Tuffgirl

:rotfxko

My little old dog had an accident last night that I got to wake up to. He wouldn't make eye contact with me when I was cleaning it up this morning. Poor thing!

boomerlady

Thanks everyone for your comments. I thank my HP that AH decided to go to my counselor rather than pick another one. She's great and I saw her in individual sessions for about 6 months before we began the joint counseling. l intend to meet with her separately between every joint session, and I did meet with her before this 2nd session. She told me that she didn't want to scare him off in the first session but that he was not taking responsibility and she knew it. It made me feel much better to know that she saw through the quacking. I will see how long I can hang in there with the MC and not become totally frustrated. I'm trying to remain positive about it and reap some benefits from going through the process. I can see already that this will be very difficult to maintain.

TakingCharge, you are so right that all the active alcoholic thinks about is alcohol and sex in that order. He just asked me the other day when was I moving back into the bedroom. Mind you this man has done nothing but show up to 2 counseling sessions and quack, but he thinks this earns him something. He said in MC that he wants to be more intimate and close to me in all ways. We all know it's hard to be truly close to an alcoholic because they hold nothing more closely or dearly than the bottle. How can they not be selfish when their priorities in life are all about them getting alcohol?

Off the subject of MC, but I wanted to share what my church priest said in a meeting tonight. "He said when it's hard to listen to what God is telling us because we are hearing so many voices, know that what fills us with anxiety and tension is not the voice of God". Whoa, did that hit home or what? I chose to think my HP was speaking to me through the priest.

LaPinturaBella

Could be that HP is ALSO speaking to you though the counselor. Maybe you're doing this for yourself first and foremost so not only will you know you've exhausted all attempts to earn your way out of the marriage, but also so you'll truly accept that AH is not in real recovery and you do not need to go down with the ship at his side. Just something that occurred to me.


Take care. I think you're handling all of this really well.

Hopeworks

This is a great thread with lots of helpful information and insight.

I have a positive report on MC which began 2 years ago for us with a pastor/psychologist who had experienced and helped his son recover many years before from addiction. Having an exceptionally wise man with both psychological, spiritual and addiction knowledge that has become a mentor and father figure to my husband has been life changing for both of us.

That being said it was a long and difficult road with lots of work to unwind and change a lot of distorted alcoholic patterns of addictive thinking. The first year of counseling there were several very bad relapses with consequences and it was touch and go there for awhile with seperations (by me).

Looking back there was very little progress in the first year but it was very good for me because I had the benefit of the perspective and analysis of another person to help me understand the dynamics as well as our individual personalities.

My husband and I feel that God brought us together for a reason and we are very active in trying to help others find their way out of the maze of addiction... we don't have all the answers but counseling with the RIGHT counselor and support groups is always a benefit. If you go to counseling and its a waste of time because the alcoholic spouse is quacking then that is an indicator that now is maybe not the time.

For us it worked... we are very, very happy and feel very blessed. We are both growing and evolving in our relationship. We are not the norm however... sadly.

Prayers and positive thoughts your way in your journey to discovering what the right path will be for you ...

SoloMio

Great thought! One of the PRIME objectives of my self-imposed six week codie rehab (most of you know that I separated from AH for six weeks to a tiny beach cottage, and just came back a few weeks ago) was to get to a space where I could listen to God, rather than all the other "noise." I did a lot of readings, and went through a maze of spiritual works--several were authors writing about the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius (which the 12 steps are loosely based on, apparently). St. Ignatius talks about how when you are trying to follow God's will you will feel either "consolation" or "desolation.' You have to follow the "consolation"--you'd have to read the specifics about determining whether you are feeling consolation or desolation, but your quote definitely made me think of this insight.

But the other thing I determined to do was to maintain the idea of "poustinia" (I'm going to test you guys on all these terms later A poustinia is a sparse little place where you focus solely on God. The concept was "Westernized" by Catherine Doherty, who wrote a book called "Poustinia." I felt like my little codie rehab was a poustinia of sorts for me.

Last weekend after a bit of drama with my AH, I redid my adult daughter's room to be my "poustinia." I decluttered it, left only the bed (which has no headboard or footboard), and a dresser. I took out all books but the Bible, and I'm just waiting in the mail for a cross for the wall (one of the requirements of a poustinia, according to Doherty). I modified the idea by putting in a yoga mat and a few candles.

SO--that is exactly where I am going to spend my time shoring up my serenity and contact with God, so I don't get misled into thinking that tension and anxiety are what God wants for me.

Thanks for the quote!

Hopeworks

Completely agree with this poster. We both know that our HP (Jesus C.) was very, very involved in our counseling and did speak to us through our counselor and still does.

Miracles do happen but they are considered miracles for a reason as they are unusual and rare. I picked my user name because we all need hope for our future to make life worthwhile... I had hope and faith and acted on that belief that it was possible. Looking back my behavior was very codependent and almost crazy at the lengths I went to in order to both save him and our relationship (he was going to die in his addiction).

Today is good...very, very good. But... he was a late stage hopeless alcoholic and if he has one weak moment... one drink it could unravel in a matter of minutes. This is something I live with every day ... no one is promised tomorrow and life with a recovered alcoholic has a degree of uncertainty.

If he drinks he has written a notarized affadavit instructing me to have him Baker Acted as he knows he may be incapacitated by his disease. 2 years ago he didn't believe in rehab or AA! People , even addicts can change but it is rare...

We need hope but also need the help and advice of others (Alanon), professionals (GOOD counselors) and our HP to make it through the alcoholic matrix.

Cyranoak

...of the old joke where the man in the flood refuses to get on a boat or helicopter because God is going to save him with a miracle. When he dies he asks St. Peter why God didn't save him and St. Peter says, "What do you mean? We sent a boat and a helicopter!"

It's on each and every one of us to make sure we don't refuse the boat or helicopter while we are waiting for the miracle. They are available, but it's up to us to get on them.

While I would always remind people that hope is not a strategy, you said it best when you said, "We need hope but also need the help and advice of others (Alanon), professionals (GOOD counselors) and our HP to make it through the alcoholic matrix."

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

steve11694

I've said this before and I'll say it again;

If Jesus Christ returned to earth and told your active alcoholic husband what needs to be done to remedy the problems he wouldn't care.
His brain is pickled and poisoned and not working properly.

Even when they are in rehab the staff listen to the alcoholics story then they speak with the family to get the real version. It takes months for the brain to recover to some rational baseline.

IMO and that of many others you may be wasting your money, time and emotions. Kind of like shoveling sand against the tide and paying for the privilege to do so.

Linkmeister

I went through the same process. We had six sessions and all six got turned around to my "issues."

I walked out of the second-to-last session after yet another round of "dump on linkmeister." When I confronted him about this, he looked away, said my issues were holding him back and his alcoholism wasn't a factor.

I felt like I was in the sessions with Daffy Duck what with all of the quacking coming from his lips.......