Is my BF an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
Is my BF an alcoholic?
Hello everyone,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 yrs. For the most part we have had a good relationship. He lives 1 &1/2 hrs. away but we have managed to make it work. Neither one of us thought marriage was a goal because of our distance, jobs and my kids. My youngest is graduating from high school this year. When I fir=st met M he was in therapy but hasn't been back in years.He went to therapy after his last girlfriend suddenly left him. M never really told me why but he said he never wanted to go through that pain again so he wanted to work on himself. At first I never noticed a drinking problem but as time has gone on I am very concerned. I am 50 and my M is 47.
A little over a year ago my M took on a more stressful position at his company. It seems like when ever we are together he drinks and it isn't just a few beers or a few glasses of wine. He drinks hard liquor and doesn't seem to know when to stop. I have also noticed when I talk to him on the phone during the week he is often slurring his words so I know he is drinking . I am very concerned. He is also very sensitive when I talk to him and I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
This past Sat. we had gone out to dinner and a play and we came back to my house and began watching a movie. I had a drink and he was drinking beer and then he went to my freezer and started pouring vodka to drink along with the beer. After awhile his words were getting slurred and as we were talking about the movie, I disagreed about something about the movie. I couldn't understand him because of his slurring so I said it seems like you have had quite a bit to drink and he said yes he had a good buzz and for me NOT to ruin it. I got hurt and angry and told him I was going upstairs and that when he drank he acted like an SOB. I probably shouldn't have said that. I went to bed and fell asleep.
When I woke up at about 3 AM I went downstairs thinking he was asleep on the couch and he wasn't there. I became worried because I thought he might have driven home. I saw his truck outside and took a flashlight and he was sleeping in his truck. I told him to come inside and he said he wouldn't. I went back to bed ( didn't sleep) and at around 6 AM. M came in, grabbed his stuff and told me he was leaving. He told me I called him an SOB and he couldn't understand why. I told him that I didn't call him an SOB I just said he acted like one when he was drunk. I told him to please not leave that we needed to talk about what happened.
I don't know what to do. He is heading to New Orleans to the Jazz fest on Wed. with his buddies. He planned this in Jan. without even mentioning it to me until after he bought the plane tickets. I couldn't go anyway because of my job and I certainly wouldn't have had a problem with him going but the fact that he didn't even ask how I felt about it bothered me. At this point I just think he is going to drink and get wasted. I feel like he is having a crisis. I still love him but I can't be in a relationship with someone who finds solace in the bottle. I think he is trying to distance himself.
I will take my part in this but I honestly I feel he is acting very immature.
I called him yesterday and left a message to make sure he made it home safely. He called when I was out and just said he was home safe. He called me and left a message and his voice sounded sad and pathetic. I sent him an e-mail and told him we could talk when he gets home from the Jazz fest.I was upset over his drinking. He told me he understood and he was sorry for ruining my Easter.
At this point I am not sure he is an alcoholic. We only see each other a few days out of the month. Our time has decreased in the past few months due to him working on his house and working extra hours. If he is an alcoholic he is very high functioning and has managed to get promoted in his company, He is very smart, kind and caring but lately that has been decreasing.
I'm not sure what to do next and how I should approach his drinking to him. At the very least he has a drinking problem and a high tolerance. He always drinks all my hard liquor. I used to be able to keep a bottle of rum for a year when I wanted to make a pina colada but now I have to hide it when he comes over or he will practically drink it all.
I feel like I am only now coming out of denial.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 yrs. For the most part we have had a good relationship. He lives 1 &1/2 hrs. away but we have managed to make it work. Neither one of us thought marriage was a goal because of our distance, jobs and my kids. My youngest is graduating from high school this year. When I fir=st met M he was in therapy but hasn't been back in years.He went to therapy after his last girlfriend suddenly left him. M never really told me why but he said he never wanted to go through that pain again so he wanted to work on himself. At first I never noticed a drinking problem but as time has gone on I am very concerned. I am 50 and my M is 47.
