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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
New to Posting
I've been lurking around this forum now for months and decided to finally introduce myself.
Ok, where do I start. I've been married to AH now for 39 years (endurance runs in my family) he's abusive (physically and emotionally) has not worked for more than half of our marriage, unemployed now for the last 2 1/2 years, drinks all day and watches TV. Then 3 years ago my recovery started when he tried to strangle me. He was strongly persuaded to get into detox and then rehab by the police and my two adult children. I got a lawyer but got cold feet when he got out and he said guess what? I'll never drink again! Well that was the first of 3 emergency room visits, 2 detox stints and 2 stays in rehab. Went back again to the same lawyer and backed out again. What do they say about 3 is the charm? I went recently to the same lawyer (I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts) and filed for divorce. He will be getting the papers soon who knows maybe today. I use to think he was the way he is because of the AL but finally realized it's not alcohol I don't like it's him. He knows I'm divorcing him (I tell at least 20x a day, my lawyer told me to do that so it would sink into his pickled brain) and since then all kinds of secrets over the years that he has done are coming out in the open.
I have mixed emotions right now, excited to be free of him and concerned about being lonely. But I keep remembering what someone told me if I get lonely go get a cat or a dog.
Ok, where do I start. I've been married to AH now for 39 years (endurance runs in my family) he's abusive (physically and emotionally) has not worked for more than half of our marriage, unemployed now for the last 2 1/2 years, drinks all day and watches TV. Then 3 years ago my recovery started when he tried to strangle me. He was strongly persuaded to get into detox and then rehab by the police and my two adult children. I got a lawyer but got cold feet when he got out and he said guess what? I'll never drink again! Well that was the first of 3 emergency room visits, 2 detox stints and 2 stays in rehab. Went back again to the same lawyer and backed out again. What do they say about 3 is the charm? I went recently to the same lawyer (I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts) and filed for divorce. He will be getting the papers soon who knows maybe today. I use to think he was the way he is because of the AL but finally realized it's not alcohol I don't like it's him. He knows I'm divorcing him (I tell at least 20x a day, my lawyer told me to do that so it would sink into his pickled brain) and since then all kinds of secrets over the years that he has done are coming out in the open.
I have mixed emotions right now, excited to be free of him and concerned about being lonely. But I keep remembering what someone told me if I get lonely go get a cat or a dog.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Fedup and welcome to the forum!
I'm a cat person myself.
Good for you taking control of your life
and yes I'd call that endurance. LOL
I'm always happy to see a lurker come out into the open!
So have you made other plans yet?
or are we waiting for the shoe to drop?
I was wondering if you've got support in the real world
to go along with SR?
You mentioned being lonely is why I asked...
I'm a cat person myself.
Good for you taking control of your life
and yes I'd call that endurance. LOL
I'm always happy to see a lurker come out into the open!
So have you made other plans yet?
or are we waiting for the shoe to drop?
I was wondering if you've got support in the real world
to go along with SR?
You mentioned being lonely is why I asked...
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Glad you've taken the plunge and posted! Have you read the stickied posts at the top of the forum? There's lots of good information there.
I know I feel less lonely now that I did living with XAH - there again, I do have 4 cats...
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I feel I upgraded.
I traded in my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) for a kitten.
I realized that I was more lonely WITH XABF around than I am without him.
Now I have a choice to call someone to talk to, or visit a neighbor, or read a book, or go to a movie, or learn to cook something new, or watch what I want to watch on TV, and all sorts of other things.
And this was before I adopted the kitten (something I would never be "allowed" to do if he were still here.)
You did mention that you've been lurking, which is great! Not sure what threads you've been reading, but if you haven't read this one, I'd suggest it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
So glad you are here and posting. Welcome to the family.
I traded in my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) for a kitten.
I realized that I was more lonely WITH XABF around than I am without him.
Now I have a choice to call someone to talk to, or visit a neighbor, or read a book, or go to a movie, or learn to cook something new, or watch what I want to watch on TV, and all sorts of other things.
And this was before I adopted the kitten (something I would never be "allowed" to do if he were still here.)
