tryintosmile

I haven't been here for a while. My niece moved back with her Mom and the AH got his 'way'. She was a good kid but he just can't stand children around. It must be because they can see right through him and he doesn't like that. In fact he wants no one around when he's drinking (except enabler #1 - moi), but did allow my ill mother and her husband to continue renting the downstairs apartment because they're quiet and he never sees them. He hated my spending time with my niece - as it was time away from him.

He got better for a while, so I didn't feel such desperation in needing to post. He'd have a couple of drinks and go to bed at a reasonable hour. He stopped being such an a*hole. I stopped walking on as many eggshells and I thought it was getting pretty tolerable. Al Anon had helped me do a lot of detaching and that was a good thing. I stopped feeling it was MY responsibility to 'do something about the drinking' and that was a huge relief.

He's in line for a position as a Lead Hand in his job. There is a man who works there who is Ukranian and doesn't speak English very well and the other two guys he works with are abusive to this guy. They call him a '*******' and really don't want him working there, but my AH goes to bat for him. He's had a few arguments with his co-workers, telling them that they have to stop being abusive to this guy because he's doing his best and he can understand enough to know that they're calling him names. My AH asks ME how he should deal with this abuse!

This is the man whose called me every name under the sun! This is the man who just called me a dumb c*nt because I told him that it was hard for me to answer that question, when he was more verbally abusive to me at home than these guys were to their co-worker. He started in on me because the only answer I would give him was to take a look at himself and his own abuse and perhaps he'd know how to deal with it. This erupted into one of his abusive tirades aimed at me and he did a lot of projection. Said I was abusing him because I wouldn't help him figure out how to deal with this situation. He refuses to see his own abusive nature. That really blows me away!!! He's not as angry anymore - but it's still there - below the surface, like tonight.

Geez - I'm so over a lot of stuff and if it all ended tomorrow I could care less. I didn't even care when my sister told me that the other night when I was driving us all somewhere he kept poking her in the back - as if to get her attention on the sly (drunkly of course). Like in his drunk mind, he thinks she'd jump at an affair with him or something. Alcohol just warps his mind so much that I'm never sure who I'm really living with. He says and does things when he's drinking that I still to this day cannot believe.

While I'm looking forward to a fun summer with the pool and generally much better moods all around - I still wonder how much longer I'm going to 'waste' my life with this. I don't even care if he quits drinking or not. He doesn't like that I don't show much care about him anymore - but I can't pretend I feel anything I don't. He often says that if I don't like it (the drinking and abuse), I can leave. In other words, what he's saying is that it is his right to be that way and I need to either put up with it or shut up and deal with it. I don't really feel much anymore - anyway - and the abuse doesn't even bother me that much anymore. At least I don't 'own' it any longer, which has been such a relief - and yet I still have to ask myself what I'm still doing here. I am sick with FM - which makes it more difficult to up and go, since I suffer from a steady pain with exhaustion a lot of the time. He thinks I'm at home and I should be the maid. He pretends to 'believe' my disability, yet on the other hand, he likes to go on and on about how I never do anything. I do what I can and he's not a supportive person, unless he decides he wants to be. I still wonder how much better I would feel without the stress of living with a Jekyll and Hyde. I'm not driving myself crazy anymore - which is a good thing. I guess I'm at a stage where I'm trying to find the right path, and figuring out that whatever decision I make, I have to be happy with it. Just as he doesn't believe or care about my disability and my limitations - I don't care if he keeps drinking and destroying himself. I just don't feel supportive at all anymore. It's very sad - but true. There's only so much a person can take before they shut down ...

stella27

he's right. If you don't like it, you can leave.
If you do like it, you can choose to stay.

Seren

(((tryingtosmile))) I'm sorry you are so unhappy and hope that you will realize someday that you deserve to be happy. It just may not take on the form you had always envisioned. That power is yours, and as someone wrote here recently, that chain wrapped around your ankles does not have a lock......

Hugs and prayers, HG

nodaybut2day

You can change this situation, if you choose to. Do you want to change it?

I know there are complicated factors (your ill mother, your disability), but there are ways around them.

I'm glad you decided to pop back into SR!

StarCat

Either he doesn't see the abuse because in his mind, he's perfect, OR he sees the abuse, and is using his denial to keep your head spinning and keep you on the roller coaster and under his control. Abusive men are very clever in the mind games they play.
And abuse has nothing to do with alcohol - they are two separate issues.

Detaching from abusive alcoholics works differently than detaching from someone who is "only" an alcoholic. The abuser will recognize that you are no longer getting drawn into his mind games, and will frequently escalate the abuse in an attempt to keep his victim under his thumb and within his control. Even his "You can leave if you want to" is used to show that he won't change, so you have to change to either accept it or leave - and he's certain you won't leave, he's that confident in his "skills" of manipulation.

