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And it goes on

Old 04-26-2011, 12:02 PM
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And it goes on

So last time I posted, I was pondering no contact. Right now, I just can't do it. I worry. I wonder. I answer. There is no doubt in my mind but that getting out was the best thing I could have done, and at the same time, the reality of it sucks.

I am at my parents. I am filling out resumes and applications. I have been told that a full time teaching job won't be any problem come fall. I have looked at an apartment, but the reality is this. If I get an apartment without a job first, I will be living from and depleting my savings. If I tough it out here at my parents, that savings could be a small downpayment money for things I will need later.

Xabf and I have talked daily. It wears me out sometimes. Especially when he whines and complains that he is LONELY. Well hello, remember when I was there. Remember choosing booze over me too many times to count? Now you have lost your job, you may lose your house, I left, our wedding date came and went. Now you want to complain of your loneliness?

He has asked to make things right with me. He says he wants to work on our relationship. I answer simply that it isn't possible to work on our relationship until he starts to work on himself and sobriety.

In the meantime, I have tried to put thing together here. I have reconnected with friends, got to spend time with my neices and nephews. I have tried to stay very busy. He resents this. He has accused me of already dating someone else. He Also logged into the phone bill and called the numbers on my phone. We still have phones on the same account, which is on my to do list to be fixed. One was a male friend that I have had lunch with. I had told him that day that I was having lunch with a friend. He asked yesterday if I had been out with m, I answered that yes I did, that he had been a friend for a long time, and that I am free to have lunch with whoever I please.

He resents that I am staying busy and trying to have a life here, I guess it is evidence that I am moving on.

He is not. He is sitting at the house feeling sorry for himself. When he went to rehab, his parents took his car, which is financed in his dads name. He only leaves the house to go buy beer or smokes. He tells me he is trying not to drink, but loses it every 3-4 days. He called saturdayand I simply told him that I had asked for him not to call me when he was drinking. I hung up and turned the phone off.

This weekend I am making the trip down to get my last things. His mother is going with me, and I can stay with a friend if I decide not to stay at the house. When he found out his mother was coming, he was upset, saying that he was looking forward to time with me.


I do miss him. I do love him. I am very concerned. I am also very angry at where his drinking has taken us. And now that I am gone, I see that I have to move on. For my sanity, for my daughter, for my dream of a normie life, even if I am alone.

If you are still reading my rant, thanks. I am reading all of the alanon I can find. The closest meetings are almost an hour from here.
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:06 PM
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Hang in there XXXXXXXX.

You are doing exactly what I didn't have the strength to do 7 years ago. I applaud you for it... you have all my respect.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus on you and your daughter.
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:16 PM
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XXXXXX, thanks for the awesome update. I'm glad you're starting to reinvent your life near your support system.

I would advise just toughing it out at your parents' place, mostly because that's what I'm doing and I can see the benefits to my child. She has a safe place to call home and three loving adults to care for her. I have been here since I left XAH in October 2009, so it's been over a year. In that time, I've managed to pay off all my debts to the Federal government, as well as credit card and utilities debt that XAH put in my name. I've put money aside for DD's education, for my retirement, and for the closing costs on a new home we're considering buying next year. Yes, I have very little privacy but I have a NORMAL life, free of chaos, clutter and drama.
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:18 PM
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I'm glad to read you're focused on moving forward
(no pun intended just couldn't come up with a better way 2say it)
(but then I read it and it's kinda funny)
so maybe pun *is* intended - you decide)

I'm also relieved that you're not going there alone.

I know it's hard...
but you're right where you're supposed to be
and surrounding yourself
with others who make you feel GOOD
who help you
who enforce your worth

is exactly what you most deserve ... if that helps at all.

Last edited by barb dwyer; 04-26-2011 at 12:20 PM. Reason: typo queen today
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:44 PM
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Good for you, XXXXXXX.
I remember your first posts and you've made some big moves and taken some action for you and your kids. Sometimes I go back and read my earlier posts just to compare them to where I am now.
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:00 PM
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{hugs}

Your story is similar to mine. 3.5 yrs off and on. Finally had to say, stop drinking or a I walk. I mean, he was willing to do everything else to save our relationship BESIDES stopping drinking.