You did mention that you've been lurking, which is great! Not sure what threads you've been reading, but if you haven't read this one, I'd suggest it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
So glad you are here and posting. Welcome to the family.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yeah, at least a cat or dog can't strangle you, berate you, spend all your money on booze, or throw up on your couch. (OH wait, sorry, scratch that last one..)
Congrats to you for gathering up the courage to take care of YOU!!
Congrats to you for gathering up the courage to take care of YOU!!
Originally Posted by fedup3 
I've been lurking around this forum now for months and decided to finally introduce myself.
Ok, where do I start. I've been married to AH now for 39 years (endurance runs in my family) he's abusive (physically and emotionally) has not worked for more than half of our marriage, unemployed now for the last 2 1/2 years, drinks all day and watches TV. Then 3 years ago my recovery started when he tried to strangle me. He was strongly persuaded to get into detox and then rehab by the police and my two adult children. I got a lawyer but got cold feet when he got out and he said guess what? I'll never drink again! Well that was the first of 3 emergency room visits, 2 detox stints and 2 stays in rehab. Went back again to the same lawyer and backed out again. What do they say about 3 is the charm? I went recently to the same lawyer (I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts) and filed for divorce. He will be getting the papers soon who knows maybe today. I use to think he was the way he is because of the AL but finally realized it's not alcohol I don't like it's him. He knows I'm divorcing him (I tell at least 20x a day, my lawyer told me to do that so it would sink into his pickled brain) and since then all kinds of secrets over the years that he has done are coming out in the open.
I have mixed emotions right now, excited to be free of him and concerned about being lonely. But I keep remembering what someone told me if I get lonely go get a cat or a dog.
Ok, where do I start. I've been married to AH now for 39 years (endurance runs in my family) he's abusive (physically and emotionally) has not worked for more than half of our marriage, unemployed now for the last 2 1/2 years, drinks all day and watches TV. Then 3 years ago my recovery started when he tried to strangle me. He was strongly persuaded to get into detox and then rehab by the police and my two adult children. I got a lawyer but got cold feet when he got out and he said guess what? I'll never drink again! Well that was the first of 3 emergency room visits, 2 detox stints and 2 stays in rehab. Went back again to the same lawyer and backed out again. What do they say about 3 is the charm? I went recently to the same lawyer (I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts) and filed for divorce. He will be getting the papers soon who knows maybe today. I use to think he was the way he is because of the AL but finally realized it's not alcohol I don't like it's him. He knows I'm divorcing him (I tell at least 20x a day, my lawyer told me to do that so it would sink into his pickled brain) and since then all kinds of secrets over the years that he has done are coming out in the open.
I have mixed emotions right now, excited to be free of him and concerned about being lonely. But I keep remembering what someone told me if I get lonely go get a cat or a dog.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi fedup3 and welcome to SR,
I am pleased that you have introduced yourself.
I have stayed (on and off) for 22 yrs in an alcoholic marriage and am only now finally able and prepared to leave.
For me, it was accepting that if you take the alcohol away, you are left with a husband who lies, is sneaky, untrustworthy etc that made me see the sense in wanting better for myself and my future. A definite feeling of its not the alcohol, its him(his behaviours)
I have tried to detach and it has only worked for me to a point and a lot of the stress/anxiety I have been experiencing, left once I made the descision to move forward without him. I am happy about that.
Im not really concerned about being lonely, as I have spent the past few years feeling lonely in the marriage. Most evenings I am on my own watching tv whilst AH is sitting next to me snoring or in bed snoring. In the past year I have made new friends at Al-anon and in a singing group that organise lots of singing events and weekends away. I go camping on my own too and love the space to do what I want to do when I want to do it!
Can you take your recovery one step further and find yourself some hobby to do outside of the home? Volunteering is a good place to start.
I am pleased that you have introduced yourself.
I have stayed (on and off) for 22 yrs in an alcoholic marriage and am only now finally able and prepared to leave.
For me, it was accepting that if you take the alcohol away, you are left with a husband who lies, is sneaky, untrustworthy etc that made me see the sense in wanting better for myself and my future. A definite feeling of its not the alcohol, its him(his behaviours)
I have tried to detach and it has only worked for me to a point and a lot of the stress/anxiety I have been experiencing, left once I made the descision to move forward without him. I am happy about that.