Please be careful. Even if he hasn't been physical with you, that doesn't mean he won't be.
Nobody deserves to be abused. You deserve better than this.

If you haven't read this thread yet, I highly recommend it. I believe that you'll find a lot of stories and facts here that you relate to.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html

Also, there's a lot of great information and links in this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

And please call a domestic violence hotline. They understand what you are going through, and can answer any questions you have. Many of them have been in similar situations themselves. They understand.
Not sure where you are geographically, but here's the US numbers:

You are not alone.
You deserve better.
You don't have to live like this.

I'm glad you came back.

theuncertainty

Hugs,Trying. I'm sorry that you're going through this and that your niece had to leave because of him. I really recommend looking through a copy of Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, which is the book in the book thread that StarCat posted a link to. If you can't get a hold of a copy the book, the discussion link has a lot of good information about the book. (Quick note, if I had found this book while still with XAH, I would have made sure he never saw it... Please stay safe.)

The author runs a program for counseling abusers and the book has a lot of amazing insights. One section of his book details how the abusers in his sessions would take the side of any man whose abuse style was like their own, but would call other men on their abuse if their style was different. It's like they think "I would never do that, so therefore it's abuse." and "This is OK, because it's how I think." Your husband's defense of his Ukranian co-worker actually makes a lot of sense when looking at it from this perspective.

It doesn't make it any easier to accept that he's abusive. And I don't think I, or any one, should accept abuse. I'm told often that XAH's abuse isn't personal, it's just what he does. It sure does FEEL personal, because it's happening to me, but yeah, it's just how he relates to his 'partners'. It's hard to remember it.

I still find myself wanting XAH to JUST ADMIT that how he treated / still treats me was wrong. I don't think that will ever happen and I'm trying to learn to accept that.

Hugs. You are stronger than you know.

MyBetterWorld

You need to decide when you want to go from leading "TOLERABLE" life to a good life. The decision is that simple. It's the execution of that decision that is so much harder. (but well worth it!) We are here for ya either way.
M

tryintosmile

Thanks Things just got so much better by comparison that I was feeling so relieved. I thought I'd soak it up for a while and that I didn't need to take any action. It still IS better, except that bouts like last night come up from time to time to remind me that I will still have to make some hard decisions at some point. I sometimes wish they would happen without my having to take action, like him leaving for another woman or whatever, but it's dumb for me to wait for that. It would likely come if I became more ill and couldn't be a good enabler. Then I wouldn't be able to take care of myself either.

Thanks for remembering me and for all of your great suggestions in the past. I have done some work - perhaps not enough yet, but at least some


The Uncertainty ~~~The author runs a program for counseling abusers and the book has a lot of amazing insights. One section of his book details how the abusers in his sessions would take the side of any man whose abuse style was like their own, but would call other men on their abuse if their style was different. It's like they think "I would never do that, so therefore it's abuse." and "This is OK, because it's how I think." Your husband's defense of his Ukranian co-worker actually makes a lot of sense when looking at it from this perspective.

Thanks for pointing this out! It really answers my question. He can't see his own abuse because it's in a different context and he believes it's his right to exercise in his own home. What infuriates me so much is how the 'outside' him is so different from the 'inside' him. He has no integrity - whatsoever.

I have read some of the book - 'Why Does He Do That' but I believe I'd better read the whole thing now.

Thanks Starcat - I live in Canada and do know the resources are there for me. I've reached for the phone hundreds of times but then question myself of whether it's really that bad. I also worry that once I do that my life will be changed forever - he and his daughters will never forgive me for taking an action that will bring to reality the abuser is really is. They know he's an alcoholic, but they really don't know the extent to how his abuse has affected me. It's opening a can of worms and I feel that I have to have something very concrete in order to do that. Even a black eye - just something no one can question. He's been too smart for that and it's been 15 years. Emotional/Verbal abuse is so invisible and a smart abuser/manipulator can turn it all around and have people believing that you're the freak/loser/abuser/over-reactor or whatever. I know that may sound like a stupid reasoning, but it's how I seem to justify things. It IS a double whammy having to deal with an alcoholic AND and abuser.

And thanks My Better World What you say is true. I'm so relieved it's tolerable right now that I'm breathing a little easier. Do I deserve better - absolutely - and I hope someday I can report that I am getting it

Thanks everyone for still being here for me - even though I haven't been strong enough to leave yet.

theuncertainty

Big, big hugs, Tryin. You're getting it. It just takes a while to really understand it, to FEEL it, to really believe it. Any one, myself included, who has been in a situation where DV is involved KNOWS how hard this is and doesn't think you aren't getting it.

When you're ready, you'll be ready. There's no forcing this. Leaving is an act of courage and strength. Staying is an act of courage and strength. Please don't be down on yourself for not being ready yet. We're here to support you however you need support.

Take gentle care of yourself.