Now I am the big bad evil crazy exgf who tried to control him. Whatever. I need peace, after too many violent, traumatic drunken incidents. I know I'm doing what's right for me. I'm the same as you - I love him, I miss him, but I do not love nor miss the disease. And right now they are inseparable.

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
So last time I posted, I was pondering no contact. Right now, I just can't do it. I worry. I wonder. I answer. There is no doubt in my mind but that getting out was the best thing I could have done, and at the same time, the reality of it sucks.

I am at my parents. I am filling out resumes and applications. I have been told that a full time teaching job won't be any problem come fall. I have looked at an apartment, but the reality is this. If I get an apartment without a job first, I will be living from and depleting my savings. If I tough it out here at my parents, that savings could be a small downpayment money for things I will need later.

Xabf and I have talked daily. It wears me out sometimes. Especially when he whines and complains that he is LONELY. Well hello, remember when I was there. Remember choosing booze over me too many times to count? Now you have lost your job, you may lose your house, I left, our wedding date came and went. Now you want to complain of your loneliness?

He has asked to make things right with me. He says he wants to work on our relationship. I answer simply that it isn't possible to work on our relationship until he starts to work on himself and sobriety.

In the meantime, I have tried to put thing together here. I have reconnected with friends, got to spend time with my neices and nephews. I have tried to stay very busy. He resents this. He has accused me of already dating someone else. He Also logged into the phone bill and called the numbers on my phone. We still have phones on the same account, which is on my to do list to be fixed. One was a male friend that I have had lunch with. I had told him that day that I was having lunch with a friend. He asked yesterday if I had been out with m, I answered that yes I did, that he had been a friend for a long time, and that I am free to have lunch with whoever I please.

He resents that I am staying busy and trying to have a life here, I guess it is evidence that I am moving on.

He is not. He is sitting at the house feeling sorry for himself. When he went to rehab, his parents took his car, which is financed in his dads name. He only leaves the house to go buy beer or smokes. He tells me he is trying not to drink, but loses it every 3-4 days. He called saturdayand I simply told him that I had asked for him not to call me when he was drinking. I hung up and turned the phone off.

This weekend I am making the trip down to get my last things. His mother is going with me, and I can stay with a friend if I decide not to stay at the house. When he found out his mother was coming, he was upset, saying that he was looking forward to time with me.


I do miss him. I do love him. I am very concerned. I am also very angry at where his drinking has taken us. And now that I am gone, I see that I have to move on. For my sanity, for my daughter, for my dream of a normie life, even if I am alone.

If you are still reading my rant, thanks. I am reading all of the alanon I can find. The closest meetings are almost an hour from here.
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Old 04-26-2011, 07:27 PM
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+1,000,000 for this. Yes, when you're in CONTACT mode, they can easily suck you in with their sweet words. They probably MEAN it at the time, but they're incapable of following through. Then we just end up let down and hurt and feeling stupid for trusting.

Originally Posted by Leise View Post
Hi X-

I know how you feel. Going no contact is so hard. I am literally doing it ONE DAY AT A TIME. You still have feelings for him, of course you do, only you know when you've had enough pain and are ready to move on.

You've done so much in the last few weeks.. I am amazed. For me.. my heart had to catch up to what my brain already knew was the truth.

Maybe you could try to talk to him every other day instead of every day? And then after a couple of weeks, once a week? For me, when I was talking to him every day and listening to his empty promises about not drinking I kept getting sucked back in. I loved him so much, I kept thinking that our situation was different than everyone else's on this board. We were "different" than the other alcoholics / codies on this board.

Sigh. Not different, exactly the same.

I have found that this quote about letting go (from a wise woman here at SR) has helped me immensely. I am so powerless over other people and what they do.. every day I have to relearn this.