A little over a year ago my M took on a more stressful position at his company. It seems like when ever we are together he drinks and it isn't just a few beers or a few glasses of wine. He drinks hard liquor and doesn't seem to know when to stop. I have also noticed when I talk to him on the phone during the week he is often slurring his words so I know he is drinking . I am very concerned. He is also very sensitive when I talk to him and I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
This past Sat. we had gone out to dinner and a play and we came back to my house and began watching a movie. I had a drink and he was drinking beer and then he went to my freezer and started pouring vodka to drink along with the beer. After awhile his words were getting slurred and as we were talking about the movie, I disagreed about something about the movie. I couldn't understand him because of his slurring so I said it seems like you have had quite a bit to drink and he said yes he had a good buzz and for me NOT to ruin it. I got hurt and angry and told him I was going upstairs and that when he drank he acted like an SOB. I probably shouldn't have said that. I went to bed and fell asleep.
When I woke up at about 3 AM I went downstairs thinking he was asleep on the couch and he wasn't there. I became worried because I thought he might have driven home. I saw his truck outside and took a flashlight and he was sleeping in his truck. I told him to come inside and he said he wouldn't. I went back to bed ( didn't sleep) and at around 6 AM. M came in, grabbed his stuff and told me he was leaving. He told me I called him an SOB and he couldn't understand why. I told him that I didn't call him an SOB I just said he acted like one when he was drunk. I told him to please not leave that we needed to talk about what happened.
I don't know what to do. He is heading to New Orleans to the Jazz fest on Wed. with his buddies. He planned this in Jan. without even mentioning it to me until after he bought the plane tickets. I couldn't go anyway because of my job and I certainly wouldn't have had a problem with him going but the fact that he didn't even ask how I felt about it bothered me. At this point I just think he is going to drink and get wasted. I feel like he is having a crisis. I still love him but I can't be in a relationship with someone who finds solace in the bottle. I think he is trying to distance himself.
I will take my part in this but I honestly I feel he is acting very immature.
I called him yesterday and left a message to make sure he made it home safely. He called when I was out and just said he was home safe. He called me and left a message and his voice sounded sad and pathetic. I sent him an e-mail and told him we could talk when he gets home from the Jazz fest.I was upset over his drinking. He told me he understood and he was sorry for ruining my Easter.
At this point I am not sure he is an alcoholic. We only see each other a few days out of the month. Our time has decreased in the past few months due to him working on his house and working extra hours. If he is an alcoholic he is very high functioning and has managed to get promoted in his company, He is very smart, kind and caring but lately that has been decreasing.
I'm not sure what to do next and how I should approach his drinking to him. At the very least he has a drinking problem and a high tolerance. He always drinks all my hard liquor. I used to be able to keep a bottle of rum for a year when I wanted to make a pina colada but now I have to hide it when he comes over or he will practically drink it all.
I feel like I am only now coming out of denial.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You can't keep alcohol around him at all, his words are slurred most of the time, he's easily angered, and you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him.
My opinion would be yes, he's an alcoholic.
But more importantly, his alcohol is a problem for you, and he is not willing to stop drinking, so does the label matter?
YOU matter. YOUR opinions matter. YOUR feelings matter.
And his drinking is becoming YOUR problem, too, because of how he acts when he's drinking.
I would encourage you to locate some Al-Anon meetings in your area:
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
Try attending six meeting, some different, including newcomer meetings.
They really help me, a lot, and it's great to have somewhere I can go to be completely honest about everything in my life. You don't have to talk at all if you don't want to, just sit and listen.
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you found us.
You're not alone.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I know that I had a hard time believing, accepting and saying that my H was an alcoholic bc of that "high functioning" thing that you describe.
My image of alcoholism was the homeless, bottle in a paper bag, stumbling drunk that is in movies etc...
I can understand your confusion bc it doesn't make sense that someone can hold a job, be responsible, respected in a career etc... and have a personal life that doesn't match... but I think that if you're posting on here and asking the question you probably have a gut feeling that your BF is an alcoholic, right?
I agree with Star Cat about going to al anon....
My image of alcoholism was the homeless, bottle in a paper bag, stumbling drunk that is in movies etc...
I can understand your confusion bc it doesn't make sense that someone can hold a job, be responsible, respected in a career etc... and have a personal life that doesn't match... but I think that if you're posting on here and asking the question you probably have a gut feeling that your BF is an alcoholic, right?