Im not really concerned about being lonely, as I have spent the past few years feeling lonely in the marriage. Most evenings I am on my own watching tv whilst AH is sitting next to me snoring or in bed snoring. In the past year I have made new friends at Al-anon and in a singing group that organise lots of singing events and weekends away. I go camping on my own too and love the space to do what I want to do when I want to do it!
Can you take your recovery one step further and find yourself some hobby to do outside of the home? Volunteering is a good place to start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Thank you all for all your kind words. It seems like lately nothing but arrows (words) have been hitting my heart so so hearing something uplifting is soooo welcomed!
I just heard from AH he left me a message at work that someone just came to the door and served him the divorce papers, yeah!! Oh, and did I mention that a few days ago when he felt I wasn't backing down with the divorce he would begin to tell all the sordid things he did in the past behind my back even in the beginning of our marriage? All I can say is he is definitely a piece of work! One to be thrown away.
Right now there is so much on my plate to get done and organized with this divorce because he will be doing everything in his power to make it not happen at all. When it's all done I'm going to investigate this great big world outside of my isolated world that I've been forced to live in for oh so long. The SKY IS THE LIMIT! More than anything I want to show my grown kids that mom is not taking it anymore, taking action instead of just words and I'm finally in charge of my life so that they don't need to worry about me anymore.
If you can run, run now. Don't wait as long as I did to have them tell you one day all their dirty little secrets and believe me they do have their secrets.
I just heard from AH he left me a message at work that someone just came to the door and served him the divorce papers, yeah!! Oh, and did I mention that a few days ago when he felt I wasn't backing down with the divorce he would begin to tell all the sordid things he did in the past behind my back even in the beginning of our marriage? All I can say is he is definitely a piece of work! One to be thrown away.
Right now there is so much on my plate to get done and organized with this divorce because he will be doing everything in his power to make it not happen at all. When it's all done I'm going to investigate this great big world outside of my isolated world that I've been forced to live in for oh so long. The SKY IS THE LIMIT! More than anything I want to show my grown kids that mom is not taking it anymore, taking action instead of just words and I'm finally in charge of my life so that they don't need to worry about me anymore.
If you can run, run now. Don't wait as long as I did to have them tell you one day all their dirty little secrets and believe me they do have their secrets.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
My first husband and I made it to 25 yrs married. It
was I who got sober 7 yrs into that marriage and the
rest of the family was normal. I grew and changed in
recovery while leaving the rest of the family scratching
their head as to what happened.
In that marriage, I was the unhappy one for many many
yrs and was torn to stay put and accept it or how to get
out of it. What scared me the most was the how would I
finacially support myself since I was a stay at home mom
for the most part of the marriage finacially dependant on
my husband.
Thru much prayers, journaling, tears, AA, faith, my questions
were finally answered when I got a job interview back home
here in Baton Rouge. That was the magic ticket for me to
move back home where I always wanted to be and to finally
be happy.
Our divorse went very smoothly and we went our seperate ways
with me remarrying 2 yrs now and him newly recently remarried.
My HP could and would if He was sought and He did as some 20 yrs later I am still sober and living a happy, joyous and honest life in recovery.
was I who got sober 7 yrs into that marriage and the
rest of the family was normal. I grew and changed in
recovery while leaving the rest of the family scratching
their head as to what happened.
In that marriage, I was the unhappy one for many many
yrs and was torn to stay put and accept it or how to get
out of it. What scared me the most was the how would I
finacially support myself since I was a stay at home mom
for the most part of the marriage finacially dependant on
my husband.
Thru much prayers, journaling, tears, AA, faith, my questions
were finally answered when I got a job interview back home
here in Baton Rouge. That was the magic ticket for me to
move back home where I always wanted to be and to finally
be happy.
Our divorse went very smoothly and we went our seperate ways
with me remarrying 2 yrs now and him newly recently remarried.
My HP could and would if He was sought and He did as some 20 yrs later I am still sober and living a happy, joyous and honest life in recovery.
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