People come and go through our lives all the time.They are never truly OURS, nor are we truly THEIRS. When it is time, there is no greater gift then allowing someone to continue on THEIR path without us, to no longer hold them close out of NEED, but to let them go out of LOVE.

Thinking of you,

Lyn
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Old 04-26-2011, 07:43 PM
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So good to hear from you, I was wondering how you are doing. I had to try a couple of times with the no contact thing, it was very difficult for me. But eventually I realized that having that contact just made it harder for me to do what I knew in my heart was right. If it is supposed to be that way with the two of you, then the answers will come. I do appreciate how hard it is.

Hang in there and keep us posted! Glad you are doing well with the family and stuff, i personally am taking advantage of some free housing from friends and family while on my journey of discovery. They are happy to have me, and understand that I need a little extra support right now. We are both very lucky!
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:42 AM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
I know it's hard...
but you're right where you're supposed to be
Thanks Barb... my sponsor tells me this and every time I hear it its just as reaffirming as it was the first time. That even though this is so hard, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Er, XXXXXXXXX is right where she's supposed to be!
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Old 04-27-2011, 02:54 AM
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Hi XXXXXXXXXX,

When I moved away from my AP I tried no contact too. It was harder than quiting smoking or dieting. Instead I tried contact with conditions. Those conditions werent for him but for me. Put simply, I only contacted him or replied to his contact when I felt strong enough to respond in a healthy way. I received many texts or messages that angered me & it was those times that I chose no contact. This method was my choice and may not work for you at all. But its an option.

I remember those "Im lonely" conversations too. I simply explained that his loneiness was a result of his drinking (and choice to not seek help). I repeated that whenever that comment was said and changed the subject. In hindsight it seems a little harsh but it worked & it was all I had to offer him.

You wrote " I am also very angry at where his drinking has taken us"
I truly understand that. My anger was probably the hardest hurdle to jump. But as soon as I realised that (despite his nasty actions) that my anger was my own, I felt it & chose to let it go. I felt I had enough to deal with without subjecting myself to anger as well. I kept thinking that if I died tomorrow, would I regret wasting my last precious day filled with anger left by the actions of another.

Hope that helps.

Last edited by pupnut5; 04-27-2011 at 02:56 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 04-27-2011, 04:48 AM
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You know, being an alcoholic -is- lonely. And while we're still in the same space as the alcoholic (feeling -totally- alone, as it happens) we allow them to pretend that that loneliness isn't part and parcel of the disease.

You felt lonely in the relationship. He's feeling lonely now. It's a lonely disease, on both sides - so much isolation.

But you won't get a clear view of what the relationship even was (or how lonely it was for you) until you're surrounded with healthy people who can relate in a give and take, healthy way.

And when he's really alone with that bottle - he stands a much better chance of getting his own clear picture of where his drinking has taken him.

It is hard but I promise it gets easier - and the most important thing is that being a child in that environment is the loneliest thing of all. You've given your daughter the gift of getting her out of there and it will get easier, and better.

What you did took guts and strength, it may just be the best thing for everyone - even though it might not feel like it. Barb's right - you're where you should be because that's where you are.

Hugs and prayers,

SL.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:08 AM
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Or, like my ex, he'll rush to someone else who can distract him and fill the void temporarily.

Originally Posted by stilllearning View Post

And when he's really alone with that bottle - he stands a much better chance of getting his own clear picture of where his drinking has taken him.
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Old 04-27-2011, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Leise View Post
People come and go through our lives all the time.They are never truly OURS, nor are we truly THEIRS. When it is time, there is no greater gift then allowing someone to continue on THEIR path without us, to no longer hold them close out of NEED, but to let them go out of LOVE.
Ohhh I love this - am copying to forward to my 17yr old as she navigates the pain of her first heartbreak. Thanks Leise.

XXX, no contact is the most difficult thing I attempted, and emphasis on attempted! WHat I found was bits and spurts of NC when I was feeling angry, sad, or otherwise in a blaming frame of mind was a very good action,and works for me. But I have never completely shut off contact and I am glad I haven't because we have had a few good talks lately. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
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