I agree with Star Cat about going to al anon....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Yes, he is an alcoholic. Denial is powerful isn't it? It took me a long time to figure out I was in it. You being here, it seems you are figuring it out too.
Rest assured, he's an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So, the question is, what are you going to do to help you? I suggest you begin with the only thing I ever found that could help me-- Alanon. Let me give you a hand:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Rest assured, he's an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So, the question is, what are you going to do to help you? I suggest you begin with the only thing I ever found that could help me-- Alanon. Let me give you a hand:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Read this sticky:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html
Your post reminds me a lot of how I felt in the beginning stages of a very tumultuous, painful, frightening, depressing off/on relationship with my exabf. I remember being puzzled by his behavior...the hard liquor at the bar...the slurry words on the phone... the "I'm just stressed, that's why I drink" (unfortunately, they seem to ALWAYS be stressed. There is always an excuse to drink. Sorry but drinking is not how healthy people handle stress)...feeling guilt, like I said the wrong thing, and THAT'S what cause his anger (they love to turn things around on YOU, btw)...
It is not an easy road. Better you trust your instincts now before you get into this too deep.
I know other people have said it but PLEASE, do try to find an al-anon meeting and give it a try.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html
Your post reminds me a lot of how I felt in the beginning stages of a very tumultuous, painful, frightening, depressing off/on relationship with my exabf. I remember being puzzled by his behavior...the hard liquor at the bar...the slurry words on the phone... the "I'm just stressed, that's why I drink" (unfortunately, they seem to ALWAYS be stressed. There is always an excuse to drink. Sorry but drinking is not how healthy people handle stress)...feeling guilt, like I said the wrong thing, and THAT'S what cause his anger (they love to turn things around on YOU, btw)...
It is not an easy road. Better you trust your instincts now before you get into this too deep.
I know other people have said it but PLEASE, do try to find an al-anon meeting and give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
SOunds like he has a problem with alcohol.
The question is,, do you have a problem being with someone who is beginning to treat you this way, and who has to drink to that degree to just watch a movie?
Alcoholism is progressive, so, you can bet that it will get worse if he does not check it.
It will get worse for you, as well, if you do not take on some new ways to protect yourself from his behavior, and his treatment of you.
Alanon can help, as can posting and reading, reading, reading here.
The question is,, do you have a problem being with someone who is beginning to treat you this way, and who has to drink to that degree to just watch a movie?
Alcoholism is progressive, so, you can bet that it will get worse if he does not check it.
It will get worse for you, as well, if you do not take on some new ways to protect yourself from his behavior, and his treatment of you.
Alanon can help, as can posting and reading, reading, reading here.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi artygirl
I recommend the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Many questions have been answered there. As an alcoholic, alcohol will always come first. Sometimes its not even that others take a 2nd place - alcohol is the ONLY thing.
Hope you can get to AA as a visitor/Alanon.
Informing myself about alcoholism was sad but made me realize I am not able to cure anyone and trying to make a self destructive person act healthily is an exercise in futility and resentment. I had an alcoholic BF and after leaving him, 2 years later, he is who he is, drinks the same or more, never saw a problem, in fact I am pretty sure he was happy when I left because then no one else was going to confront his reality. Two blinks later he got a younger woman who drinks more than him. And they live happily ever after.
Its not about what others do but what is OK with you, what YOU look for.. are you willing to make alcohol your life? are you willing to accept him as he is acting now? are you ok knowing he will sooner or later have health issues that will require hospitalization? are you ok walking on eggshells? are you aware this is chronic and progressive? check out other stories here, see how it goes when you marry and have kids...this is a very very sad disease.
Just my two cents...
I recommend the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Many questions have been answered there. As an alcoholic, alcohol will always come first. Sometimes its not even that others take a 2nd place - alcohol is the ONLY thing.
Hope you can get to AA as a visitor/Alanon.
Informing myself about alcoholism was sad but made me realize I am not able to cure anyone and trying to make a self destructive person act healthily is an exercise in futility and resentment. I had an alcoholic BF and after leaving him, 2 years later, he is who he is, drinks the same or more, never saw a problem, in fact I am pretty sure he was happy when I left because then no one else was going to confront his reality. Two blinks later he got a younger woman who drinks more than him. And they live happily ever after.
