "f*** you" text he sent me not long after I left.

theuncertainty

I just want to say it again. You are amazing and so much stronger than you know.

pixilation

Thank you, I do need to hear it. It is helping me keep my mind focused on my goal right now. Which is hard, because there is so much I want to say, but I'm keeping my mouth shut, and just journaling it.

Oh, I did also move 3yo out of the bedroom(2bdrm house, only so much room) and into the bedroom with his brothers. I sleep on the couch.

bookwyrm

And it does bear repeating!

transformyself

This is magic. Keep using it.

I've read through the whole thread and you're amazing. You keep doing the next thing, you're not trying to communicate with, explain anything to or obtain validation from your AH. I hope you keep coming back here to see our support for you and your children, and pride in how you're handling this. I hope you can hear our voices when you're afraid.

LexieCat

You're doin' great, Pixil! Excellent planning. You will thank yourself later.

Hugs,

Fandy

you might want to contact the school and tell them of your extenuating circumstances...being that there are only a few weeks left, they would most likely let your son finish out the year there even if you move now.

(at least that would make sense if they approved it).

pixilation

And I did talk to the school a few days ago, and after the meeting with the admins at what will be the new school, I'm going there again today. The school is aware of what is going on.

kittykitty

Way to go on the planning and preparation! Keep up the good work of putting you and your kids first and foremost.

StarCat

You are a very strong woman, pixilation.
And it sounds like you have your act together.
You are moving forward, with open eyes.

I can't wait until you get your own life back.
You and your children deserve so much more, and it won't be long now until you get it!