StarCat

I've had the same feelings.
In fact, it took me months and months after I left XABF for me to call the number. XABF's abuse was all verbal and emotional, and I believe financial but I'm not even sure. (That's crazy, isn't it? But I really don't know.)

The woman on the other end was very friendly, and actually apologetic because in my state verbal and emotional abuse is not considered abuse by law. (That's crazy, too.) We talked, and she validated my feelings, and gave me a few legal phone numbers to call and ask about my options if XABF kept trying to follow me/contact me/pull me back in.

While the numbers were a good thing, I appreciated that validation even more. I was so glad that I called. Just one more reason to trust myself.



You don't have to do anything until you're ready to do something.
Just know that when you call the hotline number, they didn't ask me where I lived, or what my name was (she made sure to introduce herself by name, but never asked for mine), or any information about me. I talked, she listened, and it was such a relief to have a complete stranger with experience in this sort of thing telling me that I was sane.
You don't have to do anything with the information, they won't try to trace it back to you, they understand the difficult situations that abused women are in, and so they won't push anything, but they'll give you all the validation and kind words in the world.

theuncertainty

Yep, me too, on the waiting months until after I'd left XAH. I did a kind of kamikaze move-out when I left him and in hindsight, it wasn't the best way to do it and I was very lucky.

StarCat - it's not crazy at all. I'm still figuring things out. What highlighted the financial abuse in my marriage was when XAH actually accused me of it when he was on the stand at our divorce hearing - just like he accused me of cleaning during the games on purpose and therefore causing him to get angry with me. I can see the financial control now that I'm looking for it, but at the time I didn't think much beyond the idea that he was just spending all the money on alcohol or whatever.

StarCat

In my case, he'd book all these hotels and fancy dinners, and buy me all these things, and then I felt like I had to bail him out and help him pay his bills and pay the bills for the things he scheduled because he "did them for me." I kept most of the physical things he bought "for me," sure, but I don't think they were really for me, I think they were another attempt to keep me stuck in the cycle, and feeling like everything going wrong was my fault. I also feel that it was so he could point to them and tell everyone, "Look what I bought her!"
I did enjoy a lot of the things we did, and I helped pay for them willingly, but after awhile I started trying to put the brakes on, and there was no slowing down that freight train. "Just one more year," he'd say, "then we'll stop and relax." And the year would come and go, and he'd say the same phrase the next year, and brag to everyone about how we were going everywhere all the time. I started to resent the trips, and breathe better when he was so drunk that we canceled, so that I wouldn't "have to" help pay for them.

That is financial abuse, isn't it?
I did give him my money, but I felt so pressured into it, and I stopped buying ANYTHING for myself, while he'd go and blow $200 on VHS tapes on Amazon that he'd never watch.
"For us," he'd say. "Why don't you go pay for these 20 tapes, that way we'll split the cost, and it will be fair."
Still not illegal in my state, but I just answered another question hanging over my head.

Thank you, tryintosmile and theuncertainty, for helping me sort out one of my dilemmas. It was abuse. I didn't cause that one, either.
More pieces fall into place.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.


I don't want to hijack your thread.

theuncertainty

kittykitty

:ghug3

I'm glad you came back, there's always room for you here!

If and when it is time to go, you'll know when it happens. But please don't think that you need to settle for "good enough for now". God helps those who help themselves, so when you're ready for it, it will come to you. I believe in this whole heartedly.

I'm really working on the three A's right now: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. You're aware of what's going on, and it seems like you know you can't change it, which means you've accepted it. I was reminded at a meeting tonight that just because we accept something doesn't mean we like it, we just acknowledge that we can't change it... it is what it is. Action may not be too far behind for you, but one step at a time.

You'll know!

OceanEyes21

You know in detaching I have noticed that AH will come to me time and again for my opinion on things I care nothing about and much of it really wasn't my business. I finally saw through it. He is trying to suck me in emotionally to care about his dilemmas and by proxy him. (and i think too, to be able to blame me if things go south) Thinking back he would always ask and use these situation to chastise me about something. It's kinda like the whole thing is a loaded question. There's going to be a land mine somewhere. I can think back on those types of conversations that would suddenly and without warning turn sour. I have stopped investing in them and I can almost look on as a disinterested observer.

I just got a flash of realization! I could never see the abuse for abuse because my husband loathes physical abuse against women. When he was younger he would go stop a physical abuser. Also his mother was abused physically by drunk boyfriends. His brand, with me, is never physical but with our son yes.

Don't think I'm patting myself on the back. It's all small steps and giant leaps. I think the detachment, for me, let me stand back and do the disinterested observer thing and that's when I could compare and see objectively what the game was. I could never see it from the inside, as a player. There are still a lot of games I participate in though...

Do try to get your hands on the book (waiting on my copy!) read the thread too. I got so many giant leaps from there and so much confidence. The confidence in that yes I'm not imagining, blowing out of proportion or being over sensitive. I'm finding that a little confidence goes a long way.

Hugs and strength to you.