Its not about what others do but what is OK with you, what YOU look for.. are you willing to make alcohol your life? are you willing to accept him as he is acting now? are you ok knowing he will sooner or later have health issues that will require hospitalization? are you ok walking on eggshells? are you aware this is chronic and progressive? check out other stories here, see how it goes when you marry and have kids...this is a very very sad disease.
Just my two cents...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
Wow!
Thank-you to all who wrote and replied to my post.
The silly thing is that I didn't come out of denial until he snapped at me last Sat. night about me killing his buzz. His buzz was more important than me or my opinion about the silly movie, "Crocodile Dundee"!! When I called him on his drinking for the first time he got very angry and slept in his truck. Healthy people are not so filled with self loathing that they will go outside and sleep in a truck when it is cold outside because someone expressed their opinion.
I enabled him in the past by drinking with him and when I started noticing that I was increasingly drinking more and I actually went off any alcohol for awhile did I really notice that things were bad. I may have wine now and then but I'm so turned off by alcohol now I can't even drink that. I sometimes think that the LD relationship helped him to hide his alcohol problem for a long time. When we went on vacation we both drank a bit more and I thought it was because he was on vacation. ( but he drank an awful lot) I only saw him on weekends so I thought he was only drinking on weekends, except he would drink all my hard liquor and I started hiding it. I didn't want him to drink it all. A bottle of rum could last me a year or more when I had people over to make pina coladas. But it would disappear quite quickly when he was around.. He would tell me he would buy me more but then he would drink that one too.
But until recently he would drink and be at least happy and sweet. Something has changed and I think that he is getting worse. Normally he is the kindest, most generous loving man I have ever known... but he is also getting cranky when he is sober now.
I see that there is an al anon meeting at my local church tomorrow night and I am going to go. I have no idea what to expect. M is at the jazz fest and won't be back until next week. This gives me time to get my thoughts together before I will talk to him again. I am really scared about what I should do. I really have no idea. I still love him and that is the terrible part. He has never been abusive to me but there is a shift. I think it is because I am catching on.
I am beginning to wake up but I still can't say a hundred percent sure that he is an alcoholic. I am not with him enough. He never drinks and drives.
This is all so new to me...
The silly thing is that I didn't come out of denial until he snapped at me last Sat. night about me killing his buzz. His buzz was more important than me or my opinion about the silly movie, "Crocodile Dundee"!! When I called him on his drinking for the first time he got very angry and slept in his truck. Healthy people are not so filled with self loathing that they will go outside and sleep in a truck when it is cold outside because someone expressed their opinion.
I enabled him in the past by drinking with him and when I started noticing that I was increasingly drinking more and I actually went off any alcohol for awhile did I really notice that things were bad. I may have wine now and then but I'm so turned off by alcohol now I can't even drink that. I sometimes think that the LD relationship helped him to hide his alcohol problem for a long time. When we went on vacation we both drank a bit more and I thought it was because he was on vacation. ( but he drank an awful lot) I only saw him on weekends so I thought he was only drinking on weekends, except he would drink all my hard liquor and I started hiding it. I didn't want him to drink it all. A bottle of rum could last me a year or more when I had people over to make pina coladas. But it would disappear quite quickly when he was around.. He would tell me he would buy me more but then he would drink that one too.
But until recently he would drink and be at least happy and sweet. Something has changed and I think that he is getting worse. Normally he is the kindest, most generous loving man I have ever known... but he is also getting cranky when he is sober now.
I see that there is an al anon meeting at my local church tomorrow night and I am going to go. I have no idea what to expect. M is at the jazz fest and won't be back until next week. This gives me time to get my thoughts together before I will talk to him again. I am really scared about what I should do. I really have no idea. I still love him and that is the terrible part. He has never been abusive to me but there is a shift. I think it is because I am catching on.
I am beginning to wake up but I still can't say a hundred percent sure that he is an alcoholic. I am not with him enough. He never drinks and drives.
This is all so new to me...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I see that there is an al anon meeting at my local church tomorrow night and I am going to go. I have no idea what to expect.
It is SUCH a head start when we are willing to seek support
and maybe some help
when something feels too big to handle.
Such a great thing you wrote!
I love that you don't know what to expect
and that's exactly the way to go to a first meeting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
Thank-you but honestly I am terrified.
I just never expected to be at this place. I haven't even cried. I am simply numb. I got out of an abusive relationship 13 yrs. ago My exH was so controlling and he would put me down all the time. ( he wasn't a drinker though) When I met M he treated me wonderfully and I thought I met my forever partner.
Now I am not so sure.....
How could this be.
I just never expected to be at this place. I haven't even cried. I am simply numb. I got out of an abusive relationship 13 yrs. ago My exH was so controlling and he would put me down all the time. ( he wasn't a drinker though) When I met M he treated me wonderfully and I thought I met my forever partner.
Now I am not so sure.....
How could this be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
One of my best friends was "high functioning;" didn't start drinking until after 5pm and ALWAYS got up and to work; and never drank and drove. HOWEVER, he also drank a 5th of Jack Daniels (minimum) every night. He was an alcoholic. I say WAS because he died 2 years ago due to complications from his drinking.
I applaud you for educating yourself, asking questions and getting support and going to Al-Anon for YOU. It will get better if you chose what's best for you
I applaud you for educating yourself, asking questions and getting support and going to Al-Anon for YOU. It will get better if you chose what's best for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
Hello all,
I just returned from my first Al anon meeting and everyone was so supportive and kind. But I am not really any closer to knowing what to do about my situation. I don't know how to talk about things with my BF of 5 yrs. when he gets back from the Jazz fest. Of course I am sure he is drinking and drinking a lot. This is what he likes to do and I don't know what I should say. I am afraid he will tell me that he will stop and then drink when he is not with me. He lives an hour and a half away so we see each other on weekends but lately there are weekends where we don't see each other because of other obligations. It is a LD relationship. How can I possibly know if and how much he drinks when I don't see him all the time?
He is 47 yrs. old and I am afraid he is destroying his health. We have talked about plans for our future after we retire but that is 12 yrs away.
I just returned from my first Al anon meeting and everyone was so supportive and kind. But I am not really any closer to knowing what to do about my situation. I don't know how to talk about things with my BF of 5 yrs. when he gets back from the Jazz fest. Of course I am sure he is drinking and drinking a lot. This is what he likes to do and I don't know what I should say. I am afraid he will tell me that he will stop and then drink when he is not with me. He lives an hour and a half away so we see each other on weekends but lately there are weekends where we don't see each other because of other obligations. It is a LD relationship. How can I possibly know if and how much he drinks when I don't see him all the time?
He is 47 yrs. old and I am afraid he is destroying his health. We have talked about plans for our future after we retire but that is 12 yrs away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by artygirl 
Hello all,
I just returned from my first Al anon meeting and everyone was so supportive and kind. But I am not really any closer to knowing what to do about my situation. I don't know how to talk about things with my BF of 5 yrs. when he gets back from the Jazz fest. Of course I am sure he is drinking and drinking a lot. This is what he likes to do and I don't know what I should say. I am afraid he will tell me that he will stop and then drink when he is not with me. He lives an hour and a half away so we see each other on weekends but lately there are weekends where we don't see each other because of other obligations. It is a LD relationship. How can I possibly know if and how much he drinks when I don't see him all the time?
He is 47 yrs. old and I am afraid he is destroying his health. We have talked about plans for our future after we retire but that is 12 yrs away.
I just returned from my first Al anon meeting and everyone was so supportive and kind. But I am not really any closer to knowing what to do about my situation. I don't know how to talk about things with my BF of 5 yrs. when he gets back from the Jazz fest. Of course I am sure he is drinking and drinking a lot. This is what he likes to do and I don't know what I should say. I am afraid he will tell me that he will stop and then drink when he is not with me. He lives an hour and a half away so we see each other on weekends but lately there are weekends where we don't see each other because of other obligations. It is a LD relationship. How can I possibly know if and how much he drinks when I don't see him all the time?
He is 47 yrs. old and I am afraid he is destroying his health. We have talked about plans for our future after we retire but that is 12 yrs away.
Keep going to Al-Anon, and keep posting here. It helps to read others stories as well as talk to people in person about their experiences. But ultimately, its about what YOU want out of your life.
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